Six weeks of separation and counting

[Shaky]

Can you explain how this is possible?

Me: 44 H: 45
Married 22, together 32

You were with your husband when you where 12 years old?

[Sad in WI]

Accuracy,

Really like your last post as I can find myself justifying contact with the W. I think I am going to print this out and carry it with me.

SIW

[mishka422]

Shaky - In answer to your question....

This is from her very first post:

Here is my story. I have been married to a man I have known and loved since age 12. We started dating seriously in college sophomore year, after which we graduated in May and were married in September and spent the next 8 years moving all over the world with the military and starting our family. Two boys ages 18 (in college) and 16 (at home).

[ptcr]

Hey y'all...I will be honest. I am feeling a bit panicky here sooooo far from home w/o him. A lot panicky.... Why??? My brother speaks fluent German....perhaps whole Eastern bloc thing. I am far out of my comfort zone. What is wrong with me? I have lived in Europe.

I am sure, Accuray, you are correct. I should NOT have done this. thanks for advice. These damn emotions.....

Hopefully sleep will help....

[Accuray]

Sleep definitely will help. Enjoy your time in Germany, it's great to have that opportunity. You are safe, no need to panic.

Accuray

[ptcr]

Accuray...you are 100% correct. No reply to my email. I feel like a fool....he texted me when they got to Montana on spring break skiing and i thanked him because I was worried. i guess i was thinking he did the same...or maybe I wanted a reply is more like it.

Please tell me how to get back to normal...I was fine before he started circling in my life again with contact on Friday, Sat, Mon and Tuesday to airport. Should I have NOT done those...if so which. I am desperate for advice. After I went to bed, I think i have been detaching FOR HIM!!!! To show him I AM OKAY and NOT for me. Does this make sense? Do other people do this too? What a fool I am. Do you think I have back pedalled?

Detaching and nothing between us has been working. I have seen him coming around. Is this cake eating or is he trying to see if he wants to be with us? Even if I didnt ask him to pizza before the game, we would have seen him there.

So....based on recent 'movement' in my situation, I think I am just desperate to know what he is thinking and planning and that he is going to give our family another shot.

Heaven help me....really.....

along with the word desperate, let me admit that I snooped on his email to see if he had actually received mine. OK Í know this only hurts me....and he is talking to the OM and meeting her tonight in Boston and has plans to see her again in NYC on 2 different lazovers and also said to her good job on renting the truck...she lives in CT now. She was talking about moving to GA. Now i think she is moving to NY.

Can i control him? Did this ONLY hurt me? Is it making me nuts? I feel like I lost the resolve at detachment I had...but then I decided maybe i onlz liked the 'idea' of detachment and that I actually was only staying busy and not really growing personally.

Somebody wake me when this is over....that is all I can think. This limbo stinks worse than i can imagine. I keep trying to remember that it is temporary and that we will go in one direction or another....I have hope. But then anger quickly follows this because I may go on alone and I am scared to death. i went from graduating from college straight to married life.

AHHHHHH!

Thank you for listening....all of you are my rocks.

[labug]

Just wanted to tack onto what Accuray wrote re pursuing. After almost a year I finally quit pursuing. :0

Yes, even tho we only every talked about kids, money, house I pursued him with it. Many times his input wasn't crucial, I just wanted to reach out ant touch, another hit of my drug.

Then in Nov I. finally. got. it. If he was interested in any of it , he knew where to find me.

We did have some contact after the first of the year about taxes and S19 medical issues but that's it.

I haven't seen any movement but it hasn't been that long and as 'ray says, it may take 8x longer that we like or he may not at all.

That's why to do this is so scary and such a leap of faith.

Hope you can enjoy your trip despite your issues with H.

Oh and DON'T SNOOP!

[Accuray]

ptcrussell,

You backed off and saw a response. When you re-engaged, H retreated again. That's "the dance" and will keep cycling until YOU break it by NOT re-engaging when every part of you is telling you that you should and it's the right thing to do.

The ironic thing is that when you pursue H, you're easily dismissed. He knows "where your head is", that you're not moving on, that he can come back, so you're out of mind, or on the shelf as it were. When you withdraw, distance, detach, then H doesn't know what's going on, and THAT'S WHEN HE THINKS ABOUT YOU. Then, he will wage a campaign to get you back on the shelf and get you back into your pursuit behavior. When he starts to re-engage, you need to keep him off-balance by not committing. Be nice, be cordial, be vague, be mysterious.

There is a sitch on this board from Hopeful321. Her H was involved with OW from work, moved out, and ceased communication. At one point he finally called her and she was out with friends and there was music and voices in the background and obviously a party going on. IMO, that was a tipping point moment in her sitch because H expected she would be home alone pining for him. When he heard she was out having fun and she wouldn't give him the details, he was knocked off balance and started to think.

You only get those reactions by going the opposite direction.

Accuray

[Accuray]

(BTW, I knew H wouldn't respond because I've been there -- sending W an e-mail and hitting "refresh" on the browser every 15 minutes to see if she's responded yet -- it's infuriating and does a job on you. Your best bet is not to initiate.)

[mishka422]

DON'T SNOOP! It will hurt you immensely.

One thing I think you need to take from you snooping is that he is fully entrenched in his affair and has zero intentions, at this time, to come home and work on your M.

Take that for what it's worth, loose his darned password, and move forward.

I hope you are spending your time in Germany having fun and drinking that awesome beer! I've never had better beer than I had there.

Listen to what Accuray said, he's completely right. Your email to him was pursuing. Just because you expected to know that they arrived at their destination safely, he doesn't have the same concern. Not contacting him to let him know would have actually been coming from a place of strength. Being self-sufficient. Unless he specifically asks you to let him know you and S18 arrived safely, don't bother. He figures he'll hear from authorities if something happens. Trust me......most men's way of thinking runs along those lines.

Have you been journaling on the questions I gave you? Those were straight out of my C's playbook. They helped me refocus what I wanted and what I felt I needed for myself.

Now you see that having 'family time' with him is hurting you more than it's helping. Maybe you need to allow him to have time with his son's without you being present. Example - Next hockey game have him pick up both sons or meet them for pizza beforehand. You can go to the game and not sit with him. You need the distance just as much as your sons need the contact.