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#2229666 - 03/11/12 10:31 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: kat727]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
That was a hurdle to cross. Last of D13's plays for this theater production. I did not go to the lobby though for intermission. I just stayed in my seat this time.

She did very well. She's still basically a bit player, but they gave her more responsibility this year. She's been involved with this theater troup for five years and this is her 13th play. She's skipping the third one this season though because she has a school play to work on and ... I don't think her mother can afford another one right now.

Several of the talented leads are aging out, you are done at 18, so there's going to be a lot of shuffling. The 15, 16-year-old kids are going to move up to leading roles and the 13, 14-year-olds will have more opportunity for supporting roles.

So next year things should really start moving for her.

My hope, no my plan, is to be strong enough by the fall to get back involved in the theater group. I backed off entirely after the breakup because XW is so heavily into it. I just didn't want to be around her.

But today I was just sad because my weakness is keeping me from sharing this stuff with D13. I had tears in my eyes during the whole play. I always sit front row so D13 knows I'm there. She's turning out very well. She's going to be a better person than me.

I did do a good thing today though. Two of the top performers were in their last play. They both go to college in the fall. They've been wonderful to both D13 and D9, even when D9 is at her craziest. They are also the kids of XW's best friend in the production. They are wonderful people, but I've stayed away from anyone who has helped XW during the divorce. I saw them as enablers. So I stopped at the store, bought them a graduation card, wrote them each $25 checks for college (enough to buy a used book) and thanked them for helping my daughters.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
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#2229677 - 03/11/12 11:36 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: ClingingToHope]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Oh, side thing. And it's funny. After seeing church_31 last night, she texted me today. She hadn't done that since July when she shot me down -- it ended on good terms. So we exchanged several texts and I called her and we talked for 30 minutes.

She had another relationship go south and this time it cost her. She rented out her house to move in with her boyfriend -- she didn't want to, but he put the full court press on and she's going back to school and struggling financially -- then she discovered he was playing around on her. So now she's living with her parents.

Sigh.

I really like this girl, but I know -- or doubt her interest in me will change. That's disappointing but OK. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not be in it.

She's the type of person though I would like to be with eventually. She has excellent parents and lots of faith. Hurdles come along, stuff that would knock me for a loop, and she just motors on trusting that there's a plan.

I really want to be more like her. And talking to her got me out of my own head for a while.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
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#2229746 - 03/12/12 12:28 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: ClingingToHope]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
The Livestrong website has a ton of good information on it. This particular bit of info. was posted on this board recently, and it's good stuff. I read it all...and so much of it is appliocable to folks in our situation. Here it is:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Bottom line: If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, then you are gonna be profoundly under that person's control.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2229810 - 03/12/12 04:22 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: antlers]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
It was just a very funny weekend. The bottom line this morning was this realization -- if Church-31 was in my life, I wouldn't care who XW was/is with.

My pride is hurt, that's all. I don't miss XW. Just talking to church-31 yesterday erased Saturday's hurt.

I doubt anything will come of it, but church-31 is the kind of person I will wait for.

I was thinking this morning about the difference of DHU-41 and Church-31. Going out with DHU-41 was fun, but once I had to start calculating how to integrate her into life with D9, D13 and, in a round about way, XW, my enthusiasm waned -- like air rushing from a balloon.

I wasn't sure if it was because I missed XW or DHU-41 wasn't the right person. I have my answer. I don't think I'd have any reservations about bringing Church-31 into their lives. If anything, I'd have to hold back from doing it too soon.

Again, I just have to be patient. I know what I want and I'm not going to settle. I also kind of have to get back out there again.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
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#2229859 - 03/12/12 06:32 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: ]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
After all of the crap over the past three years, for me at least...it's a matter of 'being' the right person instead of 'finding' the right person.
CTH, right now, at the present time...do you thing you're the 'right' person for someone else?
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2229959 - 03/12/12 11:03 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: antlers]
whatisis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/05
Posts: 8284
Loc: Canada
Um CTH, the lady just ended a R where she'd moved in with a guy cuz she felt pressured to do so...doesn't that kind of concern you a bit? She's saying " Hey, I make bad decisions". Now, if that was a few years ago and she'd learned from it that's one thing but it's NOW! Think long and hard about "waiting" for anyone. What you get isn't always what you were waiting for.
_________________________
Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Often our plans fail that God's plans for us may succeed."~ Ellen G White

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#2230067 - 03/13/12 04:45 AM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: whatisis]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
You guys, I think are over reading this.

Church 31 is the kind of person I'd like to be with. I'm not saying or even thinking I'm going to end up with her. She just considers me a friend and once a women sees you as a friend that's what you'll always be. All these movies about the friend winning the girl is Hollywood crap.

