Alot of your posts are filled with anger. While it may be understandable given the circumstances, it's probably leaking into your conversations with your W.
"when I try to express to my W how I feel about a given situation she is absolutely immature about it."
What exactly did you say?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I told her exactly what I was feeling. When its my weekend with the kids she is extra nice to me. She txts me and she tries to see the kids on my weekend. When its her weekend I don't here from her and don't get a single txt. I told her I understand being away from the kids is extremely tough. I just feel that the separation isn't a true separation. We are around each other all the time. She tells me she doesn't want me at family events but then renigs on it 3 days later. She tells me she wants a divorce at 11 am in the morning by 6 pm the same night I'm getting txts to remind me a certain show is on the tv. It is an emotional roller coaster.
I would'nt call it exact anger. More frustration. Everyone on this board is like you need to do this and that but the bottom line is my wife has extreme anxiety and partly depressed. her moods are ALL over the place. It is very hard for me to divorce bust with the bi polar type behavior.
So yes I am working on myself. I am letting her go (which is very hard to do). I am hoping she will start to work on herself but at this current time she isn't doing anything to address her anxiety and stress.
Honestly do feel a whole lot better since counseling. I do get frustrated with her not wearing rings, telling me she hates me, never loved me etc. I guess my skin isn't as thick as it should be. Id rather her stab me with a knife then say those words because words are hard to forget. You know what I mean?
Anyways its a tough situation. Its tough to figure out if I am being doormatted. So yes I decided to try to set some boundaries with her and stick up for myself. All I know when I talk to her in a CALM tone and express how I feel I get your fn this and your fn that. It is just silly. So I let her go and tell her I'm not going to continue conversation like that
One of the most frustrating things I'm experiencing is when I try to express to my W how I feel about a given situation she is absolutely immature about it. When I told her I felt she was using me a little she called me a "f98r4398ing retard" you are an absolute idiot etc.
I mean she is 40 and saying these things. Seems so childish to me
instead of attributing a negative motive to her when she wants to see the kids (ever think she might just miss them??)
own how YOU FEEL about your time with them without making it about her at all...
Instead of making it about what SHE is doing TO YOU or letting her decode what you want her to do or not do-
you can say something like "On my weekends with the kids, I want to fully bond with them. I'm sure you understand (gives her something to live up to), so I will drop them off Sunday night &you'll see them then."
No anger, no drama. Regardless of her reaction, stay on message.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The behaviors you're describing are not a part of bipolar behavior. It shows a woman who is confused. ALL of our WAS's act like that.
Your job is to keep the good and eliminate the bad. For example, she might have said she didn't want you at family events, but she invites you later. Count that as a positive. She says she wants a D but she reminds you about a show that's on. That's just her being considerate of you. Again, count that as a plus.
It seems like you're the one that's being confrontational. You're looking at the negatives all the time or that she has a hidden agenda. It could be the meds and they're making you paranoid.
Just mark down the positives and see those as what they are...positive.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Its hard not to look at neg when W shows up at my birthday dinner with no rings on. Tells me she hates me etc but then uses me to get to the kids. Yes I get that she misses them. So don't I. I see them less then her and I didn't want this splintered life.
There is anxiety and depression I'm trying to deal with on top of hurt and anger.
I do think the meds made me paranoid. I'm glad to be off them. I also think the situation starts to make you paranoid over time.
Letting go of someone you deeply care for and love is the toughest thing to do. I put it right up there with death but harder
MrB. She say she didn't want me at family event. I respected that. She invites me 5 days later out of guilt from relatives. Then tells me she never wanted me there. I'd rather her just do what her heart feels. Don't uninvite me, invite me, uninvite after the event or treat me like crap at the event. I get the confusion but I'm also trying to be respectful to her feelings and it is impossible as is
I am no expert on any of this stuff and lord knows that I have my own probs, but focusing on the negative will get you nowhere with your W or anyone for that matter. IMHO at least. I think why our marriage is where it is was on me focusing on the negative. Not the only reason and not only my fault.
W took her rings off before my b-day, but she was there and we had a nice dinner and cake. I could have bitched about the rings but it is not going to make her change her mind about the situation. I was just glad she choose to spend time with us. I share some of your feelings sometimes NM, but I figure that nothing good will come from them if I act upon them.
Our spouses our doing what they want how they want, any act to control them or reign them in will push them farther away. Stay positive.
Thanks 25. Will try that. Its hard not to look at neg when W shows up at my birthday dinner with no rings on. Perfect example ^^^ of being negative, when you could just as easily see this as a positive. SHE CAME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER...that is huge. You focussed all your attention on her not wearing her ring. You missed an opportunity to THANK HER for coming.
My DB coach told me to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives the WASs do." That is NOT easy. I know. But it sure makes a difference in OUR viewpoint and eventually usually, in their reactions. Shift your paradigm
b/c it's a downer for YOU and it worsens the marriage overrall.
Tells me she hates me etc but then uses me to get to the kids. Yes I get that she misses them. So don't I. I see them less then her and I didn't want this splintered life.
Lose the scorecard, for two big reasons. First, she has her own way of keeping score and on HER scorecard, you are not ahead. You see things differently.
Second, keeping score of who wronged whom and how much and who did it first
always hurts a marriage....ALWAYS.
There is anxiety and depression I'm trying to deal with on top of hurt and anger. I can relate to that^^^^....You are seeing a counselor right? And what did your wife SAY were her reasons for wanting out? Did she list any flaws of yours that you think may have some validity? Are you working on THOSE??
I do think the meds made me paranoid. I'm glad to be off them. I also think the situation starts to make you paranoid over time.
Letting go of someone you deeply care for and love is the toughest thing to do. I put it right up there with death but harder
Death has finality and clarity. But a marriage in trouble, still has hope. And you can co-parent, eventually. So your kids have a mom. And maybe worst case scenario, you will be friendly or cordial and your kids will benefit from that example and no drama/traumas.
OR you will build on your co-parenting experiences and re-kindle your love.
Maybe in time, and with change,
her feelings for you will resurface. But she will NOT return to the marriage unless
she believes marriage to you can be better/different than before.
How are YOU showing her that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25. My S was born on my birthday. We met out that night for his birthday and she invited me down. That was the first night out with the rings off.
The anxiety and depression is on her end not mine. Yes I am seeing a counselor twice a week for anxiety and control issues. I am making progress.
I believe I am showing her changes. But again she has anxiety so BAD and depression on top of it I just dont know.
I'm still letting her use the kids to tug at my heart and get extra help from me.
Right now I'm working on myself but it is very frustrating that she is NOT working on herself at all. She needs to be in individual counseling working on her anger issues etc. Let me tell you something. She is FARRRRR from perfect. I know I can't control her and what she decides to do. But believe me I know I need work but it takes TWO to crumble the cookie. I wish we were both working on our individual problems separately but this isnt happening. Just me.
Anyways 2 hour counseling session tomorrow well over due.
Thanks 25. I do realize she won't go back to the old DEAD marriage. Here is the funny thing. Neither will I. She could ask me to move back tonight and I would turn it down.
I do appreciate all your input.
Its just I do feel sometimes everything thinks the WAS's are perfect. That its ALWAYS the LBS issues. I have issues. I'm addressing them. She has issues. She rather sit on Facebook all night long then own up to her short falls.
