A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

Please consider this OnLine Community as 'Read Only' for now. We are making some changes behind the scenes, and will let you know right away when everything is back up and running properly. Please do not register as a new user, nor post during this time. Although it may seem like things are working properly, please note that any changes or new posts that happen during this transition period will not be retained once we have completed our maintenance and changes, and are back up and running again. We are working to make this transaction period as short as possible. We are aiming for 24 hours, but it could be anywhere from 24 - 48 hours. Thank you.
Page 2 of 19 < 1 2 3 4 ... 18 19 >
Topic Options
#2228947 - 03/08/12 08:27 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Yes, I was definitely worried that this would happen again because I do truly believe he is unhappy with himself and regrets some life decisions (like getting out of the Marines.) When he was trying to earn my trust back, he was staying in a lot, doing things for me, writing me love emails, and buying me thoughtful gifts. We also went on little trips. These things were all GREAT and I appreciated and loved all of them, but I just had this feeling that he still wasn't convinced of his life with me.

During this phase, we were acting like ourselves, having fun, but I know that I was holding back a little because I didn't complete trust it. However, he kept telling me that he was in it for life and that I was the one!!! I just kept having this feeling though!

So now three weeks ago, he told me that he has no feelings for me and he wants to start his whole life over. He has what everyone wants: a great wife, a house, dog, cat, new cars, but he's still not happy, so he said that his marriage was the thing that was making him the most unhappy. I find this very hard to believe because we have had a great year!!! I also think he ran scared because I told him on New Year's Day that I wasn't happy with my progress in trusting him again and he cried and has been pulling away from me since!!! That's when he then dropped the bomb three weeks ago!!! So, yes, he said I have no feelings for you and I want to start my life over without you and I'm starting with you...then he's going to get a new job, move, and who knows what else.

As for my support network, I have great friends and family who are keeping me busy. It's just so hard because the one person I want to keep me busy doesn't want me. I don't know how to maintain hope in our relationship....
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2229005 - 03/09/12 01:06 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Journal:

Just good song lyrics to keep me motivated!!

"I Won't Give Up"

Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2229216 - 03/09/12 07:04 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Stephanie111,

Thanks for the additional details, it helps so much to understand more of your sitch. You may feel like you're writing a lot, but the situations are so complicated, the more you can write the better!

Originally Posted By: Stephanie111
These things were all GREAT and I appreciated and loved all of them, but I just had this feeling that he still wasn't convinced of his life with me.


I assume he picked up on that. Do you think he felt like he made the best effort he could make and it still wasn't good enough for you?

Originally Posted By: Stephanie111
I also think he ran scared because I told him on New Year's Day that I wasn't happy with my progress in trusting him again and he cried and has been pulling away from me since!!!


So the tricky thing here Stephanie is that these things are so complicated, there are so many factors at play. The danger is that we may find something that looks like it explains what has happened perfectly, but it may not really explain it at all.

That said, the simple explanation would be that H dedicated himself to you and your relationship and felt he was giving it all he had. Despite that, it wasn't good enough for you, you still didn't trust him, and you told him that.

The simple explanation would be that he decided to give up instead of facing continued rejection, and is "convincing himself" that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore to free him from not feeling good enough.

This is not to say that "it's all your fault" or anything you did is wrong. It's just trying to make sense of what happened so we can understand maybe some of what's driving H to act the way he's acting.

What do you think about that? Do you think H "gave up" because he felt his best effort wasn't good enough, that he put himself out there and his level of intimacy wasn't reciprocated?

A few things to be aware of. I read a great book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". In that book, it talks about just how important it is for a man to feel like a good provider. It's an evolutionary, animalistic sort of need. If he feels like he's not being a good provider, because you complain about what he's bringing to the table, then he's going to feel badly about himself. That feeling inadequate will really do a job on him over time and he'll seek to escape that feeling however he can, thrill seeking, etc. It leads to a feeling of being trapped, and he may have needed to escape.

He may fear, now, that he will always feel inadequate with you, and that's what he's running from.

I could be WAY off here, the important thing is what you think about all this. Please share.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2229270 - 03/09/12 10:31 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I do think he "gave up" because he says he did give his best effort and that it still wasn't good enough for me, but that's not true at all. I was getting there...it just wasn't at his pace. He thought I should have already completely trusted him. He thinks we'll never get back to where we used to be, but I told him that I know we can because we have something special (that was before he left and after I told him on New Year's that I wasn't happy with myself.) He disagreed because he said he tried. The thing is though he is not inadequate to me. I love him with all of my heart and would never leave him and he is the best person for me.

He has always said in our relationship that I'm too good for him, but I have not given him that idea. It's his own insecurities. I have always told him that he's the one for me and that I love him and no one is ever going to take his place.

I do really think he's also hit a huge bought of depression, because not only does he want to get rid of me, but he wants to start his whole life over...work, wife, house, etc. He also just bought a new car 3 weeks before all of this happened. And the thing is...he took me with him to buy the car because he didn't want to make this decision on his own and wanted to share the car buying experience with me. He did not have to take me because the car he traded in...I was not even on that loan. So these are the things that I'm not understanding.

