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#2225050 - 02/26/12 07:48 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18309
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
I'm happy to read that your daughter had her surgery and is doing well. I'm sure all of you were scared of what the surgery may entail, but she came through it and now her recovery will begin.

I'm also glad to see that your xh did not bring the ow w/him. At least he came and was there to sit and wait w/you and your family prior to and during the surgery.

I'm w/sleeper on this one, keep your expectations at zero when it comes to him. He may have stepped up to the plate a few days ago, but he can go right back down into the rabbit hole in a blink of an eye.

Wishing your daughter a very speedy recovery.

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#2225095 - 02/26/12 10:37 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hi Everyone,
yes I was scared but as it turns out it's a pretty simple procedure. The operation itself was less than an hour, and the results are already amazing. The challenge will be from keeping her out of mischeif so it can heal.

Sleeper: it was xh that started divorce proceedings 1 week after he told me we weren't getting divorced.....LOl. He admitted to me it was in the heat of the moment because I made him mad and he felt I accused him to stealing the children from him.....which was not the case!


You know what I"ve noticed through this whole MLC thing, is just how impulsive they tend to be and how they act out on emotions, rather than thinking things through. Hell I've done that myself, backsliding when intensely angry with him. But it didn't take me long to learn that controlled patience and waiting to calm down and think things through is the best solution to any big decision. I think that's part of the reason i get so angry with him is because of how he tore out of here like a tornado, not thinking of any of the consequences of this all. He just did what he thought would make him happy.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2225096 - 02/26/12 10:42 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
I am so glad your daughter is home as well as you Ml'er not involving OW in all of this. That is all so much of a blessing. I agree the impulsiveness is such a key factor in Mid life crisis. Their brain has no connection to being rationale. Please take care of yourself
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#2225205 - 02/26/12 05:46 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: TRUSTING]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
Kimmerz, so happy to hear your D is doing well.
Was also glad to hear your H showed some feelings and left ow home.

I agree with the others to keep your expectations at zero. If your H is a typical MLCer he has a ways to go.

The moments of clarity do show us the S we married is still in there.

Take care.

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#2225371 - 02/27/12 10:51 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: seeking answers]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hello everyone,

My head is spinning. I can't make heads or tails of whats going in on my mind. Im on a vent here, so bare with me, get a book mark, or don't even read. It just feels good to get this all out.

Being around xh in such a positive state lately has really shook me up. It's shaken me up because many things seem to be clearer to me about our marital breakdown,the big role I played that I wasn't even aware of, a reminder of who I remember my xh to truly be, and reliving what a strong family bond our two children and us still have together as one.

The man I married and I remember is here....my Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour. No telling when he'll check out again, but right now he's here. He drove like a bat out of hell to get to us for D9's surgery, and kept in consistent contact via text as we were traveling to make sure we were ok. WE got lost at one point and time and he called to see if we were ok and needed help...even though he was 1 hour behind us. The girls and I are girl Scouts, so we pulled it together and found the hospital, though a nerve wracking experience. The Shriners hospital we dook D9 to is 5 hours away. So we had to spend the night there and spend alot of time together. We stayed all day with d9, and I stayed in her room with her. Xh took D12 with him and they got a motel room for the night.

So we spent alot of time together. I expected it to be akward, and tension filled. The interesting thing was, it was the farthest thing from that. WE were comfortable with one another and talking as if nothing has ever happened, and it felt that way too. We teased eachother a bit, and were doing our usual inside jokes with the girls that only all 4 of us would understand. Xh complimented me to D9 in me spending all night with her on a couch.

We did alot of small talk, comparing apps to our iphones, he trying to help me downlod some things, etc. Of course talking about the girls and concern and watching over d9 consistently. Our shoulders were touching as we were comparing iphones, and he didn't pull away or seem uncomfortable at all. A few months ago he would step away if I got within 2 feet away from him, constantly trying to keep me at arms length, if not more. The the next day d9 in her wheelchair, xh and I were crowded in a little area of her room. I had to step over his legs and put my hand on his knee for balance. Figured that would've sent him through the roof, he would've jumped up and ran across the room, but nope. He didn't seem to have any problem with it. No problem at all in being in any close proximity with me.

