WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

And so it goes... pretty heartbroken right now. W just picked up S for his first overnight at her house. Barely kept it together saying good bye him. Got inside the house and just collapsed on the stairs and wept for a long time.

I know I have to validate this for my W's needs. Give her space. Let her do her thing. If it is meant to be she'll come back. And I KNOW that, but right now it just all seems to damn stupid. I'm so angry and bitter right now, but I just keep hiding it. PMA when she sees me, right? Tomorrow morning I'm busy at my son's school volunteering (it's a surprise for him). W will be here cleaning up the post-move out mess. I mean really...? That was her offer, not my request. And considering she left enough mess I'm not inclined to say no, but who does that? Maybe it's just her guilt and this is a way to assuage that... I don't know.

I feel like half of me is missing. I've almost forgotten how to not be married. I still love her and that makes all this that much harder.

Went all weekend with out communicating with her except for S calling her to say goodnight, and then I had him dial and hang up. I won't be here tomorrow. I need to move on with my life, but it will be hard. I miss her, the stepkids, my S sooo much.

I think part of this pain comes from a part of me seeing/hoping all this is temporary. That some day she'll find her way back. But moments like this drive home the reality and it just hurts.

This isn't to say that DR is failure. Good things have come from this. I remember how my W and I were interacting when she first dropped the bomb. Things are infinitely better now than then. We talk, we can laugh, we still communicate and share stories. We are still friends. That wasn't where we were six months ago.

And the self-realization that came with DR helped me save my R with my SS. That relationship is so much better than it was. I don't know that I would've had the wake-up call without DR, and frankly the added stress and anger of this may have completely destroyed anything with SS had I not had a realization.

My circle of friends has gotten better... though still a long, long way to go there.

My relationship with my S has also grown, but that's more due to GAL. We get out now and do things... this wasn't happening before DR/the bomb. On Friday we stopped into a pottery shop to pick up some things all the kids made for the new house. When we walked in there was his teacher with her family. She told him they were there because he told her all about it. All weekend he talked about how proud he was that his teacher went there and to another place on his recommendation.

So those are all good things. I just wish it hadn't gone down this way. I wish wasn't sitting in this big house all alone. I wish my heart was shredded right now.

[2thepoint]

Hey man, I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. the initial sting will pass after a few days and then you can really get down to DB'ng like crazy. See you can create all kinds of mystery through your GAL and don't for a second think that your W won't be interest, cause she will.

Sad as your sitch is, there was some good that has come out of it as you mention, (i.e. improved relationship with SS and strengthening relationship with the other kids, S and SD). Those are all positives. And they will only get better with time as the kids begin to contrast life with Dad vs. life with Mom.

Hang in there! Looking forward to you getting back to the boards after your self imposed hiatus.

[labug]

So sorry for your pain, WHG. Sometimes to feel deeply succks but imagine that same depth of emotion, only it's love. You can have that.

There's a poem by Mary Oliver that I often turn to, it's called The Journey. It's easily found through google.

[oldtimer]

(((((WHG)))))

Sorry for your pain. I'd suggest going dark. Your focus needs to be on YOU and taking care of yourself.

[workinghardguy]

Doing better in increments... still suxx a lot but adjusting.

To catch things up... (and soften the 2x4 that I'm sure someone is going to want to deliver) the weekend was good. Took S to a waterpark resort and had a lot of fun. He was one tired boy every night And having just him I was free to do more. We hit the buffet, the craft room, the toy store, and of course the waterpark. I had originally set a goal of not thinking about W moving out at all while with my S. That turned out to be unrealistic. So I settled for working hard to be in the present and going with the flow. It worked... I found myself sad and crying a few times, but very limited. The drive home Sunday though was tough.

Sunday was hard. Came home to a empty house and lots of missing stuff. SD's room was completely empty which was crushing. W stopped by and picked up S. SS and SD asked to come inside and give me a hug and say hi so we all hung out for a little bit. Then they left and I was really, really crushed. Cleaned a little, surfed the net, cried a lot and went to bed.

This morning I got up and couldn't start my car... so I walked over to S's school to surprise him. That didn't work out quite as hoped because I hadn't packed S's hat and gloves so W called and so forth. Anyway, that got worked out and I had breakfast with S at school and then volunteered in his classroom for most of the morning. That was a lot of fun and S loves it.

Now we're progressing towards the 2x4 part... I know, go dark. I suck at it so far. W called and wanted to stop at the house. She still has some stuff here and wanted to clean up from the aftermath of the move. I was halfway to the gas station (car wouldn't start as it was out of gas... first time that's ever happened to me... guess my head's not quite in the game). She offered to come pick me up. I told her no and that I was fine. She came anyway (we're a small town... there's only two gas stations and one was burned down last month). So I got in and she ran me back.

(Nope.. not at 2x4 land yet). Now... a few weeks back W asked if I would install a new faucet and ceiling fan in her rental house if she bought them. I said yes. Why? I have no idea. But I did so when she asked me again I felt obligated to follow-through. Again, did I have to? No. I'm a sucker, I'll admit it.

