Back again...again!

[Psych77]

Well, last night I went out to a barbershop singing group with my oldest son...pretty nerdy, right? Son is the youngest member of the group by far, and if I'm not second I'm not far off. But we both enjoy singing, and it is nice to be so welcomed somewhere. It is the one thing I am doing to GAL. Aside from that, my life is almost entirely at home. But I don't mind so much, as I look forward to reading to my younger 3 kids every night. After that I just try to keep busy so I can keep up my part of the agreement, to avoid conversations for the time being, until it's time for bed. Then it's back down to the dungeon. Well, an air mattress is better than the cold floor, anyway.

Don't really have too much to say today. Funny, W probably doesn't know that she is kind of pressing me into DBing - since she won't talk to me, she leaves me little choice but to focus on myself.

Don't know if this divorce will get busted, but I am really hoping that at least if we are split up we can be split up in the same house. We are a 1 income family, and it would be tough to make ends meet if I had to support 2 households. Am I being really callous in looking at things from such a practical perspective? Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me...I could hardly keep myself from being in tears when things looked a lot more hopeful than this, but now my thoughts don't even run toward grieving for our marriage - just thinking about how to get by and not feel too lonely/pressured/anxious/upset.

Tonight W and I go to MC. She is not talking about reconciliation during sessions, just airing her feelings of hurt. She did say at last session that she would be willing to settle for having a "roommate agreement," that would specify responsibilities for each of us, so maybe we will negotiate that tonight. She did say that she felt that sessions were worthwhile, although she didn't say what she was getting out of them. They are the only time we communicate at all, so I am not about to complain about them.

Just living day to day...I guess that is the only way to do it.

Take care, all. Will talk to you later.

[Psych77]

Soooo...

Now I have been to MC again with W, and she is still completely distraught over the issues that I mentioned before.

Based on the fact that I have had meltdowns, she states that she doesn't feel safe at home, and that I am trying to control her. Based on my having hurt her in bed, she says that I am abusive.

She wants me to go to an abuser's intervention program, and I have agreed.

I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think of myself as having tried to put her down or control her. But I guess that is true of any abusive husband. Everybody thinks he/she is in the right, and nobody really supposes they are being unreasonable, right? Besides, it is a way that she is showing some hope for our M...if she didn't hope for our M to recover, she wouldn't ask me to get any kind of intervention. And the focus on this group is developing healthy relationships. It is humiliating to do this when I never had any intention of hurting her or putting her "under my thumb," but going and trying to learn what I can can't hurt me. I am trying to be open to the possibility that maybe there is more to my behavior than I realized. But I am nervous.

I made the call to set the appointment for initial assessment, and one of the first questions the woman on the phone asked was the name of my probation officer. It was embarrassing to be asked that question, and then to have to explain that I didn't have one.

And now I am worrying about what I am going to tell the person assessing me. That I was insensitive to my wife in bed, and didn't stop when she said I was hurting her? That I become upset when she tells me how much I have hurt her, and bang my own head into the wall? Do I explain everything from W's point of view, or do I express what I was trying to do?

What if I am told that what I have done doesn't qualify as abuse for their purposes?

OK, just typing this out I am realizing that I have been spazzing out over these questions. I guess I need to just relax and take things as they come.

I'm not even sure that an abuse intervention program is the right thing for me, but like I said, it can't hurt me to go, and at least it shows my good will in continuing to try.

I guess I'll just work on a list of things I want to say during the initial assessment.

If anyone's out there, an encouraging word or two wouldn't fall amiss.

[Psych77]

Thanks. I appreciate the input. And your honesty. I know you are not afraid to say things that may be uncomfortable for me to hear (from previous conversations), and that forthrightness is important...even if sometimes I have clammed up in response.

[Harrier]

Tread very lightly on the Abuse Intervention program. I see red flags all over the place. What a great thing to say to a judge to get you out of the house w/o you having a say.

[MajorHavoc]

Go in and tell them the truth, from your perspective. If the truth isn't that you belong there, hopefully they will suggest a place to be.

In my case, I'm seeing a therapist doing a 1-on-1 anger management program. (In fact, the book is a government publication and available free on the Internet: http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger2.pdf )

When I was evaluated they did speak to my wife separately to get her side of the story.

[MajorHavoc]

Harrier's comment makes a lot of sense actually. If you don't have anyone monitoring your Asbergers, you might want to just ask your regular doctor.

[Rick1963]

I would speak to a L. A judge can order those records.

[Truegritter]

Psych

I am no professional but your W does know you have Asp. Syndrome does she not?

