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#2233209 - 03/25/12 06:01 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
Seems like with the progression to each new phase of this ordeal I find myself saying "I didn't think that this was going to be that hard". Well, here I am in this odd space between divorce and reconciliation and I am saying it again - I didn't think that this was going to be this hard. Today the weight of "not knowing" what is going to happen almost made me want to just give up. At least that way I would know that I am controlling something and not just a passenger (I know this is NOT a healthy way of thinking).

I have my son this weekend and we have been just hanging out having a good time together. W called yesterday to talk to him and asked if we would be at church this morning. I said yes - and she said she would be there, too. We arrived and w, sil and I all sat together. We had a good time, good message and shared a few good laughs. Of course, we both fawned over our son.

After church we all went to breakfast. Again, a good time with laughs and conversation. It feels like family again - everyone just hanging out and our son enjoying the togetherness of it all. I hated to see it end.

As we walked to our cars (w parked next to me) I told w that s and I would be making dinner and she was more that welcome to stop by. She said she would "play it by ear" and had to meet one of her girlfriends for coffee later. Later she texted me and said she had work to do tonight that she needed done for the morning and would probably would't come by for dinner. I don't know if that was true or not, but I felt rejected and embarrassed that I asked.

Then I started wondering if only wants to meet at church so she can see our son - not to try to spend a bit of time together without it being "too much". Again, not a healthy thing to think - and I tried to keep my head out of that line of thought.

I don't know if I am falling apart, growing weary, fighting off a backslide or all three. But the weight of the pending divorce, my looming financial implosion and not knowing what my w really wants to do is crushing down on me. I miss my family so much it tears at my heart. It almost makes me cry when my s says "where'd mommy go?" or "mmoooommmyyy where are you?".

I know she misses him, but I also know that she could at any time say "let's try to pull back together and be a family". I honestly don't know what she wants to do at all - and I know better than to ask.

Our S turns 2 next week. Not how I envisioned it, but I will make the most of it. These last few days my heart has been breaking. For him, for me....for the future, for the unknown. My MIL will be here for it. She has been texting me recently - so that is not all bad. Seems friendly.

I guess I am just in need of encouragement to stay on path and not give up. It was a hard week and I really felt/feel like throwing my hands up. Maybe it't not that I am not making progress....but that I am not making as much as I would like to. If I just got the slightest indication from my w to hang in there and keep trying (pipe dream) I would feel better. And who knows, maybe if my pursuit of the big sign I have gotten the little sign that says just that and I overlooked it.

I am not the uber-religious guy at all, but I DO believe in God and find that that belief is comforting and stabilizing in many ways. I don't view it at magic or mysticism at all - just believing. That said, uncharacteristically I bought to bundles of dry sage to burn in the house. It is supposed to cleanse and spiritually heal you, your home, or other things. Looking back on all the negativeness that was present in this house when we were both living in separate rooms, and when I was hurting my wife for God only knows how long and didn't know it - I feel that it is necessary to to this. If it is nothing more than symbolic, so be it. But I want to get rid of the bad feelings and memories in this house for me and for my w.

S is waking from nap. Time to put on the dad-hat. Thanks for reading and responding. Sometimes it just helps to get things out of me.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2233219 - 03/25/12 07:09 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
gabbysmom23 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5086
Loc: NJ
Crimson, when you say give up, what does that mean? Would you be acting any different ? Because you are not playing a game just to get your wife back. You made changes for the better for you, right? So giving up would consist of what? I

I am telling you, you would feel a little relief discussing your feelings with your wife. Communicate with her. Stop letting the fear paralyze you. You can't reconcile like this I'll tell you that much.

And you have to stop taking every decision she makes not to be with you personally. The woman probably really did have things to do and a coffee date with her friend. Why are you making it about you again? I'm not saying this to be snarky, but your wife's life and feelings do not soley revolve around you. You have to remember that for your own good.

