deployment to divorce 1

[31nheartbroken]

I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. using your anger as a sword, hurting him.

Not neccesarily using my anger as a sword or to even hurt him. I just want him to understand that he isn't getting away with anything, that I know, and that I have still been pretty calm and helpful. I guess I am hoping that it will show him that I am willing to forgive him, if he ever wants to reconcile. Also, maybe make him see that I am "attempting" to move on and that it doesn't effect me the way he would expect. I'm sure he will be expecting me to cry, scream, beg, plead, and I am just not gonna do it.

-and-

Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.


and then there's this:
OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy.

How will these things help you? your children?

This one is more for leverage when it comes to him backing away from her and getting alimony in the event of going through with D. I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her. I'm not saying it will make him come back and I'm not expecting him to (would be nice if he would start to think about me more, see that I am being supportive, and maybe start to miss me), but I want her out of the picture. If he finds someone else then so be it, but she was the one who overlapped with H and my M. As far as helping the kids, I feel like she is a big catalyst that is effecting the amount of time he wants to spend with his kids. If she is out of the picture and he still doesn't come around as much, then it is totally his fault.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do any of these things but just think about the long-term ramifications, not for him so much as for you.

I have constanly been thinking about the ramifications. Initially, I was so angry that I wanted to turn him in right away and I wanted the whole world to know he is a cheater. After a few days I quickly realized that if I ever wanted to stay friends with him and even try to reconcile with him in the future, it wasn't in my best interest to something so extreme. I know in my heart that I wouldn't want to cause that much damage to him or between us, I just want him to think I might would do something like that. Who knows, maybe someday I will get to tell him that I never planned on turning it in because I didn't want to hurt him or our relationship. Definately NOT gonna threaten him with it I don't want to put that wedge between us either, it will just be in his own thoughts about whether or not I would turn him in.

[labug]

I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her.

Do you think he hasn't thought about this?

And the last part, is that who you want to be going forward?

as 25 says: Keep the road home paved and smooth, and I I don't think that includes being a doormat. But rather allowing them to travel their path and make their mistakes and suffer whatever consequences life holds for them.

Holding the sword of Damocles over his head is a major control device, don't you think?

[31nheartbroken]

I don't think I would ever turn him in to the Navy because I don't want to ruin his career or cause him to lose money which would adversely effect the kids and I. I just want him to think that it is a possibility and he values his career greatly and I am not so sure he would want to jeopardize it by continuing to see her.

Do you think he hasn't thought about this?

^^^^^^^^^
I think that he thought about this while on deployment, but I think that since he's come home, he thinks he is free and clear of the Navy finding out.

And the last part, is that who you want to be going forward?

^^^^^^^^^
He has never ever been the type of person to jeopardize his career like this. He has seen many, many people make this same mistake and always talked about how stupid they were and how ridiculous it was. Until the aliens, or whoever, took control of him, he has always been pretty honest, reliable, and had great morals and values. If there is a chance that person will come back then I am more than willing to move forward with him.

as 25 says: Keep the road home paved and smooth, and I I don't think that includes being a doormat. But rather allowing them to travel their path and make their mistakes and suffer whatever consequences life holds for them.

Wouldn't I be a doormat if I continue to allow him to think that he has pulled the wool over my eyes?

Holding the sword of Damocles over his head is a major control device, don't you think?

How do I be honest with him about what I know, be true to myself, and not have it be a control device? Do I just be honest with him and tell him, but expect no particular outcome? Do I just approach him and say, hey I know you haven't been completely honest with me, is there something you want to tell me? Then if he doesn't tell just leave it at that and tell him nothing of what I know?

This is all very new to me, this other person thing. All that I used to know about him, he was never the type to do this! It's all just so confusing. I don't know anymore if it's MLC, I think it is because that's the only explanation I have for him making such poor choices these days!!

[31nheartbroken]

So, I hopped over to the infidelity board to take a peek. Maybe it's not MLC and he is just totally wrapped up in this relationship with OW. I guess there is no real rush to tell him I know and from what I read DB says "no confronting"! I guess I just continue to be patient and wait it out! I have all the proof I need, but I am not willing to share that with him yet, so I guess there is no point. He will just claim that they are nothing but accusations anyway.

