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#2217334 - 01/30/12 08:20 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5140
Loc: NJ
Bottom line is you are being given free money that no one owes you. You don't get to be choosy on the time it is offered to you.

This is a situation you chose. And if you chose to continue it to pay down debt, I wouldn't be putting down my parents for even being given the opportunity for that.
Or complaining about anymore money they might throw your way.

You had nothing to say about your reference I mentioned to how you wouldn't be in this mess with your wife if they would have given you the money when you really needed it. What if they had not a dime to give you ever? Would it still be their fault?

You know, if you get/ take this job, you will be put in a position where you can take full accountability and responsibility for your life . Can't blame anything on the parents. It might help you put into perspective to do what you need to do without anyone's help. It's very freeing and empowering too btw.

I was on my own since 18. My parents split before college, I went away, my mom literally went crazy and I was forced to drop out of college get a job and my own place. My dad felt like he owed me money because he left and was living in a one bedroom with his girlfriend and had no roof to put over my head. I only took what was really needed, and I never asked unless there was an emergency. I chose to go back to college and get my nursing degree. Paid on my own. And with exh as we married half way through. He has helped me when he could, I refused a lot and I pay him back, even if it is slowly.

I never did feel he owed me anything. He still buys me dinner when he takes me out and I even have a hard time with that! But it's a gift. And I appreciate it. He doesn't have to give me a freakin dime as I am a 31 year old woman, but he helps and I love him to death for it.

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#2217537 - 01/31/12 03:23 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: MrBond]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Mr Bond your right on all accounts. All this could have been adverted if I opened my mouth and fought for my wife and kids. Instead of taking a back seat to it all. Thank you for calling me out on this.

I went for the interview today. I think it went rather well, at this time I think if they offer me a spot it will depend on the salary. I am split right now 60/40 about staying at the office and being able to put money away and pay down my debt then start looking for something else.

I have to do whats best for me and in my interests. Right now that is getting rid of debt and saving for a home.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2217542 - 01/31/12 03:34 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Your right about being stuck. I chose to stay here because of the safety. I felt safe. I was also able to work freelance video shoots and still come to work here the next day. That was when I had the film dream. Now I am questioning that as well.


2 questions--

How does your w feel about your family's ways? My W is not happy with my family's business tactics. She asked me numerous times to get on payroll and always there was an excuse from my brother. He would appease me by saying ok in the next quarter or the new year. My w has not seen nor spoken to my family since my sons bday party in the beginning of November. She asks me how they are and she has tried to set up playdates with my sister and her kids, however my sister never gets back to her.

Is the reason you lived away in California in the first place, partly b/c of them? [/quote]We moved to California for me to try working in film and tv, which I did in 2001 then with the 911 work pretty much dried up for a long time. My w went to school out there to be a psychologist.

I also have a california lien against me. For the Franchise tax board. This was something that at the time was misfiled by the family business. My w and I would work out of our apt. I would enter loans and get approvals for the office. This tax lien has been with me since 2005. I gave it numerous times to my brother who passed it onto the accountant and then I would get another bill. This almost affected the purchase of my condo. We got it "fixed", now he is finally paying it off.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2217550 - 01/31/12 03:52 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
I am talking more about my family tomorrow in therapy. I have to admit other then getting over my family issues which with your help as well as gabby and mr bond I understand better. What you all are saying are very valid points and I am being selfish. I have been feeling better about myself and my situation for the past 3 weeks now. In fact I think I had may 2 bad days and a little one last night.
I had to go drop my external hard drive off at my w's home and saw a dozen roses were delivered to her. I didn't say anything to her about them it is none of my business.
I am letting it go.
I did find out from a friend that met up with her last Saturday for a play date some interesting info. My W said now it is not me but its her. I know she has some issues with her family as well that need to get worked out and I hope she does.
We have been more chatty as well the past few weeks. Since our lunch meeting. Sunday night she even offered me chili she made up and she made me sauteed brussel sprouts which I never had before. We sat at the dining room table kids and her had dessert and I ate the chili. My D looked at me and said Daddy you home now? I am not expecting anything from this. It is all just baby steps right now.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2217552 - 01/31/12 03:57 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: gabbysmom23]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Gabbysmom you are also right and I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth right now. I am going to take the help and alleviate some of the burden. I will be putting money away and paying down credit cards. Once this is done then I will be moving on to a new job. I figure by that point I will have savings for a apt or a home and I will be in a better place.


As for your question, my W looks at it this way and why she was upset with them. A lot of there bills were being covered as an office expense. Why were some of ours not? Which I can understand but it didn't happen so I am letting it go. Closed book.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

Top
#2218249 - 02/02/12 03:08 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Thank you to all!!!!

Had my therapy last night and I would like to share that he likes where I am and that I am moving forward nicely in the past few weeks. I told him about my family and the additional money for my car. Told him how I felt and that I posted here and how everyone on here put me in my place. Which helped me to decide on what I am doing for the time being and how I am in control of my life.

