Tad's Overdue Update

[AJM]

Tad. Good to hear from you. Would love to hear from you on the alt as well as I don't get here very often these days. Been busy..

Glad to see you are moving forward. You're a good hearted man Tad, from what I see. Not perfect certainly, but good hearted.

Your wife is gone. Way gone, brother.

What you may have noticed by now is that although she left you, you still have to leave her. Why? Because she isn't the woman you married. At all. Not even close. Because she will continue to influence your highs and lows if you do not. She will drain the life right out of you. Trust me on that. I could tell you stories...

She treats you like dirt. She is passive-aggressive about it. She doesn't deserve to be allowed to treat you like that. Nobody does. They will if you let them though. For no other reason than they can. They will fill in the reasons why they did it later and it won't have to make sense to anyone else. Perhaps their merry band of do-no-gooders, but otherwise (yes I made that word up) nobody of consequence.

Have you noticed how the truth comes out? Remember when you wanted others to "see"? That takes time, Tad.

Take her back? No you wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to date if you could do that. Your ego is allowing you that fantasy, but in reality you wouldn't take her back. Somewhere inside you know that it's over and she is gone. Somewhere in there you know she is nobody you know. You know she is nobody she knows as well.

Is she miserable? Perhaps. Perhaps she's as mad as a hatter and is maniacally happy while skipping all over the place. Perhaps not.

For what it's worth, I'm with ya buddy. Mine is a flaming bag of scum and that's certainly not anybody I ever knew. The OM is as well, and I almost got into it with him. Realized what was happening and am taking another tack.

For me Tad, I finally got to where I couldn't be bothered to waste the breath it would take to utter f**** off to either of them. I realized then that I really don't care what she does or with whom. I was tested on that when they almost sat in my lap at the movies the other day. When you get to that point, it is more freeing than where you've been.

But what is really freeing is not hating any more. Seeing things for what they are and accepting them. Leaving her even though she left you will help as crazy as that sounds.

Let it wash over you Tad. It's not what you wanted, but it is what it is. Don't let her craziness prevent you from reaching your potential and having fulfilling relationships.

You'll have to "teach" her to leave though Tad. Be warned. She's crazy and won't take that very easily. Be firm. Be strong. Be the leader you already are. Be patient and take the emotion out of it as you would a 4 year old that needed to be taught something.

Good to hear from you Tad. Keep up the great progress.

Oh. And date whomever you want. Be honest and build the kind of relationships you really want. There's nothing wrong with your ability to pick good people even if some are just "fun" and some are "fun and deep" in those realtionships. All else doesn't really matter.

Live like you only had to midnight when it comes to the relationships. Spend your time with those that matter and that treat you right, brother.

Be good,

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Me again.

PEI, you're right. I know I'm not truly ready yet, but the new GF keeps my mind off of things. I'm beginning to think that I may never be over my X. Damn, I loved her. Still do.

AJ, so nice to hear from you my friend. I guess I do have to actually leave her. Very hard but I am getting there.

We do not talk at all.

Valentine's Day came and went. It was a little rough, but soooo much better than last year.

X seems to still keep OM pretty much a secret. Still wonder why this is.

As for me, I'm doing ok. I love my new place and am starting to get used to my new life even though it is far from what I had planned.

X has been on my mind a lot for two days though......

Tad

[job]

Tad,
There will come a time when you will "get over" your wife. You are still very new to this and it takes a long time for people to settle back down. You have to remember that you are still going through the grieving process and it could take a couple of years before your feelings settle.

Many of the mlcers keep the op a secret to the world. It could very well be that she knows that the op would be viewed as the homewrecker or be compared to the lbs and then people would begin to question her sanity over her decisions. My xh kept his ow (now wifey) secret for about 7 years and one day I busted him on it. He still has not told his "favorite" uncle that he remarried and the Christmas cards that he use to send him had only his name on them. It's just a very strange way that they do things, but it's normal for most of them.

I'm glad you like your new home. There is a reason for all that has happened to each of us...we just have to wait and see what the good man upstairs has planned for us.

Keep up the good work!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Snodderly. I appreciate the insight.