Yes. She has made some poor decisions about men. I met her last two boyfriends. I didn't like either one of them. In the movies, she'd magically realize someone better is right in front of her. This isn't the movies. I'll just enjoy talking to her again for a while.

I went through the list months ago of what I do admire about her. There's no reason to bring it back up. Her positive traits are what I'm going to wait for in someone.

When I was dating DHU-41, I wondered why I just didn't feel more for her. I wondered if I just wasn't over XW. I see that's not the case. It's just I haven't found someone I'm all that excited about.

Antlers, short answer. Yes I do think I'm the right person for someone else. But I'm picky. A friend of mine says I should be dating all the time. I'm not going to settle. It'll have to be perfect. What happened this weekend is that for a few hours there I was back to feeling that "XW is winning." It was a bad place to be and I've climbed out of it.

This site is my online diary more than anything, and I wanted to get the pain down because someday I'm going to be in a much better place and I'll want to read these posts to see how far I've come.

Gineen, I wasn't mentally planning Church-31 into meeting the girls. I was just pointing out that when I had to start thinking about integrating DHU-41 into my/their lives, I realized I really didn't want to and that was pretty telling.

I don't get the slow down advice. I never have. We separated in May 2009 and divorced in June 2011. I've dated -- meaning multiple dates -- two women and gone on single dates with two others. To me, that's very patient. I'm not out every night chasing whoever winks at me. I'm usually working, working out or with the girls.

Look, tomorrow is never promised to anyone. My best friend just had a stroke. He's 41 and in outstanding physical shape. It turns out he had a head injury when he was younger and it damaged an artery. Surrounding arteries were making up for it and he did an especially hard workout and had a full stroke.

He's extremely lucky. He's made a full recovery. No neurological deficits or anything. I just had a car accident in November and was very lucky to walk away from it.

So I don't get the slow down advice. I'll have plenty of time to rest when I'm dead.

Saturday night I felt "desperate" to be with someone. That was the shock and hurt feelings and open wounds and pride talking. I hadn't felt desperate in a long time. In fact, walking away from DHU-41 felt very good. She wasn't the right person and I wasn't going to waste my time on the wrong person.

I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things are going. If anything, I'd gotten too comfortable. This was a reminder that XW is not going to be knocking on my door again. She's dead to me. I don't care about her hopes or dreams or fears or failures or loves or successes. Just treat my daughters well and keep our lives as separate as humanly possible.

I was out last night and tonight with that developer friend. He's just interesting to talk to and he understands what I'm going through. Tomorrow night I'm going with a coworker to watch two local high school teams play for a trip down state.

Wednesday I have the girls and we're going to go bike riding now that spring is here.

Thursday I have a free night. I'll probably go for a run and talk to the leader of our church growth group. She's stepping down. I'd like to keep it going, but it's a 20s-30s group and I'm almost 43 so I feel a little strange. Another girl in the group wants to take it over, but she wants to move it to the weekends. I can't do many weekends. So we have to decide what's going to happen.

Friday morning is a bummer. I have an IEP meeting for D9 with XW. I'll be tense.

This weekend I have the girls and a friend from the growth group wants to do a bowling night. So I'll get out and do that. Of course I'll probably wonder what XW is doing. I'm still not past that. But that's less and less and I bounce back more quickly.

Financially, the first running race is in two weeks. If we get asked to do it that means we're in for eight races this year and I'm going to have a good year. I'll actually be able to put some money away so I can SLOW DOWN next year.

I'm not one to sit still. When I sit still, my brain wanders too much. Onward and upward.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
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#2230112 - 03/13/12 11:52 AM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: ClingingToHope]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 10032
Loc: Kansas
The people that are telling you to date, have they been divorced? Do they understand all the mixed emotions that one has to work through? Do they understand that if you aren't in a solid place, feeling comfortable alone in your own skin that you are not in a place to be with someone else?

Almost every post is about finding someone or ex. You need to get to where you don't feel the NEED to be with someone. You are fine meeting friends, going out alone. No thought of a lady beside you...just you. Once you get to that point then you can start to think about dating. You attract who you are...think about the lady you just stopped seeing. Can't you see, she wasn't ready to date? She is still seeking validation outside of herself.

I hope you will take some time and think about what I've said.

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D16, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2230124 - 03/13/12 01:03 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: kat727]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: kat727
Do they understand that if you aren't in a solid place, feeling comfortable alone in your own skin that you are not in a place to be with someone else?

^^^^^^^
That's exactly what I meant when I said what I did.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2230154 - 03/13/12 02:38 PM Re: Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time [Re: ]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Gineen, I don't think I'll ever not care. The only that will help with that will be time.

As far as dating, it's like riding a bike. If you fear getting hurt or don't feel "ready" you'll never get on the bike.

Again, I've been out on exactly -- I counted it up -- 11 dates in three years. And you guys want me to slow down? I might as well move to Alaska and hunt elk.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
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