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#2223907 - 02/21/12 12:38 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Kimmerz,

Speaking from experience, it's a struggle totally detaching when you have kids. Mine were very young as is one of yours and that makes it even harder. I don't know what the laws are in your state concerning a domicillary parent relocating but if you feel that's what you need to do I say go for it. You can't be there for your kids if you're falling apart at home. It's hard enough on them to see one parent in crisis.

"You've got to save yourself first" (Old lifeguard saying)
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#2224056 - 02/21/12 09:50 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: sleeper]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Sleeper, if this isn't the truth! I just found out my D9 has a hip condition and will more than likely have to get an operation to correct it! Apparently it's not a severe condition, but either way hearing your little one needs surgery to fix it is hard and scary!

I need their Dad now and she needs him. Yes it's hard when you could use some support, especially when it's with this specific person you created this child with.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2224064 - 02/21/12 10:15 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Kimmerez,

My son recently had surgery on both ankles (in the past three months) and is currently recovering from the last (they do one, then the other so the patient can be on crutches and not bed-ridden).

Why do you need his dad? (insurance, care etc)

Why does your D "need" him?

One parent can do much alone.
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#2224076 - 02/21/12 11:17 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: sleeper]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Sleeper thanks so much for you sharing that. You're poor son! Did he handle the surgery ok? This is the first time either one of my girls has had something serious like this so Im kinda freaked out. It's true when it's your own kids it's a whole new ball of wax. I work with sick and dying people all the time, no problem. I've watched them decline, let go, and slip away before my eyes. I've administered morphine to make it easier. but my baby needs pins so she can run and play, and Im a mess!

No I do not need him for anything. It's the attatchment standing up and actually me wanting his support that has me saying that....now that I think about it.

Does D need him, well no I guess not.

I have the insurance cards for the girls.

I guess it's my expectations again.

He's been acting so passive lately. Passive remarks that just drive me crazy. He's gone from being direct and telling me when he wants the kids for the week to now " I forgot, are they staying with me, or do you want them home this week?" Or " I can take the girls if you want". I have never asked him to keep them home on his days to see them. Is this his way of saying he doesn't really want them and trying to get me to say let them stay home with me? Why does he talk as if he's treated like a babysitter all the sudden? Very odd.

A few weeks ago he didn't even ask for the kids. When I asked him why, he said " I knew it was your day off so I didn't bother asking". Did he really not want them?

Do these people actually still have some attatchments to us, and that's why they may spew, just as I get angry and frustrated because I have expectations due to attatchments I still have as well?

HMMm
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2224113 - 02/22/12 07:51 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18979
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,

I'm very sorry to hear about your little one, but she will come through the surgery w/flying colors. It's normal for you to be concerned and need her father for support, but he's not going to be any good to you as a supporter. Right now, she needs to sense that you are okay w/her surgery. She doesn't need any additional tension or stress. She needs to see that you are okay w/the surgery and will be her strongest supporter.

They do still have attachments to us. However, the sprewing is not only directed toward us, but anyone or anything that gets in their way. They spew at their co-workers, friends, family, pets, people driving along the highway. They can't control their emotions and that's why they spew like Mount Etna.

Keep in my, your xh wants you to do all of the work, i.e., planning/scheduling time for the children to see him, etc. That's why he is passive about the visitation...he wants you to be the one that screws up and gets the blame for him not seeing them or a miscommunication takes place. He's very good at his little passive dance w/you. Stop questioning yourself and set the vistation times/dates and stick w/them. Give him the schedule and go from there. If you don't, he'll continue this dance w/you until the children are grown.

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#2224139 - 02/22/12 09:33 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: job]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3010
Another reason he may be passive about the visitation is that he wants the kids to spend time with their mom. Guilt is a bi** and if OW is not that motherly, then he may actually see it as good that they are with their mom.

Don't count it as a bad thing if he wants them to spend time with you vs him. He may not be capable of parenting right now. He may never be. That is not the same as not wanting a relationship with the kids. It's him not being able to do it in a way you see as "normal".

Remind him its his reponsibility to remember the dates and times and to communicate to you the changes if needed. Don't be harsh on that one, K. Act in the best interest of your kids and be objective about that. These things will ebb and flow over time, but your kids don't need to get caught in that.

He may want you to screw up, but I'm not seeing that in your post. I'm not seeing what wants as mattering either. I see that your kids need your stability and you need to keep his emotions out of your head to do that.

I hope the surgery goes well. I'm sure it will smile

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2224144 - 02/22/12 09:51 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: AJM]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Another reason he may not appear that interested in his children is because he is depressed. My ex acts like yours when he cycles into depression. He then withdraws from the kids because he feels "useless" to them and just wants to focus on his woes.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#2224165 - 02/22/12 11:38 AM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: Kimmerz]
sleeper Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 1843
Loc: The Great State of Confusion
Quote:
Did he handle the surgery ok? This is the first time either one of my girls has had something serious like this so Im kinda freaked out


Yes he's done well, better than I expected, it was the first time one of my children need surgery so I understand your concern. We often joked he walked like Charlie Chaplin and didn't connect his complaints that his "feet hurt" when he played sports. Turns out it was his ankles hurting. Pediatrician missed the misalignment problem. Podiatrist told us it was a degenerative problem that would only get worse as he got older, window for treatment is 8-12 years of age (he's 10). It required wedge shaped implants so I understand your concern of your D needing pins.

