Well, you mentioned that if you hadn't moved 800 miles from home 4 months ago you would leave immediately. If that is how you feel, I dont think you are doing yourself or your son any favors by trying to sacrifice more for her.
You left home, for her. You gave up your job, for her. You are a free babysitter, for her. You are not confronting her, for her. You are letting her ingratiate OM to your son, for her. You are turning a blind eye and keeping her affair a secret, for her.
You have done enough for her. For everything you have done, she has responded by lying to you, cheating on you, betraying you, emotionally abusing you. And you are helping her do it. So why shouldn't she? There are obviously no consequences to her actions that hurt you and your son.
Different marriage support programs have different recommendations on whether to snoop, whether to expose affairs to family/bosses etc, whether to tell OMW, whether to do anything to force your wife to make a decision. This program is firmly in the no camp for all of these. In many cases I think this is the right track, but I really don't think this is best for your situation because you have put yourself in a terrible situation where you are dependent on your wayward wife. If she files for divorce in your current location, she can force that your son has to stay in the new location. You will be financially devastated, trapped in the new location away from your family and career prospects, and most likely will get bulldozed by her in the divorce and custody settlement.
Residency for divorce is typically established after 6 months. You are at 4 months in the new location. You can move back home, get your old job back and file for divorce in your original location. Filing for divorce does not mean you will have to get a divorce - if you file first you have control and you can drag it out or end it at any time. Your wife would be very hard pressed to get your son back to your current location, especially as she cant force you to move back and if you are not there, she would have to prove that she can care for him full time.
You are not taking her son away from her - you are giving her a choice: you and your son or her job and her affair. Which do you value more?
Did you find sandi2's rules? One of them is something like "believe none of what they say, half of what they do".
There is a lot of fear, confusion for all of us (both sides) in these situations I think...if I believed everything I have said through this, I would be divorced.
But I didn't, and I am not.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm sure it sounds like I lost my sack somewhere. Your post is something I've thought of everyday. Come close to doing it. It is not off the table. Just not the direction I'm going today.
Thanks for the legal advice. Wasn't aware of that.
I have been keeping a log of what days she's been gone. What time she gets home. Stuff like that. In case I need history to keep my hard earned rights as a parent. So far in the last 35 business days she has been gone 17 of them. She has only been home in time to get S from daycare 4 days.
It was something a friend did as he was getting D. Worked out well for him. His W gets kids every other weekend. The courts are not as biased as they once were.
Got another job offer today. Not as lucrative as the one I've been waiting to hear back from but going to talk Monday.
I went hiking today. It was nice. Had a great time. When I got back. Different story.
As soon as I walk through the door.
W- why is the password on "my" computer changed?
Me- I changed it. It is my computer now. We bought you a new one 3 months ago.
W- well tell me the new password.
Me- No. I will give you the pictures but you stopped having the right to know everything when you started keeping secrets.
W- I am getting an apartment for myself. I am sick of you.
Me- I'm sorry you feel that way.
(sigh) what now? I was cool and calm. Came in with a great attitude. Even gave her a hug as I said sorry you feel that way. She pulled back of course. I felt it was a good thing to do as my shame was triggered and I wanted to calm her fear.
She has not started packing. She is playing video games with S. I am grilling burgers.
In my opinion....TMI... Instead of:"Me- No. I will give you the pictures but you stopped having the right to know everything when you started keeping secrets."
Maybe just: "Me- No. I will give you the pictures and whatever else you need off it, do you have a flash drive handy?."
End of story...No blame, accusation, reference to R issues...just the facts ma'am...
I would spend a lot of time with S tonite and give her space...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This is such a hard road. In many ways I have been on it a while. Just wasn't aware of it. Got so far to go. Don't know whats waiting at the end of it.
On the bright side I had a good day by my current standards.
Went to church by myself. S said he would go if W went. She said she wasn't going but he should join me. He threw a minor tantrum and they stayed at home. Sat in the church full of people and felt very alone. Missed my family. The sermon was good. One person got saved. Three baptised.
We went to eat lunch together and bowling after that. It was fun but everything is awkward these days.
Came home and watched a kids movie. At one point a momma bear pushes a cub down a hill and stays behind to fight a wolf and dies. The cub is crying. S turns to look at me with tears in his eyes. He asks "why". "Would you push me down a hill and leave me?" I answered that I would never leave him. Him and I are great hunters and we are strong. We would fight that wolf together. His spirits were quickly lifted and he showed me his muscles.
Do you want to live in this place with your son where you cannot find a job?
I got a job offer today and accepted. The answer to the Q though is no. We never planned on living here forever. It was discussed in great detail before we made a decision. (I thought our M was in a good place at the time. Looking back I was wrong.) It was a 2 year or so plan. Get experience, make some money, transfer or find a new job back close to family ASAP if/when the time is right.
I have no desire to live here forever. I want to be and to raise my son near all of our family.
It has been a tough decision whether to stay here or go back home. The answer lies in my core responsibily and value. My son's wellbeing and happiness. I would not be able to live with a decision that put 800 miles between him and W. Would that make me a MAN? Putting my interest before his?
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In what way?
I mean there is a wolf here.
Don't you think?
Yes. The wolf is present. I saw a glimpse of his likely reaction if we should talk to him about splitting up. Abandoning him.
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You are watching and waiting for her to come back?
Then what?
I could be guilty of watching and waiting. I am making changes. For me. I am moving forward. What lay ahead? Dunno. I still have hope. If I didn't I would be at the strip club instead of here. Just kiddin.
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What do you want Pulp?
What is your goal?
What kind of man do you aspire to be?
What example can you show your son right now of that man?
I want to keep my family together in one house. I want my old W back, or a new and improved W. If that is not possible, I want the closest thing to it. Two functioning parents working with each other and not against.
My goal is to keep getting better.
I want to be the kind of man only a fool would leave.
My son can see that I am HERE. Always will be. He can count on me. That I have not lost it. That I haven't resorted to the botttle or drugs, slapping her around, slamming doors, yelling and screaming, kicking the dog.(all of which I have seen, from my late mother and her lovers, not from my father.) I hope to break the cycle.
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Which is how you looked when you changed the password.
I agree.
I would like to make boundaries. I have no way of backing them up. "If you do _______ , I will...I will..." I will what. I need help in this area. Any examples of healthy boundary setting?
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Do you like this guy that you see in the mirror? Do you think your W likes and respects him?
Overall I do like that guy. That man is suprising me. There are things I'm still workin on. But I continue to progress. And I don't give a shhh what she thinks. I am doing the best I can with the cards I've got. Many cards she dealt. I am making some mistakes and trying not to make them twice. Learning as much as I can, and folks like you are helping me along.
I would not be able to live with a decision that put 800 miles between him and W. Would that make me a MAN? Putting my interest before his?
Pulp I am going to ask that you be kind to yourself and look at this a different way.
It is NOT your fault or responsibility that your W brought you to a town away from the rest of your family causing you to give up your job and then start a relationship with another man.
I would say that you deciding to move back home with your son was due to her choice and the responsibility lies directly on her.
She has lied to you, not been truthful, threatened to leave and is carrying on an active Affair <---- it is going on no matter whether physical or just emotional and no matter what she chooses to admit.
I guess the question for you is:
If your M does not survive will you want to stay where you are regardless?
If not
I would talk to an attorney to know what your options and rights are to move you and your son home.
Your W chose this. NOT YOU. She is deciding to break up your family NOT YOU.
Your choice is to do the right thing for you and your son.
Only you can answer that question.
IF she wants to repair the M then she will see her part in this and respect you for the choice you made.
If not then at least you made a decision that is the best for you and your son.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
