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#2220746 - 02/10/12 03:48 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Yes exactly, I don't want the old one back. If you have time read what I wrote this afternoon on Crazyville's thread on Newcomers. If you read my "new job" analogy, that's what I'm looking for.

MC agrees there may be nothing I can DO to FIX this, that's why he says to consider leaving it. He doesn't think "stay and suffer" is a good choice.

WRT your statement, she's proven that when the PAIN of staying is more than the PAIN of changing, she leaves.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2220898 - 02/11/12 02:14 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Accuray
Her "leaving" is at worst an ill conceived escape plan, at best a trick to get her way.

If she truly wanted to leave she would have done so already. Instead she values the comfort and FRIENDSHIP you provide. So she is back, but she is back on her terms.

She then says that her actions make you unhappy, and that makes her unhappy. So does she change her actions? No, she expects you to start being happy with them, so she can be happy too. Happy wives don't leave right?

I think your counselor is spot on, under the current circumstances she has no incentive to change. Furthermore she knows you will put up with a lot to keep her, so, she plays the leaving card to get you to back off.

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#2220909 - 02/11/12 05:17 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5138
Originally Posted By: Accuray
If you have time read what I wrote this afternoon on Crazyville's thread on Newcomers.


You may have read this before but LD/HD is a form of pursuit and distance,
which is also similar to what MWD writes about too in DB/DR.

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

The basics behind this article are in a great relationship book called
THE SOLO PARTNER, the last chapter provides the meat and potatoes of pursuit and distance.

I think you see this in what you describe about your parents.

All this is fine however my belief is that you did not break your marriage so you will not be able to FIX it either.

As far as INVESTing in your job/marriage.
Invest in YOU, then you are guaranteed to be happy.
You can CONTROL you and everything YOU do.
You can not CONTROL your W, so don't!

Let me restate, I am against DIVORCE.
But you must LET YOUR WIFE GO.
This is counterintuitive, but that is what DB is all about.

I am not sure STAY and SUFFER is a great choice but why must you leave to be happy.
What about stay and THRIVE?
Do you need her to make you HAPPY?
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2220922 - 02/11/12 08:12 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Thanks Cadet,

When we live together and have 3 kids, what does "let her go" look like?

My wife certainly has the capacity to remove the happiness that I'm able to attain, if I believe that my behavior is hurting her.

It's that removal of happiness that has been the issue, versus needing her to make me happy. That said, MC says that we are of course responsible for each others happiness to some degree in a marriage -- to suggest otherwise is a good philosophy but doesn't hold up in practice.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2220937 - 02/11/12 09:16 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5138
Originally Posted By: Accuray
When we live together and have 3 kids, what does "let her go" look like?

I am not in YOUR house so it is difficult for me to say, however I know that it can be done successfully and marriages can be restored.
Originally Posted By: Accuray

My wife certainly has the capacity to remove the happiness that I'm able to attain, if I believe that my behavior is hurting her.

Maybe it is walking away from these sichs and not letting her have the CONTROL to take away YOUR happiness.
Living together during this time is not easy, I am very aware of this.
I would say that DB'ing is esssential.
You have the tools it is a question of using them and patience.
EXTREME patience.

Is there anything that you can DO differently to give her more space?
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2221041 - 02/11/12 04:24 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
When I give her more space, she gets upset. I actually went for several weeks of not having sex or being physical beyond hugging -- I actually felt quite good during that period, while my W got increasingly upset about it. In the end she got really upset and said I was depriving her of the opportunity to make me happy.

When I give space, she thinks something is wrong and gets very anxious. I'm ready to give space, I've had thoughts of moving out lately.

On the other hand, I second guess myself. It's not like she's not trying at all -- she's not cold or unpleasant, she's just not engaged to the degree that I am and that bothers me.

I appreciate your help Cadet, my sitch is difficult but I realize could be much worse. When I give space she feels like I'm punishing her -- even if I'm happy and upbeat while doing so.

A lot of DB applies when you have a WAS -- I think the rules for piecing are different and there is no book for that. A sequel is called for.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2221144 - 02/12/12 03:35 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5138
Originally Posted By: Accuray
When I give her more space, she gets upset. I actually went for several weeks of not having sex or being physical beyond hugging -- I actually felt quite good during that period, while my W got increasingly upset about it. In the end she got really upset and said I was depriving her of the opportunity to make me happy.

Of course she gets upset because she then has lost CONTROL of YOU.
So her reaction is childish. Again I will refer you to the MLC resources and the pursuit and distance article.
You will continue to CYCLE in this manner until something breaks this.

Her reaction also tells me that she is depressed and a control person. You on the other hand are the opposite of her and let her control YOU.

Not really sure you are peicing at this point in time since she is not all in on that.

She will more than likely not recommit to your marriage at this point because she is still in crisis.
She does not want to lose CONTROL.

So my question is why? for both you and her?
Just think about that no words to her will help.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2221166 - 02/12/12 08:30 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Ditto Cadets comments

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#2221222 - 02/12/12 01:04 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: greenblue90]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Cadet,

I read the MLC resources you posted -- thanks for that. There is no ebook version of "The Solo Partner" so I ordered "The Passion Trap" which is supposed to have the same theme, but to be more gender neutral.

I started pulling back when I got home last night. I've already gotten 2 "is everything alright?" and one "is something wrong?" so far this morning, and it's only been 5 hours. So far I've just been deflecting those by talking about trivial stuff I'm working on / thinking about.

Originally Posted By: Cadet
She will more than likely not recommit to your marriage at this point because she is still in crisis.
She does not want to lose CONTROL.


She never really sought to control me, at one point she just wanted me gone.

Originally Posted By: Cadet
So my question is why? for both you and her?
Just think about that no words to her will help


You lost me there -- I don't know what the question is in reference too, and I don't understand your last sentence.

Thanks! Feels good to have something new to work on.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2221302 - 02/12/12 07:48 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Found another MLC resource on a separate MLC web forum. W definitely doesn't have what they are characterizing as "monster" behavior. I think I'm going to have to tread carefully here -- if I detach and "let her go" and she really is in piecing and not in crisis, then that could be a very bad move.

Some of what Cadet and these resources say seem to apply, but some do not. I'll see what the MC says tomorrow night and take is slow. I'll continue running the MAP, and will read these books cover to cover before I conclude anything.

I may have painted an inaccurate picture of W, or you guys are comparing her to someone you know and filling in the gaps inappropriately. She's not pulling away, she's not mean or controlling, she's not asking me to do anything, and she's willing to engage and seems to enjoy connecting. It's a matter of degree.

This could have as much to do with me healing from infidelity as W going through a continued MLC. If it's the former, and I try to treat the latter, that's not going to go well.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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