deployment to divorce 1

[31nheartbroken]

Thanks! It does explain everything!!

I know he's not himself and he has completely skewed our relationship in his mind. Claiming we hadn't been getting along for a long time. Just trying to rationalize his actions!

Right now I am angry enough that I feel like I hate him. I know that in time that will pass and I will at least feel indifference, so we can co-parent.

[MrBond]

Sorry about the recent news. IMHO you can still save your M if you want to. My W was in an A with her boss and it took me awhile to get over that. It's a hard ship to steer, but you can do it.

If you decide to let it go, then you are still the stronger woman because you decided to fight for what's right. It's always easier to tear things down than build things up and your H took the coward's way.

[31nheartbroken]

111:

They both appear to be very "in love" with each other. More like lust in my opinion. Making plans for a future, living together, etc.

Oh, don't forget how sh!$$y it gets considering the fact that she is in the Navy (not sure if she is reserve or something) and he is Officer, they worked together on deployment and started the relationship over there (can anybody say, "big pile of trouble for H if it gets out").

Definately getting a lawyer and filling him in on the sitch to see what he recommends I do.

[31nheartbroken]

Well, hoping no more, and proceeding with what needs to be done!

Once I was forced to face the truth about OW I was done. Done with the R and want out.

Did some calling around today and found out he can't file in FL cause they don't have jurisdiction. So, NC it is and that leaves the 1yr sep. So, maybe it's a blessing. It can't be rushed and no matter how bad he wants it we absolutely will not be D by May. Soonest it can happen Will be beginning of Jan 2013. So, I guess whether I want it to be over or not, it's not over! Not completely anyway!

He can still see her, but he won't be marrying her anytime soon anyway (if that's what he's after).

You guys would all be very proud of me though. DBing, standing up for myself, forcing him to call instead of text .

1. He threatened, again, to just file and let the courts decide and that I probably wouldn't get alimony anyway. I said ok, fine, do what you need to do. I said I told you I wasn't ready to put it on paper yet, but if he needed to file go ahead. Of course, he backed off.

2. He doesn't know he can't file in NC, so earlier he says we can file in NC, but you won't get as much money and they can't divide my retirement. He said he was trying to be nice by filing in FL to give me more. I said you don't have to do me any favors. He said well I didn't want to leave you and the kids high and dry. I said we won't be because I'll be taking care of us. He didn't say anything else.

3. I have still been mostly dark, but a little grey. He texted me Wed, Thu, and today (about tax info we are waiting on and of course asked other info too). I didn't reply on Wed, replied to 1 out of 5 texts on Thu, and 4 out of 9 today. He did finally call first earlier today. Then he texted and finally asked if he could call again.

He continued to try to get me to get a roommate, tell me how to get a job, badger me about trying to stay here in our house, things he's giving me, etc. (I admit I was taken in on this because I argued back instead of just saying to call me back when he could stop trying to force me to do things because it's not gonna work. NEXT TIME!! )

He is trying to get out of giving me any money other than the child support.

I'm feeling really good today!! Yay me!! Big, big, big giant steps!! I have truly let go!

[Oneeleven]

I'm prob going to catch flack for this but I find it so disgusting what your h is doing. And he hasn't been much of a parent for a long time either.

I hear endless stories of deployed soldiers cheating. People say it's exagerated but I'm begining to doubt that it is.

With the huge increase of women serving and longer tours, it makes sense.

Im so sorry your h is letting you down like this. And letting your children down

[purgatory]

Wow!! Impressive!!

As long as you are comfortable with the ways things are going- than I'm happy for you!

I would take it as a blessing disguise that you have to do the 1yr separation.... It will give time for the 'newness' to wear off and H and OW can see what real life is like. Deployment is like being in a bubble- the realities of daily schedules, separate job commitments, his child responsibilities and not to mention it will be more of a challenge to hide their fratnerzation in a populated military towns are a going to be felt with and they may discover it's not all sunshine and roses stateside. She's been used to having his undivided attention... Now he has his job to do and he will have to have time with the kids... Wonder how she's goin to handle 'sharing' him?

