Well, 2TP, I went with the show up and surprise tactic for church. S and I appeared there at 9 and met w. She was very happy to see the both of us I think - especially s. It was good to see her, and good to be there in general. I've wanted to go recently, but was afraid that I would be encroaching on her space. Her sister was there, too - it was a family day. We put s in the day care for the length of the service.
Wanna hear something rather cool, if not divinely sent? So for the past two or three weeks the song "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys has been in heavy rotation in my car/iPod. No particular reason - I just like the melody and guitar part in it (if you look it up on YouTube you've probably heard it). I've been singing it....singing it to s when we are in the car together. So at church today, the band there out of the blue starts playing the opening guitar refrain from the song....I'm like "what the hell??".....then I look at the program and the ENTIRE sermon/message today was built around the meaning(s) of that song. Unreal. If you look up the lyrics, not only is it a potential anthem for a woeful but hopeful LBS, but the lyrics are really impactful for anyone going through something rough. NO WONDER I WAS DRAWN TO IT!! I had no idea. I won't go into the specifics of the message today, but read the lyrics when you have a chance. Unreal that that was the message the day I finally show back up.
So w, s, sil and I went to a light breakfast after church. I was standing in line and saw a former coworker and suddenly had no idea how to introduce my w. So I just said "this is my son....". Later in the line, w said "you didn't introduce me!" she wasn't angry.....just kinda laughing. So I did. I said "this is my wife". No better way to put it really - what was there to say? We wrapped up breakfast and w and sister had to go to Target. I took S home and put him down for his nap. And, not to be one to let a toddler nap alone, I took one too.
Later in the day I ran to REI to pick up a few things. Decided to go to the store to get some things to grill for dinner. I texted my wife "Men grilling tonight....salmon for the lady?". She replied "what time and what should I bring?". S and I swept through the grocery store and put together some things to make carne asada, pollo asado and fish tacos.
So s and I are manning the grill in the backyard and the doorbell rings. I thought it was w, but it was out neighbor down the street and her two little kids that are friends with S. She has remained friends with W and I have not heard from her much since things went south. I just figured she thought I was a massive creeper. She came in, had a beer with me while I cooked and our kids played together.
W showed up and was surprised to see neighbor there. They had a really nice chat while I poured sangria and kept on grillin'. Neighbor left after about 45 minutes or so.
One of the things that I never really grasped onto in my marriage was the fact that my W loved when I would cook for her and as our relationship aged, I kinda quit doing it. So today was a treat for me to be able to do it again. W, s and I all sat at the table - put on some blues and enjoyed a great dinner.
Now, old Crimson would have finished dinner and started in on the clean-up right away (OCD). Nope. Refreshed my wife's drink, cracked open another beer and went outside to watch S play in the yard.
We sat on a bench by the pool and had a nice chat. She basically said it's amazing how much S and I have bonded...she can tell. I told her that I loved being a father, being a dad. I told her that if our sitch had never happened I would not have ever gotten to know it as much as I do now. She said that as she was teetering on the line on whether rot stay or go one of the last straws was that she wanted S to know that there was "better" out there. That there were more engaged fathers, that parents kiss and hold hands....she didn't want him to grow up in a home where that was not the norm. After all this time, I got it. I finally got it. And I understand why she made the choice that she made. It was a really, nice long chat.
We came inside and wife gave s a bath while I cleaned up the kitchen and packed son's lunch for tomorrow. S came bounding down the stairs in fresh PJs clean and spring itself. We took him back upstairs - w sat in her old chair in his room and read to him. I sat on the floor and just basked in one of the happiest moments I have had in recent memory. S fell asleep and we both put few blankets on him and left the room.
W said she had better get going. We talked about our schedules tomorrow and she sat on the couch to put her shoes back on. Then she said something odd...."it's surreal, isn't it....me being back in the house?". I said well....I don't DIS-like it. She said she knows, but it just felt odd after being gone so long. Not in a bad way, but I think she thought she would never return when she left. I gave her the leftovers since she will have S most of next week (hey, kid is getting an appetite!) walked her out to her car and said good-bye. She thanked me for dinner - and said I'll see you tomorrow (we have fertility doc appointment). I came back inside and reflected. Here is what I concluded.
