Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[YankeeCandle]

You might want to try 5HTP if you don't want drugs, and maybe some magnesium, and a great supplement called True Calm by Now foods(vitamin B's for the nerves). It's all natural and won't get your system dependent. You will naturally need these to help you cope with stress at the moment as your body will be using a lot of nutrients to get you through this. I am not a naturopath or anything, but I take these to support myself during this trying time and they really do help.

[Broken74]

Thank you guys for your support. I certainly had a mini meltdown yesterday. I have an appt with my IC at 6:30 tomorrow. I thought about a lot last night, and have came to the conclusion that my W issues are so deep I can't keep making myself vulnerable to be there for her. As you said Grmpy there are no more excuses. I am going totally dark and fully expect to never to hear from her again. I am coming to terms with her adultery and then on top of that continuing in a relationship with her affair partner. That is a major bruise to the ego, but I think eventually that will fall apart. At this point I will say that I won't be there to pick up the pieces when that happens. There is just too much water under the bridge, I could never trust her again...

I probably will not be here much because alhtough it's been very helpful, it also gets me spun up to make me dwell on my sitch to look for other things to do. The only thing I can do now is to protect myself and move on with my life. I will post any significant updates if they happen, and will add to others sitch's if a can when I visit here.

Thank you one and all for your support and advice. This is a great community with a lot of great people. I am Broken but will not be defeated. Godspeed and good luck to all in your respective sitches!

[labug]

Broken, if it's time to go, it's time to go but I'm going to challenge you first.

It takes 2 people to make or break a R.

Are you leaving because you've figured out you can't change your W and you choose not to change you?

You said yourself you've used alcohol to deal with your uncomfortable feelings. Now that you aren't actively using, those feelings are going to surface a lot. What are you going to do about that?

How do you think your next relationship is going to look if you don't work on what causes that discomfort, uneasiness, shame that's deep inside of you?

You've probably heard, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Ring a bell?

[Broken74]

Hi labug,

Thanks for your response. I am certainly going to carry on with my changes to be a better person. I will make updates here sporadically, but when I come to this site it is going to immediately bring my W and failed marriage to the forefront of my mind which I can't deal with right now.

My plan for now is to keep working on myself, and strengthening my relationship with God, and put a lot of focus on my job and other GAL activities, and more importantly, try to forget that my W, our marriage, and our past ever existed.

At this point I doubt I'll ever get married again (although that's what I said after the first one), given my track record with it that really would be insane... lol I need to learn to be happy on my own, which is what I am trying to do. It's probably going to be a long time before that happens.

So I'll still be around from time to time. Who knows, maybe a month from now she'll be telling me she's sorry... Somehow I doubt it lol It's more likely that she'll engaged to the OM since he's loaded.

Thanks again bug, many hugs to you!

[25yearsmlc]

Hi labug,

Thanks for your response. I am certainly going to carry on with my changes to be a better person. I will make updates here sporadically, but when I come to this site it is going to immediately bring my W and failed marriage to the forefront of my mind which I can't deal with right now.

maybe someday soon you'll post about all your GAL instead...and your PMA and the 180s and your w may not come up again at all.

I happen to think seeing a professional is called for. Most spouses would in your shoes if they could not control their thoughts...

and there are several posts on this site about HOW to get the thoughts of your spouse with OPs out of your mind.

Check those out. The stop sign method is simple but effective. You literally imagine a Stop Sign every time she comes into your mind and replace that thought with another DIFFERENT one...but there is more to read on it. Check it out.



My plan for now is to keep working on myself, and strengthening my relationship with God, and put a lot of focus on my job and other GAL activities, and more importantly, try to forget that my W, our marriage, and our past ever existed.


if that helps you for NOW, temporarily, so be it. But in the long run it is not the recipe for growth.

At this point I doubt I'll ever get married again (although that's what I said after the first one), given my track record with it that really would be insane... lol I need to learn to be happy on my own, which is what I am trying to do. It's probably going to be a long time before that happens.


You have nothing to decide now. If you learn from the mistakes you made in this r, and you grow into the man you were meant to become, then you may well feel differently AND better prepared for a healthy r with someone...later.


