Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Journaling: Well, I've managed to pull myself together somewhat. Yesterday I went to a child's first birthday party, and came home exhausted (LOL, maybe this is why I don't have children). I then spent a few hours under the covers, crying, feeling sorry for myself, and guilt-ridden that I lost it on Friday. I was so tired, but afraid to go to sleep because the world looked so bleak -- haven't felt that way in a long time; that's when I know I've hit bottom. However, I managed to finally get up and move from the bed to the living room couch. Victory. I ate some dinner (do home-made nachos and left-over miso soup count?), and texted a friend to arrange brunch for this morning.

H came home around 9 and watched some television with me. I was calm, and there was no more drama. We went to bed at the same time and he told that he was scared to make the move and solidify our S. I validated, but didn't react. This morning, he went out to our second home (2 hours away) to meet with our real estate agent. I am assuming that he will pack and move into his new place tonight.

So what GAL do I have going for today? I plan to go out to a cute little crepe place for brunch with a girlfriend; do an exercise video, and follow it up with a nature walk; then I really need to prepare for the week (which I normally love doing) by cooking and cleaning; hopefully I will get a chance to organize my closet and make a list of clothes I need to feel better about myself; and finally I will do my "spa evening" and then relax with a Netflix tonight. I plan to keep my day calm, serene, and purposeful. I plan to use this gift of time to concentrate on being the person I've always wanted to be and know I can be.

It helps enormously to write this stuff out. Hope everyone is having a great day following their goals.

Mimi

[labug]

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised as you move through this process how much better you will feel little by little.

I spent what seems like weeks crying in bed but I had to do that to get here. I was still doing things to keep my life from spinning totally out of control but those days were pretty dark.

And now I have very few of those days but I'm beginning to realize that we never "get there" whatever there is. We just have to keep taking the next step on our path.

"realize that you just move forward inch by inch and that it is just a journey and not a specific place to reach..."from zig's thread

[mimivac]

Bug, I think what you wrote is really important to remember. It's a journey, and sometimes we go forward and sometimes backward, and other times sideways. But little by little it gets better. There is no "arriving" per se, but only a different, and, hopefully, better place to be. Also relieved to hear you mention that the bad times make the good times possible. I really believe this, too.

I think Accuray was saying on Adinva's thread today that when you begin to understand that you are valuable and worthy of a good, loving relationship, you are on your way to real detachment (my paraphrase). I feel that I understand these things in theory, but then I become very desperate and know that I am willing to take back H at any price, even if he feels that he is compromising by being with me. That's not self-esteem, and that's certainly not detachment. But, as you say, step by step. I truly appreciate your feedback, bug.

Mimi

[labug]

Ohhhh I've felt that many times, "It doesn't matter, if he comes back I'll make it work!"

I did that for many years and guess what, I couldn't make it work.

I have felt that I'm such a different person that I would like to have the opportunity to see if things could work. But now even that is making me feel a little hinky.

How easy would it be for me to get sucked back into the same dynamic?

But now I can define myself, I'm interested and interesting, I'm fun and sometimes funny (at least I make myself laugh), I'm smart, I like to be involved in the world, I have hobbies and creative pursuits that I'm good at, I'm valued at work and by those I care for.

Not a bad place to find myself.

[mimivac]

Ohhhh I've felt that many times, "It doesn't matter, if he comes back I'll make it work!"

I did that for many years and guess what, I couldn't make it work.

I have felt that I'm such a different person that I would like to have the opportunity to see if things could work. But now even that is making me feel a little hinky.

How easy would it be for me to get sucked back into the same dynamic?

I feel the same. I am in and out of the dynamic right now. Just when I feel my confidence rising and my life starting to look more interesting and engaging, something [censored] me back in. I guess that's how it works as you get stronger and more self-focused . I think part of it is also about letting go, which is so difficult for those of us with control issues (I would guess many of us here). Letting go of the idea that you can control your R all by yourself; that if you try hard enough your WAS will come back to you. I admit that I still find myself thinking that way even though I am aware that the only person I am in charge of is myself. What happens outside of me is the result of many factors and many actors, with me being only one. I think there is real power and peace in that realization, but it is one thing to understand it intellectually, and quite another to feel it deep in your heart. So, I continue to struggle and learn.

