am i on the right track??? part 2

[zig]

ok KD , now you've got my head really working -some questions if you have the time, please?

if your answer to my question about completely ending this r and moving on was a yes, then this doesn't apply.

in the 37 rules, it says to validate their feelings - if one is trying to get out of the double-bind role , how does one do that without staying in that role?

guess i need a bit of tutoring here (grin)

for eg. if he says that he's really fearful about coming back because we will fall into our old patterns, he feels really vulnerable with me, (which is what he's said) - how do i validate that without owning my part in my actions

by owning my part in the situation, i have to describe what the effects of my behaviors were on him - is that me assuming the role in the double -bind , or me validating his fears and concerns?

thanks
zig

[zig]

journaling

strange day yesterday, for me and the events that developed

h and s were supposed to come over to do yard work with me - woke up to a very cloudy day and even though it was supposed to rain it never really did. i worked quietly not expecting us to actually do yard work.

h didn't call until about 4.30 - and here's the strange thing: in the past uptil very recently , i would have got pretty cooked up about it , a little outraged and eventually pissed off, but i just shrugged it off. mil was getting that way and commented several times that he should have called and i just replied calmly - no expectations

so when he finally calls - it's to say oh i guess we're not doing yard work today, but btw would you like to go with s and me to his friends 40th b'day at a bowling alley? it was definitely a test - because i've never been and was even slightly disdainful of it before and the last minute notice , because that used to really stress me out before. i happily went even packing a dinner for s and had a great time

it turned into an unexpected opportunity to sort of "shine" in front of h - we only really know his friend and wife and a couple of other people. it was my very first time bowling and people were real excited and one of the other guys (who was the really really good) gave me a lesson - non-threatening coz his wife was sitting there about to deliver a baby anytime, but i noticed that after that h wanted to give me a lesson too!! there was so much attention from everyone that i was almost embarrassed (i'm very modest - something that h has always admired tremendously)

turned out i wasn't all that bad and even got a couple of strikes - and i think it was really odd for h to have to see me in this very positive light - it was a total GAL and 180 situation -i was really social and friendly and easy going (all things that were really hard to be after the accident)

s didn't do so well - he was quite tense, and didn't really relax at all - its been ages since the 3 of us did something together and he probably doesn't know what to make of it. all in all i think it went well, because there wasn't one moment when any tension rose up and no off comments - including 2 hrs in the car

i'm finding myself thinking - hey i could do better than this - i could be treated better than this - he's not looking all that attractive right now to me - personality wise. ...

well - easter with his family today. he won't commit to going or not going - mil is very pissed about that. so have no idea if he'll be there. that will be a first for him

happy easter to everyone

zig

[NLW]

Hey Zig

Great to hear about your day.

I so get the not-turning-up-as-planned side of it - my H does the same all the time on the weekends.

I sometimes think it's controlling behaviour on his part. He likes to keep us waiting for him at home by saying that he'll come over. I don't think he realises he's doing it.

The invite to go bowling was massive! And the way you handled it shows how much you've grown! Doesn't it feel great?

So sorry for your s - but he did get to see his mom modelling great bowling and social interaction techniques.

Hope your Easter with H's family goes well.

In my case, for the first time in 16 years, I was not invited for dinner on Sunday.
MIL and FIL just rang instead and said they were nearby and could they come and drop off some eggs for the grandkids.

Just realising I will probably never see BIL, SIL, nephews, and rest of H's huge extended family again....

But anyway, big hugs to you for doing so well.

NLW

[jks]

Good for you with your 180's and making changes. I'm so happy that you had a good time and you're feeling your worth. Way to go!

[zig]

hi NLW - thanks for the encouraging post. so sweet of you:)

i' so sorry to hear that you weren't invited - did you do something on your own? i hope so

i want to tell you about my own experience with the not having contact with h's side. granted, fro me it's about our close friends, and for you it's your h's family, so i will admit there is a difference there, if you choose to see it that way

for 7 mos. not one of our friends has so much as called to see if i'm alive. i was really hurt about it.and then about a week ago, i woke up one morning and said to myself - i am reacting to this as if these were only h's friends , not mine - i have my own relationship with them and i love seeing them, and i'm not going to give h the power over this by letting the contact go. i realized that they didn't know what to do and that i would have to make the first move.

so i just dropped by their house - which i used to do all the time, and even though it was hard, i could see the utter relief on his face and his wife's when she came in a little later. i invited them to a party at my place next week and they were delighted. i cried all the way home - i have no idea why, but i felt so good about it

the point is - after 16 yrs, you have established relationships with each of these family members, and you have the right to continue them. of course, if they are taking sides, then it's different. but after 16 yrs i can't imagine they don't feel the loss of your presence - they probably feel it as much as you feel it.