So I'll still be around from time to time. Who knows, maybe a month from now she'll be telling me she's sorry... Somehow I doubt it lol It's more likely that she'll engaged to the OM since he's loaded.

Thanks again bug, many hugs to you!

enough about her.

What, specifically, are you working on in you? Your temper? Okay good...and the condemnations, how about those?

They don't help YOU or your cause.

I learned this the hard way---

"if you hold onto anger b/c you think it hurts someone else,

it's like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

[Broken74]

Thanks 25 and everyone, I'm much much better today. My primary doc gave two weeks of Lorazepam and I can tell it has put me on a much more even keel already. I have IC appt at 6:30 tonight as well.

I think the past four days although emotionally wrecking have finally made me come to terms with my sitch. Here are the last comms we had on Sunday.

Me "Can we please meet tomorrow at Ruby Tuesays to talk for a few minutes? In the greand scheme of things I really don't think that is too much to ask".

Her "I have a mid-term due tonight and its 2 hrs long. I will be working late tomorrow because I have an appt in the middle of the work day. I don't think it's a good idea to talk. You ned to make your decisions for you, not based on me. My feelings about us have not chaged. I don't think we could ever truly be happy together."

Me "Your decisions won't allow you to figure that out, you are damaged trying a relationship with antoher damaged person. Why do you refuse to invest any energy in us at all? It has been 7 months since you know anything of significance about me.

Her "That's not ture. We had spent time together and it's clear to me that we are too differnt. Even when Michael and I didn't speak for months I still did not want to be with you".

Me "Cassie this has been the most trying 7 months of my life, I have nhot been myself, and I have been put through absolute hell. Can you seriously in good faith give up without looking to see me now? The things I've done out of unconditional love for you and the kids mean nothing to you?

Her "Your beahvior is still irrational. All of the texting and calling you did this weekend, all because you knew I was with him"

Me "I didn't know you were with anybody you told me you were with friends last night if you recall. I was trying to spend some time with you that's all. So He's met all the kids right?"

Her "Whatever I know you drive by the house"

Me "That's not true not in months"

Her "I'm not answering your questions it's really irrelevant.

Me "How many men have been drug througg your kids lives in the past few years is irrelevant? "

Me "I am done and will file the divorce petition in August as your final parting gift. I am done being a fallback for someone who has zero respect for me".

Her "Take Care. And yes, your check will be in the mail tomorrow and I'll start working on refinancing"

Me "Which you committed to COMPLETE in March, but hey what's a committment right.... I hope you can find some self respect on your journey, Karma has a funny way of making that happen. And I'll be happy to take a check from him, or whomever else is in queue to purchase the car, not a problem."

Her "Shut up. We're not married anymore so I dont have to listen to that kind of [censored] talking from you!!!"

Me "As long as you can sleep at night Cassie... Eventually your conscience will find its way home, I hope for you and the kids sake anyway. "

Her "You're the last person on this PLANET who should be talking to me about living with a concsience. Leave me alone. I've nothing else to say to you. I'll be looking forward to the divorce papers. Let me know in advance when you want to get your things out of the garage please.

Me "Your playing me over Christmas for the car was utterly ludacris.

Her "I never played you! You forced it on me while all the time I was telling you I didn't want to be with you. You are in denial. Get some help. Your pics don't make me jealous. She can have you. Best witshes to you both. Same ole Ben. You will never change"

Me "I forgot "no" is such a hard word lol. I'm all good now. I have changed but you'll never see it. You aren't interested because you're in a fantasy world. When it crashes around you don't call me"

Her "Don't text me again you're out of control"

Me "We didn't even have time to arrange the family unit and make the marriage work. You gave up too easily. Read about it. I'm sorry for my failures, I wish i could go back and fix them because I think we could be happy, we were more often than not. Goodbye

Her: PS Don't mess with my family, friends, or with Michael. We all know how you are so I want to tell you in advance don't start any drama or crap. Just move on. "

Me "Already have, and I'm not, dont' worry nobody will get any Christmas cards..."

Me Later "I want to apologize for everything I said tonight. It's very hurtful to know that you are choosing your affair partner over your husband who tried to do nothing but make you happy and I got angry. I won't bother you anymore and hope you will give thought to what you're doing. If you choose to file in August I won't fight it.