As I said before, books are my salvation and these days my ipad is also my salvation. I can download a book in minutes and begin the process of learning and growing. My latest, which I started last night, is called "Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives." I love getting different perspectives on life.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Journaling: yesterday was the first night that H spent in his new apartment. I was at a friend's house when he packed up and moved out (just his clothes; the place is furnished). That was a good thing, because I know I would have been emotional to see him leave. It was a little strange coming home around 7 yesterday evening and knowing that H actually LIVES somewhere else now. I don't even know his new address, although his place is not that far from our condo. Weird.

I teared up a little and called my mom for some support. Afterwards, I forced myself to put in a documentary I've been meaning to watch and actually really enjoyed it. When that was over I closed up the living room (turned off the heat and lights, straightened up a bit) and made myself a steamed milk with tea, filled up my water bottle with hot water and headed to bed, where I downloaded and started a new book. At one point, I started crying again thinking of all the times I read in the bedroom while H played a video game in the living room, and how nice it was when he came to bed as I was dozing off. I even called his name a few times like I used to and that led to more crying. Oh lord. I finally calmed down and snuggled into my comforter, clutching my water bottle, my cat booted up on the nightstand next to me.

I find myself in a strange mixture of sad, angry, resigned, and hopeful for my life. Sometimes one after another, sometimes all at the same time. What is encouraging is that I am usually able to get on with my life and even enjoy the things I am doing, like GALing and working on my goals. Little by little I am healing, although I'm a bit afraid of how much an actual D will set me back. We are still obstensibly working on things and going to MC and have not definitively decided to D. So at my absolute worst moments, when I cannot get out of bed, I comfort myself with the reminder that it is not yet all over. So, I might be putting off the worst of the grieving for another day. I know it will be different when and if we actually go through with D. But I am hoping that I use the gift of this time to really change myself as a person so that I can actually detach when and if that time comes (or even before).

Anyway, day 1 is over and I am looking forward to a week of GAL. Hope everyone is doing well today.

Mimi

[adinva]

(((((mimi))))) Good job making it through day 1 and taking care of yourself. I go through those same feelings often, and usually try to end the cycle on "hopeful for my life."

[mimivac]

Thanks, Ad! I am having a pretty good morning and in the "hopeful for my life" state right now, so that is always good.

Journaling: I find that there are certain times of the day when I start becoming anxious. I can feel the discomfort, the elevated heart rate, the sadness. Last night, I stopped at the market after work to pick up a few ingredients for dinner. In the condo, I turned on the heat, threw in a load of laundry and started on dinner (lobster rolls!). That's when I felt it. Cooking and housekeeping are usually very calming activities for me, but I guess they also remind me of my sitch these days. So, I did some deep breathing and poured myself a glass of white wine from a half-empty bottle in the fridge. Felt more relaxed. After dinner, I put in a documentary and relaxed on the couch with my blanket and my cat. Then I headed to bed with my steamed milk and ipad for more reading. I consider that a great evening. I did what I wanted. I was responsible and content.

H did not call last night to say goodnight and I realized that the more he doesn't call, he stronger I become. Sometimes hearing from him is like a "hit" of a drug I am addicted to. I can then relax for a little longer. But when I don't get that "fix," I get antsy again. But I am not going to be truly detached until I no longer need it. So, last night, I was surprised at how OK I was with not hearing from him. I didn't wonder whether he was solidfying his decision to separate, or what else it could mean that he didn't call. I was content by myself.

I had a great morning. I am an early riser and I love to read in bed before the day starts. So I did just that. I made myself a cup of tea and read my book, then made my lunch for the day, got dressed and came to work. I didn't have mornings like that when H was around because he always had to have CNN on television and was rushing around all morning. I have a more leisurely style. So, I am appreciating the little things and using this gift of time to take care of myself.

I know I will still have my ups and downs. I still wake up several times a night with anxiety. But for today I am doing well and appreciating what life has to offer.

Mimi

[labug]

H did not call last night to say goodnight and I realized that the more he doesn't call, he stronger I become. Sometimes hearing from him is like a "hit" of a drug I am addicted to. I can then relax for a little longer.

I said this almost word for word to my IC early on.

It does get easier.

[RoRoinMD]

Mimi - Sounds like you ended up having a pretty good night. Glad you were able to get control of your anxiety. Good going on detaching and not letting the "no phone call" thing bother you.