Working on LRT to Something else???

[ces67]

Well, I went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight. It was OK. Very nice people. Felt a little out of place given that I'm not married to an alcoholic. However, both her parents were alcholics. The F was abusive, angry and ran off on the family and the M pretty much gave up on life and check out as a mom for the most part and drinking herself to an early death. W has a picture of her sitting in a run down kitchen drinking with one of W's older sisters. W has 4 biological siblings that she's always stayed away from due to their own substance & anger issues.

We've always stayed away from alcohol because of W's background. At least for the first 18 years of our M. Then she decided she should try it to prove to herself that she wouldn't become her parents. Well, she may not be an alcoholic but she's turned into her parents by checking out, being angry and escaping through "good times" rather than deal with any issues.

So working on me. I've got to figure out my conflict/anger avoidance issues and how its impacting my interactions with W. We've had no R conversations and I may need to start some. Will have an IC meeting on Monday.

Side note - I can hear my W in the kitchen now fixing she and her friend marguaritas. Its just so frustrating. I never had an issue with having a drink but all her behavior changes started when she started drinking and hanging with these ladies so I have some personal frustrations that I need to work through.

OK, I also contacted a fincial consulting group based from a christian organization to help me organize a plan to get my finances back in check. I have that appointment next week.

Mentioned in an earlier post today that I did speak with a "legal consultant" through work EAP and got basic news that I'd be hard pressed to get primary custody of kids and I'll most likely end up with the brunt of the financial burden. All the more reason to deal with it now.

An elder at my church has been wonderful and we're having lunch again soon. He also offered some counseling to me through the church that I may take him up on. This is the elder who recommended the DB book based upon this counselor using the book.

Not sure what else to write tonight. The roller coaster is on the frustrating twists & turns. I've got to figure out how to direct it to better places for myself.

[2thepoint]

Hang in there CES. If I were you, I'd take advantage of any C I could get my hands on, whether it be through your church or elsewhere. The more support you have, the better!

When you have a minute, go check out my post to you and Rick over on his thread.

[ces67]

Thanks 2. just read it and responded there. I plan on picking up that book next. I know I have to work on my attitude at home and have done so. Its not great, but its defintely better. Thanks for taking the time to read & respond.

Tomorrow's my morning coffee day so I'll be catching up on yours & other's threads in the morning.

[ces67]

Journal stuff:

D9's b-day party went great. Had 11 girls total and 9 spend the night. 7 stayed long enough for breakfast today.

W & D had arranged "minute to win it" games for the girls and they had lots of fun. Then D wanted them to have their own talent show so the broke up into groups and make their shows. Of course with it being all girls, the only guy in the house (me) made it a little akward for them so I gladly occupied myself in another room.

Kept up the "acts of service" as well. Party started at 8 and W had to take her friend to the airport. While she was gone I saw several things that needed done and just got them done. W even called to ask if I could do "x" and I was able to tell her I already had it done. She seemed a bit surprised but I never got a "thank you". Good thing is, I don't expect that any more anyway.

W is the night owl so she stayed up LATE with the girls and slept very little. I got up early because 2 girls have to leave before everyone else. So I was able to get them out the door and fix breakfast for the 7 remaining girls while W slept some. (homemade pancakes, bacon & sausage).

D's birthday is actually tomorrow. W always does the shopping so I asked about what she's gotten D and she showed me the stuff.

I cleaned up the kitchen and visited with the parent as they came to get their girls. Overall fun evening.

Also have to give credit to W. She did this for our S too. On the 10th b-days. When the kids have their friend parties, instead of bringing gifts, we have our kids pick out a charity to help. So both kids picked animal shelters. W contacts these gorups to see what they need and then the guests bring stuff for the charity. Then we take our kids there to drop off the goodies. My W has very cool ideas like this.

W even mentioned going to church tomorrow and then taking D out to lunch for her b-day. I still have to talk about our finances with her tomorrow so a little anxious on how that will go

[labug]

When the kids have their friend parties, instead of bringing gifts, we have our kids pick out a charity to help. So both kids picked animal shelters. W contacts these gorups to see what they need and then the guests bring stuff for the charity. Then we take our kids there to drop off the goodies. My W has very cool ideas like this.

What a great idea!

[2thepoint]

"Also have to give credit to W. She did this for our S too. On the 10th b-days. When the kids have their friend parties, instead of bringing gifts, we have our kids pick out a charity to help. So both kids picked animal shelters. W contacts these gorups to see what they need and then the guests bring stuff for the charity. Then we take our kids there to drop off the goodies. My W has very cool ideas like this."

Just curious... have you considered telling your W something like:

W, I don't know if I ever told you this but I really admire you for being so thoughtful with the kids and showing them compassion towards others like how you do the charity gift giving thing. It is just so cool and I really think the example you set is like planting seeds for the future. I just wanted you to know that I admire you for that.


And then smiling, walk away.....

[ces67]

Not quite those words but I did make a point to tell her this morning that she & D did a great job with the party and that she always does such a good job with all these types of things. Then I just went on with cleaning up the kitchen.

I still make it a point to praise her when possible and even compliment her in front of people when the opportunity exists.

I try not to over do it. Her lack of response seems to indicate that this is not her "love language".

[2thepoint]

It may not be, but words of affirmation are always welcomed. So what is her LL? Any idea?

[ces67]

I really think it is "gifts". She LOVES her birthday. She once told me she would like if I shopped for her and brought home several items of clothes for her to try and then she could take back what she didn't want. I've done that a few times in the past but not enough. We have always struggled financially through our marriage. We've made it but its been tight as we've chosen to raise a family on just my income.

Now things are even worse financially because of our sitch. I do look for little things to do and try to do them very casually. But I probably need to ramp this up a bit.

I think a secondary may be "acts of service" which as we talked about area a little easier to find and do. I've focused more on this since I can typically do this despite our limited cashflow.

[2thepoint]

You know gifts are tough but can be combined with Acts of service. Here's an example; I've covered it on my thread but will share again.

My W's LL is Acts of Service and it is a very pronounced. For Valentines day I made her a home made V card from the kids. Just something I pulled off the internet and then I printed up some pictures of the boys that I had on my phone and glued them on the cards.

It took just a few minutes and cost next to nothing. But, it was HUGE for my W. I essentially killed two birds with one stone - Gifts and Acts of Service.

Mothers Day is coming up in a few months. What if you were to get a can of spray paint and something like a painters canvas and have your kids help make a Mothers Day collage of hand prints on a heart or something like that.

It could be a joint project with you and the kids and your W would be the recipient.

Tell me she wouldn't appreciate that little gesture!! Go ahead, tell me. I dare you!