Is she saying she is done? No. But we have not talked about M or R. I have not brought it up. It is hard but I know that it must be on her time.
Did she tell me the games came from this dude? No. It was an assumption. But a good one. She did tell S that the boy was 10. That is how old his son is.
How did it make me feel about the games? I did not make a deal out of it outwardly but inside I was a pi$$ed. You know the male thing. Gifts are normal for friends and family but this dude is not my friend. Not my S friend either. How does this even come about you know.
What do I think about this? It is low. To put that in my face. Here S mommys special friend wanted you to have these. Ugg. She did not say that but it is how I interpret it.
What if it were reversed? I would have said thanks but no thanks. We just had christmas and a b-day. He has 6 new games and we spend enough time playing this stuff already. You should take them to the pawn shop or ebay or someting and buy your S something nice with the $.
We were alleating breakfast the next morning. S was pumped about the new games and had one at the table looking at it while eating. I said we should write the boy a nice note to say thank you. S said or we could go see him today and say thanks. W said I don't think so. I don't know where he lives.
I could tell she was uncomfortable. That was very telling. I fully believe there is an A.
While helping S brush his teeth I saw some new perfume. It was expensive. The only perfume my W has gotten since forever has been from me. I believe this was a gift as well. Probably valentines. She was gone. We didn't get each other anything and it wasn't even mentioned. No happy v-day. No I love you. Nothing. I believed this to be the right move considering LRT.
I also noticed a parking pass for a resort in her car. The resort is 4hrs away and on the beach. The departure date says 2/06. She was gone to a meeting 1/31 thru 2/2. Don't know what to make of this. The meeting and hotel she said she was at is over 2 hrs away. That and the date on the permit expiring at a time when she was at home every nite is confusing.
The last time we had relations is 2/4. It was just business. Now I feel at risk for stds.
I can honestly say I have NEVER had an A.
We met in college. I was plastered the nite we met. I am suprised she gave me the time of day. I asked her out after a few more chance meetings. We dated alot for a couple months. No sex and I always treated her like a lady. I couldn't get enough of her. She stayed over a few times. She left one morning after a sleepover and I cooked breakfast. Then she fell off the radar. I called a few times and no answer. I got the point pretty quick.
I moved on. Saw her a few times on campus and smiled but that was it. I graduated and she was still in school. She called me a couple times out of the blue. I could tell something was wrong but we just talked and caught up. It was nice. I told her to call anytime she liked as I enjoyed talking to her. I never figured anything more would come of us. I moved and had no thoughts of her at all until about a year later she calls. She wants to meet me and have dinner or something. I was dating but no one in particular. I said thanks but I'm pretty busy. She says well call me some time. I didn't. But I thought of her alot. This woman was great. We had so much fun together. I was falling in love before. But she left me with a bad taste and no explanation. She calls two weeks later and asks me out again. I say yes and well the rest is history.
I found out later that the times she called out of the blue before she was being abused. Her new man would slap her around. She wanted to come running to me then she just couldn't make herself do it. I also found out that her father may have slaped her mom around. She has not gone into details but the next wife filed charges on him for it.
I have never laid a hand on her. I haven't shaken her, held her against her will nothing. My father was a great role model. I saw no bad behavior from him. He and my step-mom never even argued in front of us.
My mother,I have seen her abused by other men and her abuse them verbally. She was sexually abused as a child by her father. She turned into an addict and od'ed on meth before me and my wife ever met. I was 20. We had little contact since I was about 10. She isolated herself in the drug abuse. I never cried over it. I was already jaded and saw it coming for many years.
I dabled in drug abuse myself. Smoked pot daily from age 17 to 25.Grew out of it I guess. It no longer did anything for me. I haven't touched anything since. I do drink, not daily or weekly even. I don't get drunk except once a year on a fishing trip with my best buds. We all get pretty tanked on the opening night and sit around the fire talking bout the good old days and what happened last year and how life is going. Good times.
So thats more history than you probably wanted. I do love this woman. I wanted to spend the rest of my days with her. We are a good match as she has many strong traits that I do not and vice-versa. Through my research and reading this all has happened through no fault really. We both want, or wanted as the case may be, the same thing. Just communication breakdown and resentment has led us here. Reading "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" and "Mars and Venus" books as well as DR. So much makes sense about what went wrong.
Oh and one more tid bit. She confided in me years ago that her mom has had a OM as long as W can remember. I think more than one. One OM called my W to check up on her mom just before she passed.
Does that make this feel normal for her? That it is ok?
The thing that worries me most is my W's personality. She is very determined. When she sets her mind to something she WILL do it. She was valadictorian. Won awards at college. Worked full time during college. Is the youngest person and the only female to ever hold her current position with the company.
If she has made up her mind about D she may never reconsider.
I can't control that. I get it. Just work on DB for me. If she notices then thats good. If not then thats good too.
So I know she has/is lying to me about people, places, and things. Most of it is just not telling me about it.
I am doing very well with my LRT. I have sure wanted to bust her out a few times but it will not produce an outcome that helps me feel better about me.
So the Q is. Do I ever get answers? Do I want them?
They will never be the whole truth will they?
I can choose to put it behind me if or when she chooses to work on the R. Seek a C. Work through it there. Or just be done with it. Is that how it goes?
On a positive note our first interaction yesterday was her joking that she forgot to pick up S. Its been a while since she has played around with me.
Another weird thing. I got a job offer in a town an hour away. Told her about it. She said we could move there. So there is that. A mention of us.
Oh. If sex comes up. How do I handle that? I should not persue it. But if she does. What then? I have needs but would want to use protection. That could set her off. We have not used any since marriage.
Probably ahead of myself on that last one but I want to be prepared just in case.
