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#2224545 - 02/23/12 08:18 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
ben11 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/15/12
Posts: 112
Broken,

Just here to say I'm rooting for ya and to give you some encouragement to stay the course. Asking the W if she's dating or not shouldn't have any relevance regardless of how 'fair' it is. Take this time to keep doing what you're doing. Unless you truly 'done' by finding out she's dating, there's no point knowing. It wont accomplish anything and will just make your head go into overdrive.

My W has recently told me she still talks to guy from EA once in a while and that really bugged me and I brought it up a few times. Nothing's changed, and me mentioning it doesn't make her want me back any more. Just be the man that she wouldn't dream of losing over the guy she may, or may not, be dating.
_________________________
M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM

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#2224642 - 02/24/12 09:36 AM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: ben11]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Thanks Ben,

You're right man. It's like most things on here, I understand the concept, logic, and psychology behind everything, but being able to put it into practice is a different story. Then there's also the case if I did ask about it she could just lie anyway... lol

Two weeks into this going dark iteration and just had one business conversation and that's it. Busy GAL weekend ahead going to do my best not to have her cross my mind. On the off chance she contacts me (unlikely) think I'm going to hold off to respond until Monday just to get her gears turning...

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's and have a great weekend!!! :-)
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2225373 - 02/27/12 10:57 AM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Hope everybody had a good weekend!

So I had a wonderful GAL weekend, kept myself busy and for the most part kept her and my sitch off of my mind.

Then today, get the random text from her...

"Did you make a snowman on your birthday?"

WTH kind of mental mindgame/warfare is that? I am starting to be convinced that she is literally just screwing with me because she knows she can. She doesn't have the decency to wish me a happy birthday but then comes with that BS question a week after the fact???

I waited an hour and then replied "I did!" and attached a funny picture of a snowman with a sign that said "I'll be dead soon" and a lol. This is the type of thing that she would have historically thought was hilarious... Just a stupid goofy joke...

Her reply "That's terrible"

I said, "It's a silly joke! Goodness lol" Then mentioned that I spent my birthday going to church, working out, and reading which I did, and asked if they had built a snowman. Then mentioned a large assignement/high visibility project I got assigned at work which is a good thing.

So I had been off the roller coaster for two weeks, and now I just got shoved to the front of the line again. And now I am questioning myself, why do I continue to do this when this person is not even any fun to talk to anymore. It's like she's possessed by another being.

Frustrating, hope you guys are having better luck than I am on this Monday. I was ready to get stuff done and then I have to deal with this crap... grrrr
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2225724 - 02/28/12 12:09 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Good grief man I need to learn how to throttle... Every time she starts reaching out to me I go over the top. This exercise has certainly proven to me that I am nowhere close to detached because I am all spun up. I was fine for almost two weeks until she contacted me yesterday with such an emotionally charged out of the blue question...

So we end up texting off and on yesterday, and then I can't leave well enough alone, so I text her good day wishes this morning and ask if she had lunch plans. Luckily she's in training all day, in my malfunctioning brain I was going to ask her out to lunch and drive an hour one way to see her. Holy Backsliding Batman, what is my problem?

As soon as she contacts me the 37 steps go out the window. I kept my cool yesterday but then today I lost it. Man I do not see how you folks whom have dealing with this for a year or more have been able to do it.

Had an IC appt yesterday which was helpful to vent. Not a lot of helpful advice though, best being that I have to make a decision for what I want. It is so incredibly frustrating to know what I want but to have no control over it. I am rebooting the LRT as when done properly it obviously works. 2/14 she swore she didn't walk to me anymore and less than 2 weeks later she is reaching out to me. I guess I can take this as a positive.

I am the only person that is in the corner of our M. My family and friends are all strongly advising me to let it go and move on. A very trusted friend even using the rattlesnake example, that if I pick it up again don't be surprised when I get bit. That is really something I need to continue to think about.

It would be so much easier to just let go and start fresh, and my logical brain knows this is the case. My heart will simply not let this happen though.

Just another in limbo, good luck to you all in your respective sitch's.
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2225735 - 02/28/12 12:50 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
Oneeleven Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 301
Originally Posted By: Broken74
Good grief man I need to learn how to throttle... Every time she starts reaching out to me I go over the top. This exercise has certainly proven to me that I am nowhere close to detached because I am all spun up. I was fine for almost two weeks until she contacted me yesterday with such an emotionally charged out of the blue question...

