deployment to divorce 1

[31nheartbroken]

Just before I got 100% confirmation of OW I felt ready to take my wedding ring off, but over the last few days I have been missing it. I felt like today I needed it back on. No matter where he is at in his own head, I am still married to him and I take my vows seriously. Still completely devoted to him and wanting our M!!

Like others on here say and I have said a few times myself "it's not over til I say it is!"

Thought I was DONE, but not by a long shot!!

[31nheartbroken]

After dropping my D4 off at preschool I came home to do some things around the house. While in the extra bedroom, I started pulling some things out of the bookshelf to reorganize and pulled out some of H Navy awards. As I pulled them out, out fell a few papers, a note that he had written to me during his first deployment after we were back together (almost 15 years ago, HOLY COW, I just realized we have been together more like 17 years total).

As I started reading it the tears started to fall!! He talked about how worried he was that, while he was gone, my feelings for him would start to fade (by now I was sobbing) and that I would find someone else. I feel like this is exactly what has happened to us!!! I don't know why I had to find the letter now, today!

I guess it's one more of those little signs from god, just not quiet sure of what to do with this one yet!!

[31nheartbroken]

Suggestions please:

1. We have been waiting on some tax related papers to come in the mail. Should I call H to tell him they are here or just wait for him to ask about them?

I'm gonna think I should wait!! I've only had about 2 or 3 initiations on my end!!

2. When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity. Not gonna scream, yell, cry or degrade. Just planning to say in a very matter of fact and calm way "I know about (name of OW), I know you were seeing her in A, and I know it's fraternization". when he argues or lies and says it's not true I'm just gonna say "I have all of the proof I need and I have known about it for a few weeks now"

Should I also tell him that I am deciding what to do with this information?

[31nheartbroken]

I am feeling sad again. Trying to keep PMA, but I guess it's just one of those days and I am running through the mill of emotions again after realizing I still want my M. Don't neccesarily feel like I'm back at square one I just feel lonely and a little impatient (just wanting more to happen).

I don't want to feel impatient I now know that I have lots of time and patience is a virtue. I usually do very well with patience, but I guess I'm feeling a little bored in my life right now. Too much limbo today!!

*paralegal still hasn't gotten back in touch with me (still in sep limbo)
*lady about volunteering hasn't returned my call

UGH!!! Maybe tomorrow will be better!

Think I'm gonna read more DB, DR, and I have a new novel to read. Maybe that will occupy my time some! If the weather holds up on Thu (supposed to be upper 70's and partly cloudy) I think I will weed my flower beds. Can you believe that weeding flower beds in Feb in NC? None of the weeds ever totally died off this year and my lilies are already growing. Crazy weather!!

[purgatory]

So sorry you're having a down day it looks like you've posted a ton today...

IF you feel the need to confront him about the OW (and I totally get that) I think what you plan to say sounds fine- as long as you don't engage him when he gets defensive or even tries to turn it around on you for 'snooping' or saying that you made him feel the need to go find someone else. As long as you can maintain your cool- then it should be safe to talk to him.

But if there's a chance that you'll get angry and try to keep the conversation going hoping that you'll get an apology or an expression of guilt- don't tell him.

I'm sure you're frustrated about not hearing back from the legal people- they never seem to run on our timeline.

If you need a job, I've got an opening in my preschool! It's on Centerville, near Great Bridge.... Only about 10 minutes from the NC border...just a thought

[31nheartbroken]

I know it will be hard to talk to him about it I just really want him to know that I know. I absolutely do not expect any apologies and don't even want any explanations. I will even tell him that. I just want him to be forced to think about the magnitude of his poor decision. Really just hoping, once he knows that I know, he will be more likely to start backing away from her. Especially if I were to say something like "I am deciding what to do with this information". Where I am not threatening anything, but make him think I could go to the Navy.

I am totally prepared for him to tell me I can't prove it and I am not gonna show him my evidence he'll just have to decide or think about whether or not I really do have enough evidence and if it's worth testing me.

Gonna try the legal lady again tomorrow. Just want to get her advice on letting the cat out of the bag first, whether or not it will impact the use of the info for alimony purposes I don't think it will but I wanna make sure before I tell him.

As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again. He has given me an ultimatum telling me that I have until the 2nd week in March to put stuff on paper or he's filing anyway. I guess when that time comes I will tell him he can't do it in FL. That's gonna make him mad when he finds out he has to wait until next Jan to file for D.

What are the hours at the preschool? My D4 goes to preschool here in town from 9am to 12pm, so unless I can get my girlfriend to help out, a full time job is hard. Looking to start in June for sure, when the kids are out of school.

[2chiquitos]

Hugs 31! I feel the same way about flip flopping. My thread is titled "I want to move on" but I haven't...
As for OW, that's a tough one. I remember when I confronted H about it he denied it. Not until I called OW and I heard it from her, then he couldn't lie.

[labug]

When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity.

What is your motive for doing this? I know what my motive would be. What is your expectation?

As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again.

Why do you need to tell him? He's a big boy, he'll find out and if he discovers it on his own he won't be able to blame you for it.

Have you thought about doing NC except for kid emergencies?

[31nheartbroken]

When the time comes for me to tell H I know about OW I am gonna wait for the next face to face opportunity.

What is your motive for doing this? I know what my motive would be. What is your expectation?

I just always feel like the important talks are much better to do face to face. I feel like text is way to impersonal and he can hang up in a phone call or interrupt. I just want to make sure he hears every word I say. I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. The only expectation I have is to let him know. I don't want anything in return, no apology, no explanation. His choice to be with this OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy. I feel like if I put it out there on the table and he realizes that he's not fooling anyone, but himself he might start to think about the impact his choice might have on his career. Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.

As far as letting him in on the fact that he can't file in FL, I think I will wait until he threatens to go ahead and file again.

Why do you need to tell him? He's a big boy, he'll find out and if he discovers it on his own he won't be able to blame you for it.

Have you thought about doing NC except for kid emergencies?

Lol!! I do like the idea of just letting him file ($450 to file), but I would probably have to contest his residency claim because I am afraid the judge would just push the paperwork through. I could be totally wrong and the judge might look at him and laugh and say, you can't file this D here, we have no jurisdiction. I just don't want to take that chance because FL has no waiting period/separation period before you can file.

As far as NC, it is a mix at this point, was very dark for a while and contact has increased over the last week. Sometimes full contact (meaning I will carry on a conversation via phone or text, but only if he initiates, generally about money, D, kids, etc.). Other times it is grey where I will only answer the questions, via text, that I want to and when I want to (this one used to make him mad, but now it forces him to pick up the phone and call me, PROGRESS). At this point, I still consider myself fairly dark just because I am not the one initiating ANY kind of contact, except once to say "nevermind don't come over this am" and another to say "money's there. have a good day".

Yesterday he called and texted about tax stuff and once those are filed I'm sure he won't contact me and if he doesn't then there will be NC.

As far as telling him anything about OW or filing in NC, I will not initiate those communications either. If and when I tell him it will be during a conversation he initiated unless it's a face to face.

[labug]

Whether you do it f2f or text doesn't matter. It seems you have 2 expectations:

I would also like to see the look on his face because he thinks he's actually getting away with something. using your anger as a sword, hurting him.
-and-
Hopefully, eventually, he will choose not to be with her anymore and maybe focus more on his time with his children.


and then there's this:
OW is considered fraternization and he can get in ALOT of trouble with the Navy.

How will these things help you? your children?

I'm not saying you shouldn't do any of these things but just think about the long-term ramifications, not for him so much as for you.