Feels good to get that validation from someone who has seen me face to face at my lowest point to now one of my highest points.

Thank you again for all the words of criticism, encouragement, and calling me out on the bs I was doing to myself, family and my W.
As of right now I am at a place where I see a fork in the road that I will have to eventually take. One will be reconciling with my W when and if she is ever ready and the other is the start of a new paved road. As of now there are detour signs and I can't get on either only time will tell which is chosen.

He also found it interesting that my W made the statement of its not him its me now. He hopes she makes the right decisions for herself and gets the right help she needs with whatever issues she has to deal with at this moment in her life. Honestly so do I. So far things have been better between her and I but I am not getting any type of expectations and like I said its an open road. I am not dating and not looking to date right now either. Just go out with friends and have a good time.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2220866 - 02/10/12 10:44 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Its been about a week since i posted last. I have been pretty good up till thursday and friday. I think it started when i saw a couple in the supermarket goofying around then walking arms around each other. That plus valentines day. Also realizing that 2/11 is one year since all this sort of started. My w and i were to have a nice night out kids were sleeping at in laws. We went to dinner very litt.e conversation. It was like pulling teeth. We had a gift card to pay for dinner and i had 3 dollars on me for a tip. Couldn't get to atm for money plua there was none to take out. We got home and started to argue about my work. Remember it like it was yesterday.
My w still wonders why i am not dating either to give her closure ny seeong me happy again or lift guilt off her shoulders. This way she knows its ok to move on. Problem is i am emotionally attached and still believe this can work out. As long as one of us still fights right. I don't know. I feel like my life is missing something and that is .......

She text me last night to stop at condo and grab kids snow stuff. I go over pull the stuff out from under the bed and right next to it is a litmans jewelers bag. Then as i walk out the room there is a long jewlery box on the bureau. This was the xmas gift. I know i have no control over this at all. Again wish i didn't see it. Then when i was leaving my neighbor caught me. He was telling me about my in laws coming up last week and how it felt weird to be in my place with them and me not there. Then they went to his place and om and friend came up and drank with neighbor, w, in laws. I wonder if in laws have figured anything out yet.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2221297 - 02/12/12 06:22 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9931
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: witz10
Your right about being stuck. I chose to stay here because of the safety. I felt safe. I was also able to work freelance video shoots and still come to work here the next day. That was when I had the film dream. Now I am questioning that as well.


2 questions--

How does your w feel about your family's ways? My W is not happy with my family's business tactics. She asked me numerous times to get on payroll and always there was an excuse from my brother. He would appease me by saying ok in the next quarter or the new year. My w has not seen nor spoken to my family since my sons bday party in the beginning of November. She asks me how they are and she has tried to set up playdates with my sister and her kids, however my sister never gets back to her.

Is the reason you lived away in California in the first place, partly b/c of them?
We moved to California for me to try working in film and tv, which I did in 2001 then with the 911 work pretty much dried up for a long time. My w went to school out there to be a psychologist.

I also have a california lien against me. For the Franchise tax board. This was something that at the time was misfiled by the family business. My w and I would work out of our apt. I would enter loans and get approvals for the office. This tax lien has been with me since 2005. I gave it numerous times to my brother who passed it onto the accountant and then I would get another bill.
This almost affected the purchase of my condo. We got it "fixed", now he is finally paying it off. [/quote]

if it has been fixed, the lien should be removed within 30 days. We appealed a finding by the tax board, they lost it in paperwork, which I almost did not discover. So then I resent it and it got granted...zero balance owed.

just fyi
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2221351 - 02/12/12 11:02 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
if it has been fixed, the lien should be removed within 30 days. We appealed a finding by the tax board, they lost it in paperwork, which I almost did not discover. So then I resent it and it got granted...zero balance owed.

just fyi[/color]
[/quote]

There are 2 more payments to be made on this then I am done with that and have to get the paperwork.

I am glad you checked in on me. Been a rough week. I dropped off my kids tonight went in unpacked snow stuff and gave kids a hug and kiss and said good night. My W then hit me with "anything I should know from the weekend?" I said no she then replied I was not sure you came in and now turned to leave so what is wrong. I told her what it is with the weekend and my elephant type of memory remembering the argument we had this weekend last year and how it started the ball rolling.
I really want to wait but I really miss being intimate. Now it could be this weekend before valentines day as well.
Again I know this is all out of my control with her and om. Its funny how people still tell me they can't believe she is doing this and acting like this.
I am stuck with what my next step should even be these days.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

Top
#2221353 - 02/12/12 11:07 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Part of me wanted to mention seeing the jewelry box but I didn't. I also wondered if she puts this out to get me jealous or push me to make a move. Throw out an ultimatum or start dating. I don't know. Like usual just confused again.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

Top
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