Just a quick update:

Found out from S17 that XW has been telling our sons that I cheated on her when I used to be on the radio. As God as my witness, I have NEVER cheated on her. I honored my vows. She says that she "heard it from somebody" but won't say who she heard it from. She can't say because it NEVER happened. She has accused me in the past of brainwashing our sons against her, but I now ask: who is doing the brainwashing with this made up story? And....why would she?

As for our "relationship", there isn't one. I have not seen or spoken to her since right before Christmas. She has sent a few nasty texts, but I think she has given up since I no longer respond to them.

She is kicking S26 out soon because she has to downsize to a smaller apartment because she can't afford the rent since I am "making her pay child support." The interesting thing is: S17 tells me that she spends money like crazy. She just bought OM's car and a brand new laptop. She wanted to take S17 to Seaworld on Spring Break, but now says that she can't because she can't afford it. She is also nearly $60,000 in debt because of student loans. I'm convinced that she will end up being a career student. Her sister and brother are also still in school. Whatever.

She wanted S17 this weekend, but he told her that he wanted to stay with me because I was going to help him write a paper. She tried to talk him into going with her so she could help him, but it didn't work. Even though the divorce papers say "every other weekend", she has had him almost EVERY weekend. I think I may start demanding that we follow the judgement.

As for me, I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy. This crap not only killed me emotionally, but financially as well. Rebuilding is taking a very long time.

I'm doing okay, but the last few days I have felt depression settling back in. Not sure why because I am still on the anti-depressants.

Just wanted to update.

Tad

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Tad!

I wanted to chime in with my theory about depression. To me it is like a tide that comes and goes. And like the tides it is different every time. But also like the tides, you know it will change.

I get depressed, have fought it all my life. I love the ocean and love to pick up shells. And sometimes at my favorite beach the tide can come in quick, and weird waves can sneek up on me. And when that happens I just keep my feet planted and if I'm in deeper water I put my hands over my head and just let the wave pass. (Never letting go of my bag of shells....)

It was during one such wave that I realized it was a life lesson for me. I just need to keep my feet on the ground, reach up to the sky and let what ever happens happen.

So when I feel those blasted waves of depression coming over me, I just cast my mind to the beach and realize it might take a bit, but it will pass.

I am sorry to hear about the emotional and financial impact on your life. I am pretty frightened about that part myself. Like everyone else here I am just doing this one day, hour or minute at a time.

Aloha,

Wendy

[job]

Tad,
Your xw is projecting on to your son about you. As for the cheating comments she made to your son, state the facts to him and then let it drop. She is trying everything she can to get a reaction out of you and also make you look like the bad guy. You do not need to justify/defend your past to anyone. The best thing to do is ignore the comments because eventually, everyone will see the truth. The truth will come out in the wash, so to speak.

As for her complaining about child support, well...she brought this on herself. The law is the law and since your son is living w/you, she should be paying some type of child support. It's all about her and she doesn't want to spend on cent more than she has to in order to help you out. Trust me, she is not only going to be a career student, but she's going to be in debt up to her eyeballs and soon.

BTW, I do hope that you have had a discussion w/your son about saying anything about you or what you are doing in her presence. They have a way of getting information out of the children and they don't even realize that they've talked about the other parent. You might want to re-emphasize this w/your son.

I'm sorry about your finances, but you'll get it together...it all takes time. You have a lot on your plate and with the bankruptcy, you could be feeling a bit depressed about it. Take it one day at a time and don't plan too far into the future. One last thing...again...ignore her comments...she is trying to justify what she did, make you look bad in the eyes of your son as well as get a reaction out of you. Don't fuel her fire!

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad,

I just wanted to remind you to give yourself some credit here ok?

When you have kids, don't care how old they are, it's just HARDER. It just is. You are tied in some how some way. If you're not taling to the x's then the kids are coming home giving you info on the x's.

I face this all the time and it's hard. Kids talk about their Dad all the time, always giving me info on what they did, etc. It really kicks me in the gut because raising the kids is the one thing he and I had passion for together and I feel really bonded us. Im sure that's a big factor for you too.

Take care!

[AJM]

Hey Tad. How's my brother of another mother?

She accused you of cheating, again?!? I'd like to say that truth shows, but it only shows with those that care to see it. i.e. everyone else will but her. Welcome to the party

Your son will talk about things in his life. He should. Be careful what you put in his head though. Be guarded against the comments and accusations. They aren't likely over. I do notice however that they don't bother you nearly as much. That's good. You're seeing the craziness from more of a distance and that is much more healthy IMHO.