I will continue DBing, GAL, etc and wait it out!!

We have about 10 months worth of time to wait!

I got a call for an interview on Friday. Maybe I will get the job! I will be so proud of myself if I do and I think H will probably be proud of me too, not expecting him to say it, but maybe he'll at least feel it!! I think he thinks I have been dragging my feet and trying NOT to get a job. Maybe this will be one more notch in the belt of becoming the woman he'd be a fool to leave!!

*keeping my house pretty spotless at all times (loving the way this makes ME feel)
*hopefully having a job soon (this one has great benefits too)
*looking gorgeous at all times
*taking care of two kids, pretty much alone
*staying positive and happy most of the time
*finishing what I start

[labug]

I think you are doing amazing things for this early after the Bomb. I was a wreck for months.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. I just know that to get out of this a better person, I need to examine and be very aware of my motives.

Best of luck with the job.

[MrBond]

"I just want him to be forced to think about the magnitude of his poor decision.

"Really just hoping, once he knows that I know, he will be more likely to start backing away from her."

"Where I am not threatening anything,"

Re-read your quotes above. You are threatening him in a way. You are EXPECTING him to be a certain way to you. You WANT him to see he's doing wrong. You need to stop this type of thinking. It's pursuing.

No one can MAKE another person see something they don't want to. You have to let that part go. Find out what your rights are and protect yourself first legally.

If you really feel the need to tell him that you know, then I would tell him in a very straightforward, matter of fact manner. You don't have to tell him what you're going to do with the info. Hold your cards tight.

[31nheartbroken]

Mr Bond:
You are very right about my expectations of telling him! I was hoping that it would make him open his eyes, but nothing will MAKE him open his eyes until he's ready. I lost sight of that through all of the emotions and need for something to happen.

I realized I need to refocus on myself and my DBing, GAL, PMA, kids, etc. I also needed to remind myself NOT to do anything with the hope that he will NOTICE, only do it because I want to and it will make ME happy!!

I have decided to wait to tell him unless the appropriate opportunity presents itself, such as him initiating R talk because I would also want to tell him that I have thought long and hard about it and that it is something that I can forgive him for. I definately would not tell him what I plan to do with this info just that I know about OW. I also don't intend to share any of my proof about OW.

[31nheartbroken]

I never know what H's motives are, but then again I guess I will NEVER know!!

He texted yesterday asking about some money I spent, wanting to know what it was for and said he needed tires. I told him what the money was, groceries, and asked if the tires could wait til next payday. He said nope they were already done and said he'd be gettin the extra money soon. After a few minutes he said that was a lot for groceries (remember his head's been up his a$$ for the last year) I said no, that was typical depending on what staples we're out of. A few minutes later he asked if I got in touch with my girlfriend about our taxes, I said not yet.

Here's the part I'm not sure of:

About 10 minutes later he says, the guy at pep boys said I needed 4 tires, brakes, and alignment, but that he only got 2 tires. I said ok on the next payday get the other 2 and all the other stuff. He said that or space it out a few paydays. I said it should be fine if you wanna get it done and outta the way. He says no, I'll figure it out. So, I just said ok, whatever you decide.

Have no idea why he wanted to tell me that, another excuse to talk, didn't fuss at me like it was my fault. Hmmmmm just don't know!!

[labug]

Your best bet is to quit trying to figure out his motives or why he says things and live your life.

That's what really detaching is.

Have you thought of coming up with a financial agreement so you don't have to have these money talks over and over? It would take a lot of stress off you.

[31nheartbroken]

I know I gotta quit thinking about his motives. I know it does no good. Part of me, although it's not DB to think about, just hopes that maybe it's because he misses talking to me.

I guess I'm just wondering if they could be viewed as baby steps or steps in the right direction. I guess they could because, the truck tire talk for instance, has nothing to do with D and for the last month the only thing he has talked to me about has been D.

I'm sure we will do a financial agreement when he realizes we have to file in NC. The finance talk really doesn't stress me out and to be honest with you it feels like baby steps too because he has been communicating a little more about the money and the whole time he was in FL he didn't talk about any of that with me. Just did what he wanted and didn't care to share any of his spending.

I feel like he is trying to be a tiny bit more open with me here lately.