Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[oldtimer]

Get the tv and as much other stuff possible without drama as scheduled today. Your stuff is in her space. Remove it.

[Broken74]

Thanks guys, I appreciate everyone's feedback. I agree with you oldtimer, I do need to get my stuff out, but given my mental state I think it is in my best interests to give it another week at least to get my mind right about this interaction. The funny thing is, she sent me an email and I didn't respond, then she texted me and I didn't respond, and she absolutely started blowing my phone up. I am keeping my cool but she is losing hers, that's a nice change...

[Yasu]

Recall Cheryl advised get your stuff as a sign you've moved on. When in doubt, go to exact words of Coach.

Don't mess around prolonging it.

Also, it MAY be possible that you are getting off a little on her sudden repeated contacts (perhaps you'd like to enjoy the attention a bit longer? Just a thought, I know I would if roles were reversed).

This is my recent lesson I've learned on the forum. Don't overthink. Don't try to mindread. This applies to your postulations regarding her response to a small screen VS a large screen. You will never know what she's thinking. Do not try to mind read or speculate on how your actions will effect her. Just forget. I've been doing it for years, and I've learned nothing.

You have a goal to get your stuff. Do not revamp the plan for all of these new excuses. Just go get the TV, and as much other stuff as possible. Forget about what she's thinking.

Even better, bring a truck, and take more than was expected.

No more mind gaming in your head. You are doing GREAT! I proud of you.

I have screwed up this week. And am very ashamed of myself. But I have learned a lot - especially about this mindreading concept. That stupid thing has taken up so much time in my head, only to be terribly stressful, and confusing, as well as completely MEANINGLESS and FRUITLESS. Hope this helps, Yas

PS. Please keep sharing Cheryl's advice!

[Broken74]

Thanks Yas! You've been at this game too long to be getting down on yourself, keep your chin up!

So I didn't pick up anything from her house last night because I wasn't mentally ready. Think I have had a significant breakthrough though, and see that the nonresponsive/delayed response tactic actually works! It totally threw her for a loop yesterday when I was not responding to her texts and phone calls, she was blowing my phone up. I had a Dr's appt and they took offense to my blood pressure rise over the past year that I am sure is directly linked to my sitch. When I told her I had been at the hospital she got all concerned and has been blowing my phone up today. Just playing it cool for the time being, in the near future I will be renting a truck one Saturday to retrieve all my items from her house.

The interactions yesterday seemed like a game but they shouldn't be. But it is a game in a sense as my behaviors are not what I want to do, they are to coerce her into a certain behavior. Trying not to overthink or mindread I am very bad with that...

GAL long weekend this weekend, very much looking forward to it. Good luck and God Bless to you all!

[Broken74]

Ok, so I am ready for a 2x4 bludgeoning and I'm a big boy and I can take it. The fact of the matter is, that this isn't an exact science, and as far as demeanor between W and myself in the past six month, at this point it is the best it has been during that time period. I haven't so much applied the DB principles in these recent exchanges, but my approach has worked. I think the fact that I have been dealing with a medical concern has really made her think. Here is how things have progressed through the week.

Monday:

Her: You get my email?

Her: Hellooooo? Can you hear me? Lol

2 hour delay

Me: No, I’ve ben at Duke all day. Doesn’t look I’ll be making it ****** tonight.

Her: Duke what? School? What’s going on.

Her: Please answer me

2 hour delay

Me: Hospital sorry, looks like they’re going to let me leave.

Her: For what?

Her: My phone is messing up. Texts aren’t working. What’s wrong with you?

We spoke on the phone and I explained they were concerned with my spike in blood pressure and ran some tests on the basis I had felt some fluttering with my heartbeat.

Tuesday:

Her: You working today?

Me: Yeah

Her: How’s your heart feeling did they say you’re stressed?

Me: Trick question? Lol I don’t feel anything. My blood pressure skyrocketed between my physical in January of last year and now. Most likely stress induced not uncommon for people in my situation, they just want to be sure.

Did my attempt at levity rub you the wrong way? The irregular heartbeat is minor, they are more concerned about the blood pressure than anything. So I exercise everyday, don’t drink, don’t smoke, but will likely be put on blood pressure meds at 38. Awesome right? Lol

Her: You do too drink

Me: I’ve had maybe 12 beers since the new year, not once intoxicated. Why do you continue to say that when you don’t know what I do?

