deployment to divorce 1

[31nheartbroken]

Weekends STILL continue to be the absolute hardest and lonliest days! For a year I dreamed and fantasized about the weekends where we would be playing wii all night, watching movies, and taking the kids to fun places (H even made some suggestions of things he and I could do together) and that was all wiped away in an instant!!

The LONLINESS seems to be the hardest part for me to get past!! I have friends and support, but it just isn't the same! He was always my very best friend and everyday was geared around hearing from him!

I ALWAYS try to remind myself that the lonliness is only temporary. It is something I have to endure right now, for a brief time in my life, in order to take care of myself and fight hard for my M.

If I can save my M, the lonliness will go away and I will have the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. If I can't save my M then the lonliness will eventually be replaced with someone new, when I am completely ready to let go of my R with H and move on.

Right now, all I think about is H! Not to the point that it prevents me from being me, from taking care of myself, or making myself happy. It's just normal for me to have him in my thoughts constantly. It reminds me of my love for him, that I can forgive him if he will let me, and that we may have happier times lined up for us right around the corner.

I am very seriously considering NC for, at least, the next week (H will probably start to ask about D stuff with the expectation of filing, I will have to fill him in and once I do back to a longer term of NC). I heard from him all, but 2 days last week. UGH, It put me back in a place where I long to hear from him and when I don't I get sad. I need to get myself back to the place where I was when I didn't expect to hear from him. I also need to let him see what it's gonna be like without me waiting in the wings. He rarely contacted me when he was continually with her for that month, but now he can only text, email, or message, either one of us so, I feel like he's been reaching out to me a little more. I want him to see and feel me slip away a little. REALITY!!

[2chiquitos]

31- something I'm working on is parenting myself. I bring this up because 1-I need to remind myself and 2- you express how much you miss his company and how someone else's company will help your lonliness.

Only you can cure your lonliness (this is me also telling myself) GAL will help you w that. Use your support system (if you don't have one find one and use them all -ie higher power; friends/family; exercising etc).

When I wish I could call H and tell him about something, I call someone else and tell them. If that's not enough I call and tell another person. I'm a talker and need to be listened. Is that a love language?

Anyway, take care of yourself! Oh and when he calls you about random things like tires, sometimes it means he wants there to be some connection. But don't read too much into it cuz not even he knows why he does it. They are a mess now!

[purgatory]

I know those same lonely feelings all too well. And weekends have always been the hardest. In fact, it's the nights that get me: when the kids are asleep and it used to be just me and H hanging out on the couch or ML... When I'm sitting there alone, *that's* when it hits me again.

I remember reading some of your posts while he was in FL, you were getting to a good place and detaching- you've had to start over (almost) now that he's back. Before my H moved out, I was a complete mess- almost everyday! I felt moments of detachment, but they were short lived. It was almost a blessing disguise when he moved out, I started to be able to detach more often. Dont misunderstand, I am not completely detached by any means, and I still long for his companionship... But I don't break down and cry anymore. I don't get my feelings hurt when he's not as attentive as I hope.

DBing while they are gone is different than when they are visible regularly. You've got to get yourself back to that mental place you were when he was gone. It won't take you as long as it did before and you should be able to recover from the emotional trauma quicker each time. What did you do that helped when he was gone? Do those, double them of you have to!

It's completely unserstandable why you're feeling low again, his homecoming and talk about D is like a second bomb. You're going to have to let yourself go through all the same emotions as the fist one, but they wont last as long in each phase this time.

You already proved that you can get to a place where you were able to say that you were completely done with the M.... Not saying you should get back there, but you can get to that strong place again!

(((31)))

[31nheartbroken]

When I wish I could call H and tell him about something, I call someone else and tell them. If that's not enough I call and tell another person. I'm a talker and need to be listened. Is that a love language?

This is my biggest problem. He has been gone for so long that I don't miss his presence as much as I miss the emails or texts that we used to share constantly throughout the day. Just telling him everything I was up to and even talking about the silly things like what we were having for dinner. I definately feel like this is a love language for me! (that's why he sucked me back in so easily) Any word from him makes my heart race and feel so close to him. Even if its just to say he needed tires. I ALWAYS call friends throughout the day and can easily spend 3+ hours on the phone with my mom, per day. LOL!