So after this I have been 4 days totally dark, and I think is going to be a long streak, I understand she may never contact me again outside of matters of the car etc. And I am fine with that now.

In the midst of the first big 180 which is goinig dark. Plenty of GAL activities, Golf and Basketball leagues start first week of April. Spending plenty of time with family and friends, its good to get back to doiong thinks I enjoy that the marriage would not afford.

So work to be the best man I can be everyday. I am moving forward with my life, and it looks like my W and SC witll never be a part of it again. That is sad, but in the long run I will probably look at this as the right decision, even though my heart says otherwise. Nothing is over until it's over, but in my mind this is over now and I am at peace with it.

Thank you all for your opinions they are very baluable to me. I will make updates as they come along and chime in others people as I can. I am just happy to not be on edge anymore some of theses silly pills have miraculous effects...

[Rick1963]

Broken have you read the the rules below before?




1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[Broken74]

Yes Rick, I have read them and have threm printed and posted in three diffent places. When she would pull me back in I would basically start doing my own thing. Alhtough It's probably too little too late, All of these steps will be in my behavior, because I am not going to be reaching out or responding to her about anything, except the car transaction and remaining items.

I tried for force her hand on Sunday which was a mistake. But given her gall of coming out saying that she is seeing the same dolt she had the affair with TO THIS DAY I simply cannot tolerate that behavior. At some point a man has to maintain a shred of his own dignity.

I guess my behavior going forward can be consider real divorce busting, but the reason it is that way is because I don't care anymore.

My life will be taking on a level of simplicity that it hasn't had since before 2004. I'm starting to think of where my first trip will be, I have no kids so I can come and go as I please. I am bound and determined to make three people happy from this day forward, me, myself, and I, hopefully doing this many times via acts of service to others.

[Broken74]

Four days no contact and I can definitely tell I am finding I am turning the corner. Every friend and family member that knows my sitch is extremely happy with my recent train of thought change. How can I love, honor, and respect a woman who refuses to show a single thimblefull of respect for me. I've came to grips with finanicial losses I have taken by my decision making, that is going to be a 180 I take forward in the future. Any woman who is going to interested in me is going to be for me, not by what I have or can provide. Those days are so over. Looking forward to Friday being over for an exciting GAL weekend. And when I've been here today I don't even dwell on her or my sitch, which each passing day and can see this is certainly going to get eaiser. Don't know if it's the meds or just my general change in attitude but I feel better now than I have in the past seven months, when I was at my lowest point Tuesday and Yesterday.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and advice, you are all the greatest and I wish the best to each and every one of you.

[Broken74]

Closing in on a new world record! One week no contact by me whatsoever. Did get the car payment from her with a little stab, she just signed her first name on the return address of the envelope like she intentionally left off our last name although it's all over the check.

This really does get easier each day that I don't have contact with her. It will be interesting to see how and when she eventually reaches out to me because I am certainly not going to reach out to her in any way.

I haven't thought about what she's be doing or with whom and I think I have made great strides in detachment this week. Although it was not the path that I was wanting or planning to be on, it feels to good to be on a path at least. If she were to come wallowing back at this point I can safely say that ship has sailed and I will no longer be interested. I have decided I will be civil, even though her actions honestly don't even deserve that.

So I continue to GAL and have a great time, things at work are busy which is good, and I continue to work on myself to make me a man only a fool would leave (although I'm not worried about the W at this point). On a side note on 15 more Domestic Violence classes for me to attend prior to my record dismissal thanks to her blatant lies she penned to the police because I busted up her affair.

It is very hard to come to the conclusion that an intelligent, driven, successful guy as myself, voluntarily married into white trash. That's what I did and that's why I am here. I was suckered in by a pretty face and some off the charts sexual moves and glossed over a lot of red flags and negatives as a result of that. I should have never married this woman, and it has cost me dearly. She pushed extremely hard to get married, and now I see why, she got what she wanted, and now she's out. Such is life, but nothing like this will ever happen to me again.

So don't look once folks, look once, twice, three times for making that leap because you may end up with a snake like I did. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!