Tad's Overdue Update

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I understand the FEAR very well.
My xh, son and I use to watch Nascar EVERY race that was on if possible. I WOULD NOT watch it after they left. I hadnt watched it in three years and I LOVE Nascar. It just brought back too many memories of US our FAMILY. BUT a couple Sundays ago I was changing the channels and came across a race. I stopped and briefly watched it for a few minutes and Cried of course and then changed the channels. I have done this a couple times and guess what?....It gets easier. You just have to take that FIRST initial step and cry it out if you have to.
I plan on watching more races and if I have to cry a little.

Snodderly my son told someone I LEFT his dad and I CHEATED. Totally opposite of what happened. Why do you think he is doing this? He knows better and we even talked about it once.

Hugs Tad,
Rene

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Tad!

I couldn't live without music. And do find MUCH of it makes me mad to listen to. I change stations a lot!

Have you considered playing your least listened to type of music? Like classical? Just wondering if you could ease back to something you clearly loved?!?

Hope all is well!

Wendy

[AJM]

Tad, have you ever stood back and looked at the craziness from another's perspective? I mean, really looked objectively?
Have you ever considered all the things you did right?

Have you ever considered the things you did, if you had been with somebody else, would have been seen differently by that person? They may have even been supportive of your career and you?

Have you considered that music is something you MUST get back to? Even if slowly, it'll represent part of the "process"?

You will need to face your fears to let go, Tad. Facing the fear of turning on the radio is representative in some ways. From my perspective.

When my ex left, she left a wake of terror and accusations. I trusted her in a way I never trusted anyone else. I let her in to the deepest parts of me.

When she left, I kept the house. I kept the house for the kids, but in the beginning it was horrible. I didn't want to come "home" because of the ghosts. I didn't want to hear the radio and iphone text sounds made me jump (she was carrying on the affair in part via text which had the sounds; I was like Pavlov's dogs.)

I faced those fears. I still have some troubles with the texting noises, but I work in that business. I can't live my life that way.

I like my house now. I didn't change a lot because I needed it to be the same for my kids and because I needed to face the ghosts it had. I listen to the radio again (babble on most of the time, but hey..) and I don't cringe when I hear a text message coming in any longer. It still annoys me though.

I won't let her craziness get the better of me. I won't let it change me in ways I won't accept. I won't jump at shadows and I won't be afraid to live my life.

When I got overwhelmed, I stopped and considered why. I know why. It's because I trusted her and she tried very hard to hurt me personally. She still does. The difference is that I see it differently now. I actually stopped and laughed walking into work one day when it dawned on me that she had such a hard time with it because I was darn near perfect even to her. I remember that she left and later came up with a reason. I remember that she accuses me of things that make me think her medication is not adjusted for her weight. I remember that even though my daughter doesn't talk to me and has some of her mother's crazy thoughts influencing her, that both my kids are afraid to talk to their mother about some things. They fear she will flip out on them and I remember that's what she accused me of being - scary to the kids.

I was afraid I would lose my kids. She tried. She really did. But eventually I came to see that my kids would be ok regardless of what happens. I came to see that they didn't lose me. They may even gain an additional parent

I remember the source. The source is not right. The source has an ulterior motive even if I don't know what it is.

I remember that I did everything to the best of my ability and I only change the things I want to change for me. I remember it is not about me.

I suggest you do similar and don't try to boil the ocean, but rather face one thing at a time.

Music might be a good thing to face.

Snodderly, I laughed at the craziness. If it hadn't happened to me I might not have believed somebody would do such a thing. I see it though. Some of it is crazy funny if not disturbing. I have similar stories and what makes it funnier is that she believes it still. I don't envy her. I may have for a while, but I am very glad to not have that burden and hope that never happens to me. I hope I am never so scared that I cannot face my decisions or the consequences of my actions.

Tad, it won't happen overnight. It'll take longer than you want. But one piece at a time you will face down your fears and regain you.

It'll help even though it's scary at first. It's liberating later and well worth it.

Do it Tad. Face them down one at a time and see if I'm wrong.

Don't let her issues ruin your life permanently Tad. Her issues are hers and hers alone. You cannot help her. You will have to leave her for the way she treated you and will continue to treat you. When she changes the way she treats you, realize you'll still need to leave her for it because it has an ulterior motive until and unless she PROVES otherwise.

Really Tad. You hold the keys. You didn't lose your mind although it was close.

Now get to it, brother.