So we end up texting off and on yesterday, and then I can't leave well enough alone, so I text her good day wishes this morning and ask if she had lunch plans. Luckily she's in training all day, in my malfunctioning brain I was going to ask her out to lunch and drive an hour one way to see her. Holy Backsliding Batman, what is my problem?

As soon as she contacts me the 37 steps go out the window. I kept my cool yesterday but then today I lost it. Man I do not see how you folks whom have dealing with this for a year or more have been able to do it.

I hate to point this out, but it needs to be said. You didn't really keep your cool yesterday at all. You (IMO) offered up WAY too much info in your text convo. I would have *maybe* sent the joke response, and no more.

Had an IC appt yesterday which was helpful to vent. Not a lot of helpful advice though, best being that I have to make a decision for what I want. It is so incredibly frustrating to know what I want but to have no control over it. I am rebooting the LRT as when done properly it obviously works. 2/14 she swore she didn't walk to me anymore and less than 2 weeks later she is reaching out to me. I guess I can take this as a positive.

I am the only person that is in the corner of our M. My family and friends are all strongly advising me to let it go and move on. A very trusted friend even using the rattlesnake example, that if I pick it up again don't be surprised when I get bit. That is really something I need to continue to think about.

It would be so much easier to just let go and start fresh, and my logical brain knows this is the case. My heart will simply not let this happen though.

Just another in limbo, good luck to you all in your respective sitch's.


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#2225789 - 02/28/12 02:55 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Oneeleven]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Thanks 111, you're right. I really need to work on keeping my composure when she reaches out. Given the fact we are the 6 month post separation mark I still don't believe that things are at this point. Maybe my strategy should just to be answer anything she sends with extremely short responses and yes/no's when possible. Given that we don't spend any time together, I don't see how doing that is going to allow her to see any changes in me at all. I think I'm pretty close to the tipping point of saying the heck with it, and maybe that's what I need to do, just stop dealing with her period and if she decides she wants to build some type of R with me then cross that bridge if it comes up, otherwise plan to be Divorced in August. I'm trying to have patience but it is what it is at this point.
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2226084 - 02/29/12 01:22 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
Yasu Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 144
Broken,
I just got finished reading all the updates. You have come so far. Before you were really spinning, NOW, you seem very centered. You are doing extremely well applying the techniques, and getting results!

Now, your sense of morbid humor is not unlike mine. I think the snowman joke was a total hoot! But some people just don't ride like that. Your wife might be one of those people.

Congratulations on all your progress. That conference really seemed to help you too. I am at at a point where I may do the same, then I will know I tried every option available. Best to you and all your other posters, Yas
_________________________
Married 27 Years
Together 32 Years
4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08
Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012

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#2226103 - 02/29/12 02:20 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Yasu]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Hmmm not so fast Yas, lol. I was making some strides, but as I always do I had a classic blowup yesterday. We ended up texting throughout the day and then we ended up speaking about issues related to the car. This turned into general conversation, at which point we started talking vacations, and she alluded to going to CA with the OM. I should have certainly taken a timeout at this point, but alas I did not. The conversation ended up spiraling out of control to the point she started saying she was engaging with OM months before the one I found out. She also mentioned how the OM is carrying a concealed weapon blah blah blah because I called them out on their BS. Basically at this point this flipped the trigger for me and I decided that is my breaking point. She did make some valid points in that I had framed my life without kids for a reason and we were just too different blah blah blah. I said now that all the cards were on the table did she have anything else to tell me and she said no. I then started down the road in that did she think that anything that was done related to the property settlement was fair or right at all and she said it was. Based on this ordeal for the last 6 months, coupled with her continued ridiculous behavior, and the fact that she can never be trusted again, I am done, and will be filing the Divorce in August. I don't see that there is any way to recover my sitch, and at this point I don't want to. Her parting shot via text after hanging up was "Do not call me or text me again or I will immediately take out a restraining order. Leave me alone". Guess I won't apply the believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do in this case.