Her: Cause I know you! ;-P

The 5.0 OS is cool. Has the pull down screen at the top of phone. Love it!

Me: I wish you did know me, because you’d know I speak the truth. You knew me but you don’t know me now. :-P

I need a new phone but I’m going to wait for the 5.0.

Her: Do you have any amoxicillin left?

Me: The big horse pills I got from you at new years?

Her: Yes. I know they were ancient but I have a sever urinary or bladder infection and I’m in pain. 

Me: Pretty sure I took them all. I’ll check when I get home. Why don’t you go to the doctor?

Her: I’m paying $2000 dental bills for SD this month and SS2 braces consultation is this month. Plus daily meds for them on top of all that and SS1 school trip expenses. I’m barely floating, I can’t afford to take care of myself.

Me: I can. I know you need to find yourself and I have been and will continue to be supportive in your doing that. If you will open your eyes and heart for a minute you will see that you don’t have deal with these worries in the future, and your family could have the man of the house you’ve always deserved.

Please go to the doctor and I will take care of it.

I know my words mean nothing to you, but they are all I have to offer since you don’t see my actions.

Her: I’ll be ok. I have Audrey’s meds that may knock it out for me. I don’t want to talk about us in that sense please. It only leads to anger and you being mean.

Me: I did not put my new skills to use last Tuesday and I apologize for that. My heart is physically broken because I miss you guys so much. If that doesn’t prove where my heart is I don’t know what does. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time and wish there was something I could do to help. I hope you feel better soon.

And thanks for showing concern for me. I appreciate it.

I’m sorry about talking about us. I know that I shouldn’t but it is important for you to know what you guys mean to me.

Her: I already know. I haven’t forgotten.
____________________________________________________________

So all in all a positive exchange, despite my as usual non adherence to the DB principles, but I feel in this case the approach I used worked for me.

This yielded a phone call from SD yesterday with everybody else on speaker, SD was trying to sell some cookie dough for a fundraiser for school. I committed to a couple of units and had a nice discussion on speaker with my three stepchildren and W. The W and I chatted for a minute, she is sick and the moment and she shared what was going on. She ended up asking me what I was doing for the weekend, and I let her know I was heading out of town to Atlanta for the ACC tournament. She made some off the cuff statement about is that halfway between here in Philadelphia where the girl I was talking to briefly is located, and I am not mind reading here but those types of comments lead me to believe that the jealousy bug is still in play. She ended up making mention of maybe grabbing dinner when roll through town on Monday evening (ironically to attend the domestic violence class that she put me in lol). I'm not saying that I don't deserve to be in the classes, I have actually learned a lot, and I was verbally abusive because of alcohol on a handful of occasions.

So I obviously have a great GAL weekend planned. I am sure she is going to be testing the waters this weekend with text messages and phone calls. So I am going to actually apply the DB principles during this GAL weekend and significantly delay my responses to any such comm's from her, or maybe just not respond at all. Correct strategy right?

I think I am finally showing unconditional love for her. I have no expectations, and I think she can feel that now. She may or may not be talking to OM at the moment, I have no control over that nor do I care. Actually that's a lie, I do care, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I just block it out of my mind. She started getting spun up when she found out I was having a problem, and she reached out to me for support when she was sick. That is my highlight for this week.

I am hitting the road after work today and am extremely excited about this weekend and am going to have a great time. I honestly hope that she doesn't contact me period, which will hopefully allow her brain to wander as to what I'm up to. Atlanta is going to be CRAZY this weekend...

Thank you guys for any feedback you can provide, and good luck to you in your respective sitch's.

Here's to a UNC/Duke final so we can spank that azz again!!!

GO HEELS!!!!

[Broken74]

Had a great GAL weekend with the exception of my Heels getting upset, in the grand scheme of things no big deal :-).

So she did end up texting me a few times over the weekend and we had fun, no stress, non R conversations with no issues. It sounds like we are going to be getting together this week, although she was clear it would not be a "date". Better than nothing I guess. All in all seems like day to day improvement if I let her lead. Will see where it goes from here...

Good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's!

[Grmpy_Mnky]

So she did end up texting me a few times over the weekend and we had fun, no stress, non R conversations with no issues.

