WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

2TP, thanks for the link to Busto's thread. I haven't gotten through all of it but it's a good read.

Spent today replacing stuff that was taken out of the house. New bed for SD, new headboard, dresser, nightstand. It's a guest room and her room at the same time. It's where she'll sleep on nights she's here between bedtime and mom getting them.

Drama today with W's XH. He's mad that the kids are spending time with me and not him on nights that W works. He wants to watch them when she works. That arrangement would make me pretty sad, but I don't have much say in the matter. We'll see if it happens though. XH says that he wants to get them, though overnight wouldn't really work, but then tonight he tells the kids that there may not be many more Wednesday visits because he's not going to be able to afford the gas when he has to pay more child support. SS and SD both came home upset by that. If he wants to watch them he'll have to make that trip three to four times a week. Really? He's complaining about one for goodness sake. All I could do was tell them I'm sorry for how they are feeling, and that things will work out.

Helped W out today by going over to her place to receive her new washing machine. Turns out the supply faucets both leak. Simply told her about the issue and left it, no advice or guidance. She asked me if I could fix it and I told her it's beyond my plumbing pay grade (which is a very low grade) and something I'm not comfortable doing. She'll either have to live with the very slow leak or get the landlord to replace. She's managed to piss off the landlord already so she's afraid to go that route.

SD was touched that I put so much effort into fixing up a spot for her in my house. That felt good.

W just picked up the kids. We talked for a little bit about the XH and kids thing. I cried when they left. I love seeing the kids so much, but separating every day is really hard. I don't know if this arrangement is the right decision, but it's also very early to decide anything.

Over the past few months I've told myself that I would wait a year before trying to date anyone, etc... but that seems so damn long to me right now. Not that I'm eager to get out of the gate right now, but a year seems really long. So I've decided I'll wait three months and then re-evaluate how I feel. That doesn't mean in three months I'm back in... it just means in three months I'll take my temperature. It allows me to stop fixating on it right now. I know that right now it's fear of being alone for the rest of my life that's driving these thoughts. So 90 days I'll take a look and see. Who knows what the world will look like. If you'd asked me in June of last year I never would've said my marriage would be falling apart come September.

[figgeroni]

don't rush into dating


enjoy the alone time

get to know yourself

get to know your new role in your own life

you have to be content and happy alone before you begin to think about being with someone else

and you have to be ready to say goodbye to your family forever in order to be ready to date anyone else

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Figg... especially that last sentence, I hadn't thought of it that way.

Well today really sucked. I'm not good at this dark thing. I still feel completely lost at sea, striking out in any direction I can.

Worst part of the day was an unsuspected curveball from W's XH. W had filed for increasing his CS by $500/month. In her defense it is his legally prescribed share that he's never paid. Though she figured he'd be mad but just pay it and be an a$$. Nope. He came at her today with a proposal that they share the kids 50/50, and he doesn't pay her any child support. So now he'll have SS and SD on the nights I have my S.

This means instead of seeing SS and SD 5-6 afternoons/evening out of every 14, I'll see them 2-3. I'll still see SS at least every other Saturday for our volunteer group. But overall I'm pretty heartbroken. I had to leave the conference I was at today for a while because I simply broke down when I got the news via email. At one point I needed to apologize to my W for the tone of my email... I'm just so hurt and angry right now. I'm odd man out... and best I can tell I'm the only one who seems to have the fundamental interests of the kids at the root of my actions. W is pulling them all over because "she needs to do this." XH is doing this to avoid paying child support. Yes, I'm sure part of my motivation is to assuage my own guilt over how this is affecting them, but it is also because I love them and they love me too. But since I have no real standing I get to sit on the sideline. W promised that she will do whatever she has to so I see them at least twice a week. Great. That's an awesome consolation prize.

So that made the day suck. This morning W called me as I was on my way to work. I don't know why I even answered other than I'm programmed to answer when my W calls. I didn't even think about it... it's just automatic. I had gotten much better at not answering near the end of her time in the house, so I'm not sure why I've suddenly regressed so badly. This marks the third morning in a row she's called me (in my defense the first morning I thought it was my son calling and yesterday morning I was asleep when she called and I can't see jack without my glasses). While the last two morning calls came under a pretext of some kid issue (and then went on to a longer discussion about how hard it is to get three kids ready for school) this morning's call was simply to vent about her XH. She even said that... "I'm just calling because I need to vent". Ummm, ok. Since I had already answered I listened and validated. Then after a bit I excused myself and ended the call.

A little later today she emailed me and asked me if I could take the kids on her next weekend with them. Her friends are hosting a music festival at their new restaurant and she wants to go. I'm sure "crush guy" will be there plus some of her FWB guys. And even if they weren't, it's her weekend. Thankfully I didn't have to decide - I had already committed to an out-of-town overnight event so it was very easy to say no. In fact SS is going with me to the event. Then my W asked if my mom could do it... I didn't even check, I just told my W that my mom couldn't either. She was curt and grumpy saying that she'll have to figure something out I guess. Guess you will.

So it was a hard day. This going dark thing is hard. Especially as raw as I am right now. I keep expecting W to call and say she was crazy, that she wants to come home. I know that won't happen but it's the crazy voice that sits in my head.

W just left after picking up SS and SD after work from my house. She asked if I could get kids from school tomorrow as she has to get a bikini wax done. Nope. Seriously? Then as she was leaving she said she'd be home in the evening and that I could call her and "we could talk about things." I don't think I'll be making that call. She's welcome to call me... though not sure if I'll answer.