The finances will get worked out. Just a matter of time really.

Sounds to me like you are doing very well and I am very glad to hear it. It continues to get better even if the depression comes back from time to time. The anger sometimes does as well, but the good news is that neither stays for very long any more.

You're awesome and you know it. You're a rock and a man amongst men. You've come a long way and will continue to do well Tad. The plateaus are not to be feared, but realize they will be temporary.

Keep your perspective, Tad. The objectivity means a lot in this journey and in your life. Because if you step back you can see things much more clearly and not react, but rather act appropriately.

It's worth it.

Sanity. How much is it worth? I'll buy it.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wen, Snodderly, Kim and AJ.

Wen, I truly believe that when you said this:

I wanted to chime in with my theory about depression. To me it is like a tide that comes and goes. And like the tides it is different every time. But also like the tides, you know it will change.

You hit the nail on the head. Somedays are really bad and it scares me a little.

I would also like to point out that it was very weird reading your post and seeing you sign it as "Wendy." You see, that is my X's name. That is what I woke up to this morning!

Snodderly, you said:

One last thing...again...ignore her comments...she is trying to justify what she did, make you look bad in the eyes of your son as well as get a reaction out of you. Don't fuel her fire!

My question is: does she realize that she is lying about me or does she actually believe it? I don't want my sons thinking that I ever cheated on their mother. That is not the kind of person I am.

Be guarded against the comments and accusations. They aren't likely over. I do notice however that they don't bother you nearly as much. That's good. You're seeing the craziness from more of a distance and that is much more healthy IMHO.

Thanks AJ. It does help to try to step back and look at the big picture. I can actually see the "craziness" even more when I am a little more objective about things.

You're awesome and you know it. You're a rock and a man amongst men. You've come a long way and will continue to do well Tad. The plateaus are not to be feared, but realize they will be temporary.

Thank you for the very nice words my friend. If you ever make it out to Arizona, I'll buy you a beer. Maybe 2.

The thing that bothers me these days is the music thing. Music was a very BIG part of my life. I loved all kinds of music. I was a radio DJ from the time I was 19 until I was 43. I could tell you an interesing fact about almost any song. I used to listen to EVERYTHING from Jazz, to Metal to Classical to Country to Hip Hop. I loved it all. Really.

But.....I have not turned the radio on in my car since February of 2011. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. It is an actual FEAR. My S19 asked me two days ago if I have listened to the radio yet. I told him no. I CAN'T DO IT. I feel that music, or more specifically my career in music, played a big part in the downfall of my marriage. There have been times when I'll walk into a restaurant and turn around and walk out if music is playing. It is really that bad. Like I said, it really is a FEAR. Is this right or normal?

Tad

[job]

Tad,
The music didn't have a thing to do w/what happened to your xw. It's time to tackle that fear and come to realize that music can actually soothe the soul. I understand where you are coming from, but you have to remember that what happened to your xw happened a very long time ago when she was a child. Music didn't create her problems.

The things that your xw has told your son about you and cheating...in her mind, she believes it, even if it didn't happen. Their reality becomes distorted in many ways.

I'll give you a some of examples of what my xh told his lawyer which are quite funny now, but weren't at the time. My xh told his lawyer that I had knocked him unconscious, tied him up and held him hostage for two days. My xh is taller than I am and weighed in at that time at 250. There was no way that I could over power him like he said. Another comment was that I took all of his clothes and placed them in the middile of the driveway and set them on fire. This didn't happen because he had all of his clothes when he made that comment and besides my driveway is blacktopped. The PI confirmed that this didn't happen. One last example and then you can laugh. He came by the house one day while I was home and told me that he had rented a room from a man. The man had told him that he could put his dishes up in the cabinet. The xh told me that he said "I only have my coffee cup." He also told me that he slept on the floor because he didn't want to mess up the bed. My xh was very serious when he told me his tale of woe. He also wouldn't rent a particular house because it didn't have Anderson windows and another house had a broken intercom system. Tad, they honestly believe this stuff even if it's not true.

You've come a long way and I'm proud of you. You still have a ways to go, but I promise you, things will get easier as your continue your journey.