Journaling. We had a nice talk tonight. She came home and got alot off her chest about work. Mad about this and that and stress and so on. I just listened as I have learned from various sources that is all she wants. Not answers to her problems. She just needs to air them out and she can and will come up with her own solutions. She talked about some major health issues a family member is having. Anyway best talk we have had in weeks and I didn't even speak for the most part (a real 180 for me as I always wanted to tell her how to FIX her problems in the past). No R issues have been discussed but small progress nonetheless.
Journaling. W left this morning to go on another out of state business trip. She will be back Fri nite. I helped her with her bags. She says put them in the back seat as the trunk is full. Well suspicion got the best of me and she had gone back inside to put her face on. So I checked the trunk. It is not full. There is some liquor in there though. My W is not a drinker. Sure she will have one while eating out or at a friends house. I have never seen her drunk. I have tried on aniversaries or b-days or date nite in the past to get her tipsy. She will nurse 1 drink for 2hrs. Well what alarms me is the bottle is near empty. Also there is a large bottle of wine. Not the gallon size but not regular size either. It is 3/4 full. I do feel bad about checking. But my hunch she was hiding something was correct.
I don't say anything. I close the lid. I am crushed. All these images go thru my mind. I can feel my pulse. Like my body twitches with each beat. I kinda get tunnel vision.
I gather myself and see her off. I smile and say be careful.
We have not touched in a couple weeks. I mean she backs against the wall when we meet in the hall. After we ML a few weeks back I tried to be more affectionate the next day. After reading sandi2's original stuff I realize I moved too fast. My W let me know that too. She gave me the evil eye when I tried to hug her the next day. I have since respected her and I too back against the wall. When she talks I listen, make eye contact, and say uh huh. That is the best part of our interaction now. It's not much but I am hanging on to something while trying to figure out if I can ever trust this b again. Which I DO NOT right now.
I understand my fault in this. She did the vast majority of the house work before we moved. And did a great job of it. My clothes were washed, dishes, floor, bathrooms, everything. I did the cooking and outside work but that was it really. She would ask for help but I was tired. I'll do it later. I would leave in the morning and sometimes forget something and come back in to get it without taking my boots off. (she insists on leaving your shoes at the door.) This would leave dried mud or the mixture of it and dew on the tile. I'd rush back out never noticing and she'd clean it up. Instead of always saying yes ooooh i like that when she'd buy herself some new clothes I'd give my honest opinion. Sometimes I liked them sometimes I didn't. But she always looked great. Thats all I should have said. Instead of thanking her for the many many things she did to love me, I would critisize her for the very few things that T'd me off. What a good woman I had. Bad thing is at the time I thought I was a good man. I came home every nite. I worked hard. I bought her gifts and did sweet things occasionaly. I told her I loved her every morning and every nite. But the every day me was just there. I should have loved her better.
I grew resentful because anytime we got in to it I always said I'm sorry first. That I was wrong and she was right. She holds a grudge. Stays mad for a few days after any altercation. Stays mad even after I say sorry. This is over SMALL stuff. I get over things quickly. After 10 minutes I am ready to make up. Not her. She wants to stay mad. So I kinda grew into her style. We would just stay mad for a few days. I'm not giving in. If she wants to be hard headed so can I. That sort of thing. She did say she's sorry once and she meant it. It was monumental. I felt high on the mountain. Why did I do that. I felt better when I tried to make up quickly even if she did not come around for a few days.
A smack in the head or a pat on the back. Either would be appreciated. I have no one to bounce things off of. I do not wish to include friends or family. Not a good recipe.
Am I doing ok? Other than snooping. Which I got what I asked for.
If we had not just recently moved 800 miles away from home I would. There is not a doubt in my mind.
I am unemployed because of the move. So there is that.
I could go back home. Get my old job back (boss calls weekly to see how I'm liking it out here. Says the door will always be open).
I would have to take S with me. She does not have a routine that is condusive to child rearing. That puts 13hrs of hard driving between a mother and son. Might wake her up but most likely she will hate me for it. Most importantly S misses mom already because of her overnite travels. It would be too much to bear to see them apart so much. So that is what is keeping me here for now.
I feel like I am enabling by staying. I feel like I would destroy my family if I go. I feel like I am using her while I don't have work. I feel like she is using me for childcare only.
I hope I hear something soon about a job I feel like I will get. Work there for a month or so and if A continues move out then.
Maybe this is Gods way of keeping me here to work on myself and gain a stronger M. I just don't know anymore which way to turn.
Also there is this Q. Should I try to contact OM's wife. I can see how it would be right to tell her. I can also see it might destroy her family. And how that would be wrong. I have enough hard evidence that makes W and OM relatiionship an EA at the least.
Sounds like you are doing pretty well, an ebook that helped me specifically in the A arena with W's first dive down the mlc tunnel was "Break Free from the A...." (google it, and clear your history afterwards...). it meshes well with DB philosophy, imho.
STOP SNOOPING!!!! I KNOW, easier said....
One thing that I did was really get down deep into my mind and guts whether the A was/is a deal breaker, if I could truly forgive, and if the pain would be/is worth the chance at a better R (I chose "yes"). REALLY go there, for YOU.
Just treat her as your best friend, love from a distance, and know that most affairs last less than a year.
What are you doing for GAL, for you?
Did you find out about the job yet (I might have missed that)?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Also there is this Q. Should I try to contact OM's wife. I can see how it would be right to tell her. I can also see it might destroy her family. And how that would be wrong. I have enough hard evidence that makes W and OM relatiionship an EA at the least.
NO! NO!! and NO!!!
Unless you REALLY want a divorce ASAP.
It makes you look bad, imho...(yes, I have been and still am tempted, but stop myself).
It will not help, at all.
I will write more later.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
