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#2226463 - 03/01/12 08:01 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3744
Okay Captain Impatient....

You have to have faith, that the perfect time will find you....

In the meantime, you are standing on your soapbox, screaming ..

Look at me, I'm different....

Pfft...

One day at a time...

If she asks, then you can explain that you need some time to reflect on everything that you had done wrong, and until you feel these things, then your apology will be only words. And that your true regret is that your actions spoke for you, for far too many years.

And that you had to do all of the wrong things, to learn the right things.


Then STFU and listen...

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#2226662 - 03/02/12 01:24 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: Mach1]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Preparing for the time that I'll be able to give the apology, I've typed up something along the lines of what I'd like to say. This is somewhat of a work in progress, as I continue reflecting on my actions. I also probably won't be saying this stuff verbatim, but it is what I'll be trying to convey. Please give feedback if you can. I'm trying to take ownership of what I've done wrong and am asking her for forgiveness.

In the short period of time that I haven't been drinking, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on our time together, comparing my mental processes now to what they were at any point while I was drinking. It's an ongoing process, but
there are some things I wanted to share with you.

I used to think that because police never had to get involved as a result of my drinking, that it wasn't that big of a problem, but I'm seeing now just how large of a problem it actually was, and how much of a role it played in me disappointing you and letting you down.

When you had your gall bladder surgery, I stayed in your room until you'd been brought back. I asked the nurse if you were going to be awake tonight, hoping I could go home and drink. When she said you wouldn't be, I left. There was no excuse for that, there was absolutely no reason that I couldn't have stayed there with you. This is only one example of many, but a significant one in both our minds. Unfortunately, there were worse things that happened.

I think that the worst thing about the times that I hit you was that I'd convinced myself I was justified in doing what I'd done. Sobriety and serious introspection has shown me that not only was I wrong, but I horribly abused both you and your love for me. The betrayal and indignation you feel are no longer a surprise.

But these are just the largest things I did wrong... there are innumerable other things that happened so often as to be a pervasive part of how I disrespected you: looking at other women, telling you to shutup or that I didn't care when you just wanted to talk to me, manipulating you, and taking the person most important in my life for granted. It really is no wonder you can't trust me. I wouldn't feel any differently if our roles were reversed.

You really have put up with a lot for me, and I was too blind to see it.

I want you to know how sorry I am for what I've done. For drinking for years, for belittling you, for abusing you... I don't know why it took all this to make me see it, but I'm grateful to you for forcing me to see it. This is why I'm asking you, from the bottom of my heart: will you please forgive me?
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2226702 - 03/02/12 03:13 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Tenbus - I just started reading your thread and will finish it to get to know who you are. In the meantime there's a thread I think will help. It's by Purgatory and the thread is called "if you like Pina Coladas". Go to post #2225183, page 2 i think, and hit the link. Talk to you soon. Have a great day.

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#2226725 - 03/02/12 03:47 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: rickb89]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Got it, thanks. smile
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2226736 - 03/02/12 03:59 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
ten, I'm going to talk some 12-Step here. I think you went to AA once but it seems that has fallen off the radar. That's OK, people get there when they get there.

Of the 12-Steps, making amends doesn't even come up until #8, it takes some people a long time to get there.

Any idea why it's that far down on the list?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2226746 - 03/02/12 04:09 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: labug]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
La - it's true that I haven't been back. No real excuse as for why other than scheduling and having to keep up with S, but it hasn't been too much of an issue so far. Still sober. No DTs. I like the group I sat in on, and will be going back.

You make a good point about making amends being number 8. It takes going through a lot of your own sh!t to really see why it is you need to apologize, to understand the pain that your selfishness has caused. At least, that's my perspective.

I'm somewhere between steps 5 and 6 right now. Been doing more Bible study on my own and spending time in prayer. It's a work in progress.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2226751 - 03/02/12 04:19 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes but AA isn't about DTs, it's about working on your head and understanding why you got were you were and how to keep from going back there.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2227638 - 03/05/12 03:01 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: labug]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Journaling -

Didn't see much of W the last few days. She worked pretty much every day, had plans every evening, including spending the night with her BFF on Friday. We did go to church and dinner on Saturday night, and I did give an apology, though not the one I wrote above. It was a much shorter one based on advice I got. She said it was honest, then went on to say she wasn't sure if forgiveness would be enough to help her feelings. She followed that with the whole "I love you as a friend, as S's father, but not sure if I can love you as a partner." You know, that old chestnut.

