Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[BFloat]

^^^^ i totally agree.

i'm not really sure where your thought process is at the moment. IMHO.. i think you should STFU (to put it bluntly) until you get your emotions in check.

the kids are just that.. kids. don't expect them to step up or call.. it's not their responsibility.

i'm sorry to say this.. but the verbal spats you have is still abusive to a degree. why can't a trophy wife have kids? all i would hear is that i wasn't pretty enough. the comment about her being special but that there were also many other woman that were special really bites. and then the comment about keeping things in her pants..

i can understand that you feel she can not be trusted again.. but just from her standpoint.. i would also be wondering if you could be as well (just seeing the other side)

maybe this will give you some insight.. i don't speak for all women but i will speak for myself..

as a mom, if H and i end up getting D and i start a new relationship.. my kids will always.. ALWAYS.. be my number one priority. how they are treated.. how they are coping.. ALWAYS! for me, i could sacrifice some time and prioritize my M because H is the father of my children (and a strong relationship w/ him would be a positive for them). however, with a new person, my kids are my heart and soul and i would not sacrifice them for that person because i have that obligation to them. i'm not saying i would allow them to be disrespectful or treat him badly.. just that if i had to choose to be w/ my kids or a new person, it will be my kids.

just trying to give you a different perspective.

[Yasu]

Well, Broken. This is a serious backslid, and I agree with previous poster, you must Not have any conversation with her until this anger is in check, period.

Part of this program is giving unconditional love, without expectations - no matter if your spouse is having an affair. I will tell you, to fully carry this program out, it takes a unique, strong individual - that has endless faith, and engages the DB techniques for themselves, fully realizing their is no promise a spouse will come back. The only promise is that you will become the best spouse anyone could want - and that is all you can control, period.

Personally, I could absolutely not have a relationship with my husband if he slapped the cards on the table, and told me he is experimenting or seeing another woman. While I now know this has been the case, I would have handled things much differently over this separation. One thing for sure, I would have never met with him on those occasions.

I am willing to accept this MLC phase, but any OW makes seeing me non-negotiable. Other than a call to "Hello" call to test the water (I remain in the dark - and am willing to accept a reasonable settlement, divorce, or trial if he
brings it on). Also, If he's changed his mind, the phone call demonstrates that the door is open.

If he would contact me, and take notes here, all that would happen is that I would give a nice greeting, ask how he is, and then LISTEN CAREFULLY to everyword he says. I'd keep my personal life to myself. I would end the call early, on a good note, period.

Now, look what you did. You got into a relationship argument. Don't feel bad. I got into dozens of those, and they got ugly too. And I felt to hurt and frustrated after. I just wanted to call back again, and clarify my position.

Broken, it happens to all of us at the beginning. You are hurt, and your hurt has understandably manifest into anger. Anger never solves anything. No one can blame you for being angry. It is perfectly normal. Your wife is with another man - what man would not be angry? Next, you are going to get very depressed about this.

The DB process will help prevent you from sabotaging your self-extend as you go thru these very normal stages. Today is another day. Pick your sell up, read the 180 everyday, and do not deviate from them.

And pat close attention to the one especially that says, "do not believe anything she says, and 50% of what she does. She needs space, and you are not giving it to her. She made a rather strong threat to take action with a restraining order. If you don't back off, there is a 50% chance according to the 180 that she may take that action. She may not really want to, and may come to regret it - but why go there? Back off.

When she contacts you, all business, period.

Ask your "Cheryl" for more direction. Then before your appointment, ask yourself if you met the goals you and Ms. Cheryl set up. I am praying for you Broken. I even made a prayer in the prayer section on DB for you. I wish I had done it sooner!