Anyway, take care of yourself! Oh and when he calls you about random things like tires, sometimes it means he wants there to be some connection. But don't read too much into it cuz not even he knows why he does it. They are a mess now!

FYI-Hadn't heard from him since Thu then yesterday he sent a text telling me the new netflix password and to send the movies back. LOL! I smiled really big, but I didn't reply. Trying to observe some NC and it always makes me feel more empowered when I don't answer. Like I'm the one in control!!

[31nheartbroken]

Ok, so I am still having a horrible time today. I have been painting and cleaning the extra room which includes going through lots and lots of old papers. UGH, triggers, triggers, triggers!! I just can't seem to get away from them today no matter what I do. Even when I leave the room or the house something triggers me!

I guess it is made worse by the fact that H's current spending at his school appears that he is not only spending for himself anymore and he's eating at those places that are not typical of him again! I know via emails from H's FB that OW was planning to visit him in March so I'm assuming that is now! Of course, messages from him have been very sparse and very, very brief compared to what they were last week. Last week he called back and forth about taxes, told me about the truck tires, etc. Didn't hear from him on Fri or Sat then on Sun I get this:

H: new netflix password is *******
H: you need to send the movies back

I don't reply! Then last night at midnight I get:

H: pay bills (extra money finally went in so he was telling me the money was there to pay the bills)

Makes me wonder if he feels guilty about talking to me when OW is around and if so, I wonder if he has something to feel guilty about, like feelings for me when he claims there aren't any. I also wonder if she realizes he's been talking to me as much as he has.

My gut tells me that this OW is pretty much using him for his money!! I really hope that gets old for him after a while!! Also thinking she's been pushing him with the D. Oh well, can't wait until they find out that it's gonna be at least 01/13. Hoping she gets annoyed after a while and backs off!!

I am back to planning to tell H I know about OW, but I think I have come up with a better way. I still feel like I need to let him know to get it off my chest. At this point I no longer expect anything, not even for him to stop seeing her.

I'm thinking of casually saying something like this: (next time we are face to face, still feel this is better)

"I think there might be something you need to tell me"

I'm sure his heart will race and he will think Oh sh!t, but he will say something like "what do you mean".

Then I will cock my head to the side and say "you know what I mean"

he'll probably say "no I don't"

then one last thing I will say "I'm giving you a chance to come clean right now, but if you don't know what I'm talking about then ok"

Hoping in this type of conversation I will be able to question him or hint around that I know without it appearing that I am really accusing him of anything. If he doesn't come clean and tell me then there is nothing I can do. I think he suspects that I know, but since I haven't said anything then he can't be sure.

Should I tell him in a conversation like that or just start asking questions and start hinting around. For example: H paid his cell phone bill this month and it is almost the same amount it was when our phones were on the same account. I'm pretty sure OW is on the account now.

I was thinking of saying something like "why is your cell phone bill so much, it almost looks like your still paying for both of our phones or something". So, I can hint around that I know that bill is for two lines without flat out accusing or questioning.

[31nheartbroken]

So far today feels like a much better day for me, emotionally! I started thinking about H's most recent texts as ways to reach out to me (makes me feel better if I view them as a positive thing) because honestly the password wasn't absolutely necessary. I can't remember the last time I got on the computer to logon. He could've waited until I asked for it. The "pay bills" comment wasn't necessary either. I mean I have been paying the bills religiously, even after H dropped the bomb. It's still my job!! I would've gotten on the bank account and seen the money was there and done the paying. So, again, I feel he was reaching out a little. Hopefully, OW will leave soon and he will start reaching out more and I can "kill him with kindness". Make him miss me some!

[purgatory]

So glad you're having a good emotional day!! They seem to come more often the more you become detached. Good for you for taking his texts as a positive- that keeps you in a PMA!!