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#2233223 - 03/25/12 07:37 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: gabbysmom23]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9920
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Crimson, when you say give up, what does that mean? Would you be acting any different ? Because you are not playing a game just to get your wife back. You made changes for the better for you, right? So giving up would consist of what? I

I am telling you, you would feel a little relief discussing your feelings with your wife. Communicate with her. Stop letting the fear paralyze you. You can't reconcile like this I'll tell you that much.

And you have to stop taking every decision she makes not to be with you personally. The woman probably really did have things to do and a coffee date with her friend. Why are you making it about you again? I'm not saying this to be snarky, but your wife's life and feelings do not soley revolve around you. You have to remember that for your own good.


what she said^^^



fwiw, I would NOT invite her to anything for awhile. Let HER do all of that.

your course of action remains the same, other than dating OWs I guess. What would "giving up" look like, otherwise?

is it an internal thing? The desire to feel in control? That's intriguing b/c you once said you were "needlessly controlling" (or controlling past the point of it being rational) in the past. So it was an issue for you.

FWIW-my h is getting deployed this summer. PROBABLY going to Kuwait but maybe to Afghanistan. We don't know yet.

The departure date has changed twice, but it is PROBABLY going to be right around our wedding anniversary this summer.

We don't know how long he'll be gone!
At least several months, "Subject to change without notice."

Our youngest d is in high school so he'll probably miss a year of that. If Iran does something crazy over there, who knows how long he'll be gone? (I can't even entertain concepts about danger either. But the hospital he'll likely be in, is the one that got bombed before. So i don't go there).

All I know for sure is, His pay will be cut in half so our finances will be shot.

Crimson, I say all this b/c when we were both active duty, we learned to embrace the ambiguity of life, or at least to accept it.

I just cannot obsess about things I have no control over. Same for you.

The single great thing about really truly "getting" that^^ concept, is that it taught me to live in the present. It's freeing. You only have today's plate of work, you don't borrow from tomorrow's or next month's, etc.

Enjoying the "now" is life enhancing and it's contagious. And what a great thing to teach your beautiful son! (and to let your wife see)...

See if the book "The Power of Now" helps you at all. I found the audio version weirdly soothing and somehow more clear. But it would help you & I recommend you get it.

Be here now.

(((( ))))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2233237 - 03/25/12 09:27 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
GM & 25,

I guess by "giving up" I meant accepting the fact that the D is going to happen and my wife is never coming back. The changes I have made and continue to make are for good - those I can't give back or give up. Sometimes hope is a hard flame to keep lit. I've been feeling that lately. I know I have come a long way, but it feels as if I have somehow stalled out. Am I seeing this incorrectly?

I guess part of it is also the more time I spend with my w here and there the more I am aware of the loneliness without her. It's just something in my head I suppose, and something everyone in this position feels. It's just difficult to manage.

I don't think I am overtly seeking control - I think I am just having a hard time accepting the ambiguity of this situation like you said. One day at a time. That is the best way to get through this. But it seems like each day I am looking for some kind of answer that just isn't coming. I keep thinking about the prospect of losing my family and I fall into a deep sadness. For all I know the exact opposite could happen - I really don't know. And that, said the bard, is the rub.

I DO have a hard time getting to a point where I am accepting "now" and living in the moment. But believe it or not this ordeal has taught me to get a little better at it. It's an elusive 180 that I really need to tackle.

I am also teetering on the edge of feeling like a total failure if/when my finances fall apart. In my life I have not so much as bounced a check - the prospect of losing my house and ruining my credit is tough to take. As you recall from many threads ago, I struggle with the notion of failure a lot.

I know she had legit reasons not to hang out today and I shouldn't take it personally. Furthermore, you are right - I shouldn't really ask her to do anything else. I got us tickets for one of her favorite comedians next month - that'll be it until she asks to do something else. My problem is that I feel like if I don't at least plan or ask her to do things I will just let her slip away. Being around her makes me feel good. I am probably trying to sustain that feeling somehow. The irony is that it would seem as though I have forgotten that pulling away helped bring her back. Do I pull away again? What is too much?

GM, you're are right. I tend to forget that my w's life and feelings do not revolve around me. I need to get over that.