Also, when we got to the restaurant, she asked me if I wanted to drink and that I could if I wanted to. I told her no, reminded her that I'd told her "one year". She responded that I should be doing it for myself, to which I agreed and said that I was. That made things pretty uncomfortable.

In all, it was a terrible dinner, the restaurant had changed too much from when we'd worked there, and the quality of the food was dismal. Major disappointment. At least we both agreed on that.

I've been finding myself getting pretty angry with her since this weekend. She broke her smart phone and was complaining about that, likened not having it to heroin withdrawals. She went on to say that we should sign a contract with a carrier so we can get a good price on phones.

I agreed with her, but didn't commit to anything. After thinking about it, I realized this is where I'm going to have to make my first real boundary. I will not sign a contract until I know what way this sitch is going. Her not having a smart phone is her problem, not mine. I'm not going to get myself into a situation where I could potentially be screwed for a lot of money on line cancellations as well as dealing with any other potential ramifications carried by it.

That got me to thinking about our financial situation. I'm in a bad spot and it's getting worse. I told her last night that we needed to pay more attention to what we were spending, that most of our money was going to 5-15 dollar purchases, and quite frankly, the only thing getting paid was the mortgage. She asked me "why are you making so little?" I wanted to puke blood. I explained to her that after putting money back for the mortgage and my tithing, what was left got spent very quickly in small purchases.

W: How much are you tithing?
Me: 10%
W: Do you do it on every paycheck?
Me: Yes, that's what I'm supposed to do.

I think she was going to try and get me to stop, but I think my answers indicated there was no room for negotiation. She'd be arguing against scripture at that point.

I didn't mention that she hasn't helped me pay anything since she came back, but that's about to change. I'm also going to suggest that she get the internet turned on in her name, since not having it is one of her big complaints. I owe the ISP a pretty good chunk of change that I just don't have right now.

I told her we need to do real grocery shopping, start taking our lunches to work, and stop buying lunches. I didn't go on to say that the only time she should be buying cosmetics is when she's been paid, simply because I want to see how this pans out. She did agree with me on the other points.

If the status quo is maintained, I'm going to open a separate bank account and get my money deposited there. I've gone too long not protecting myself, but I want to give her the chance to participate in trying to fix this stuff first, so she can't throw that back in my face at some point down the road (though I expect she'll find something else to throw, just trying to take the high road).

I read Busto's threads yesterday, and I think that fueled the anger a feel about this whole thing and increasing my desires to set some concrete boundaries. She's definitely cake-eating, and while I want to support her, I'm now just being taken advantage of. I'm tired of that. SICK OF IT, even.

I've got to get back to me. I haven't done anything to GAL during Feb., and I think that's also contributing to my current foul mood. I want this madness to end. frown
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2227839 - 03/05/12 11:12 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Good Lord, I don't think I've been this stressed out in weeks. My stomach is quite upset with me right now, as tends to happen when my stress reaches these heights.

I want off of this roller coaster. Why the hell did I let things get this way? Quick, someone invent a time machine so I can go kick my own ass.

The worst part about all of this is I've done it to myself. If it weren't for the fact that I'd felt it so important to go out to tell her what I did and heard what she had to say in return, I might not be sitting here right now, feeling like I need to cry. I'm so sick of feeling this way.

Sorry guys, just needed to let that out a bit. I'm praying for strength.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2227846 - 03/05/12 11:34 PM Re: Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2 [Re: tenbusrider]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Have you and your W gone to MC or Retrouvaille? It might be worth giving it a shot since you twp are back together.

It seems a little conflicted to be living back together and not sharing equally in household expenses, but I understand your reluctance about getting locked in to long term contractual commitments.

Sounds like you've got a lot of work left to do to fix things in your R. Don't give up yet.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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