I guess I am writing this out in the hopes that it helps somebody else one day. Once I decided I'd had enough, this was our final text exchange:

"I love you, SS, SS, and SD with all of my heart, but I can't continue to live like this when you can't show me an ounce of care. In spite of my problems I supported you in the best way I knew how. If you would have been supportive of me we wouldn't be here either. We both failed in our marriage, but make no mistake I was always faithful to you. You are a special woman but trust me in that there are other women who are also very special. I have changed but you unfortunately refus to see that. I am truly sorry for ever hurting you and I wish you nothing but happiness in life. Goodbye"

"Whatever. I'm not discussing who's at fault. It doesn't matter. Don't act like you are all about us. You make it sound like your life has been so lonely, but I think screwing a 22 year old is that bad of a life".

"I don't know where you keep getting that from, but you're wrong. I have done everything in my power for the last six months, at times incorrectly, to help "us". The realization I've came to is unfortunately I can't do it all by myself. And I have no desire to "screw" anybody. I want the life partner I vowed to spend my life with IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD. I wish you felt the same way. Maybe the vows were "for better or until things get tough and I choose to bail out" and I misunderstood them. You're not a quitter, or at least I never thought you were. I only wish you could muster the guts for your marriage at 30 that you did for SS at 14 (she birthed him at age 14). I promise you would reap similar rewards"

"What happened when SS was 14?"

"When you were 14, you chose not to quit on him. I wish you would do the same now and quit on me and us."

We spoke again by phone and she mentioned me choosing her as a "trophy wife" and I stated if I was wanting a trophy wife I would have married somebody else being honest, and she hung up.

"If I wanted a trophy wife does it not make sense I would have chose one without kids? You never gave me a change to become a stepfather. Read some books on the matter, I have. And ask your son who he called the last time he had a crisis. But in your state of mind obviously that won't make a damn to you. I am a good man, and a great husband now that I have resolved my significant issues. You know what kind of man I am, how sincere my heart is, and the man I am capable of being. I have done everything in my power to right every wrong I've done to you. If you choose to keep your heart cold to me you will never know how our story should have ended. Please stop forgetting about our good times, they far outweighed the bad. I Love You."

Then we spoke again and things spiraled further south when were playing the blame game. I ended up making a statment that maybe she could have supported me with my problem if she could have kept her *#$$* in her pants, and she hung up.

Then get the "Do not call me or text me again or I will immediately take out a restraining order. Leave me alone".

So I guess I'm going dark!!! lol

Given everything that has happened I don't think she can ever be trusted again. Ask me this in a months time and maybe that will change. For now I have no choice but to totally detach. She will have to contact me regarding the car which should should be purchasing this month unless she tries to do something stupid. I am full bore moving on with my life as of now, if she has some change of heart which I sincerely doubt, will see how I feel at that point.

So long story short, IF YOU READ MY SITCH DON'T BE LIKE ME. I regret the things that happened yesterday, but I am glad that I found out what I did. The woman I married truly has no conscious, either she did and she lost it, or it was just a front all along.

I take ownership for my part in the failure of the marriage. It is what it is, I am moving on in being the best me that I can be.

I want to thank you all for your opinions and kind words of support on this board, they have helped me time and time again. I am going to have to dissapear for now though as coming here certainly brings all of the ill feelings that go along the last 6 months of living hell which has been my life. I will be praying for all of you and hope you have more success than me.

I think it all boils down to we/I made a mistake. I had framed my life to be child free, yet I married a woman with 3 kids by 2 different men. She mentioned that when the other women were involved while we were dating that "she had to win", and that she glossed over our differences as we moved forward.

The divorce can't be filed until end of August, so that's six months of limbo... But as far as my opinion today, it's a wrap.

God bless and Good Luck to you all.
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2226175 - 02/29/12 05:21 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Man, I am hurting here guys. Any feedback is greatly appreciated, I am talking with Cheryl tomorrow at 5pm to try and sort things out.

P.S. Dude your situation is so incredibly whacked out I agree you should cut bait and run for the hills is perfectly acceptable feedback.

Despite everything I still love this woman and my family, the things she says and her actions give me absolutely no hope whatsoever. I didn't threaten her in any way and never have yet she brings up the restraining order crap again. Granted I made a jerk statement in anger re: her infidelity it didn't deserve that response. She wasn't screaming about a restraining order when I bought her a BMW for Christmas...

I'm asking for honest opionions of anyone who was reviewed a bit of my sitch. Given the same situation would you keep trying or say to heck with it?
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2226178 - 02/29/12 05:39 PM Re: Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT [Re: Broken74]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
This is a quote from Purg's grandmother:
"the fire won't get bigger unless you give it air... So shut your mouth!"

You've dug yourself quite a hole.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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