[mimivac]

(((31))). Lonliness can be so hard to deal with, especially at your most vulnerable. Sometimes there is no stopping it, you're just going to feel lonely. But it's a feeling and it will pass, little by little. Your lonliness now is a gateway to a better, richer life in the future if it prompts you to GAL and become a better you. Ironcially, it can be easier to GAL when you are stronger and more detached, but you need it the most when you are vulnerable. So, GAL like your life depends on it. You say that your life before was oriented around hearing from you H. Now you have to re-orient your life. Find a different focus, even if it feels fake for now. Act "as if." I now re-focus my days around my list of life goals which include healthy cooking, home decorating, movies, and weekends exercising and socializing. I have to do this so that every phone call and text doesn't send me into a tailspin. I'm getting there.

My gut tells me that this OW is pretty much using him for his money!! I really hope that gets old for him after a while!! Also thinking she's been pushing him with the D. Oh well, can't wait until they find out that it's gonna be at least 01/13. Hoping she gets annoyed after a while and backs off!!

Why spend your precious time and energy focusing on her and what she may or may not be thinking or feeling? Who cares? She's not worth your effort and pain. She may get annoyed and back off, or she may not. Just as you cannot have expectations of your H, you certainly can't have expectations of the OW. She may have pushed him for a D, or it could have been all your H's idea. The hardest thing for me has been to stop my mind swirling with all kinds of fantasy scenarios of what H was doing/thinking/feeling, etc. It is exhausting, and I haven't quite managed to get it under control yet. But whenever I catch myself thinking, "I wonder what that sigh in the conversation meant, etc." I mentally say to myself, "who cares?" I am working on myself and H knows that if he wants to return to the relationship he can say so and we will start from there. Trying to keep the road home paved as 25 says by GALing and being the best person I can.

I am back to planning to tell H I know about OW, but I think I have come up with a better way. I still feel like I need to let him know to get it off my chest. At this point I no longer expect anything, not even for him to stop seeing her.

I'm thinking of casually saying something like this: (next time we are face to face, still feel this is better)

"I think there might be something you need to tell me"

I'm sure his heart will race and he will think Oh sh!t, but he will say something like "what do you mean".

Then I will cock my head to the side and say "you know what I mean"

he'll probably say "no I don't"

then one last thing I will say "I'm giving you a chance to come clean right now, but if you don't know what I'm talking about then ok"

Hoping in this type of conversation I will be able to question him or hint around that I know without it appearing that I am really accusing him of anything. If he doesn't come clean and tell me then there is nothing I can do. I think he suspects that I know, but since I haven't said anything then he can't be sure.

Should I tell him in a conversation like that or just start asking questions and start hinting around. For example: H paid his cell phone bill this month and it is almost the same amount it was when our phones were on the same account. I'm pretty sure OW is on the account now.

I was thinking of saying something like "why is your cell phone bill so much, it almost looks like your still paying for both of our phones or something". So, I can hint around that I know that bill is for two lines without flat out accusing or questioning.

31, I would not employ these tactics. Just my opinion and others may disagree, but why beat around the bush or hint? You know what you know and either you tell your H directly or keep it to yourself. Being direct doesn't need to mean you have a nasty confrontation. First, I would ask you, how would letting him know that you are aware of the OW help you achieve your goal? I don't know what I would do in this situation myself, and I feel for you. Best of luck and keep posting.

Mimi

[labug]

(((31)))Bless your heart, but I think you are building yourself up for a big letdown. All these wishful mental scenarios aren't a part of DB. Looking at reality and working toward a better, stronger you is so important.

How do you feel you've detached?

What are you really doing for yourself?

[31nheartbroken]

Well, just realized today that H has defriended me on FB, 2 mo after the bomb (it was still there 2 weeks ago, so I am confused). I also realized that he defriended about 50 other people that were all pretty close friends who were either on his last ship, my friends too, or knew us before his deployment.

This threw me into a hysterical tailspin!!

Luckily a girlfriend reminded me not to read too much into that petty behavior because she said there were times, when she felt so angry at her H or felt ashamed because of something that she had done, that she temporarily defriended her H or even shut her FB down.

It also made me feel better that he hadn't just defriended me, but also many others who will be VERY confused!! It also made me feel better to think about the fact that many of you have had your WAS's do the same sort of things. I quickly realized not to let it affect me and that I wasn't alone!!

UGH!!! A day in the life of an LBS!!