AFter D9 was dischaged he took D12 with him and I still having d9 with me in my vehicle. We traveled together to get back on the freeway and out of the metro area. It brought back memories of the many times we've moved and I've followed his lead out of so many places. And just like clock work, we clicked into place, and worked together in driving like we used to.

D9 and and I got home about 3 hours before they did.They were to stop on the way and see an old mutal friend for a visit. AS it turns out he took D12 to the mall for a bit and spent some alone time with her. I was so happy to hear that, because if anyone needs more one to one time with him, it is her. So much damage done with her, she's been so hurt over this divorce. He dropped d12 off when back into town. He came into the house for the first time in months to see d9 before he went back to his place. He was still totally at ease, and talking to me about their trip down. When he left I patted him on the back and said " thanks for everything". He just said "uh huh" in his chipper little way and turned around a said a few things and left. He didn't pull away for act uncomfortable that I touched him again. He knows Im a touchy feely person too.

Since then we're in consistent contact about D9, trying to figure out some things for her, and joking around with one another. He quickly responds to me texts and we just seem to enjoy eachothers semi, text messsaging, talking about the kids compay. It was also the birth of our children that really bonded us in such a special way.

By the things he said and did during this time, I can see that he still cares about me and misses our family unit very much. It was written all over his face, for the man has a very POOR POKER FACE. I know him too well. I guess what has struck me is that I always felt in order for me to really know he still cared, I'd have to to hear the words and he speak to me face to face, and then back it up with lots of proof. But here I am with this man, and I just know. He doesn't even have to say anything. I dont feel Im grasping at straws or trying to convince myself. He still cares a great deal about me. I sense this huge anger and resentment he's had towards me has finally started to lift and he sees me for the good things he still remembers in me too. Given he's not one to come forth and apologize, it's just like him to act more of the part of apology then to come right out and say it.

So I guess what Im trying to put into place here is what's going on??? What kind of perspective should I try this time? If I take this as positive, am I setting myself up for heart ache? Having 0 expectations is a very hard one for me, but Im getting alot better at it. Because he truly has strong PA actions, but not as bad as some people can be, it's been confusing. I've been in somewhat of a total recall mode since Saturday, recalling everything that's happened this past year. What I perceived as him having OW in the wings for so long, might've been a big mistake on my part. AS I recall, I think xh was really thinking things over and considering getting back together. But my firey attitude and backslide ( hadn't discovered DB yet) just shoved him in OW direction.

What had happened was I had given him a book called "What women want men to Know" by Barbara DeAngeles. He gladly took that book and read it when he always used to poo- poo such a thing......but me and my impatience got mad because my expectations were too high of him....evidence of my own PA behavior! I expected him to start talking openly about this book and it's contents. I expected alot of things from him and when he didn't do it, I got impatient and asked for the book back. Apparently he still wanted to read it, but because I asked for it back, he took that as a sign I WAS DONE and didn't want to try anymore. He gave it back and never said anything about it till a month later. It was one week later he took off out of town to see OW come to find out.


I can see xh is happy in his new life. He's getting the attention he wanted from me from someone else. Due to the PA behavior he just couldn't ask me in a way I could understand.Due to my impatience and being just as frustrated I wasn't communicating any better either. What do you do when you can see all the things you've done wrong, didn't know you were doing wrong, and would've done them better? What do you do when you're so sorry you can't bare to be in your own skin? What do you do when you still love this person, despite all the rotten things you've done to one another?