So I spent the afternoon over at her house, with her, installing the faucet and ceiling fan. As has been the story things were fine. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other. We got finished just in time for S to go to wrestling so I took him. Got back with him and W asked if I wanted to have dinner with them. I said sure. Then by the time dinner was done it was bedtime for S and SD, so W asked if I wanted to stick around and tuck them in. Again I said yes.

So that's where I quite sure I erred. I really don't need to be over there doing that. I had committed to it, and lord knows it doesn't create mystery. There were odd moments too. At one point I was really wrestling with the fan install and she came and helped. We got done and I put my hand out (for the screwdriver) and she put her hand in mind and we held hands for a little bit. Then she posted this on my Facebook wall (so everyone can see it if they look):

Thank you soooo much for the work you did today. We're thankful to have you! It means the world to us! <me>-1 ceiling fan-0....ceiling fan blades may have a point on you though;)

There was even some sexual/suggestive inside jokes from her and back and forth. Then she launched into how absolutely horrible the weekend was with her crappy landlord, no one showing up to help with the move other than her stepdad, and all the money it takes to set things up in a new house. After I sang songs to SD and S, I took off.

So yes... that's the opposite of going dark, I know. I need to go dark, but I guess that will need to start tomorrow because today certainly wasn't a dark day.

Tomorrow I have all the kids after school until she gets home from work at 9:30. My plan is to simply give her "report" on the kids when she gets home and then walk out. Not listen about her day, not listen about her stress or how she feels. Just get out. We'll see if I actually can do that I guess.

[Rick1963]

WHG I tear up when I read your post when they left. No 2x4 from me. I dunno but would she drive u to a doctors appointment if u needed it? I think so. Going dark detaching I think are for u to protect yourself from further hurt. That is how I see it. I still pay all the bills. Should I get W off the phone bills internet health care AAA? What will she learn from that. Life is a better teacher than I am. Until I am told to stop I will continue. Do the kiddos benefit from a new faucet? If u guys don't reconcile there will be a time when u are no longer available and she will have care on her own.

[2thepoint]

Hey WHG - I think you need to cut yourself some slack. This is a transition and if your actions make life just a little more bearable for you, your W and the kids, then do it. You don't have to be perfect at this...yet That will come with time.

In the meantime, might I suggest you take a look at this thread: Successful Divorce Buster

There are 9 pages initially and then a link to the next thread in the series. You should book mark it and read a few pages each day until you get to the punch line. There is so much good information in there about how this person eventually and successfully busted his D.

Good luck, WHG! We're all in this together and will support you on this next leg of your journey.

[labug]

Do what works.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... Today was better than yesterday, but I guess that's the norm. Funny how one thing can just throw it all crazy though. At one point today I was looking in the closets for some bedding and found the plaster cast we made of my wife's belly when she was pregnant with our S. It got left behind in the move, though I'm guessing that wasn't intentional as it was stored up high. Finding it brought back all the pain and tears. Later an email from my S's teacher had me sideways as S asked to talk to her today and told her he doesn't like the divorce and misses daddy when he's at mommy's house and misses mommy when he's at daddy's house. But all in all it was a better day.

Tonight I had all the kids at my house from after school to bedtime. Our dog had to go to the vet today as well, thankfully it turned out to be a minor problem easy fixed. I don't particularly like our dog but found myself emotional when alone in the vet's office. All I could think of was that if something happened to the dog it would be just one more failure for my kids.

Kids and I had fun tonight. We made supper together and did homework. Kids loved my spaghetti sauce. I make it from just a tomato puree base and go from there. W never liked it so I stopped making it. But she doesn't live here anymore so it's back. SS asked why we hadn't had it in so long... so I told him mom never cared for it so out of respect for her I stopped making it. But she's not here and we all love it, so it's back!

A little bit before bedtime we all went over to my W's house. I put SD and S to bed and hung out with SS while he read. Once SS went to bed I read and surfed the net. I will admit that it was a bit surreal sitting in my W's living room all by myself after SS went to bed. Like a guest in one's own house sort of...

I think I did ok tonight. Before heading over to W's house I changed out of my scrubby clothes and put on something nice and made sure to have cologne on. She got home and I gathered my things. Met her in the kitchen and gave her the list of updates and info she needed from the day and about tomorrow. She started talking about work and a challenging patient. I listened for a little bit then said that I had to leave. I told her goodbye and walked out the door.

I didn't even cry walking out or once in the van. I drove home, fixed my dryer, did some laundry, boxed up her and the kids' clothes from the laundry and now I'm on here.

Before I go... one highlight from tonight was that SS asked me if I would be willing to take him and some of his friends to the opening of Hunger Games when it comes out next month. I asked my W tonight if that would be ok (it would be on her weekend). She was stunned. First she was surprised that SS wanted to go with his friends. Then she was floored that he asked me and not her to take him. And it was cute how he asked me... he built up all this courage but tried to play it cool. I told him I'd love to take him and his buddies to the opening. I don't know if it affected my W at all, but I do know she was very surprised by him asking me. And lord knows that seven months ago that is the last thing my SS would've been asking of me.

[labug]

Wow, the invitation from the SS is huge.

And you glossed over your S going to the teacher. I know it hurt but it is so great that he knows what he's feeling and is reaching out to people for help and understanding. A lot of that comes from your actions and examples. I know you will continue to nurture that.