Kids heal quickly and your D will key on your emotional response. Be strong for her. I was really worried my son might resist the second surgery after going through the first. To my surprise he was egar to get it over and had an "It's gotta be done" attitude.

Quote:
A few weeks ago he didn't even ask for the kids. When I asked him why, he said " I knew it was your day off so I didn't bother asking". Did he really not want them?


Mine went from being totally focused on our kids to wanting me to take them so she could party (especially with OM). In fact I had only been out of the house two days when she called asking if I could "take them for a while". No concern as to the fact I was newly in an apt with very sparse furnishings. I took them because I'd rather they be with me than a babysitter and I knew that's what she would have done. The reasons can vary but I suggest you stop trying to figure him out and think only of what is best for your children. Then do it.

Quote:
Do these people actually still have some attatchments to us, and that's why they may spew, just as I get angry and frustrated because I have expectations due to attatchments I still have as well?


They spew at us because it's safe and they have blamed us for all their unhappiness; past, present and future.
_________________________
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib
Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12
Bomb and OM 12/15/06
Separated 01/02/07
Divorced 05/13/08
X married OM(OMH) 08/2009
Married 06/09/13

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#2224238 - 02/22/12 03:13 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: sleeper]
tested metal Offline
Member

Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 330
Loc: ND
My W has always told me I am a really good father,(but apparently a crappy H) yet gives me the PA remarks when she creates a scheduling conflict for herself and says "I thought you would just want to spend time with your daughter." I have always stuck to the schedule and will continue to do so.

I called her out on her PA statement immediately and she just smiled. Now she hasn't really contacted me in weeks, except for yesterday when D got hurt and we had to evaluate whether she needed medical attention. She was pretty friendly then.

I guess my point is that PA remarks and horrible boundaries go hand in hand in this arena. The best you can do is do what YOU want to do, or what is in the kid's best interest.

If H can't figure out the schedule and offers the kids and you would like them, then take them. He is only hurting himself. The kids will atleast have one parent that cares enough about them to want to be with them and fight for them.

When/if he misses them enough, he will start minding the schedule. If he complains about "taking his kids away during his time", simply state that he offered them so you took them.

To protect yourself though, I would try to keep communication about the kids in writing as much as possible so that if it comes up in court, you are protecting yourself.
_________________________
M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12

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#2224314 - 02/22/12 07:53 PM Re: Parenting with an MLCer? [Re: tested metal]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Thank you everyone. No news from the Shriners hospital yet. Im anxious to hear when we need to go and what's all entailed. My baby will do fine. I hear it's a great place and we will be in good hands. Thanks for your support guys, I appreciate it so much.

Xh has D9 today and purchased her crutches and a wheelchair. I was informed of the wheelchair by D9. I will let xh know boundaries I want set with this wheelchair. He didn't ask me if it was ok, he just purchased it. I asked him to get the crutches today but not a wheelchair too. I understand his logic behind it. I then got a text message that he had to pay out of pocket for those crutches and it wasn't covered by an RX that we got for them from the pediatrician. I was told what he paid and that he will get refunded for them since he will return them when she's not needing them anymore. I got the idea he was a little miffed he paid for them. Yet it was his choice, we could've searched until an Rx was taken.

I sense he's getting ready to spew and irritable today. Ow is also with them on this outting. According to the kids she never goes anywhere with xh and kids during visitation, except for Christmas day. I wonder if having her there is making him tense? He seemed actually very sweet this morning until later when he picked up crutches with OW in tow.

Point taken he owns the crutches, and wheelchair. He's also very posessive over the bedding he purchased for the girls beds and was very insistant that they bring it back to his place and keep it there. The girls brought one comforter home a long time ago. Recently he told the girls it needs to be brought back. However it was to be washed before returning it because there might be cat hair on it from our house.

I called D9 to see how she was and heard xh and ow talking in the background as they were in the vehicle. My blood ran cold and I started to shake. However during the conversation I asked her what she was doing and where she was. D9 would ask them " where are we going now?"
All the sudden it would get quiet, they would stop talking. Gee guess they think Im going to hunt them down and try to kill somebody like her Xh did mine 4 years ago?

So as of now I feel like a fool. I feel like a fool because I was given so many mixed messages, and got so confused over what I still swear is MLc after bomb drop 9 months ago. Yet maybe Im the one that's got the problem. Here I am analyzing every step he makes, when maybe he really is trying to be nice and friendly and co-parent? I get the idea that spewing is normal with all divorcing couples? Im tired of analyzing everything, yet at the same time I have finally learned so much about xh, given the enlightement of MLC and Pa behavior, I feel like every interaction with him must be proceeding with the utmost caution, even when keeping it simple!

Im curious. ARe any of these OP that shack up with these MLCers nice, decent, and good people? ARe they as caring and loving as the LBS's are?

Can they be the type that will badmouth the LBS, and even help the Mlcer with demonizing us, just egging us along?

According to my kids she really doesn't get involed with them at all and doesn't act motherly to my girls. It more like she's there for him, but she doesn't really wish to get involved with the kids.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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