Keep you chin up!!! You are a strong man. You can do this. Yas

[Broken74]

Thanks labug, Barely, and Yas

Yeah it's a deep hole and I'm not sure if I want to crawl out or not. STFU is certainly what I should've done and what I am doing now. I'm going to have to disagree that any of my statements were abusive. I was being honest with the trophy wife comment, if I wanted a trophy wife, I woudn't have picked her, 100% honest, I didn't say that to be mean this is fact. It's also ridiculous that she thinks I married her for that reason. Also, when she spouted off about engaging with other man prior to the affair partner I found out about, instead of investing that energy into our marital problems, my comment about keeping her stuff in her pants holds much water. Should I have said these things? Obviously not I was angry, but are either of them verbally abusive? I don't think so. If someone weighs 700 lbs and they are called fat is that verbally abusive? No, politically incorrect yes but verbally abusive no. If calling a spade a spade is verbally abusive then maybe I have a life sentence.

I appreciate your comments on the kids, I want to point out a couple of things that may show my of train of thought in this area, as in the realm of a positive male role model in their life, I was it.

1) SS1 was born when my W was 14. He has never met his father whom is incarcerated for shooting someone in the back during a robbery attempt. Obviously no support or in the picture whatsoever.
2) SS2 and SD father is also a deadbeat, has two other children by two other women whom he also provides no support. This dude left my W bankrupt after her 1st marriage.
3) I come along, pull this ridiculously broken home up by it's bootstraps, help my W out of bankrupcy, build a new house so for the first time in their lives these children don't have to share a room. This move ALSO allows my wife to get full custody of SS2 and SD for the first time. If it were not for my actions she would not have gotten full custody of her kids. She even made mention of this in her early conversations with the other man which is sickening.

So I knew going in that I would always be fourth on the totem pole, like what you were saying. This couldn't be more clear to me now.

As far as my train of thought is concerned, it's off the tracks at the moment. Based on her threat I am obviously going dark for now. She's still driving a car that I own and I hope that I don't get screwed in this regard. If the past behavior holds true she will reach out to me in the next couple of weeks after she cools down. You guys are right in that I am angry, my anger based on her statements on Tuesday is what put me in this situation, I should have taken a time out. I'm afraid there is just too much water under the bridge now to recover, she has been saying that for some time.

And the drama continues, hopefully Cheryl will have some constructive feedback during our call this afternoon. Thanks again for you guys feedback and good luck in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

So I got my marching orders from Cheryl yesterday, she was again very helpful and I highly reccomend speaking to a DB coach if you have the opportunity to do so, it is obvious I need all the help I can get. Her thought is that the Tuesday blowup isn't all that significant, but I need to maintain the proper path going forward. So there are two things that still tie between W and I at this point. 1) Her car which is totally in my name and 2) Some exercise equipment/miscellaneous items have stored in her garage.

Cheryl's suggestion was to immediately start making endroads to cut these ties to prove that I am moving on. And that is what I indeed doing, moving on, as that is the only way that I am going to be able to do what I need to do in regard to detaching.

So W and I had the following exchange:

Me: Subject: Retrieval of my possessions from your house. Would Saturday 3/17 work in this regard? <eom>

Her: Possibly. I may not be home that weekend. Next weekend would be better. March 10?

Oh, and if you're taking the TV, don't forget to bring the little one back (so I at least have something to watch, lol).

Me: I'm out of town next weekend. You don't need to be there if you will put the TV and remote in the garage and allow me access to it, I will leave the small TV in the garage.

Her: Yes I do need to be here. I'll let you know by 3/13 if I will be home on 3/17.

May be reading too much into it but she didn't do any LOL's after I mentioned I would be out of town, or perhaps she's pissed because I'm repoing their decent TV lol. And I absoulutely cannot wait it is going to be a long GAL weekend next weekend :-).

So for me it's the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs and two strikes. Unless she's flat out lying she is still dealing with the OM. As it stands right now going forward I am going to live my life as a single man who will be finalizing a divorce in August. I'll continue to work on me, and if she has some epiphany and starts reaching out to me we'll see what happens. Cheryl seems to be highly confident that this is going to happen given her history, I am not so sure. Only time will tell I guess, six months to simmer before I'm taking the pot of the stove by way of filing.

We'll see what happens. Good luck to all you DB's out there I wish you all the best!