Thanks for reading, guys. I appreciate it.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2233238 - 03/25/12 09:28 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
BTW, 25 - I pray that your H stays safe when he is deployed.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2233249 - 03/25/12 09:53 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2439
Loc: Piney Land
Hi Crimson. I noticed that you mention your finances alot? Your credit? Is money and possessions that important to you? Are you more concerned about losing those or your family? Just curious.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2233251 - 03/25/12 10:07 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Rick1963]
gabbysmom23 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5086
Loc: NJ
The way you express your financial situation is not that you are worried about having less money and living, you are worried about not having enough money to live, but more looking like a failure and imperfect.

It's not a reflection of how you handle your finances.

I understand it is a hit to the ego when you work hard to have good finances. But you are taking too much personally again.

Try to stop looking at everything as a failure on your part.

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#2233253 - 03/25/12 10:14 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Ichrus Offline
Member

Registered: 12/09/11
Posts: 30
Loc: California
Crimson,

Have to say that I look at your sitch with hope and dread, and see a lot of similarities to my own. I expect my W will (and needs) to move out on her own for a bit. I hope I have a chance in many ways to connect as you have started to again toward building a new R, I also somewhat dread the difficulty of the path you (and perhaps I) will be on.

I don't think I have any wise, experienced advice for you (as I feel I am at an earlier point in the process that you have already passed). Stay true to yourself, look to GAL and do what makes you happy. Be the best father you can be for your child, try to take in all the info and decide to make a choice for yourself...maybe it will be to continue to softly engage your W and try to build on that, maybe it will be to pull back and see what that means and what happens...but make your own choices in life for you and do it in a way that YOU are fine with whatever happens because YOU made the choice.

I know it is not particularly helpful, but I always like the quote "different is not always better...but better is always different". What can you do for yourself (and your child) that is different, and maybe better?
_________________________
Me:34, W:33
M:11 T:18
D1:6yo
D2&3:4yo (twins)
Bomb/ILYBNILWY/EA w/ co-worker: Oct 2011
Still in house together, she has move out date set for May 27, we tell the kids May 24...I hate "May"

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#2233263 - 03/25/12 10:56 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Ichrus]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1129
Hey Rick - Good question. I have said before that I would rather lose everything I own with my wife and son with me than prosper without them. One of the lessons I have learned in all of this is that money and "stuff" are not the most important things/pursuits in life. My fear centers around failure mostly, the inability to provide well for myself and my son. The inability to plan for the future financially - college, retirement, and so on. That does not supersede my family, it just lingers as an ongoing anxiety for me in the background.

I sat in church with w and sil today and thought that at times God can be humbling. I am starting to feel that in many ways, from how I communicate to what I value, I am being humbled. Brought back down to Earth. Centered. Broken and given an opportunity to rebuild. If nothing else, this has been humbling and has caused me to take a secondary look at priorities.

Family. It's about family. It's not about having all the answers to the future of how to PROVIDE for that family...just having a family and developing an environment where love and support are the pillars of your home/life. That was a humbling discovery for me. That is why I regret being so afraid to have a second child when that is all I want right now.

Yes, we get broken down in this experience. But I am doing my best to make sure that it is for a PURPOSE and not for me to wallow (which I do at times). Not sure if the breaking down portion of this is over for me yet - maybe that is what the whole financial piece is about. Regardless, I can feel part of the rebuild happening.

Hope you all are DB'ing as best you can tonight.

Take care.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2233282 - 03/26/12 12:01 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
C, hang tough. No one said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.

Just curious, are you really that opposed to having a heart-to-heart with your W about these things you express here? Did you cover any of that in MC? I'm just afraid that she's doing just as much second-guessing as you are, but neither of you are really getting deep with the other. I know there have been opposing mis-queues in the past, it just seems like it would be good to head off any current ones sooner than later. If you broach the topic and she tells you she absolutely is going to get on with life without you, at least then you'll know. Anything better will just be icing on the cake, and still you'll at least get to know.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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