we're not considering that yet - i want us to talk to the counsellor and describe his behavior first and see whether there are things we can do to draw him out, first before taking S in.
also want to get a feel first for what the counselor is like and where she stands on the issue of the effect of separations and divorce on children.
one thing i am determined to do right now, is NOT make any moves without the full co-operation of H. i think for him going to a therapist indicates a great weakness on his part - he sees it as a huge threat - that he is above needing help and can figure out his own stuff.
first i have to see what H will be like in the counselling - will he be honest and open and show his pain and guilt or will he put on his persona and act super cool and with it and sit back and be co-operative, but then when he leaves go back to what he always does, which is blame me.
we went to counseling together 2 separate times, for just 2 or 3 sessions while we were together - and i was dumb founded at the way he was - it was as if a different person was sitting there - the one he wanted to show the world, not the real person and the real problems we had.
during the separation he has adopted this different persona _except when he is with me and we are having one of those "emotional" conversations, and his whole family can see it and all our friends and acquaintances - and they ask me still - what's up with him why is he acting like that - so we'll see...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
sorry rick - totally don't get what you are referring to.
did you mean that mach and you did the "i don't know" thing
during one of our conversations during the last couple of months H finally said that whenever he said "i don't know" he actually meant NO. and that from now on when he said i don't know i was to take it as a no.
quite a revelation! no wonder i felt like i was losing it and was over anxious all the time
interestingly, come to think of it, since that conversation i can't say i've heard him say i don't know again.
in fact for how indecisive he was for the 10 yrs we were together, he seems quite decisive now about staying with ow and not even considering giving us a shot.
in fact i don't quite ever remember him being so firm about an issue for a long long time
there is the other side of the coin - i have a very strong personality with a big mouth and he is much softer and i think i realize now that i simply overwhelmed him with my strong opinions.
my 180 with that realization has been to now first ask him how he'd like to do something and only offer my suggestions if he asks me.
EXCEPT for the issue about going to co-parenting counseling - i was pretty vociferous about that after i read in DR that children take first priority over everything
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i have a question - how many of you are in the situation that even though your spouse is having an affair with someone else, has moved out, will not even begin to consider even talking about the possibility of trying again, but has not been able to let go emotionally?
it is clear to me and H has admitted it also that he can't let go - he can't bear the idea of me being with someone else or moving on. he is even more conflicted than he was 6 mos ago but absolutely won't make any moves - and the attraction between us is almost painful - i feel him wanting me way more than he did in the last 10 yrs
its almost like he's denying the possibility of me to himself
that is why i am such a mess - for 6 mos, i have fully expected him to be on his way so completely and have been constantly surprised that he keeps coming to me for emotional support - i let him in the first couple of months and when i realized that it wasn't working, i stopped. but he still does come periodically to let me know how conflicted he is, but won't give me even the slightest indication that he wants to try
he says really stupid things like - wait till everyone finds out you're single , the guys are going to be falling over each other to get to you. he compliments me all the time about how great i look etc and once in a while admits that it is really painful to be around me because he wants me so bad (sexually). he is really pained when i imply in any way that i have a life of my own - that i'm going out, or that i'm going to be busy etc - i can see him really trying to control the urge = he can't resist though and always tries to find out with who and where, and i just casually and happily say oh just with some friends
on the other hand he will do stupid things like come to a party at our house and then i'll find him in the back yard calling ow.
it's like every time he is tempted to enjoy being around me, he calls ow almost as if to remind himself that that is what he is doing. he has told me in so many words that he doesn't want to hang out with me because he doesn't want to find out if we will have a good time together
this is the craziest scenario i have ever encountered in a separation
so what do you guys and gals make of this - is this usual in this kind of situation or just outright bizarre and off the wall?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
well i have no expectations that it will be worth it - there is no indication that he is going to cooperate fully and really understand what is going on with S, because until now he hasn't wanted to face it.
but i am going to see this as one of those baby steps as michelle says - actually for us just the agreeing to do it could be viewed as a giant step.so i will try to be as positive about it as i can - there is definitely a twinge of disillusionment and disappointment within me about this whole situation
so you had the same with your H? i'm so sorry
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
"then he would turn around and say - see you always control everything, so i'm not going to participate. i realize now during this separation that it was a very passive aggressive way for him to not participate AND to then put the blame on me by saying i was controlling."
Sounds familiar. You are not alone. Glad you are here
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
he's stopping by with stuff to drop off before he leaves for his trip. i am not going to be here - he wouldn't tell me what time so i am just going to be gone all morning so he doesn't get to see me and say bye.
that should count as a 180 also because i am always here
shite day today - i know he's going to be with ow by this evening - wish i just didn't know...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Detaching and no contact are to give you emotional space.
Quote:
sorry rick - totally don't get what you are referring to.
I think rick means he was an "I dunno" guy and that got him here. I have shared with him that he seems much like my H.(they even have the same name)
Now a request, to really get to know your sitch, I find it helpful to have the particulars in your signature. If you go to My Stuff at the top of this page and then to Edit Profileyou can add whatever you want, just remember to save it.
Then people with short memories can stay caught up without going back thru the pages of your thread.
Have a good day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
