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#2221520 - 02/13/12 01:34 PM WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice?
kenva Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/12
Posts: 213
Wife and I have been separated for about 7 months. She sais she has fallen out of love with me, but still loves me. We have an awesome 6 year old boy. We still live together, but in separate rooms. I have been talking to Chuck, and he sais I am doing better than I think. Need convincing of that. My wife is also having an affair. Anyone out there that has been thru this for some advice?
_________________________
M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2

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#2221672 - 02/13/12 09:15 PM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: kenva]
mr mr Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/12
Posts: 201
Loc: Wisconsin
Been there sone that. Need more info from you. What are her complaints? Ages? How long have you been together? The more info you give the more help you will receive.

This is generally not a quick process, it took time to get here and it will take time to get out, so patience is key.
Hopefully someone who is not on a phone can post the 37note rules here for you. Print them. Read them. Learn them. Live them.

For now Breathe, Learn, Move On. Sloooowly
_________________________
Michael

Me:46 /W:37
M:13 /T:16
D's:19,18,17,6
S:10
W filed 8/15/11
Court 9/21/12

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional.

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#2221679 - 02/13/12 09:52 PM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: mr mr]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Ask and you shall receive smile Here are the 37 rules that he ^^^^^ referred to. They are credited to Sandi2 (a success story on our boards.) Keep posting often here and visit other's threads- you never know what you might find that will help you cope. As far as affairs- MrMr is in the think of one (sorry Michael), 2thepoint has dealt with one as well- and there are a lot of others that are dealing with OM and OW (myself included).


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2221684 - 02/13/12 10:12 PM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: purgatory]
Hopeful321 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/11
Posts: 385
Loc: FL
The best thing you can do is give her space and time. And take this time to work on yourself and GAL. Let her see the new you.

And don't worry, she will see the new you. She may not say anything at first because she will be unsure of your changes. So be consistent.

My walked out 7 months ago and said that he did not love me anymore. And now, we are working on piecing back together. He saw my changes and told me that he liked what he saw, but did not trust me. I asked for him to take that leap of faith with me. And he is. So far, so good.

When he was around me, I tried to act upbeat and fun. It is hard but what choice do you have. He also noticed my GAL and started to question me about it. Curiosity. And that's when he started coming back to me.
_________________________
H: 45
W: 44
D: 2 1/2
S: 20 (college) My 20 & 19 yrs old are from my 1st marriage
S: 19 (college
D: 19 (college)

M: 3
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012

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#2221877 - 02/14/12 01:57 PM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: Hopeful321]
kenva Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/12
Posts: 213
I am 42 and she is 34. We have been married 9 years and dated 6 years. She sais she fell out of love with me.She is not physically attracted to me anymore, but she still loves me, like a brother.She would complain that I wasn't romantic enough the past few years. I now reailze I was depressed then. I was on medication, but now I have stopped them.I did neglect her.When she first brought up separating,7 months ago, I lost it. I got real emotional, now knowing I shouldn't have. I am more laid back now, not chasing her, but it is also killing me inside.i moved out for 3 months, to give her space, then moved back in, upstairs.Some days, she is hot and others cold to me. Getting real confused.
_________________________
M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2

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#2225060 - 02/26/12 08:10 AM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: kenva]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2533
Loc: Piney Land
^^^
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2225079 - 02/26/12 09:54 AM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: Rick1963]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Make sure you get a copy of DB or DR- mine has highlights and notations all though out it... and each time I read it, I find a new perspective based on things that have developed in my sitch.

When you feel like you're going to loose it, or that you want to say something to her, come here first. Tell us. Vent it out and usually that takes care of your need to say anything... but if not, than at least you will get some sound, rational advice before taking any action that may hurt more than help. Our general rule is to wait 24 hours before saying/doing anything to your WAS- this way you have a chance to get out of the emotional brain and *act* rationally, instead of *re-acting* emotionally.

Head over to the "Affairs" forum and read some of their stories, you might find some helpful advice. I wouldn't post on that forum, there are more people watching and posting in this forum so you'll get more advice here. Post often so we can follow and help you out when the confusion arrises.

The following is an overview of the process, think about what it says and how it applies to you and your sitch.

Step Number 1: Start with a Beginner’s Mind
Although age and experience can bring wisdom in some areas of our lives, it can also bring narrow-mindedness and shortsightedness – we no longer question our assumptions and beliefs. We get set in our ways. For any recovery, it is essential that, before you do anything else, you empty your minds of what you think you know about doing marriage right. You don’t, so start fresh.

