Get help from a Divorce Busting® Telephone Coach TODAY! We specialize in helping you get your marriage back on track, even when your spouse has one foot out the door. Don't be discouraged. We can help.
303-444-7004
or 800-664-2435
Page 9 of 13 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 >
Topic Options
#2226025 - 02/29/12 11:17 AM Re: treading water continues... [Re: purgatory]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
The other day he was singing "you are my sunshine" to me...it made me tear up. Today, he wanted to cuddle with me and I sang 'you are my sunshine' to him. It's our favorite song

My W used to sing this to my boys in better times...waaaaaaah...it kills me to think about how much has changed.

Top
#2226830 - 03/02/12 01:42 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: rickb89]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
I haven't posted in a couple of days, partly because I've had more blow-ups and I'm trying to get down to the issue and understand why I keep losing it.

I'm not going to post everything that went down a couple of nights ago, but basically H was chatting with OW on his iPad. As soon as I entered the room, he quickly closed the screen. That small sign of secrecy made me lose it. I threw my rings at him, told him to 'f off'. I don't usually swear, but that night I swore like a sailor.

H is still in denial. He thinks that kissing OW is not cheating, that having an EA is not cheating. H defended his "friendship" with OW, which in turn fueled my anger. It was not a good night. I think I told him a few times to get the f* out. I said a few things that made him very angry. At some point he grabbed me by my wrists as I was trying to get out. I threatened to call to cops if he didn't let go.

I told him I don't want to be a doormat, and he said that it's why he likes about me, that I'm strong willed and won't take any crap. I told him I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

H asked why I didn't fight for him like this before? I told him I didn't feel that I had to fight for him. I think what he means is that I didn't put that kind of effort and energy into our M before. I think him seeing me lose it like I have done a few times is almost making him see that I do care about him, but he doesn't know what to do with this information. He says he is trying to sort it all out in his head, trying to understand me, but says he doesn't know who I am anymore. H feels that he needs to know everything about me, including what I'm thinking.

A lot more things were said that I either don't remember or don't really want to write down. These blow ups are nasty. I feel so out of control, like I'm possessed or something. I can't stop saying what's on my mind. Why can't I control myself?

Believe it or not, in all that went down, I was able to grab some positives out of H. H said that I am "the best thing that happened to him". That H regrets kissing OW. Even if he doesn't admit that it falls under the cheating category, he seems to at least think that it was wrong.

We ended up falling asleep with his arm tightly wrapped around me.

Things "seem" to look up after these types of confrontations for a little while. But then he goes to work (and he works closely with OW), and when he comes home he always seems off.

H has a job interview next Tuesday. I could use all the prayers I could get. Maybe it could be a step towards moving forward. As long as he works with OW (and won't draw the line between business and inappropriate), I don't think I'll be able to move forward. I hate being stuck in this situation and there is nothing I can do. H is choosing his "friendship" with OW over our M. He would rather give up our 13 1/2 years together over some dumb girl he met just a few months ago who is "just a friend"?
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2226869 - 03/02/12 03:11 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: nhmom]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2080
Originally Posted By: nhmom
H asked why I didn't fight for him like this before? I told him I didn't feel that I had to fight for him. I think what he means is that I didn't put that kind of effort and energy into our M before. I think him seeing me lose it like I have done a few times is almost making him see that I do care about him, but he doesn't know what to do with this information. He says he is trying to sort it all out in his head, trying to understand me, but says he doesn't know who I am anymore. H feels that he needs to know everything about me, including what I'm thinking.


This situation is so hard NhMom. IMO, you're much better off NOT letting H understand you or know everything about you. In fact, as long as OW is in the picture, the less he knows and understands the better. You need to make him feel out of control and not know what you're going to do.

After the adrenaline of an argument has worn off, you do get a rush of endorphins that make both you and H feel good -- it's "makeup chemistry". I've read that marriages characterized by arguments are often healthier because of this post-argument bonding. Right now for you, however, this is just letting H cake-eat. He's keeping you on the line while being able to continue with OW.