I can see exactly how and why things went wrong, and how it just snoballed into one huge disaster. Due to ignorance, pride, and tempers, what was actually very good has just died. You can't turn back time, but you can rebuild and make it better than before. That's all I've wanted to do. But given he's with someone else, and we're divorced this week, I figure what's the use in trying? Just let him go and move on. Yet how do you do that when what was so special and such a bond with that person has just been put right before you again? Is this a chance to make things right, or just more looking at what was good and saying good bye again?
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2225516 - 02/27/12 06:54 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18309
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
I can understand your confusion and your thoughts whirling around in your head. Let me just say this and please don't take it the wrong way....there is a chance to make things right between you....but...he's the one that needs to make things right. Why? Because he's the one that walked out and took up with twinkle twat. He's the one that left the marriage long before he dropped the bomb.

If he is absolutely sure he wants to return to relationship, he is the one that has to prove to you that he can do it and remain there and work things out. It's not your place to twist yourself up into knots to make him happy.

What do you do? You just be yourself, don't jump through hoops trying to win him back. Keep your expectations at zero and I do mean zero at all times. If you don't, you are going to set yourself up for more heartache and you don't need that right now.

I do believe that your daughter's surgery shook him up a bit, but his crisis is far from over. Please focus on your child right now...she needs you. If he truly is waking up, he will find a way to make it right. If he comes to you and wants to talk, listen to what he has to say.

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#2225527 - 02/27/12 08:12 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
everything that snodderly said, and I would add...

maybe you have figured this out and maybe you haven't...

but, what does "move on" look like, to you? How would it be different than what you are doing, right now? I don't mean trying to keep the road home, paved and smooth... I mean... are you saying that moving on means starting to actively date? Or is moving on continuing to be the best mom you can be, working on yourself, and whatever the future brings... so be it?

Figure out what "move on" looks like, for you...

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#2225592 - 02/27/12 10:59 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: ~ kd ~]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hey guys...


Well I went to see my attorney today. Xh is now trying to get the smallest amount of child support figured as he can. He got smart and worked 3 days a week for a month so he could reap the benefits of my attorney figuring child support 200.00 less than what his attorney figured out back in November. I swear he put on his extra nice this month because he didn't want to make me mad enough to take him to court over this. That jackass knew exactly what he was doing.

Snodderly, thank you for reminding me that it's up to him to prove he wants to come back, not me to turn myself in knotts. I agree that her surgery might have brought him back to earth for a few days, but in all reality that man has lost it! If you could see the financial statements, and see the proof of all the money he's pissed away, you'd be sick. And he sat here and planned all this right under my nose! I still can NOT get over how someone can take that amount of money, and not do the right thing with it, and pay off their debts and pave their way to rebuliding their credit and therefore the stability of their financial lives! He has screwed me, he's screwed his kids, and even mostly screwed himself.

I am sickened....his father's side of the family chose to give him extra shares of the inheritence in place of his deceased father. On top of that they included him in a family law suit and the cash settlements are very lucrative. Yet he chose to blow it all! My god, I know MLCers lose all rationality, but when they're cutting their nose off despite their faces and actually shooting themselves in their own feet!

At any rate, Kaffe....for the longest time I think what I've focused on in regards to moving on is how I figured I would feel when moving on. To me moving on means I will have no more feelings for the man, good or bad, I will be indifferent. I will no longer give us a second thought, and will just focus on my own life without batting an eye.

Well let me tell you, I think that day has come. I can forgive him, but I will never forget. Anyone that is this selfish and reckless with money has got serious issues and I don't wish to be involved in that. I think I just tend to go into denial at times about how rotten he is, because I just don't want to admit this is how bad he's gotten. Especially after what appears to be him peaking out of the tunnel. Im just the kind of person that believes there is good in all people. There is still good in him, but the bad is pretty damn rotten and corrupt. I still want to hold on to the sweet person I thought he used to be.

Kaffee thank you for reminding me that moving on can mean just going on with life and taking it one day at a time. See I have a habit of knowing where I am, and knowing where I want to be, but having the patience to get there is where I lose it at times. I can make a great plan, and work my plan great, but when my plans get hiccups, well I just get so frustrated. So a hiccup for me all this time was still remaining so emotionally attatched to him. However as I think of things, and how god has a plan, I think the plan was, God had to get him out of the way and for me to be forced to step back and really see him for who he is now.