so give it a shot - try to connect with the ones you were closest to first, because it will be easier.

when we first separated - h was a bit surprised that i still kept going over to hang out with his grandparents and parents - and i told him straight that i had my own relationship with them and loved them very much and i was damned if just because he left i couldn't continue that

so think about it - the WAS doesn't get to decide how every last thing is - you get to play a part in how you want it to be to.

i have noticed h watching very solemnly as all of his family envelopes me and s in total love for 7 months. i know he notices it. but if i hadn't done it, i know all of them would have been too scared to come to me

hugs
zig

[zig]

thanks jks. db'ing has been the BEST thing ever for me - i have been so lucky that i found this place and michelle's books. and now when i am really "living" it, i can see how effective it really is.

not in terms of h, but in terms of getting myself to a really good place emotionally and mentally

life is suddenly shiny, after so long...

[jks]

I am struggling with this as well. I love my H's family so much. I was so close with them. They were MY family too just as much as his. I know they want to continue a R with me but it all hits too close to home. That was the life I used to have and probably will no longer be able to continue. Plus, now that OW is in the picture, they may find it awkward. But I want so badly to be able to have my relationships with them. I'm so torn!

[zig]

I know they want to continue a R with me

well jus, what are you waiting for besides it would be lovely for the kids also don't you think?

just go for it, you will find surprising comfort and support and it will make you feel good to be around people that you are close to. don't think of it as a life you left behind that is too painful to see again, think of it as the life you're moving forward into, and choosing who you want, to be a part of it.

it will help you be independent from h, mentally - you had your own relationship with them, not just a relationship because of his presence - it might have started that way, but if you were close to them, then it's what you made of it yourself.

besides if you were close to them, they are probably missing you too.

..at the most you'll get told no - and heck, i figure the LBS's skin has gotten pretty thick by now, so at least you tried, right?

give it a thought

[zig]

journaling

today went smoothly - unexpected things - h being himself w/ s and me in the car - very relaxed, laid back - haven't seen that for 7 months
we stayed away from each other the whole afternoon at the easter party - lots of relatives, but not on purpose, the hour ride back was easy and once again the 3 of us were relaxed.

s was doing homework in the backseat and h initiated a lot of conversation - all to do with practical things - but his demeanor was entirely different - for the first time in this sitch he acknowledged that i had a lot going on with my work, and went through each day of next week confirming the details and letting me know in advance what was going on and asking really nicely for help with s as he's got some extra things at work

i did a couple of new 180's - saying i couldn't take care of s after school a couple of those days

we went in my car - and i had to drop them off at h's house - first time - and right before we got there, i said something and they both sort of pounced down my throat and started arguing with me about how wrong i was. in the past i would have jumped right in to prove my point, but this time i just didn't respond - sat there quietly while they went on and on - didn't say a word. that was one helluva a 180 for me and then they both fell silent.

s had a bad moment when it was time to hug and kiss goodnight, but i managed to diffuse even that and left with him smiling

also in the morning h and s came over and worked in the yard - i told h i wasn't going to join them as it wasn't planned and i continued with what i was doing inside the house. they both worked extremely hard and the back yard looks transformed

i'm feeling a bit weird - he's suddenly started doing all the things he used to do, and most of all participating in what needs to be done without being all painful and tense and agonized. it's just the way he's saying things - and saying "we" all the time

i'm acting relaxed around him, but inside i'm feeling suspicious, like i can't believe yet that it's real

i keep telling myself and really believe it - until i hear the words "i'm done with OW" and "I really want to work on this, do you?" there's nothing here for me, except taking care of s together.

what happened to me? i'm so calm and not pursuing AT ALL (in my mind that is) - stopped pursuing him directly a long time ago

[zig]

so, i was hoping that someone would respond to what i had written earlier, i couple of days ago, so i'll mention it again (the whole thing is in a post a couple of days back)

h said that he "wants to resolve the issues between us"

i'm not reading a huge amount into it because he didn't give any indication of "to what purpose" he intended to do that - maybe he doesn't even know yet. or maybe he's exploring.

i keep thinking - he doesn't even know yet what it means to resolve issues - how much work and digging within himself he needs to go through

i guess i just want to ask, in case it comes up, so i can think in advance of how i want to respond and be prepared.

if he does indicate in anyway that he wants to try and work it out , my urge right now is to respond right away by saying that i don't want to even try until i know for sure that OW is completely out of the picture

on the other hand, if he is feeling his way back and needs to be more sure before he decides that , is it better not to bring that up at all and let him quietly come to it himself?

i'd love some feedback on this

also, Kaffe diem, if you happen to be reading this - i am already working hard on not owning his issues:)

thanks everyone
zig