He is currently staying at a friend's empty condo, but is looking for studio apartments on a month to month lease, which is good and bad. I don't want him to move into this other apartment...obviously I want him home!!! I have not shared my feelings with him about this though because I am giving him his space. I just wish I knew if we could reconcile...this pain and heartache is killing me. The only thing I want is him home working on our marriage!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2229316 - 03/10/12 02:12 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
(((Stephanie))) Your sitch is very different from mine. When my H left he had a list of faults of mine to throw in my face. We do have the broken trust in common. He said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust him. I did have valid reasons to not trust him, mind you.

I fear that your H is just truly unhappy with himself and it has nothing to do with you, so there's nothing you can *do* to 'fix' this. With my sitch, as soon as H saw me changing, he was drawn to me like a moth to the flame. I don't think that's very typical.

Your H needs to find himself, as cliche as that sounds. He sounds truly lost. Only time will tell. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Focus on yourself. It's all you can do. Do what makes you happy and that has nothing to do with H. I know I enjoyed blasting music that he hated, watching movies that he'd groan about when I'd watch them during our R. I didn't have to wash his smelly socks anymore wink Small steps at first. You have to find the silver lining that gets you through.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2229338 - 03/10/12 03:40 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
mncwng Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 34
Accuray, could you elaborate a little bit more about this? This sounds like it could apply a bit to my situation as well. Suppose that the following (quoted portion)is true, what should or can the LBS do to fix this while still following the DB principles?

im having so much trouble with DBing/detaching/ and also 180s since some of the principles seem to contradict at times. i'm trying to detach but at the same time trying to implement changes in response to complaints H has had about me.

when you get a chance, could you also take a quick look at my thread as well? thanks so much!!



Originally Posted By: Accuray


The simple explanation would be that he decided to give up instead of facing continued rejection, and is "convincing himself" that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore to free him from not feeling good enough.

What do you think about that? Do you think H "gave up" because he felt his best effort wasn't good enough, that he put himself out there and his level of intimacy wasn't reciprocated?

A few things to be aware of. I read a great book called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". In that book, it talks about just how important it is for a man to feel like a good provider. It's an evolutionary, animalistic sort of need. If he feels like he's not being a good provider, because you complain about what he's bringing to the table, then he's going to feel badly about himself. That feeling inadequate will really do a job on him over time and he'll seek to escape that feeling however he can, thrill seeking, etc. It leads to a feeling of being trapped, and he may have needed to escape.

He may fear, now, that he will always feel inadequate with you, and that's what he's running from.
Accuray

Top
#2229405 - 03/10/12 03:26 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Jenna333]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Thank you Jenna for your insight! A huge part of me really thinks that this is his issue...that he needs to find himself. I'm just having a hard time having him find himself without me. He doesn't share anything with me about his progress. I only know he's taking steps to see a psychiatrist because I just paid our cell phone bill and saw a call was made to one. It is good that he's taking these steps but I also know he not really talking to anyone about his steps. I just don't understand how a person could do this and go through it alone.

Caring so much for him, I want to help him, but I know that he does not want my help or I guess the help of others. It just hurts that he couldn't tell me this sooner. I could have tried to help him and would have done things differently.

I'm trying so hard to detach and give him his space. I only texted him yesterday to ask him for his license number for our state taxes. He responded and that was it. Now last night his sister got engaged and it's tearing me apart because there is this huge possibility that I won't be part of the wedding...
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2229494 - 03/11/12 01:55 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: mncwng]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Mncwng,

I will copy this and reply on your thread

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2231148 - 03/16/12 02:03 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
So I have not talked or texted my H in two weeks (the coach suggested this for three weeks.) It's been hard, but I have done it. However, he has not even tried to contact me via email, text, or call. I don't understand how this is all supposed to work if we're not talking at all. We do have DB coaching tomorrow morning and it will be the first time we've talked or seen each other in two weeks. I am apprehensive about tomorrow, because I'm not sure how to act or talk to him. I want to pretend things are normal and fine, but I don't know if I know how to do that. I want to know everything that has gone on in his past two weeks and how work is, but I don't want to bombard him.

Another update: He did go out with friends this past week and he mentioned to one of our mutual friends that "he misses his stuff." Our friend, then asked "your stuff and W?" And he just looked at our friend, smiled, and said "I miss all my stuff." The friend (who is a guy) says from his point of view that he really does miss me and everything about our life, but he still is not sure what is going to make him happy in life. He also got the vibe from my H that our marriage is not over and that he thinks counseling is working or will work. I don't see how he can say this to someone when we haven't really spoken in a month and haven't seen each other in two weeks!

I'm just so confused about this whole process! I don't know how it's supposed to work in the end. I really want my marriage to work and I'm willing to work hard, but I want to see some results and I'm not seeing anything...
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2231173 - 03/16/12 03:22 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
I'm really sorry stephanie, I know how difficult this can be. You are doing great, just continue to follow the advice of your coach and stay the course.
_________________________
-Autumn


Top
Page 2 of 19 < 1 2 3 4 ... 18 19 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004