Left Behind Wife

[MaryD]

Thanks labug! More good tips and I appreciate them as I have all the time in the world, and great patience! And I'm enjoying my adventure of exploration.
Just thinking what are peoples' plans for the weekend getting through it and focusing on self?

Mary

[Grmpy_Mnky]

"But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act."

This is of paramount importance. None of the other parts of this program will work until you can do this. You won't be perfect at it - nobody is.:)

BTW- welcome!

[mimivac]

This is incredibly frustrating.

Yes it is and it's going to be more frustrating.

But it will less so when you let go of expectations of how he should be or act.

Work on you.

So important, and so difficult to do at first. When your world falls apart like this, you want more than anything to hold on, to control, to do whatever you can to bring back your spouse. But that only leads to more frustration and heartbreak. When you TRULY let go of expectations and focus on your own growth and well-being, there is such relief, even if your M is not yet healing. But no one is perfect at it and it takes some time to learn. I am only a beginner, but I can already feel the peace that comes from knowing that you can only control your own actions. I get glimpses of it in between thinking about what my H is thinking or if our M can be salvaged. It's a tough lesson, but one worth learning.

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[Sad in WI]

What I struggle with is that I have given my W space and concentrating on myself and being the best dad I can be and she thinks I am doing this for show. I have been following Sandi's 37 rules and not giving in to trigger responses. I really would like to say, "You have cut me out of your life and we are living isolated in the same home." With that being done why wouldn't I try to change things. I wish I did not have such a fixer mentality.

[MaryD]

It is so hard to give the other space when you want to grab them and hold them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. I have a fixer mentality too Sad in MI. It's really important what Mimivac and others are saying about how hard it is to let go of expectations and to focus on your own growth instead. Especially when you really miss your spouse, as I do mine. The sad thing for me is that I don't see my husband at all and he is not communicating at the moment in any capacity. The grief I feel is frightening at times. And I guess, now that he is left, I understand things better as he has made things clearer.
I've had to make a conscious decision to make myself feel in control of my own situation,reactions and behaviour, which also means doing absolutely nothing about the legalities of this sudden separation. I have time, and patience, and through this mess somehow I am feeling mentally stronger.
I'm still waiting for Michele's book to arrive, and I'm dying to read her recommendations. Dr. Phil has a good book I've been reading over the weekend - Relationship Rescue, some nice tips in there around the language to use in particular situations....
Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

[labug]

and it's interesting to me that he shares more in his emails about his feelings than he did when we were together.
But then he shuts down again, and closes me out - sometimes he says mean things out of the blue and I find that really difficult to deal with. He knows by saying nasty things that I become quiet

Talk more about this. How did you respond to those emails?

Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

This is the gift of time.

This early in the sitch you probably aren't ready to "practice." Initially our responses are usually filled with pursuing, guilt, whining, promises to change-all stuff they don't want to hear.

Use the time to work on you.

[MaryD]

and it's interesting to me that he shares more in his emails about his feelings than he did when we were together.
But then he shuts down again, and closes me out - sometimes he says mean things out of the blue and I find that really difficult to deal with. He knows by saying nasty things that I become quiet

Talk more about this. How did you respond to those emails?

Thanks Labug - his emails that he sent apologising I gratefully accepted and thanked him for - acknowledging his behaviour and the affair. I explained the terrible hurt and betrayal I felt which he said made him feel guilty and to blame. He has written about his feelings of rejection and low self worth in our marriage, which I responded to kindly by explaining how I didn't understand he felt like that, and how I never intentionally set out to make him feel rejected, and how sad and sorry I was about that. I mentioned that if he had shared that with me we could have done something about it.
The last email I got was about how it's over and he's never coming home - I didn't respond to, because I didn't know what to say as I was so upset and shocked.

Now, if only my husband wasn't stonewalling me, I could get some practice in..........

This is the gift of time.

The gift of time I fear that is creating an even deeper wedge between us.

This early in the sitch you probably aren't ready to "practice." Initially our responses are usually filled with pursuing, guilt, whining, promises to change-all stuff they don't want to hear.

Use the time to work on you.

I am totally working on me - but I would also love to work on my marriage. Is there any point when it's a one sided effort?
Thanks friends

[Grmpy_Mnky]

You are going to find that it is indeed one-sided for some time. Your H is in blame mode right now. All you can do is work on you, detach, and leran to love you. Like I said a couple of days ago, this takes time, some more than others. Right now you need to stop expecting ANYTHING from the H. Things will be OK one way or the other

[labug]

Thanks Labug - his emails that he sent apologising I gratefully accepted and thanked him for - acknowledging his behaviour and the affair.

This

I explained the terrible hurt and betrayal I felt

creates this

which he said made him feel guilty and to blame.

When he says something simply validate:I understand that you feel that way -or- I'm sorry you feel that way

He has written about his feelings of rejection and low self worth in our marriage, which I responded to kindly by explaining how I didn't understand he felt like that, and how I never intentionally set out to make him feel rejected, and how sad and sorry I was about that.

Again, validate: I understand how you feel.

I mentioned that if he had shared that with me we could have done something about it.

He most likely saw that as blaming.

The last email I got was about how it's over and he's never coming home - I didn't respond to, because I didn't know what to say as I was so upset and shocked.

[labug]

I hit the wrong button.

The less you say at this point the better. You have to accept that in his mind he is gone and give him time to get beyond the anger. Wait for him to contact you. You might want to post your reply here before you send it to him. I always wrote replies thinking they were fine when in fact they were full of control and guilting.

At this point respecting his path is the best thing you can do. Re-read The Last Resort Technique in DR.

This is the hard part (yeah, like the rest is easy) detach from him and have no expectations of him.

There is nothing you can do to force him back, that decision is his and his alone. He has to see you as a person different from the one he left.

This is hard stuff but it sounds like you have done a great job of GALing.