From the way you discribed it, it does not seem to me to be abuse. Accidental and certainly maybe painful but would you say you intended to cause her harm?

Were you reacting to some anger or acting out some retribution type of behavior?

From what you described you became overwhelmed with what was happening and didn't know how to correct your love making technique shall we say?

I think a normal male reaction would be to do that. Try to do something different.

But only you know what you thought in that moment.

You stopped when she said stop.

Have you displayed abusive behavior toward her in the past?

I think by this time if you were an abuser you would have a history of it. Hence the question the counselor asked if you were on probation.

I am not making light of what happened or her feelings about it. I think she may have been truly scared and hurt.

I am more concerend that she may be setting you up here Psych or trying to take advantage of your obvious remorse and desire to repair your M.

Has she talked about a D or seeing a lawyer?

Are you under the care of a physician for your syndrome?

Have you talked to your dr. about this?

Be aware Psych. Protect yourself. People don't fight fair when they have made up their mind to get out.

I think but don't know for sure that if you talk to your dr. about this it would not be admissable to anything she might try to bring in to a D case. Again I am not an expert.

Be careful about what you say and who you say it to.

[KenF]

Psych, i dont post much, i browse on occasion, and ended up on your thread.

but this throws up a major red flag for me. i would strongly suggest speaking to a L before going to this Abuse Intervention program.

this may be used against you in the future, with respect to custody, etc.

at this stage of your sitch, you have to be very careful with what you do, and what you say.

[Psych77]

Thank you, everyone, for your concern. I will be careful what I say, although I don't think I quite have to be, as nothing I have done was meant maliciously. But there may be some degree of self-centeredness or lack of self control (meltdowns) that may benefit.

As for being set up, I did think of that, but only with that part of my mind that makes up nasty scenarios about people I am angry with. When my rational mind is in charge, I don't really believe at all that W is doing this as a trap.

There are a few reasons I don't think this will work out that way:


[list]
[*]I have already told W that if she wants D I will move out without any trouble. I can't force her to stay with me, and if the kids have to be with one or the other, I think they will be better off with her, given that I work full time and then some

[*]I also have told W that if we split, I will pick up all the overtime I can in order to see that I can support myself separately without the family taking a financial hit. It is something I need to do to be true to myself. So, in short, there would be nothing to be gained by trumping up evidence against me.

[*]As far as custody goes, I am not worried. W loves her children, and knows how attached they are to me. She wouldn't screw them by deliberately depriving them of their father.

[*]On top of all this, W has always been up front with me. If there is anything I can say about her, as angry and hurt as I have been with her at times, is that she is not a back stabber. To lure me into a situation by playing on my hopes for recovery of M (she introduced the idea by asking, "How far are you willing to go to save this M?")just so she can trick me into a legal trap would be quite out of character for her. If not, then I have not come to know her at all in 18 years.


Believe me, I have thought about your cautions, and in this current situation it is stressful to even consider the idea that she would stoop to that kind of betrayal, but after thinking about it, I am as sure as is humanly possible (of course, I can't read minds).

W does know that I have Asperger's. It just doesn't ease the pain she feels in response to my behavior. As I said before, I think her history of abuse by her family of origin may intensify her perception of what happened.

She has not seen a lawyer, and even when, recently, she suggested that I live elsewhere (my sleeping separately was a compromise, such that increased financial stress does not ensue), she hastened to add, "I don't want a divorce, I just want you to be away for a while."

I am seen psychiatrically for Asperger's, and I also have an IC who follows my progress.

I realize that going to this program is a great leap of faith. But think about it for a second. Every time you ML with your spouse (unless you use "protection" every time) you are acting in trust - after all, you have no guarantee that he/she has not been sleeping around on you, and doesn't stand to infect you with HIV or whatever else. If you have no evidence to the contrary, you trust that your M has been exclusive, so you willingly take the risk.

W has given me no reason to believe that she is trying to "get rid of" me, and she knows that she would not have to scheme to do so. She has given me no evidence that she is ready to become dishonest in order to eject me from our family. She shows no sign of losing regard for the welfare of our children, or loss of the knowledge that hitting each other below the belt would do them damage. Even when our children have asked why I am now sleeping separately, she has been careful to couch things in terms that respect both of us.

I guess I am just typing out my mental process, and my reasons for my conclusions - and doing so has helped me become more certain of them. Thank you for your input, everyone.

I am still nervous about going for that intake assessment (it is tomorrow), but I guess I will just have to bite down and do it. I'll let you know how it goes.