AJ

[beatrice]

^^^^^^^^

What he said. Totally agree

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Snodderly, Sunshine, Wen, Beatrice and AJ. I'm glad that you haven't given up on me yet.

Snodderly, reading the things that your H said made me laugh. They are funny.....and sad. Sounds a lot like my X.

I'm still not sure about the music thing. It hurts. I just don't think I'm really ready yet.

Have you considered playing your least listened to type of music? Like classical? Just wondering if you could ease back to something you clearly loved?!?

That's the problem. I liked ALL of it. I listened to everything. Really.

Have you ever considered all the things you did right?

Yes, but it just makes me realize what I could have done better....

AJ, you make it sound so easy.

I guess I have to "face the music" so to speak. Much easier said than done.

Have you ever considered the things you did, if you had been with somebody else, would have been seen differently by that person? They may have even been supportive of your career and you?

Yes. I would think that someone else would have been more supportive. My counselor told me a year ago that he believed that X was a little jealous of my career. But....I would also like to point out that it couldn't have been very easy for X being the W of a celebrity. I think it may be tough for a lot of people.

Update:

Today = not good.

Actually, it was pretty damn bad. I don't know what happened. I've had bad days before but this was the worst one in months. A friend at work even commented on it. I don't know what got into me today.

It does help when I think that X is in a fog or is crazy, but who's to say that she is? I mean really?

You know what the sad part is? Even with all of the progress that I've made, there is a small part of me that wants to call her and tell her how I feel about her. I STILL love her dearly. Its like an angel sitting on my shoulder telling me to leave her alone and a demon on the other telling me to call.

I also find myself wondering what I could have done differently. She meant everything to me and I somehow managed to lose her.

I know....

Pathetic.

[AJM]

No Tad. You didn't lose her. She left. That's very different.

What I was getting at is that you should only have to apologize for the things you did wrong. Not the things you did right.

By wrong, I mean the things YOU think are wrong in the way you treated a partner. The thing about a partnership is that it's a two-way street. It's not just about you. Remember you were married for 26 years - you did a lot of things right in your relationship. You did somethings you may want to change, but those are things that are said and done. Change them going forward, not looking back.

Your choices are and were your choices and you should evaluate if you did them to the best of your ability with the information you had at the time. If so, then you can make adjustments in the future, but you cannot change them nor should you if you ask me.

She made her choices. She has to do the same things, like it or not.

I don't think it's weird you want to tell her how you feel. I think that's perfectly normal, really.

Tad, you were told this was forever. She broke that promise. She accused you of everything she could think of to help HER. That's not a partnership. That's not working together. That's self-centered (for whatever reason).

She didn't have to leave Tad. She CHOSE to.

She didn't have to blame you. She CHOSE to.

That's not a healthy relationship any longer. You do need to respect her choice but not her opinion nor reason.

You do NOT need to accept her behavior towards you, nor should you. That's not healthy and you can see how it is affecting you.

I find that normal Tad. You were together for a long time and you trusted her and her opinions.

Don't get too stuck on what you could have done differently. There likely isn't much you could have done differetly and still have been you.

I don't think it's reasonable to think you'll stop loving her any time soon. I think it's more reasonable that you'll detach and work on you and the kids. I think it's more reasonable that you'll still care about her for a long time. I think it's more reasonable that you'll accept that you care for her but that it's not good for you to want a relationship with her.

You can care from a distance. You need to care from a distance because she will try to hurt you if given the choice. Even if she feels bad about it later, she'll try most likely.

I think it's reasonable to think she is not happy about her choices Tad. So I also think it's reasonable she wants you to be the one that is at fault so she doesn't have to look at people and feel guilty. That's a powerful emotion that some people try to use anger to combat.

She likely knows she treated you poorly. I'm guessing that doesn't help with self-esteem. I'm guessing her pain is just as great as yours even is she won't show it. If not more.

But all of that is out of your control. What you can control is you, and one of the things you need to do is face your fears. You have done a great job facing them so far. Fear of her leaving for example. It takes more than time, it also takes effort. And time for that effort to bear fruit.

From time to time the feelings creep in and memories play on you. That's ok. Part of that, I think, is to remind you that you have more to do.

You may never understand "why" but you do know "what". Work with the "what" Tad. Work on you and start facing the music. Don't let it linger because it will just be there later no matter how many years go by.

Be good to you Tad. Give yourself a break and realize there will be times for quite some time to come. But realize it will be longer if you don't get started facing and dealing with those things that need dealing.

