Last night I had a dream of beating up the OM, but none of my punches would land or land to effect. I felt really weak in the dream. I then woke up and my heart was pounding pretty hard and I had shortness of breath, almost like a panic attack. I would calm down, then find myself fantasizing about putting my size 13 in the OM's a$$.
I guess I am angrier then I realize. I am trying to harness the anger for good, such as when I work out. I have been using the stop sign visualization when I think of W or OM, but it keeps coming back. I have been working on forgiving W and OM and thought I was getting there, but it seems like the anger is just getting stuffed instead.
Anyway, I realized that I have had dreams like this for the last 13 yrs. where I am trying to beat up someone, just rage-like, but feel really weak and not effective at beating them up.
I also realized that my Mom's car accident which eventually led to her death 11 yrs. later happened about when these dreams started happening.
Now, I am not a violent guy. I am about the meekest guy you would ever meet. I have forgiven the guy who was in the accident and haven't really looked back at it.
But these dreams involve family members, such as father and brother, whom I really don't have any problem with. Heck, I might only talk to them once a month and we are all very friendly. So I am guessing that the dream is representing something else.
But the OM? I believe that is about him.
I know that the A is just a symptom and will probably end sometime, especially in this sitch. I think what really bothered/s me is that W an OM went to my place of work, where people that I know work there, and flaunted their A and then put it on their facebook profile.
And she claims that she is not a "heartless Bi@^%" (her words, not mine).
I am working on detatching and have made great strides. I am GALing and will have my own apt. within 2 months.
But this dream triggered me and I hate that. I hate that I let this guy get into my head and ruin a good nights sleep.
Thanks for listening to this rant.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
Maybe you are angrier than you realized. If you think the anger is being stuffed, then it may be. What can you do about that? That you're using it for workouts is great, what else would help you dissolve it do you think (besides time)?
Sorry, but I had to laugh at her saying she isn't a "heartless B". Wow, really? So she excuses her showing up with him at your work as....?
Dreams are interesting things. I've always believed them to be a shadow of something real.
So today I got offered a nice state job with great genes, which would have been a $900 a month raise for me because the health insurance was all paid for.
I turned it down. Why? Because I was scared of leaving my current work, even though I need the money badly. Wow. I have a problem. I wonder how long I have hated myself, because I certainly seem to be punishing myself with making poor decisions.
I called the employer back as soon as I had my wits about me, which was 15 min. later. I got the answering machine so I left a message. They probably gave the job to someone else already. I hope she is just busy and will call back tomorrow.
Otherwise I am back to scanning the state jobs website again.
Sigh....
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I had horrible dreams last night. One of the sweet old gals from quilt guild brought these horrible scary cartoon like dolls she made for show and tell. They were in my dreams.
I hate that!
I hope you end up with the job.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
They called me back and I got the job!!! This is really bittersweet as I love the people I currently work with and the organization as a whole, but I need to have better financial security. It was the hardest decision I have had to make, but I think it will be for the best in the end.
Less work, more money, and more protection for me.
So things are looking up on that front. I feel the financial noose around my neck getting a lot looser.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I have been watching your thread. We all need to learn things in life. Why not learn about the most important thing in life? I want you to think about some things. You turned down a job that you regretted after the fact. You did get the job and Congratulations on that! Do you think maybe being in the sitch you are in could be the real reason? Scared to make any life changing decisions? What is it that everyone on here talks about? Facing your fears, maybe? Could this all be controlling you as a man? Worried about what she might think? Why let her control anything about you now? Look inside my man and you will start seeing things differently. Why does any of this have to do with OM? Is he really the problem? I look at it like this. He is an old man chasing a young woman. Can you say two MLC’ers acting like teenagers? This has got train wreck hammered in stone all over the whole A. Do you have any idea what two MLC’ers could possibly dream up and tell each other? You are an intelligent man and you need to think about what is most important in life. Do you really think a relationship based on lies and craziness is a great relationship? Let this run its course and remove the most important piece. You!
Don’t let this make you as a man. Step up and do what’s best for you and your D. I have been the man that you are now and when you finally see this in a different prospective, you become the man. She still thinks she wants out, so why not turn it around and drop her lovingly? It helped me detach and detaching yourself from the drama is the only way to get out of this fog. When you love someone set them free. That anger will ease with time and you are the one that needs to let it all out. Hit that gym hard and release those frustrations. You need to take the time and think things through. When you finally take back control of yourself you are going to see things much differently.
You are starting a great journey and soon you are going to be proud of the man you see looking back in the mirror.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Thanks for the post. I realized last night that my fear was controlling me and that there are a lot of parrallels between my current sitch and the job offer fiasco.
I KNOW that the A is a train wreck, but somehow I BELIEVE that they are whooping it up and that I am left in the dust. I now know that this belief is rooted in fear. Fear of not having her back. I am now working on this. Taking the new job is a first step. I am not moving anywhere, the job is in town.
This is the first thing I am doing for ME. I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. How sad is that?
When I announced to my bros and father about the job, I don't think I ever received so much praise and genuine happiness from them in my life.
They all said the same thing you did, Seminole. They congratulated me on finally doing something for me, that would benefit me, and that would greatly help out to my quality of life.
I have been detaching little by little. There are days I don't even think about W or OM. But then there are days that I have the nightmares or the sleepless nights between 2am and 5 am. I am trying to work through it.
The next big step for me is getting my own apartment. I am actually looking forward to it. I definately can get a decent place now and still have money to save.
Well, time to hit the gym again!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents.
I hear you on that...my sitch is really bringing that front and center for me to work on.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents.
Well - the first step is recognizing these patterns in ourselves. And the next step if figuring out how it gets us into trouble in our relationships.
How do you think this tendency affected your relationship?
I know a pattern in my childhood (a father who was loving but absent a lot)has caused me as an adult to be more tolerant than I really should be of absences or lack of communication on the part of my partner. I still apply that childhood sense of "oh, that's fine that he's gone, he'll be back like dad" even when the behaviors of my partners are not really that appropriate. Something I need to work on is demanding to have more of MY needs met in a relationship.