Everything he's saying there is cr@p. He is skillfully keeping you in pursuit mode. I would not trust any of it.

WRT kissing OW and having an EA not being cheating, he knows that's wrong. Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts (not really, but you get my point). Check out Pat Love's website. In the "Downloads" section there are a bunch of word documents and powerpoints that she uses for her seminars. Download the Word document about an "Office Spouse".

That document describes where the line is drawn, and what is over the line. Having a social conversation with a female co-worker at night on the iPad IMO is not acceptable.

My DB coach suggested downloading the Pat Love document and going through it with W to ensure understanding and agreement specifically on where we draw the line.

As long as OW is involved, your best bet is detach, detach, detach. Emotional distance is your friend!

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Piecing Again 9/12

Top
#2226997 - 03/02/12 09:33 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: Accuray]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Accuray - thanks for the Pat Love tip. I looked at the doc and it's so true. I also just started reading "Not 'Just Friends'" and it has some of the same questions. I wish I could show this stuff to H and prove him that I'm not paranoid, that he's crossed the line and what he's doing is completely inappropriate.


"WRT kissing OW and having an EA not being cheating, he knows that's wrong. Turn the tables on him and see how he reacts (not really, but you get my point).

I actually said something to that effect today, how would he feel if I did all of that. H replied by saying that if I did that, then we really weren't meant to be together. I wanted to ask him why I couldn't have a "special friend", but he had to go before I could say anything. Double standards, anyone?

I had a hair appointment tonight and left as soon as H got home from work. When I got home, he was very interested in seeing what I had done. He even followed me to the bathroom and kept talking about my hair, how he liked it, etc. Then he wanted to heat up dinner for me even though I said I could do it. I thought about having some wine, so he quickly went to grab a wine glass for me. I changed my mind and decided to have a beer instead.

After 20 mins of being home H went to go to a bar, because some of his soccer buddies were there. He even went as far as kissing me before he left. Guilty conscience, or what's up with being nice all of a sudden, especially since our last conversation wasn't left on a good note?
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2226998 - 03/02/12 09:37 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: Accuray]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
NH....your H is full of it....the WAS always tries to turn an affair back on you. Dont fall for it. I dont know how someone forgives a S's affair. Thats the one chapter in the DB book i havent finished.

Accurays comments makes very good sense.

Top
#2226999 - 03/02/12 09:37 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: nhmom]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Here's hoping the interview goes well.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


Top
#2227003 - 03/02/12 09:42 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: nhmom]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
IMO, sounds like a mix of guilt/regret or something. Or he could just be trying to keep things peaceful because he doesn't want to deal with the conflict.

Of course of other responses that could occur, this one's pretty good.

So how do you feel you need to respond?
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

Top
#2227007 - 03/02/12 09:49 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: ces67]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
He noticed your hair?! That's a good thing smile
I agree that he could be acting out of guilt. Or he might think that if he distracts you enough with compliments and good interactions, you won't talk about it.

Take his compliments and kisses... Be smart enough not to get pulled back in each time because you know that he's just trying to cover up for his indiscretions.

YOU are the better person smile
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

Top
#2227008 - 03/02/12 09:51 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: purgatory]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2593
Loc: VA
pictures!!!
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2227009 - 03/02/12 09:53 PM Re: treading water continues... [Re: nhmom]
mr mr Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/12
Posts: 201
Loc: Wisconsin
I am having the same thing...W has been nicer in the last 2 days and has been texting and reaching out.....but I have no interest right now, my IC seems to think she sees me moving on and is trying to pull me back in maybe due to troubles with OM. I feel you confusion, my only advice.....detach, DETACH.
_________________________
Michael

Me:46 /W:37
M:13 /T:16
D's:19,18,17,6
S:10
W filed 8/15/11
Court 9/21/12

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional.

Top
Page 9 of 13 < 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004