A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 6 of 9 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >
Topic Options
#2227757 - 03/05/12 08:05 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: cat04]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Cat you really think my M an be R one day even with her scheduling a mediator this week for divorce? Geeze you guys are positive. That is contagious. Focus is off the M. Right now I'm just going to the gym and starting the counseling. GAL. We did set a boundary no contact via txt. The other boundary that was set was no joint activities with the kids at all. Or shall I say. She set that one

Top
#2227767 - 03/05/12 08:22 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Mach1]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
What am I prepared to do about it?

I'm taking the focus completely off her and making it the kids.
I'm starting counseling on Wednesday for anxiety. Help me control my racing thoughts, manipulation, etc.

I'm currently at the gym to try to help reduce anxiety.

Sorry Mach1. I am real scared to be frankly honest with ya. Especially after the threat of her getting a mediator.

Top
#2227771 - 03/05/12 08:37 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2237
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Cat you really think my M an be R one day even with her scheduling a mediator this week for divorce? Geeze you guys are positive.


Are we positive? smile

Maybe we are...

Realistic is probably more like it...

You may actually get D. It happens. Just like you got M.

And you may reconcile. Even after a D.

There are NO guarantees.

That is the funny (not funny haha, but ironic) thing about life. Nothing is definate. Nothing is set in stone.

Many years ago when I got the bomb, I would never have guessed that X and I could be friends. He HATED me. He had dreams of my death. I was worse than the Devil himself.

Now, X and I are friends. In a wierd sort of way. We talk, like we should have talked when we were M.

Why? There are a lot of reasons. Most of them have to do with me figuring out my own stuff. Becoming happy in my life again. Becoming someone that I like, which in turn, causes other people to like me.

I am in a happy, healthy R now. I love my life and the man that I am spending it with. No, it isn't my X.

It also isn't anything I ever expected to happen. After my bomb, with X hating me so much, I was done with relationships. This was our third or fourth time splitting up and I was tired. I learned to be content with me. I was really happy being alone. I am not a bar person, not very social, wasn't lonely, so I wasn't interested in joining any sort of group where meeting someone would have been possible.

Then this man entered my life and swept me off my feet.

So I have faith. Faith in the fact that anything is possible and you never know what is coming down the road.

It didn't happen because I stayed stuck in my well of self pity and anger, which was a very comfortable place to be for a while...

It happened because I rose above it.

None of us here wish bad things for you, Net.

We are all in your corner.

Those of us that have been here a long time (me, Mach, 25, and others), have learned to see both sides. We can see how hard the poster here wants things to be different and we can see why the S has left. We have lived this. We have over come it.

We have walked on the hot coals in our bare feet and come out the other side.

We want you to avoid some of the mistakes we have made and we want to help you get to where you are healthy and happy.

It is also why we aren't surprised by much of anything and how we can see the forest through the trees...

I am going to ask you to go back to your list of nine (I think it was nine) and lets begin to look at those things. It was a good list. A good place to start.
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

Top
#2227776 - 03/05/12 08:46 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: cat04]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
1. I have control issues
2. I can be negative or downer
3. I am a huge worry wart, very anxious
4. I am a terrible listener (why I listed 9 instead of 5)
5. I can't let anything go. Always need to prove my point
6. I am a manipulator
7. I can be dishonest
8. Disrespectful
9. can be jealous

Top
#2227789 - 03/05/12 09:17 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Originally Posted By: netmaster
1. I have control issues
2. I can be negative or downer
3. I am a huge worry wart, very anxious
4. I am a terrible listener (why I listed 9 instead of 5)
5. I can't let anything go. Always need to prove my point
6. I am a manipulator
7. I can be dishonest
8. Disrespectful
9. can be jealous


Guess what? you just describe 90% of the population. (Studies back me up on this) The question is how much of these 9 are getting in the way of the real you.

I wouldn't work on eliminating these issues (as dumb as that sounds because you don't need an unrealistic goal) work on keeping these in check.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2227795 - 03/05/12 09:33 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Harrier]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Examples of behaviors I've done in my marriage tying into above:

-Broke into wife's facebook
-monitored her email
-monitored her cycle
-check her txt on phone
-she's locked herself in a room and I'd stand outside door trying to talk to her still
-use to visit her facebook page everyday (i had to delete my account to stop this addictive behavior)
-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing
-accused her of having an affair because of her anxiety
-researched every illness on the planet trying to find why she was having panic attacks (at the time I thought I was being a caring husband)
-when separated I still checked caller id on home phone
-even tempted to pick her cell phone up but didn't
-noticed her cell phone was flipped over all the time.

Wow what a loser. I'm sure I could think of more stuff.

Top
#2227798 - 03/05/12 09:39 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: Harrier]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2237
I have to completly agree with Harrier.

Most of us have these issues.

Working on managing them so that they don't control us is the goal.

All of those traits are facets of control.

Personally, I would start with listening.

A poor listener, is a poor communicator.

One of the DB principals, VALIDATION, is only possible when we are good listeners. In fact, when we validate, we SHOW that we are listening.

We may not like what we have heard, in fact, we may hate it, but we are listening.

By taking the time to listen, we slow down and when we validate, it makes it difficult to be disrespectful, defensive, argumentative (so we don't always have to prove our point), dishonest or controlling. Maybe, just maybe we really see the other person's POV. Possibly even actually understanding them.

Everything is interconnected Net...

BTW, you responded really quickly to my post...

I thought you were at the gym.

How are you posting and working out (getting those endorphins up, to help you feel better) at the same time?
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

Top
#2227799 - 03/05/12 09:41 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3744
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Examples of behaviors I've done in my marriage tying into above:

-Broke into wife's facebook
-monitored her email
-monitored her cycle
-check her txt on phone
-she's locked herself in a room and I'd stand outside door trying to talk to her still
-use to visit her facebook page everyday (i had to delete my account to stop this addictive behavior)
-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing
-accused her of having an affair because of her anxiety
-researched every illness on the planet trying to find why she was having panic attacks (at the time I thought I was being a caring husband)
-when separated I still checked caller id on home phone
-even tempted to pick her cell phone up but didn't
-noticed her cell phone was flipped over all the time.

Wow what a loser. I'm sure I could think of more stuff.


I crossed that out for a reason....

If you think in negatives, you will live in negatives...




Why were you like that ?

Are those behaviors that you like about yourself ??

Top
#2227800 - 03/05/12 09:46 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: ThisDayForward]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2237
Originally Posted By: netmaster

-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing


What exactly were you doing?

Besides the snooping...
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

Top
#2227808 - 03/05/12 10:01 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part III [Re: cat04]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
talking to ex girlfriends from highschool and they were of sexual nature. Not trying to have sex but talking about the good ole days of highschool. parking etc.

No I went to the gym for 2 hours this am. sorry for misleading you.

M1. I hate all of those traits. Everyone. If I knew why I was like that i probably wouldn't be like that! I came from a very abusive, alcoholic, violent home. I was exposed to this stuff from the age of 3 to 12. I always stepped between my parents arguments even at the age of 5. It maybe the root of all my evil.
Here is another clue. Have 2 brothers and sister that are all the same. Same behaviors. Anger. Older brother getting divorced as we speak. So Im guessing our upbringing. Its a guess not an answer

Top
Page 6 of 9 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004