THAT....what just happened....dinner....TV off....cell phone away....cooking for w and s....playing with him in the backyard.....putting him to sleep together. THAT is what is what it was supposed to be. THAT is what my w wanted from me, from her marriage, for her her life - and I missed it, 100%. And today, to have it back if even for a second.....to have her here with me and my son, living (albeit for a few hours) like a family - was one of the happiest moments I have had in the last 6 months. Hell, 3 years if I am being honest. In my moment of reflection I was made keenly aware of how right my w had been about so many things that I was blind to - and felt today. It's not about cleaning the kitchen, or checking Facebook or my cell phone. It's not about catching up with the news or having the TV on. It's about the small moments that never come back. It's about the dinners, the conversations, watching our son together, sharing our day. THAT is what my W meant when she told me "YOU'RE GOOD AT THE BIG THINGS, BUT YOU ARE TERRIBLE WITH THE SMALL THINGS AND THE SMALL THINGS MATTER!!!!!" on the day she dropped the bomb. And all I could do at that time is defend myself....tell her why she was wrong. Looking at all that I have been through it is now abundantly clear that I was the one that is wrong. A lot.
I hope this day repeats itself again soon....many times. I still have a ways to go, but today and this weekend was a nice step in the right direction. Hell, W even set foot in our bedroom and made a "bachelor living" joke.
If anyone is reading this note from me for the first time, please don't think that I have arrived here quickly....hell, I don't even really know where "here" is. It's been a long, painful road of reflection and loss....and there are still no guarantees that it will end the way I want it to. But I can tell you that if there is still something left that even CLOSELY resembles love for you in your w's heart, DBing can work. Even though we still have the petition pending, I am miles away from the low point that I hit so many months. I literally just had my wife over and cooked dinner for her. Read my first post and then go wrap your brain around that for awhile.
Nice job Crimson! Things are definitely looking up for you. I'm very happy at how things are progressing with you and your W. Good luck with the fertility appt. tomorrow!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Crimson, I am in tears for you and your blissful Sunday. It sounds like a little piece of heaven...nothing better than church, lunch out, my personal favorite Sunday afternoon nap, great grilling and family time. Thinking of you and sending up praises.
Me: 44 H: 45 Married 22 S 18, S 16 Bomb 8/11, Second Bomb 1/12
The BEST part( from what I read), was that you lived in the moment, and left the world of "what if's".
This is so true. In your recent sitch, Crimson, we've seen you struggle with the impending D date, negative thoughts about your W's intentions/motives, expectations about what may or may not happen. Don't live in the past (depression) or the future/what if's (anxiety), because they will lead you astray.
Live in and accept your current reality always, as you did over the weekend. And you did so confidently, surprising her at the church and leading her to a good day of togetherness on Sunday. Good job!
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Very inspiring. Thanks for posting that. You did really well with just enjoying your family time w/o letting your insecurities and questions ruin the day. You modeled good husband material to your w in the most natural, non-contrived way. Bravo!
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Thanks, all. I re-read my post from last night and it almost felt like a weird dream....her being at the house. I am really grateful for this past weekend. Not just because of positive w interactions, but S and I had a great bonding time as well. I think we watched the movie Rio about a half-dozen times. We have also perfected the art of me saying "dad! dad! dad!" and him replying "poop! poop! poop!". Perhaps that shouldn't make me laugh - but I am a child and it cracks me the h@ll up.
So the fertility doctor appointment is today -that should be interesting. If you would have asked my w 7 months ago if we would be at this appointment today she would have flatly said "no"...and then probably would have cried. Frankly, I can't believe I am going either - but I DO want another child - just not as a divorced man. I think she knows that. I'll be honest - I am really excited to go. I am trying to NOT be, but I am. That Dr.'s office is filled with so many bitter-sweet memories for us.
It is just nice to have these to read as a bit of fresh air or light in the darkness. I know my Sitch is on a downward path right now and I fully expect W will be moving out this summer (and in some ways I think she needs that too), but reading your story helps give me hope that we might be able to work back upward and maybe find days or moments like you did again.
So thank you for sharing
Me:34, W:33 M:11 T:18 D1:6yo D2&3:4yo (twins) Bomb/ILYBNILWY/EA w/ co-worker: Oct 2011 Still in house together, she has move out date set for May 27, we tell the kids May 24...I hate "May"
