Learning as I go

[TSquared2]

That is good insight^^^^^^. Same with me, both growing up and in my sitch.

[tested metal]

I think you hit the nail on the head KML. I never demanded my needs be met in the relationship. Maybe she didn't feel wanted or needed because of it.

I am sure it added to the lack of respect I received from her then and now.

I did start asking her to be home by 2 am when she went out, because I wanted to spend some time with her.

Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way.

I am realizing that my fear of ever losing her led me to be very passive in the relationship, which I perceived it as being laid back and easy. But it was rooted in fear and because of that I did not assert myself until it was too late.

Maybe that is a sign that the relationship was not a good one in the first place, or that I didn't think it was good relationship at the time. Definately some codependency there.

I guess my point is that I lived in fear and because of that I was not honest with her. Not honest enough to share my feelings about how her actions would affect me or honest about how I would like my needs met. That was not fair to her because I was holding back for fear of being rejected and also fear of looking like a jerk. That was not showing the true me.

So now I need to GAL, detach, and if the time comes when I have the opportunity to reconnect I will make sure not to make that same mistake again.

[kml]

I am realizing that my fear of ever losing her led me to be very passive in the relationship, which I perceived it as being laid back and easy.

Oh yeah, that was me. Because of infidelity on his part early in our marriage, I was always under a little cloud even when our marriage was very good. I'm pretty easy-going anyway, and he was very high-maintenance, so I it was easy for me to just go along, justifying that whatever it was mattered more to him than to me anyway, so why not go along?

But I can see now that there was also a tiny undercurrent of fear of loss, that probably kept me from asserting my needs as much as I should have. And in the end, he didn't respect me for that.

[Rick1963]

Tested good move on accepting the new job. I hear you. I have been feeling like working closer to home and looking for something else. But work is the only stable part of my life and would be afraid to leave also. Congrats buddy!!!

[tested metal]

Well good new and bad new today.

The good news is that when they announced my leaving work to staff and ref feral contacts there was a huge reaction that was almost overwhelming. They did not only talk about what I good job I have done but spoke more on the kind of person I am.

That was kind of needed right now.

The bad news. I just came home to find that W filed, which is why she needed my info. about birthplace, etc.

I will see a L right away Monday and get one retained by hook or by crook.

W decided to use OM's lawyer for filing so I am pretty sure he is also pushing this.

It will be interesting to see her reaction tomorrow when she sees me, because I will not say a word about it.

[tested metal]

I need some feedback regarding this whole divorce process and my wants.

W filed and want full custody of D. She claims that then she will share 50/50 custody and child support. In this state 90/10 custody is the only accepted legal terms and then parents can work it out otherwise.

The problem is I don't trust my W. I want full custody and would share 50/50 and child support. The difference is I know that I will give her her half of child support back. I am pretty sure she won't.

Is this reasonable? Does this sound controlling? I want to be fair. I also want what is best for my interests but overall what is best for D's interest.

If W gets full custody and does not pay back 1/2 of child support, I might as well give up my 50/50 that she offers because i will not be able to afford it and will not have time to be with D because I will have to work more to pay child support.

Then she will use that against me saying that I must not care about D, because I won't spend time with her. She is that passive aggressive.

Any thoughts? I just want to protect myself and need advice from the experienced people.

Thanks!

[kml]

You need legal advice - that's a weird state (90/10 only? Really??).

Don't borrow trouble, wait until you hear from the lawyer's mouth what to do.

Oh - and if there is a father's rights group in your area. try contacting them.

[tested metal]

The father's rights group is headed by a real nut bag, who is in the paper everyday for legal trouble. Trust me, no help will come from that. Apparently the state went to strictly 90/10 because they figured permanency was in the best interest of the child. But like I said, the to parties can agree on the side to split 50/50, but their is no legal binding to that so, if the primary caregiver decides to reneg, there is nothing the other can do about it, except refile for custody.

I got that info from the lawyer we saw regarding a stipulated divorce. Granted W sought out this lawyer so I wonder if he was giving me the straight dope.

I will ask L on monday. I am already getting all phone records, pictures, text messages, and journal prepared. According to the state law, custody is based on 19 different qualifications and I have proof that I have met all 19 and W has seriously compromised 5 of them. I don't want to pull that out if I don't have to, but I am prepared.

[tested metal]

W just picked up D for the day and I did everything in my power to keep from crying. W was very nice and asking about D's cold.

i am not attracted to W anymore and think that I want to cry just because I am getting divorced and what it is going to do to D. I am also afraid that this is going to financially ruin me and I am grieving the life I could have had with D and a little bit with W.

I am detaching but it is a lengthy process. i know I am making steps though they are small.

I am pretty sure now that this is for the best and I don't see any way of W ever coming back to me or out of MLC/whatevertheheckisherproblem.

I am moving on. I will have a new job, new apartment, and after that, basically a new life. It is time to reboot.

Another chapter in my life is ending, but a new one is beginning. I am pretty excited, but still scared for the future. I will make it through it though.

[WenikiTiki]

Hang in there! I know you will make it!