Glad to hear it. Keep it up.

BTW - don't be complelled to share your changes with her verbally - like telling her that "you have changed." Take some time and let her see it for herself.

[Broken74]

Thanks Grmpy... Still having positive conversations with W, primarily by text and email but everything seems to have some positive momentum. This is probably a mind reading statement but she is looking into getting her diamonds put into a new setting to wear on her right hand. This is no surprise because we had discussed previously should we reconcile in the future we would be totally starting over. I made a slightly pursuing statement to the effect of don't get to unique with her selection because you never know when you may get something on your left hand that needs to match. She didn't bite but it didn't rub her the wrong way either. Other than that our communications have just been chatty, goofy, and funny really, kind of like the old days when we first started dating. When I have strayed into "us" territory she hasn't exactly bit on it but she hasn't been taken aback by it either.

So all in all, although I'm not DB'ng by the book I'm feeling better where we are because we're in the best place we've been in the past 6 months, and things seem to get a little better each day. I realize going dark should be my strategy but I think that would be more hurtful than helpful at this point. I also think if she were conversing w/OM then we wouldn't be talking in this way. Possible mind reading but I know her and am certain that is the case. Again mind reading but I have to think the OM must have shown his true colors in a way, or something happened to break things loose in the last couple of weeks for sure.

So all in all a good week for me. My short term goal is to let her initiate all communications going forward, and I will respond in kind, and to avoid any persuing behavior. It is really nice for us to be talking again without angst between us, it has been a long six months to get this point.

I know I deserve some 2x4 treatment as I'm doing my own rogue style, but it honestly has got us to the best spot since all of this nonsense started. That said I'm not going to do anything radical to break that momentum. Thanks to you all for your continued support and good luck in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Trigger day today... Financially a good thing as rental tenants are moving into the marital home. Bad thing because I didn't think it was going to be an emotional trigger for me, but it is. I built that house for our family, now another family is moving in. I know that if there is any chance of us reconciling it will be an entirely new start, not in that house, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a sad day just the same.

More persuing behavior from me last night, asking if she or the SS's would like to go to the NCAA games this weekend, obvious answer was no thanks. She has been having some medical problems which have made me reach out to see how she is doing, I am really trying hard to stop that. I am not a stupid person but the detaching behavior is so counter-intuitive in this kind of case it is hard to follow.

I'm starting to wonder if her niceties as of late are related to the fact that she probably hasn't been able to secure financing for the car. Who knows, I have certainly proven that I am not a mind reader.

Although the communications we've had have been playful and seemingly positive, the exchanges obviously cause me emotional distress. The sitch itself is easier to deal with when we aren't speaking period, which is what I know I should be doing already.

So I'm quickly approaching the 7 month mark and am still in absolute limbo. She is in no way showing any signs of trying to work on a R in any way, and she may or may not be dealing with the OM at this point. She never mentions divorce and when I have brought it up she more or less changes the subject and says she's not worried about the divorce itself.

I guess that's the silver lining I take for now, and the fact that we speak and have fun non R conversations. It would be crazy to actually spend some time together! lol

Just venting really, I know I need to do a better job on detachment. Tomorrow off and another GAL weekend at the NCAA games, detaching on the weekends isn't so much of a problem, during the week it's a different story...

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Yasu]

I think you need to give her some time to seriously miss you. She can't have the pleasure of your company, and also do whatever she's doing, or shouldn't be doing. (Help me remember, Broken, what exactly was the reason she put you out? I'd like to re-virus that in comparison to current situation).

And DBer's - what is Broken to do with these multiple texts? Obviously, keep it business - and kid related. But when there are so many (because this young lady is not used to being "ignored").

One more point, Broken. As I read this post, and the conversations with your wife, I got the distinct impression you were trying to tempt your wife with a better life, with no money problems, like she deserves (manipulating/control). My guess is that if she capitulates to your wishes, then it will be ok for her
financially.

That is no less than a bribe. You have to quit trying to buy love. Put money in the bank for the kids education. And don't talk about. Don't tell her about the changes. You more than anyone needs these 180 rules.

Cheryl, and your DB posse will direct you. I wll re-read your thread, as I have difficulty holding information in my mind. Yas