Step Number 2: Know What You Want
Specific goals contain seeds for solution. Writing out your goals makes them more real and offers a baseline to which you can refer to in the days to come. Begin by listing 2 or 3 things you’d like to change or improve about your marriage. Make sure that you list what you want in your marriage, not what’s missing. Think action – describe specific actions people will take to improve things. Think small – each goal should be able to be accomplished within a week or two.

Step Number 3: Ask for What You Want
Share your thoughts with your spouse. If you think you’ve done this already, realize that when most people feel like they’re requesting change, they’re usually complaining, which is often met with resistance. Consider the timing – make sure they’re approachable – and ask in a constructive way.
*Note – there might be so much tension between you that your spouse isn’t about to do anything you ask. If this is the case, don’t ask anything right now – fast forward to Step Number 4.

Step Number 4: Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels
When we’re unhappy in our marriages, we try something to fix it. If it works, great. If not, instead of trying something different, we simply keep doing more of the same, and become more emphatic about it. This will not only fail to eliminate the problems in your life, but you will actually make it worse - the very thing you do to solve a problem is what’s actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior. Many people see improvements in their marriage simply by committing to stop doing what hasn’t been working.

Step Number 5: Experiment and Monitor Results
Improving your marriage is a trial and error process – you experiment and watch the results. In order to become better at noticing how your approach to things creates change in your partner, keep a Solution Journal – write down the challenging situation, how you handled it (solution- oriented approach), your partner’s immediate reaction and their reaction several days later. Remember to stop going down Cheeseless Tunnels and continue only what works.

Step Number 6: Take Stock
On a scale of 1 to 10, state where your marriage was prior to starting the program, then do the same for where you are right now. Determine whether you are satisfied with your progression, or if you are not. If not, list one or two things you could do or that could happen that would bring your marriage up a half step on the scale (ie. 4.5 to 5). Remember that no marriage is ever perfect, and change can sometimes take longer than you’d like.

Step Number 7: Keeping the Positive Changes Going
If you want to stay in love with your spouse, you have to continue doing loving things every day – you never get to the point where you can stop being thoughtful about how you treat your spouse. Realize that everyone gets off track from time to time – conflict is inevitable. But what separates the winners from the losers in this game of life isn’t the amount of failure people experience. It’s the way in which winners handle the failure – pick yourself up, dust off and get back on track.

taken from:
Episode “Divorce Remedy: Marital Satisfaction Guaranteed” Adapted from Michele’s book - The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
By Dr. Dave Currie and Christie Rayburn
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

Top
#2231770 - 03/19/12 12:50 PM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: purgatory]
kenva Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/12
Posts: 213
I'm getting really fustrated w waw. She hasn't worn her wedding ring in 3 weeks, which I am fine with. She was taking it off on accasion before. What gets me is that she didnt wear it to a family cook out, where she has before. I feel like she has no respect for me by doing this in front of her family. I am going crazy over this. Anyone with some advice?
_________________________
M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2

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#2239993 - 04/23/12 06:56 AM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: kenva]
kenva Offline
Member

Registered: 02/04/12
Posts: 213
So, the day other day I told wife I was going to take our son to the circus. She said she would want to come also, because I took him to his first basketball game a month ago, and she said she missed out on that, and doesnt want to miss out on taking him to the circus. The day after the circus, we were alone for about an hour, she brings up when we were going to talk. She still wants to move forward and talk who would buy the house, and that we can work out how many days each of us would have our son. She sais we are great co-parents, but there is nothing between us. All she could say is that she was "sorry". I played it cool and told her that this is what she wants so she has to make the move on the next process. I told her that she had done what she wanted to do, push me away so that I dont care anymore. Well, not true. Its still killing me and want to work it out. Is there anyone that has been in this type of situation. I am not giving up.
_________________________
M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2

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#2239998 - 04/23/12 08:13 AM Re: WAW is having affair, anyone with some advice? [Re: kenva]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10951
Kenva, I'm glad you found your way here and hope you'll stick with us b/c you'll get a great support group.

I'm short on time right now, but to answer your question about others being in this type of stitch, I think almost every man here has gone through what you're experiencing (to some degree). Read other threads to gain insight.

Post every day to help build up your support group.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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