It's still the hardest thing I've had to go through. Im grateful for these moments because it really does show me the kind of person I am, and that I really am a good person, a great mom, and I that I really am working on myself, even if I get down in the dumps! So damn it I guess I have been moving on all along!
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2225608 - 02/27/12 11:54 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I recently had a friend post one of those words of wisdom quotes on my fb page: "Forgiving people who have hurt you is your gift to them. Forgetting people who have hurt you is your gift to yourself."

I know it was posted with good intention, but I had to chuckle and shake my head when I read it.

We should never forget anyone who has been a part of our lives. They contributed tremendously to our lives in many ways.

Just because I was hurt by my W's decision to remove herself from my life, does not mean that I should forget her or forget the positive things and ways that she contributed to my life. I would get NO value to forget her and I would get NO value from forgetting either the positive OR the negative impact she had on my life.

Wendy had been talking on my thread about letting go in a loving way. How it is difficult to do so. It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get there. And as I mentioned to Wendy, it is not something that everyone has to do. How you move on with your life is completely up to you. Whether you want to move forward bitter, indifferent or in a loving way is completely up to you.

About a month ago, my W once again suggested that I be the one to file D. She then said rhetorically wondered out loud about where my head was at regarding the D and asked me to let her know when I was ready to discuss it. I let her know a couple days later that I was ready to discuss it. She has not since brought it up.

In fact, I will be taking my kids to a sporting event my D14 is participating in over the border and, without leaving it up to me and without asking me my ability and capacity to take care of the planning, has gone ahead and searched out accommodations, even letting me know that she would book the room on her work's credit card... crazy

So I have a choice...

I can tell her to mind her own business, I'll figure it out.

I can tell her thanks, but no thanks...

Or... I can just let her do what she does, and what she wants to do... thank her for it and carry on...

Those are just three different ways I can handle it.

I can be completely indifferent to her gesture...

But rather, I will be grateful of her offer. I don't need it and I could do all the work and I can put the room on my CC, etc, etc, etc...

She is providing me with a value and I can be grateful for it.

So...

You are welcome for the reminder that moving on is what you make of it.

There's something a little bizarre about the person who wants to eject from a long term M... and yet does things over and above what a "friend" might do...

But life goes on... whatever the future brings... so be it...

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#2225619 - 02/28/12 12:33 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: ~ kd ~]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Well Kaffe, I have light years to go before I reach where you are. Light years.

As far as Im concerned accepting something like that would not be appropriate for me.

"There's something a little bizarre about the person who wants to eject from a long term M... and yet does things over and above what a "friend" might do..."

Why do you think they do these things?

Im sitting here just stewing over how it's damn near like this " free Love" sort of thing. I don't get it. It's like they say " Oh Im going to move on and be with another person because I don't love you anymore, but lets just stay and be the best of friends anyway. Oh you're hurt? Why are you even suprised? Why would you be hurt? Why does it matter to you that we've been together for many years and I want to move on?"

I just don't get it Kaffe. The only way I can get over being bitter is to become indifferent. I feel played by this man everytime I have an positive interaction with him. However I realize that's me and how I handle my emotions.

It just infuriates me that they have no consideration for our heartbreak and honestly have no respect for it. My xh knew I was heartbroken, yet he wouldn't leave me alone! Major cake eating and caused nothing but mixed signals from me. Perhaps Im thinking that doing the 180's and acting as if doesn't help because they really are done and they really want you to be ok with what their choices are. So they're under the impression that you're ok with the split, when you really aren't. guess that's where i wonder if I pushed him in the other direction of other woman by giving him the impression I was done by asking for my relationship book back. He said he figured I was done because I asked for it back.

OMG... I gotta get this man outta my head. At times I get so fed up with this I wish I were dead, just to escape the frustraion and pain.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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