Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Thanks, nh! I am doing OK today. In New Orleans on vacay and spent the day walking around everywhere and felt only a little sad when I thought of my H. My mom is joining me tonight, and I am planning out our itinerary for the next few days. Downloaded a new book on my iPad to read on the trip called "The Ten Things You Do When your Life Falls Apart." It focuses on trauma in general, and how to pull yourself out of despair. Pretty good so far. Hope everyone is having a great DB day!

Mimi

[mimivac]

I'm back at work on this rainy, cold day in DC. I think this vacation really did me a world of good. There were times when I was sad, thinking of my sitch with H -- especially the idea of him actually renting out an apartment rather than staying with friends. It seems so much more permanent that way. But something shifted in me during this trip. I was able to hold both emotions in my mind and heart at the same time -- the sadness of my separation, and the joy of living. I allowed the sad emotions to wash over me at times, but I also knew that I would still enjoy life, that I had many adventures ahead of me, with or without my H.

I initiated no contact at all with H during the trip. He called and/or texted every day, asking how I was doing and telling me random things like the fact that our cat wouldn't play with him, or that he was having nightmares. I was upbeat toward him and sympathetic that he was wasn't sleeping well. On the day I returned, he texted me that he was looking at an apartment for rent, but that I should wait for him for dinner. I felt a little pang that he was taking the plunge with the apartment, but reasoned that I knew it was coming all along and let it go. I didn't text him back.

Once home, I didn't wait for him for dinner, but ordered from my favorite restaurant. He came home and told me that he said he would take the place, but now he was having second thoughts. He said it was weird to be in our condo without me while I was on vacation. Then he complained that I hadn't texted him back and sounded sad saying things like, "out of sight, out of mind, huh?" I went to bed early and he came in wanting to know if I would watch television with him. I said I had to get up and come into work very early the next morning, so I was going to bed. He kissed me on the cheek and asked me to tell him a little about my trip before going to bed. Then he turned down the television in the living room so I could sleep.

I have been feeling really good about myself lately and I don't want H's latest interest in me to derail that. The emotional roller coaster of thinking that he wants to reconcile, only to find that he's moving further into separation is devastating to me every time. Being without him really helps me to put things into perspective, but when he's around I find that I am too focused on him, making it very difficult to detach.

I went a long way toward detaching during this trip and I don't want to lose that momentum. Today we have MC, and we'll see how that goes. But I need to go right back to implementing my goals, so that I am happily engaged in my own life. Today I am meeting a good friend for a sushi lunch, and I want to start planning out my menus for next week and throwing in a few cultural activities here and there.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Mimi

[labug]

I think you're right the continue on your path and not put too much stock in his actions. Seems like the pursuer/distancer dynamic Crazyville has been talking about on her thread.

[mimivac]

I think you're right the continue on your path and not put too much stock in his actions. Seems like the pursuer/distancer dynamic Crazyville has been talking about on her thread.

Bug, that is exactly what is happening right now, and I am struggling somewhat to not put much stock in it. I am afraid I am interpreting a bit and getting into hopeful feelings when I KNOW I've been down this road before and it has led to diappointment.

H revealed in MC yesterday that he felt anxious, uncomfortable, and lonely when I went to New Orleans and did not contact him. He said he now knew what it felt like to be left behind. He thought I was giving him a "well-deserved taste of his own medicine." I replied that it was not my intention to punish him (which it truly wasn't), but to simply go on vacation, and that I didn't contact him much because we are separated at the moment.

He is still living with me while he looks for an apartment to rent. Last night he mentioned that maybe we should rent out our second home instead of selling it. This was odd since part of the reason he gave for separating is that he no longer wanted the responsibility of a M that included things like our second home. But now he is suggesting renting it out and becoming landlords -- certainly more responsibility than simply selling it. He also said that he felt anxious about getting his own place. I validated the feeling, but didn't fish for a reason.

Honestly, even though it seems that we are going in a positive direction, I am trying very hard to take the long view and not expect any concrete results from this. He has NOT said in any way, shape, or form that he wishes to reconcile. He is still very uncertain about the M and whether it can work out. I fully expect that he will find an apartment to rent soon, and I don't want to be caught off guard and be devastated by that.

So, head down, continue focusing on my own life, making my own plans, and continuing with LRT. I want to start being more aggressive with GAL. It seems that whenever something happens with H, my focus shifts and I want to counter that.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Journaling: It's a beautiful 70 degree day here in DC. For lunch a co-worker and I picked up amazing ethiopian food from one of DC's ubiquitous food trucks and went up on the roof of our building to eat. From there you can see the capitol, the air force memorial, and national airport.

Sitting in the sunshine, I started to feel a kind of sinking depression. I started thinking of all the bright, sunny days we will now have, all the cafes to sit in and have appetizers and drinks, all the glasses of tea and wine to have out on our balcony. And it depressed me to think that I would usually do those things with my H and now it's uncertain whether I ever will.

So, I let myself feel that way for a bit and then started repeating to myself that I am healthy and employed. I have a roof over my head, good food to eat, a beloved pet, lots of good friends, supportive family, intelligence, humor, vibrance, energy, and resilence. I resolved to keep making my goals, to go home tonight and open up my balcony and sit out there with a glass of malbec and my cat and take in the evening air. That is my mantra for the day.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Writing this on my phone, miserable and in bed. My third major backslide in as many months: I guess I am averaging one per month. Became lividly angry today and called him, trying to back him into a corner ("work it out with me, or leave."). Of course the reaction was not good. Have no energy left right now. Had all these goals for today, but totally ruined it. Feeling deep pain, and just need to take it easy tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.

[labug]

Wow, what happened?

[mimivac]

Bug, I basically couldn't hold it in any longer. I had a whole day planned with nice activities and work, but mid-way through I could feel my anger rising and rising. All my frustrations about my H were coming to the surface and I was tired of being so accommodating and nice, while he is getting a free pass to go out and live life without responsibility. I know, I know, not productive line of thought. Detachment, GAL, all went out the window and I called him with massive expectations and applied as much pressure as I could. I guess his impending apartment rental had rattled me a lot more than I thought. Just couldn't handle any of it today.

How in DBing does one handle the very real anger and hurt toward a WAS? How do you process those feelings while sticking to the goal of trying to save your M and be a better person? We are selling our second home right now because H says he never wanted it in the first place and that he doesn't need that kind of responsibility. This is the home that we dreamt about together during my cancer treatments as something we would give ourselves if I survived -- our dream place in the country. Now he's changing the story and it really hurts. I feel that I hardly know him now. I guess the whole house thing really triggered me today.

Sorry for rambling, but it felt good to ge it all out.

Mimi

[purgatory]

Must be draining to go from such a good place at lunc yesterday, to such a low place today. You're only human, so you're bound to make mistakes- its what you do *after* them that really matter.

After you answer Labug's question, answer this: what will you do to keep from doing that again?

[labug]

Great question, Purg.

And think about where your anger really comes from. Anger is a signal that there is more going on. Not to sound too woo-woo but my word for 2012 is PAUSE...and that means pause and think about my emotions before I speak, pause and think before a reACT rather than reSPOND.

When you feel anger building are you able to sit with it and determine its origin?