Agreed, SBT says it doesn't matter why. The only relevant questions are (1) do you acknowledge that it's there, (2) do you want to do something about it, and (3) what are you going to do?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
1. Do you acknowledge that it's there? I acknowledge that there is a problem in me that manifests itself in our M. I don't acknowledge some deep-rooted pain from my childhood that is somehow negatively impacting everything I do today. I can list just as many happy things about my childhood as unhappy, and I can't speak to any trauma.
2. do you want to do something about? Yes, I want to do something about it.
3. what are you going to do? That's what I'm trying to figure out. If I had that answer, I probably wouldn't need to be here.
When operating from SBT, with a coach or counsellor, in the truest form of staying in the present without investigating the past, there is a huge responsibility placed on the subject.
See, every time you are asked to do something, you bring up the past behaviours of your H.
SBT in how you would like it to be say, stay in the present, work towards the future. We say here, beginner's mind because you have to act in a way that there IS NO HISTORY with you and your H.
If you are committed to SBT, the DO NOT bring up the past. Suggestions of how to do things, how to act around your H, the new patterns that you need to establish to create a different and hopefully positive and better R with your H... you would need to do these things.
Some counsellors may look to the past not to relive the past, but to understand the causes of the patterns and hopefully develop a plan to work you past those patterns.
This is completely up to you.
DO...
or don't do...
You are reading some great books. In reading, you are trying to understand why. And from what I can see, you are looking for that answer and magic bullet. Something that fits in with the way you want to see things, that fits your paradigm... that justifies... And as we take the time to read and understand, we can come to that "aha" moment...
but at that moment, we need to do.
So do now or do later...
and when you feel you are justified in saying you tried... well... really consider the difference between your thoughts and the reality of your actions...
1. Do you acknowledge that it's there? I acknowledge that there is a problem in me that manifests itself in our M. I don't acknowledge some deep-rooted pain from my childhood that is somehow negatively impacting everything I do today. I can list just as many happy things about my childhood as unhappy, and I can't speak to any trauma.
SBT would say get out of the pattern.
Looking at your posts and responses, there is a pattern.
Stop making excuses... coming up with reasons why you will not do...
When you find yourself not wanting to act in positive ways with your H, stop those thoughts and do the positive actions... there is your SBT.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
2. do you want to do something about? Yes, I want to do something about it.
Then DO something.
SBT will not tell you to read a book.
SBT will tell you to focus on a positive outcome and act in positive ways.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
3. what are you going to do? That's what I'm trying to figure out. If I had that answer, I probably wouldn't need to be here.
While you may not yet know if you want to have a positive and functional M with your H, do you want to have positive Rs with everyone? You can't pick and choose who you want to have positive interactions with, otherwise you are holding on to the negative patterns.
If you do not want to save your M, or if you end up D regardless of what happens, you can use your H and your M as practice for the future, future Rs and possibly even a future M.
SBT says, plan, do, observe results, adjust as necessary...
It can be observed that you are not getting into the DO phase...
So observing the results would suggest you are not committed to SBT...
There's a lot being said here, and I'm definitely reading (and rereading all of it) and trying to respond quickly to everything. Please let me know if I've overlooked something. Some things I'm just getting to slower.
Quote:
SBT in how you would like it to be say, stay in the present, work towards the future. We say here, beginner's mind because you have to act in a way that there IS NO HISTORY with you and your H.
I believe I can live in the present, but I don't think it's possible to live as if there is no history.
For example, I can accept the fact that I currently have a job I'm dissatisfied with, and make plans to get a better job. But I can't just enter the job market without a resume, whether I like what my resume says or not. It is what it is. I can go to school, get additional training, etc., but that only changes my resume going forward, not the past.
In the case of my R with my H, I can plan to go forward, but I don't know how to live as if there is no history. For example, I KNOW that he has strong feelings for his college sweetheart. The fact that I found a series of email exchanges, we had a confrontation, etc., can be put in the past. What CAN'T be is his current feelings.
How does one live as if THERE IS NO HISTORY when they currently have an STD from their H's affair? (hypothetically speaking)
I believe I can live in the present, but I don't think it's possible to live as if there is no history.
I completely understand that. In truth, I believe that's more of a metaphor than a reality. In the same token, it is our pattern of going back and referring to the negative history that holds us back because we make reasons for why it won't be better in the future.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
For example, I can accept the fact that I currently have a job I'm dissatisfied with, and make plans to get a better job. But I can't just enter the job market without a resume, whether I like what my resume says or not. It is what it is. I can go to school, get additional training, etc., but that only changes my resume going forward, not the past.
Again, this is a great metaphor. And also, having NO history, is still a history.
Employer: Do you have experience and/or training
Employee: Stop bringing up the past
SBT would say, get the training or present relevantly transferable skills. Even in that frame, there is a sense of the past in SBT.
With SBT the FOCUS is on the present, but it does not negate the past. The past is still a consideration.
Observe results: That's bringing up the past...
Focusing on SBT as not focusing on the past is really just the reflection of a past pattern and making an excuse for not DOING SBT.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
Quote:
SBT says, plan, do, observe results, adjust as necessary...
It can be observed that you are not getting into the DO phase...
So observing the results would suggest you are not committed to SBT...
It only means I'm still in the planning stage because I don't know what to do, not that I'm not committed to SBT.
That is both honest AND fair.
SBT is done from a position of responsible and it also is best done from a sense of urgency.
If there is no urgency, then the problem is either not that bad or the problem has changed.
If you are feeling no sense of urgency to work on your M, then the problem may not be solving the M. The problem may be simply trying to survive the next 8 years.
I believe and understand that you cannot give an answer of whether you want to save your M. I believe that is not the problem to solve, as you currently present yourself and your motivations.
I believe the problem to solve is helping you to decide whether you DO or DO NOT want to save your M.
Stop trying to be right for one week. Why don't you print out these threads, white out your name, then go through them in an effort to support the following thesis:
The unamed poster consistently demonstrates behavior that confirms the other posters' views in many ways.
I'm guessing your parents' criticism often came out in the form of disdain if you didnt know something, did something in the wrong manner, made a factual mistake, uses poor grammar??
