I am starting to freak out. People have been telling me that OM is a really nice guy, although I don't believe it being that he has been married 3 times and has knowingly helped to wreck out marriage. i am coming to the belief through the same people that W is a gold digger, which in this car is funny, because this guy is in more financial trouble than I am.
Anyway, I am feeling down tonight, because I am making W's choices reflect upon my being, which I know is not/should not be true.
Although everyone says I am a nice guy.. yada,yada,yada, I am having a hard time believing it. Either I am too nice, or not nice enough. WTF?
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I am watching a Dr. Wayne Dyer special on PBS right now and he is right! If I can imagine the future of my life the way I want it, it will self actualize. If I think W is in MLC then I will treat her as such and she will behave as such. If I give her unconditional love as I will everyone else, and forgo my ego, then true peace will come to me.
Money will not matter, my past relationship with W will not matter, IF W ever comes back will not matter, because I am a good person, A good father, A good husband, A good therapist, A good friend, A good teacher, A good disciple, and A good man,
The poem IF is written based on this philosophy.
I WILL start to better my life starting NOW.
I WILL do what is in my power to protect myself and my child, not out of malice, or spite, but to allow my dreams to be self actualized.
W is a good mother and although she may not be choosing the path I wish for her, or wish for my daughter to be exposed to, but it will not affect my relationship with my daughter or my W as far as what I am feeling. If she gets full custody, I will make the best of my time with my daughter and enjoy very moment I have with her.
I WILL not worry about money. I can be happy without it. IF W wants to play the Win/Lose game, I WILL not play. She may feel like she has won, but if I don't let it affect me, then she hasn't. It won't matter to me either way.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Well talked to a L today, but I think I will keep looking. His main practice isn't family law and he seemed a bit on the "off" side.
He did advise me to wait a few days before responding to W's L's letter to buy some time. That will give me time to get a lawyer and check out options.
I want to see if W is still interested in a stipulated D. That will save some money, because I really don't have any for a L. But the agreement MUST be fair to both sides, otherwise I have to fight. I would like to see if she is as selfish as I previously thought.
Some nice things the L said was that he believes she will be back 6 months after the D. He said he would almost guarantee it. It just depended if I was open to her at that time. He is basing this on his experiences with family law, of which he used to do a bit, but now he mainly does defense law.
Today was a nice day at work, had a nice lunch of crackerjacks, peanuts, and hot dogs (it was an american themed lunch at work today)! I am about to pick up my D1 from daycare and have the rest of the fabulous day playing with her.
It breaks my heart to have to think about all the time I might miss with her because of this mess, but I will survive.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Some nice things the L said was that he believes she will be back 6 months after the D. He said he would almost guarantee it.
You know - frankly, this seems like an odd thing for an attorney to say at a first meeting. Might be some projecting or wishful thinking on his part.
Not saying it won't happen - just that it doesn't seem that professional of him to jump to that conclusion at a first meeting.
It is important for you to find out what a court most likely would consider a fair settlement, then try to negotiate that with her to save money on attorneys.
Don't be penny-wise and pound foolish - NOT getting good legal advice will cost you a lot more in the long run.
Do you guys have any debt? Do you know what she is proposing as far as child support/custody issues?
I am not taking any stock into the comment, it was just nice to hear. No expectations here. Basically state says everything is split in half and 1 parent gets the child.
As for the debt, i need to see what she has. I have not a clue since all the ccs were in her name only. Only debt on my part that applies are medical bills for daughter and taxes. I have no ccs.
Her L states that W wants full custody with child support, but it also states a stipulated divorce, which means we can agree on something with one L. I need to know what W wants or if we try for 50/50 custody and if the state says no then, we figure the rest out.
Basically I need money for a good L, but have none. I am applying for cc's right now. I have good credit. Hers is in the toilet.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
So I would like to know, how many people here have had full custody of their children after a D and how many haven't?
If you only see them on weekends, how have you coped with it? The thought of this being an extreme possibility for me is almost debilitating.
I am already grieving over the loss of the time that I already don't have with my daughter, but if W gets full custody and full child support, I may be doomed to not being able to see her on my visitation days, because I will have to work more to make child support payments. My finances with college loans are that bad right now, but will be different in 6 years. Possibly sooner if my application for the health corps goes through.
This isn't really about money to me but time, time I can spend with D1 or time I will have to work to pay child support, which takes away from time with D1.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Well I think I found my L. She will accept a payment arrangement and does strictly family law. She felt so bad for my situation and respects my work that she is giving me a discount!
I told her I want her as an advisor for now so I don't mess things up, and if need be a defender/pitbull later. When she saw who W's L was she just laughed and said that W's L hates going to court and will do anything under the sun to avoid it. L also told me to relax as I have a very solid case for full custody should I want it.
Apparently the little snake in the grass L that W took me to see for a stipulated D told us that the state does not let couples share custody anymore and that there has to be a primary caretaker. That was a lie. My L does it all the time and I just had a family who just got a divorce and they got split custody.
I want shared custody and shared child support. I think W wil agree to that without having to go to court. It will save money and is a Win/Win/Win (child included) for all. D1 then has equal time with Mom and Dad. I realize that this makes it harder for me to move in the years to come if I wanted to, but I am ok with that, if it means having more time with D1.
Things are looking up! At work yesterday a co-worker pulled me aside and handed me an envelope for $200 for a legal fund. Her husband is a judge in town and he recommended several good lawyers for me. Apparently other friends are also starting a legal fund for me to use if I need to. I thank God eveyday for these people.
As for me, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Last night I felt that for the 1st time I have forgiven W and am ready to set her free. I had really feared how this D would affect time with D1 and how it would affect me financially.
Don't get me wrong I still love W deeply, but she has followed down a path that I can not go. I am keeping the road paved and smooth, but I am ready to start walking on my journey and onto a new life.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Things are looking up at least on the fiscal front. I found out today that because I have hardly taken time off with my job in 5 years, I have over a month's salary in paid time off that I will get on top of my salaried check! That gives me enough money for a L, a deposit of a new apt., and possibly enough for a short vacation to see friends!
Today i got to spend the whole day with D. Unfortunately daycare was closed due to a death in the family. When W called me yesterday to inform me of what happened, I told her I would take the day off and take care of it. She seemed surprised, but I could see why. Before, if there was not much notice to have to take the day off, I would do it, but feel pressure (me putting it on myself) of having to make up the time at work. I have a quota for face to face time and if I have cancellations, especially after traveling to their home, it wastes time and I have to make it up.
Now I see things differently, especially when I see the PTO that I have coming to me. Although I am happy with the check, I would gladly give it up to have W back, provided the changes were also made with her.
As for now, I am moving onward and upward, starting to GAL magnificently, and am looking forward to a new job and home.
Well off to apt. hunt on the net!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Today W picked up D1 1 hr. late because she over slept and showed up with OM to boot. I kept my cool although I had an appointment to get to and her tardiness was going to make me late.
She looked horrible. In the last 4 weeks she has dyed her hair 4 different colors! She must be blowing money like crazy or doing it herself.
She also asked for D1 all next weekend to go home and see W's parents. Not so coincidentaly there is the annual St. PAtty's Day bar run in town that weekend, so I am sure she will leave D1 off with Mom and Dad to go drinking all day with OM. Maybe her parents will see what is going on and stop supporting her bad choices. I am not counting on it though.
I decided to have fun that weekend and enjoy my freedom, even though I will miss D1.
Time to enjoy the rest of today!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
