As I understand things, its in our male dna to get "comfortable" when we perseve things to be going good. It's a shame.
I am missing my old stomping grounds. Had 1,300 acres of family owned land with 4 miles of river frontage to roam around on every chance I got. Grew up there and know every nook and krany.
I am new school archery. I have great respect for old school. I want to build my own bow out of a bois d arc stave one day. (nice GAL)
Had a house on 3 acres of our own. Not a neighbor in sight. We still have 20 acres where we were going to build one day.
Now we live in a jam packed neighborhood. (sigh) I miss the old place.
How are things with you and W now, after confrontation?
Well T^2, they are slowly getting better. She was completely shut down for a few days after. She has not "admited" any wrong doing on her part. I believe the EA is still alive and well. But she has started talking to me more. Just about work and life. Nothing about our life or M or R. I am optimisticly waiting. As we all are. Being the best me I can be in the mean time.
I am glad she has not brought up D. But I am preparing for it. Just gonna say "yes, ok, I hear you." if/when it comes up. Not gonna fight it. It will hurt like he!!, but I believe that should be my response per DB.
She said once shortly before ILYBNILWY that she could go for years living as roomates. Not her exact words, but something like that. I believe she wants to appear to be M for our S. I don't know where she is now. Maybe that gives time for my changes to take hold.
I am scared. I know the stats are not in my favor. About 80% of D filed by women. And I believe that its 80% of women who want out never change their mind.
I can't control that. Just me. And I'm doing a better job with that each day.
She hasn't moved out yet....good. You are talking to each other...good.
Get those changes/180's/etc cemented in, and next time SHE brings up R talk, if your haven't done so already, get a laundry list of your failings in the M from her POV (no defense), write them down (shows you really are taking her seriously...yes, I know you do, you know you do, but it can't hurt...)
I wouldn't stress on stats too much because I found it can drag me down and mess with PMA...there are other stats which show different outcomes...I am a numbers guy, stats can lie.
What does your gut/intuition say?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My failings: 1) I don't listen. Not like women listen to each other. When she came at me with her problems, I came up with solutions. Her stories would seem to get her so riled up it would get me anxious.
180-Just listen. She is very bright and can handle her own problems without me. She will ask if she wants to know what I think.
2) I criticize her. I took every opportunity to let her know when she let me down. Didn't tell her thank you enough. (This one went both ways.)
180-Let her know my appreciation for the things she does right. Let the other bs go.
3) Not enough quality time. We got so wrapped up in life we didn't make time for each other. Any free time we had we spent doing our own thing.
180-If she wants me to go shopping or see family or whatever. Anything she wants to do together, just do it. Be happy while doing it.
4) Always negative. There were many times when I would play devil's advocate. Not even believing in my side of the argument. Just putting it out there for the sake of conversation.
180-Don't do that. My family did it and it was considered ok. Kind of a fun debate. It drives her nuts. No need to make an argument when there is none.
I will put "I am sorry you feel that way" in my tool box.
Did she see you write those down? When I did it showed W that I was taking her very seriously and not trusting that I wouldn't forget what she said.
I have the same fix-it problem, it really got pointed out to me by my kids..."Dad, we don't bring our problems to you because you don't let us find our own solutions"...ouch...OUCH!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
If we didn't have S? She would be long gone and never look back. She said so. Can't say I wouldn't be gone too.
But that is hypothetical.
Real world? My gut says she still wants out but can't tear the family apart yet. I will take that. It is exactly how I feel... ATM.
S is our pride and joy. I am a great father, she says so. She is a great mother, I say so. He is so confident, bright, and fun. We have not failed him yet. We both know the destruction a D would bring to his life.
That said. I don't want to continue like this. I am commited to doing my part to make our M lasting and better than ever. For us and him. Just takes changes and lots of patience.
She says "I have told you this stuff before". I just sat there with my pad and pen and validated that yes she had. She told me after rolling her eyes. She seemed to not be so put off by it after the list got rolling along.