I know you say it's over- and I'm in awe of how you're handeling it! But, there may be a chance down the road that he will ask to come back (when OW reveals herself) what will you say? FWIW, I might have already gone to his command with the proof of his fraternization (as long as I had made plans for myself and the kids b/c there will most likely be financial repercussions).... but it's something to keep in your back pocket of he continues to bully or hardass you

[31nheartbroken]

111:
Yes he is way out in left field somewhere. TOTAL MLC!!!! Sooooo far from himself right now!! He and I used to always talk about how lucky we were to have each other and that we could trust that neither of us would do something like that. He used to tell me about all of the "dear john" stories and guys coming home from deployment to another man in their house. Used to tell me about the dirtbags that were out with hookers on deployments too! It's definately disgusting. He knows better and I thought he'd be the last person to do something like this. Guess MLC truly makes you the opposite.

Caring, loving, level headed, respectable, makes good choices to angry, hateful, manipulative, lying, irresponsible, makes very very bad choices!!

Purg:
I would've much rather had things go differently, but they haven't and I have no idea how long this "thing" has been going on. Obviously there was some overlap with their R and his sentinments to me about loving me, missing me, and so ready to be home! So, it will be a very, very, very long time before I can ever trust him again! It's gonna take me a really long time to trust any man!

I am happy about the 1year sep because it won't be done in May when he was so adamant about! Too bad so sad! It will also put extra pressure on any kind of false R they have right now! (I would love to see it crash and burn)

I totally agree with you about the reality of "life" setting in for both of them. It takes special people to be able to deal with the demands of the Navy and the strain it puts on good relationships, much less one that was built on lies and deception.

He will never want to take her to meet the family or any of his previous friends. They will never ever ever want to tell anyone how they met because it would raise much criticism and they, especially he, will feel very ashamed, eventually! I'm sure he already does to some extent.

Right now, if he comes back, I would want no part of it. It will take a very, very long time to build trust and see him as someone I would want to be back with.

The night I found out I was soooo ready to take it to his command, but cooler heads prevailed. I do want him to know I know and I want him to be punished in some way, but I don't want the kids and I to suffer financially. I do however have their sitch in my back pocket, for a rainy day!! Oh, I also have something in my other pocket too..............In NC, you can sue the third party and maybe even have their name published, a little humiliation!! Just in case I need it!!

I am sure though, when he finds out that I know and that I know it is fraternization, he is gonna flip out and probably be extremely embarassed and ashamed!! I think he will back off from her a bit because once he realizes "the important people" could potentially find out, it's gonna scare the s&!t out of him! He thinks he's free and clear and now that they are back in the US no one will find out! How wrong were they!!

[labug]

He said he was trying to be nice by filing in FL to give me more. I said you don't have to do me any favors. He said well I didn't want to leave you and the kids high and dry. I said we won't be because I'll be taking care of us. He didn't say anything else.

When he starts talking this way it might be better to walk away. Don't say anything you might regret.

[purgatory]

I'm soooooo sorry! I just re-read my post and "hardass" was supposed to be "harass"... I hope you figured it out. And if not, than I hope you got a giggle out of it like I did!

[31nheartbroken]

This is gonna be a really really long one!! Sorry, got some venting and thoughts!!

Ok, so he was over yesterday. Gathered some things, printed some papers for his school (needed my help), filled out some papers, argued with me (sorry I bought in but kept my cool for the most part, tried not to raise my voice) about my job sitch, told me AGAIN what he was offering for the D (I just said "I hear you", but didn't acknowledge D talk), was mad cause I said I wanted the car back and the truck wasn't as pristine as the car (first time, when he took off to FL, I had the car tank full, oil changed, and detailed. NOT THE TRUCK NOT THIS TIME, I OWE HIM NOTHING!!!).

He also complained about money. He recently told me to get a bank acct so he could transfer money, we have no agreement yet so no money transfer is gonna happen. Anyway, I got a bank acct on my own and have been putting little bits of money in. Made a cake for someone yesterday and got a $40 check, so I deposited in my acct. The following discussion concerning the money shows me I am in a no win sitch with him right now.

H: how much did you get
M: 40
H: what are you gonna do with it
M: i don't know, why
H: no reason

he goes out to do something and comes back in

H: cause i need gas
M: i said it was a check so i dep into my acct, but can get it if you need it
H: (very, pi$$y) no, that's fine, it's your money, i'll just figure something out
M: i said its not MY money
H: yes it is YOU earned it (still mad)
M: i said it's not MINE because we are still living out of one acct
H: i'll just figure something out
M: if you need it i can go get it
H: no
M: how much is in your acct
H: couple hundred
M: then you should have enough to get you through the next couple of days, nothing else should come out
H: if you don't go spend anymore
M: i don't need anymore til you get paid again

makes me so mad cause he is hassling me about money when he blew who knows how much on OW in FL. Almost 1100 taken in cash, randomly, throughout the month he was there!! Not to mention all the other food and whatnot!! UGH!!! And he had the audacity to threaten me, on the phone at least, on Fri telling me he was gonna take my name off the acct and transfer money to me. I said no, we don't have an agreement and if you do that I will get a lawyer. He said well you can't keep waisting money, I said on what, he says I don't know...walmart $30 here $30 there, I said are you serious..... it was for ranch and different stuff for your kids!! He hushed!!

