Here's what happens -- WAS needs your pursuit. It's comforting for them to know you want them so they can come back at any time. They are motivated to keep that safety net available. When they sense you pulling away or don't know what you are doing or thinking, they get nervous and will start being nice to draw you back in.
As soon as you let your guard down they will again start to distance themselves from you, either with negligence or nasty or uncaring remarks. You must let them know you want them, but you can't come too close.
This is not sinister mustache twisting behavior, they don't know why they're doing it. Usually they are conflicted and as long as they can keep you on the line they don't have to face themselves or make any changes. The longer they can put off disappointing either you or OW the better.
Your exploding on him probably triggered this, your distance got too great and he started to worry that he was going to lose control. As soon as he is convinced you're back you can expect him to start distancing again.
If instead you keep distancing, you disrupt the push and pull dance you're locked in. You need to make him wonder what you're thinking and what you're going to do. Go out and don't tell him where and see what happens. You'll get him to pursue. Be nice to him and you'll get him to distance.
Your way out is to apply distance yourself and do not relent until OW is gone.
Accuray
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
How r u NH? thanks for your message yesterday...really helped. Don't forget Bikram yoga in Manchester. Try it once just for me...you'll see how good you feel
Thanks, Rick! I'll look into Bikram yoga in a couple of weeks. I managed to sneak in a quick 15 yoga workout after work while S4 watched TV.
Things are more or less the same in NHamsterland. H had a job interview today and I'm hoping and praying that he gets it. It would be a step in the right direction. It's hard for me to think that every morning he's getting ready and going to work and will see and interact with OW. Even if he claims that there's nothing there (which I don't believe), there was "something" there not too long ago. He's crossed the line and you can't retrace your steps. So for me to move on and heal, he'd need to break off contact with OW entirely, but it's not possible right now.
We had another exchange of opinions via email today. It started with me noticing that he made a big credit card payment without telling me. It opened up the financial can of worms again. He's been spending rather recklessly, though not huge purchases, it just adds up over time. I made a comment about that and asked him to be mindful of his spending. He brought up our disagreements about the finances from the past, which are true and we never found good solutions then. In our conversation today, I even went as far as suggesting to split our finances and to have separate accounts. That we could have a joint account for bills and shared expenses, and he could have a separate account for any leftover money. Then he wouldn't feel like he has to ask permission to buy anything. I also offered that he take over the finances and pay all the bills. He didn't respond to either of the suggestions.
H is still trying to wrap his head around everything, still bringing up why I did this or that. And I gave him pretty much the same answers as I have been. I also asked him if he thinks that I'm such a letdown for him, then does he even bother with me. He just responded that he's still trying to understand it all.
H also said that "everyone is on my side and nobody seems to understand where he's coming from". By 'everyone', I think he means his biological mother whom he's been discussing our sitch with (at least that's what he said a couple of nights ago when he was chatting on FB and told me that it was her whom he was chatting with). And if 'everyone' thinks so, then maybe there's some truth to that?
Tonight when H was telling me about his interview, he mentioned that the last 10 minutes he spent talking about me. I guess they asked him how he learned German, and then he went to talk about me, how many languages I speak, where I work, etc. Hmm. I was trying to be funny and said: "How ironic that people seem to be impressed with me when, at the same time, you hate me. Oh wait, they don't know the real me, the monster that's hiding inside me." Ok, not the best thing to say. It was rather sarcastic, but he seemed to chuckle at that.
Sarcasm can be a good tension breaker, when used the right way. I think your 'monster' comment wasn't too bad
I think your $ suggestions are great, and interesting that he wouldn't respond... Doesn't want the responsibility? Like you said, he wants to live hos college years all over again.....Wants to still have something to fight/blame on you? Give it some time and don't bring it up again. If he hadn't brought it up in a few weeks, it might be safe to talk about it again- before his spending gets really bad.
Yoga always helps to get my mind refocused- glad you got to do some today!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
NHamsterland......woke my son up I laughed so loud. I just signed up for my first yoga class this weekend, hope I like it. Thanks for the laugh and I hope this financial situation works itself out because he gets the new job. Never been a fan of seperate accounts if you are trying to create oneness.
It seems like your H is making an effort to come back to you. Reading your post it feels like you are pushing him away and giving him ultimatiums. He needs to cut off all contact so YOU CAN HEAL. Did your H ever sleep with this OW that you are aware of? or he just had feeling for her?
When your H talks about how he is just trying to wrap his head around things I think a more DB answer would be to simply listen and validate. Your response, however true it might be (why bother with me then) is very combative.
I certainly have no answers but I feel your H trying to reach out towards you and you not showing as much love as you have for him.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Newhampstermeow - regarding your finances i think both spouses need to have a firm grasp on economic reality and separate accts will allow him to learn and appreciate this. Going thru same with my W.
Be careful about making self deprecating remarks about yourself when he says he is trying to understand things. Dont lead the witness. Let him only know validation, solutions and positives. I see him reaching out often and I would hate to see anything you say thats negative reinforce some negative feeling or confusion he has.
Psyched about your yoga. Cant wait to hear about Bikram!