Heart-breaking moment from today came as my SS and I were discussing the new arrangements where he will be at his dad's more. SS's observations was this... "[Me] do you think he's doing this because he wants to see us more, or because he just doesn't want to pay mom child support?"

Darn observant kids. I could only reply that answering that question requires me to know what his dad is thinking and I don't. That usually there isn't one answer to a question, but lots of answers that all play a role.

But what it must feel like to be a child support avoidance strategy. And it's all so frustratin, but it's the dance we're doing.

[2thepoint]

WHG - I think as bad as things are, you are doing the best you can, all things considered. Going dark is probably going to be the hardest. But it will get easier as time goes on.

When you talk about your W calling you to vent and asking for favors and other ridiculous stuff so she can do selfish things (i.e. party's and bikini waxes) I can't help but remember something you wrote several weeks ago abut your W's former H.

Something about when her car broke down, how he came to help her because he was in denial about the demise of their R and how your W sort of laughed at his desperation.

Don't let your W trap you into that type of behavior. Your W needs to realize that she has made her bed and needs to lie in it.

I am actually feeling anger towards your W's behavior! Is that rational?

Anyway, keep reading through Busto's thread and see the tactic he deployed when it came to managing his W's cake eating and how he set certain boundaries that ultimately led them to reconcile.

[Ctflor]

She asked if I could get kids from school tomorrow as she has to get a bikini wax done. Nope. Seriously?

Good. You are not the on call babysitter, you're their father.

Then as she was leaving she said she'd be home in the evening and that I could call her and "we could talk about things." I don't think I'll be making that call. She's welcome to call me... though not sure if I'll answer.

Start making more choices like this, making things with her on your terms. Be busy, busy, busy. I know it's hard to go completely dark with children involved, but, you can still do it. You can ask her to contact you ONLY if it is about the kids or an emergency. Tell her you are super busy, that you have things to do! Go dark and see what happens. She's very reliant upon you and seems to have some things worked out to her advantage.

[Ctflor]

Forgot to mention, my H didn't truly respond to me until I projected myself as busy, very preoccupied, happy, uninterested in him, and gone often. Become unavailable and often.

[workinghardguy]

S is struggling with all this right now. This morning he asked to talk to mom before school and to talk to his big brother. So I taught him how to use he phone to call mom so he could do it without my involvement.

Last night as I was tucking him in he may have said the most accurate statement ever..., "Daddy, divorces are no fun at all.".

Last night I was mulling over asking my W if she would be ok with me providing cell phones to SS and SD. I would pick up the cost and plans. But it's about the only way I can think of maintaining frequent contact with them, even if by text message, especially now that they'll be at their dad's place half of the time

Normally I wouldn't seek my w's permission, but since they're not my kids I feel it's appropriate to ask first.

[figgeroni]

I wouldn't...kids that young can't be expected to be super responsible with cellphones and neither your wife nor her ex husband can be trusted with them

maybe good old fashioned snail mail pre-addressed postcards with stamps and you make a point of sending one a week to them at their moms...get some made up that are pictures of you all having a good time or places you have been or places you want to go or things they like or funny animals etc...then they can decorate their rooms with them too


we did this with Cori's daughter when she moved back in with her mom...we made one of those corkboard things that are covered with fabric and then send her letters every week. We also bought her her own stationary (which she thought was pretty cool) and encouraged her to send us letters etc (all pre-stamped)

I also would not encourage your son to call his mom etc on nights he is with you...

I understand it is new but it also smacks of wallowing
and
the longer that sentiment lasts, the longer it feels that way

it is sad but there are also fun and good things and it is OK to focus on those too...

let her miss him those nights...she chose that

you are not the babysitter
your mom is not her babysitter

she has to find those on her own now

[workinghardguy]

Thanks for the idea Figg... it actually jarred loose an idea I had in my head a while back about actually writing the kids letters and mailing them. I think it was around Valentine's Day when I saw how excited they were to get cards in the mail from my mom and at the same time heard a report on the demise of postal mail and old fashioned letter writing. I'm just a tech guy so my first thought goes to that. But I like the letter idea better (and it's way cheaper! )

I don't encourage my S to call. I only have him call if he asks to, at least for now. I suspect as he adapts that will trail off. Most nights she calls, and I don't feel I should impede that.

I know I'm not her babysitter, nor is my mom. The pact I've made with myself is that I will only take the kids on my terms. For example, I'm going out of town for a week-long work trip on Monday. This weekend is S's weekend with my W. I asked my W if it would be ok if I took all the kids for a while on mid-afternoon Sunday until bedtime. We're going to go swimming, go out to dinner, and then S will spend the night at my house so I can take him to school in the morning. She was agreeable to it. She then said I could take them Saturday and Sunday if I wanted so she could unpack more. Nope... I have plans Saturday. Well, how about take S with you and he can spend time with grandma when you and SS go to our volunteer group? Nope. Told my mom it's not my weekend so she made other plans.

[workinghardguy]

I'll tell you what will drive you crazy... sitting here trying not to think about what your family is doing. Wondering if your W is starting to feel your absence. Knowing full well you feel hers. Wanting to do something to trigger her thoughts of you so you know she will feel it.

And knowing that you can't and shouldn't do anything about it except live your own life.

It's like you know what you should do even though it's not fun to do it. I'm sure it gets better. Right now though it just plain suxx.