[Broken74]

Man, I've been GAL all weekend yet my W and my ridiculous sitch continue to consume every idle cycle of my brain. I am trying not to love her anymore but it doesn't work. I try not to think about my stepkids but they are always on my mind. I used to drink to deal with these types of emotions, but I don't anymore. I go to church, I pray for help but the feelings never subside. I am doing everything I know to detach, but it's not helping. I have a lot to do at work tomorrow and I already know I will not be focused. I'm only six months into this, it would be awesome to know at what point I will stop feeling like this. I have GAL, and quite frankly without my W and my family in it, it isn't fun.

Just venting although that's not going to help either... At least when I come I hear I realize I am not the only one their special personal hell. I visited my folks yesterday and they continue to tell me to let it go, that she hasn't made any moves toward wanting to work anything out, in fact quite the opposite.

As much as I want to I haven't contacted her, I guess that is my positive for the day... lol God Bless you all

[Broken74]

Hey folks could use some feedback,

Have a tentative meeting with W this evening to pick up the LCD TV that have been letting her borrow since I moved from our marital home. She sent me an email confirming what time I will be by to pick it up. I haven't responded and don't want to for 180 purposes.

I think I am going to delay with a change of plans notification for a couple of reasons.
1) I don't really want to see or talk to her today
2) If I give it a couple more weeks perhaps her mood will improve somewhat.
3) This gives me an opportunity to share the fact I am going to be out of town the next two weekends as related to picking up the rest of my stuff, to hopefully get her gears turning as to what I'm doing.

But then again, if I do pick up the TV today it is a clear indicator that my coddling of her is coming to a close and I am moving on.

Any suggestions, what would you guys do, do it today or delay? I'm thinking delay would be the best bet, perhaps give her more time to work out the car financing details and take care of everything in one big swoop.

[Broken74]

And after another sleepless night I almost forgot... Read the six stages of the MLC and think beyond a shadow of a doubt my life is in the midst of an MLC. She has a plethora of issues from her childhood she has never addressed, is now a single mother of a 16, 11, and 7 year old, had plastic surgery in 2010, got involved with OM, everything lines up. She really seems like an MLC/WAS hybrid as she obviously was plotting her exit strategy for a little bit anyway.

So I am really 6 months into this battle and have been doing all the wrong things all this time. There are 6 months until a divorce petition can be filed. Although I am still an emotional wreck I know that I have no choice but to do the right things, and as per my discussions with DB coach Cheryl she thinks that eventually the tides will change given my W's history.

What do you guys think, is six months of doing the wrong things too much water under the bridge? Should I pick up the TV this evening as a stake in the ground or delay? My gut says to delay at this point, thanks again folks very rough night and rough day today :-(

[tested metal]

What do YOU want to do? If she is in MLC it isn't going to matter.

The big question is, how much is that TV worth to you? Odds are if you don't pick it up, she will sell it or claim possession.

When I moved out it was with the intention of borrowing those things to my W. Now she is claiming that they are her "personal posessions", which she is trying to exempt in court.

In the end it is up to you. Just ask yourself will you regret not having the TV? If the answer is yes then get it. You arre probably danged if you do and danged if you don't either way.

[Broken74]

Thanks tested,

It's not so much about the TV itself, as I have a number of other items in storage in her garage that I'll eventually need a truck to retrieve. The inherent issue is I wanted to use the retrieval of it and the other items as a symbol that I'm moving on without her. Maybe when they are watching a 14" TV instead of a 50" one I will cross her mind... But then again I don't know if it would be in a good way or in a bad way.

I'm not worried about her doing anything shady with the items at her house. She is still driving the BMW I got her for Christmas that is totally in my name and I could repo at any time (she is supposed to be financing it in her name this month).

I think I'm going to delay this interaction for a little bit because just don't feel like it's going to go well if I do it today...

Thanks for your feedback!

[adinva]

Really? You think there's a possibility when she squints to see the tiny tv that she might think fondly of you because she had a big tv with you?

You are overthinking this. Go with your gut. Don't use it as a symbol or a strategy.

It sounds like you should delay it so you have more time to prepare yourself to detach and act "as if" with her.