deployment to divorce 1

[purgatory]

Well, you handled some things great and other stuff not so great- but you already reflected on those, so no need for me to point them out.

I am totally on board with you about the range of emotions you've gone through, sometimes by the day and sometimes by the hour! I'm glad you're getting a L to give you advice and direct you where to go.

Question? What law says that you can sue the OW? Is that just b/c she's a subordinate? Or is a civil law? Just curious... I'm always interested in gathering info that might be helpful in the future

[RoRoinMD]

I agree with Purg. You recognize where you could have responded better. I don't know if I would have handled the $900 purchase even that good.

Purg - Just google wife sues mistress in NC. There have been numerous cases, including on with the singer Fantasia. I have actually been looking into this myself for a few weeks. I don't think H has even thought about this as a possibility.

[31nheartbroken]

So, I am totally sucked back in to wanting my M!! UGH!

Was at the neighbors most of the day and when I got home noticed H called 17 times and texted asking for me to deposit money he needed for the room at his school. So, called back and he said he was hanging out in the truck. Said I was sorry and would load the kids and head to the bank. (First time he's really needed me since the bomb and I was there, couldn't ask OW)

Called him after I deposited and told him the balance, etc. As we were getting off the phone he slipped up and said "love you". I didn't say a word. Instinct was to say it back, but I knew better. Then he said thank you and I said your welcome. Then either he hung up or we were cut off.

We were cut off on Fri and he thought I hung up, so texted him ur welcome.

Were those words completely by accident?

Or is he still struggling?

[31nheartbroken]

She would be sued in a civil suit for alienation of affection (by her presence, causing the spouse not to show you affection). My H does not even know this is an option for me. Won't he be surprised when he finds out!! lol!!

[31nheartbroken]

Guess I realized when I heard those words "love you", although they weren't meant for me, that I still very much love my H and I still want my M to work!

Still keeping my mind in the place of COMPLETELY letting go, letting god, not holding hope! I will continue on "as if" I am completely over it and ready to move on and past all of this. Time will tell whether he allows himself to see what he is walking away from before I really do move on!!

I will still talk to the legal assistant tomorrow and see what she suggests I do next, as far as letting H know that we have to file in NC.

Think he'll realize what a sh!t he's being when he knows what I know and that I still dropped everything to load the kids and run to the bank to "rescue" him? When he knows that he was here in the house and I didn't say a word, even helped him print some stuff?

Hmmmmm, just don't know about these alien WAS's!!!

[purgatory]

There is nothing wrong with you changing your mind about your M!! In fact, it's totally understandable. You have a long history together, your lives are tangled in each other and you have children... Anyone would think that is worth trying for.

Interesting thought to stew over: a few days ago, you were convinced and resolved to give up the fight. And you said you were comfortable with that decision. Now here you are saying that you want to throw those thoughts out the window and are ready to continue the fight. (Ready for this??) I find it hard to believe that this same phenomenon doesn't happen to the WAS. If we assume that they are human (regardless of their alien actions) and that they genuinely were in love with you- then how could they not go through the see-saw of thoughts about leaving?? It would explain a lot about their inconsistent actions... I've seen it in my H a few times. I just think that we need to pay attention to what we did or said that brings them back in and keep doing more of that.

Don't be surprised if you go back and forth some more, be gentle with yourself. You'll eventually figure out what you want, but t won't happen overnight.

[31nheartbroken]

Thanks purg!! I needed that this morning. I needed to feel like it's still ok that I love my H and want my M, even though he's lost his way right now!! As much of a shocker these past few months have been, and as horrible as he has been about this whole situation and all the deception, I still feel like all of the time we had together, before this deployment, is worth trying to save.

I know that we will never be able to go back and I know that I want a NEW R with H, but if he ever returns to some form of his old self, he was a wonderful husband and father!! It's worth waiting for!

I think you are totally right about the see-saw effect. If we are having those thoughts and feelings, being the fairly sane ones in these sitches, then it should only be natural that our WAS have the same effect. Perhaps, for them, their feelings change so quickly or more intensely. It takes us days sometimes weeks to process and sort out our feelings then something changes or happens and we need to start all over or process new feelings. Maybe with them, because they can be angry one second and thankful the next, they feel like they love us and want to stay one minute and then the next minute they hate us and want out! If it's more rapid or more intense it's a lot harder to process what they are feeling *rationally*!

I have known all along that I wanted my M and that I loved my H, but the confirmation of OW starting a lot further back than I realized, really shook me and made me feel like I hadn't yet about my sitch. I guess maybe I needed it. I needed to have my feelings shaken in order to really, really find out that I still want my M.

I know H doesn't know I know and I think that, if is does bounce back and forth, he tells himself I'll never forgive him anyway! I am hoping when he realizes that I know and have still been here for him, it will help him to realize that I might just surprise him if he decides he wants back in.

I have to let his world be shaken then let him try to process it and see what happens next!!

[31nheartbroken]

Feeling a little rough today! Not sure why I let those words effect me so much, especially when I know he didn't mean them.

It just took me right back to a place of missing him and wanting him back soooooo badly!!

Now, I am totally relieved that we have 9 whole months until he can file!! I believe everyone "time is your friend"! Now I just want him to know that I know about OW, so, hopefully he will cut it off cold turkey or start to gravitate away from her! I think it would die off eventually, but I am afraid it won't die off fast enough!

Left a message with paralegal, but haven't heard back. I will try her again tomorrow. Just a few questions for her regarding sep details.

Continuing to GAL! Searching for a job, check into hospital about volunteering tomorrow, etc, etc.

[31nheartbroken]

H sent me a few texts yesterday regarding the deposit. Was concerned that the total amount wasn't posted and told me I could have the money back when he gets paid (was planning to ask but was surprised that he offered on his own), so I told him if it didn't all show up by this morning I would go to the bank. Of course, when I checked this morning it was all there. I sent him a text saying "money's there. have a good day" (been a long time since i told him to have a good day and he used to tell me all the time). I totally built myself up for him not to respond at all, but he did text back saying "i saw thank you". I was happy that he responded and happy that he said thank you to the "good day". Back to no initiating contact from me, don't want to push it!

Never heard from paralegal yesterday, so trying again today.

Applied for another job yesterday!

Also, checking into volunteering at the hospital today.

Thinking about planning another day trip, not overnight this time, to our (me and kids) favorite new place. Let the kids play in the sand, go to dinner at seafood, at let the oldest sing karaoke.

We are still living out of a joint bank acct, should I ask if it's ok to take the kids to dinner this weekend (since he's been a little more communicative about money here lately) or just do it???

I would say something like "I was thinking about taking the kids to dinner on sat night, would that be ok?"

Hoping today will be better than yesterday, emotion wise! I'm sure it will cause this is day 2 post being "sucked back in"/still realizing I love my H more than ever!!

[31nheartbroken]

Oh, I will only ask about the dinner when he CALLS me about something! Not gonna pursue!!

Think I'm gonna continue avoiding texts as much as possible, so he'll call again. He's been getting good at that, learning how to call someone on the phone, lol! Yesterday, I just stuck with text because I'm sure he was anxious about his slip up from the night before, so I gave him the day to "recover"!!

I want him hearing my voice as much as possible!! Being nice and helpful when he needs it, but acting as if, and NOT letting myself get bullied!!