One at a time, Tad. One at a time.

Peace,

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ.

I know I wasn't perfect, but I was pretty damn good to her. I KNOW that.

Just a little update:

S17 came back from her place tonight and told me something his mother found out about my family that I didn't even know. Apparently, I have a cousin with stage 3 breast cancer. I THINK X found this out from my SIL (brother's wife). For the record, I DO NOT trust SIL because I think she was one of a few that actually ENCOURAGED W to leave me. Yes, these days I have a hard time trusting anyone.

Another thing: X bought S17 new shoes this weekend. That was nice, but she had to throw in the comment to S17: "I'll get you some shoes since your father refuses to do what he is supposed to do with the child support." I hate this!!!! Why so negative still? She can't see ANYTHING nice about me. And why is she "brain-washing" him? She has spent the last year accusing me of brain-washing our sons. She is the one doing all of the brain-washing.

S17 also is starting to have more attitude when he comes back.

Tad

[AJM]

His attitude may be in relation to your change in attitude, right? Relax. He's 17 and pretty much fighting for independence. Almost an adult in age.

As for her - what did you expect exactly? Step back and think of it this way - she wants/needs to think of you as the bad guy. Not that you did anything, but if you let her she'll push enough that you will be. Self-fulfilling prophesy so similar.

She can't see anything nice about you. If she did, she might have to admit she was crazy or wrong or worse, that you're a good guy which would mean she was crazy or wrong or ....

See the logic bomb? She wants/needs you to be the bad guy so much she is even willing to create stories/reasons/etc. to support that.

Does that seem odd to you at this point?

This is her trip. You're just getting in the way, man. She will try to drag you into it too. Actively. You can either go along or you can step off the train. Either way, you'll have to work at it.

Is what it is, Tad. Like it, love it, or hate it, it has to be done.

As for your son, I don't think she is really going to be able to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. He knows better regardless of what he hears from his mother.

Bottom line: let her complaints wash over. Let 'em go. She wants to complain about paying you child support?!? Let her. She wants to complain to your son about it?!!? You can't stop that. She accuses you of things she does (transference anyone?)?!?? The very thought!

You can love your son as best you can. Nothing more than that, Tad. She can try to take him, but let's face it he is pretty much an adult and can make up his own mind. He'll do what he needs to do and you need to let him and let him know you love him. You can't stop him. You can't control him. I don't think you would want to either...

Be good to yourself and step back a little further Tad. Be patient with yourself and be good to you. You aren't superhuman

AJ

[WenikiTiki]

LOGIC BOMB!

My new favorite potential name for a band!

And AJM, what a great post!

Yes, DETACH, DETACH, DETACH! It is hard to step back further. But when I make quilts that is the best way to look at them. From across the room. I'm putting that in my things to remember: "Step back a little further."

And I just had the funniest thought go through my head. You know when some fool puts fish in the trash can and makes it really stinky? And you only approach the trash can with proper breath holding and you run up dump your trash and run away?

Maybe that is how we should be treating our MLC creatures. Like smelly trash cans. Only the minimum contact that is required. Breath holding optional......

[dl443322]

AJ, man, I like your style.

Tad, sweetie, you keep trying to figure out something that just can't be understood.

As someone who had a son go through this in his teenage years, I wanted to tell you something.

My xh would do his thing - tell my son stuff, try to be disney dad, etc.

But I would never say a word about his dad to my son. Not one word. That was a promise I made to myself at the beginning of all this.

I just continued working on me, continued trying to be the best mom I could be, continued to let my son know that I was there for him.

There were some very tough days, Tad. Very tough. My son would be angry with me. He would act out.

I kept to my path.

He would tell me things about my xh to try to get a rise out of me.

I kept to my path.

And you know what, T? My son knew all along. He knew.

And one day he said to me, Mom, thank you for not getting in the way of my relationship with my dad.

And he also said, I know that you are the very best mother there is. I also know that dad is broken. I knew it all along. I just had to figure it out on my own.

It's a tough age, 17. They are going through so many things, trying to figure it all out.

But your son knows, Tad. He knows.

It's your job not to do anything to hinder his relationship with his mom and to be the best dad you can be.

The way to do that is to be true to yourself. Do the right thing. Be truthful and present and allow him to fall knowing you'll be there when he does.

I made myself two other promises at the beginning - to keep my dignity and to do what I could to get my son through all this.

That's all you can do, Tad. The rest, well, that it in His capable hands.