He asked for his bills, why I don't know, I still pay them right now. I got quiet and thought, then said Kays (he spent almost $900 on that card in FL) and a few others, so I went and got them. Handed them to him (i have never asked about the kays) he was walking around doing some stuff and felt the need to say "if your wondering what that charge is...." I cut in and said what charge, he said "the kays it was a necklace for my mom" (i thought to myself are you kidding me 900 for your mom, he never gets anything that expensive for his mom EVER!!), I said, "oh, i don't give a crap, it's your card" (now i know that i should have said something different, but i was irritated cause he was flat out lying). He didn't know what to say when I said that and looked at me funny!

**Should I have said something like "oh, ok. Well, thank you for letting me know"

I have been very grey with him for about a month. He is the only one who initiates communication right now. He has finally started calling me and not just texting.

**Do I try to initiate any kind of communication or do I just continue to leave it where it is. (It's getting the effect I wanted so, I guess that means "if is working keep doing it?")

As the days have passed since I got 100% confirmation on OW and the overlap of the R's, I have been through a stream of emotions: EXTREMELY angry, mildly angry and disgusted, VERY betrayed and a little less angry, feel like i hate him, slightly hate him slightly angry, to now... pretty much indifferent. I mean I totally suspected it to begin with, so the only thing left was to find out it was going on longer than I thought and that he TOTALLY betrayed me. I don't think that there is anything any worse that I could find out at this point. Unless he's been doing this stuff to me all along!!!

So, now, I know I have said I am completely done, but I think I need to reevaluate my meaning of done.

I was give an extension on the D itself by learning he has to file in NC and I am pretty sure given the circumstance of H and OW R, he will cut it off or back off when he knows I know. He is gonna be scared to death that he will get turned in to the Navy. Again, this is good because I have so much proof that I could realistically turn him in. So, he backs off from her, grieves that loss, then has a few months to come visit the kids and see me without the interference of this OW. Maybe, his feelings for me start to show back up??

I would not jump for joy if they did and, right now at least, I don't think I would be interested (I still feel in my heart that it is meant to be someday). Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. If his feelings for me did start to show back up and I was genuinely disinterested, maybe he would try harder and be willing to do all of the things neccesary to build a NEW relationship with me. (lots of time, friendly family time, dating, still living apart, counseling, etc.)

So, my reevaluation of my words DONE: this means I have COMPLETELY let go, COMPLETELY given it to god, and COMPLETELY given up the hoping. I have FINALLY realized that it will be what it will be and I will no longer do things for myself and the kids with the slight expectation that he will notice. H will no longer be in my thoughts when it concerns things the kids and I do!! He will, however, always be in my thoughts and I still realize 15 years is a lot of history!

So, now I just go to a lawyer next week and see what I need to do to get a separation agreement prepared, H still thinks he's gonna file in FL and has given me until the second week in March to put things on paper, LOL!!! Won't he be shocked when he sees we're doing it in NC. He thinks NC doen't have jurisdiction over his retirement beacause he thiks he's a FL resident. Hahaha, FL says no he's not and NC says he's a resident there so, guess what........... they do have jurisdiction over his retirement!!! He'll be very surprised. Plus at the point we sit done to prepare the sep agreement the sh1t will hit the fan when OW is exposed (I'm just gonna look at him and smile). He is gonna be white as a sheet!!!! I can't wait to see the look on his face. It will completely gratify the rollercoaster of emotions. Oh, I also can't wait til he finds out I have three years to sue her if I want!!! I'll be flexting my strong girl muscles thinking, uh huh, you thought you put one over on me. He should know by now, I alwys find out!!!

**Part of me wonders if his subconscious made him leave the FB logged in. Like he needs to be found out in order to face the reality of the sitch and be forced to stop!! (it was thrown in my face, I didn't snoop and haven't in a long time. I had absolutely no choice in this one!)