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#2218390 - 02/02/12 11:34 PM WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Time to start a new thread... here's the last one:
WHG's last thread
To bring things up to current:
  • W and kids move out in 15 days
  • W has everything she needs, paperwork and agreement wise, to file for D
  • Kids have been told and we're all working through it

I guess not a lot to say right now...

@Figg: I am grateful I can have an R with SS and SD. I need to remind myself of this though when I get depressed. I also need to remind myself it is a positive. Back in August the R between SS and myself hit an all-time low point. Shortly thereafter came the bomb, then the reading of DR, then self-realization, and then a lot of work to repair my R with SS and SD (but particularly SS). I see SS's drive to join my youth volunteer group as a huge validation of those efforts. I also see my W's support of him and her willingness to have me in their lives as a positive. I don't know that, six months ago, this would have been the case.

And a little journaling...
W is freaking out right now about whether her employer will pay for her schooling this summer. Her whole plan is predicated on this happening. If she can't go back to school then she can't keep her student loans in deferral. If her loans aren't deferred then she's in some serious financial straights. She is not one who deals with anxiety well... so it's going to be a stressful time (as if it isn't already) around here until she gets the news.

S is struggling this week with the D. We're starting to see the sad/frowny/unhappy drawings... they break my heart. The irrational fears are also coming up now... "will the house have furniture?" "I'm scared that mommy won't have money for food for us." "I'm scared there will be big rats in the house." It's just hard to hear your child so scared of something that they shouldn't have to experience in the first place. Right now S is seeing the school counselor every so often for some play therapy.

SD is really struggling but won't talk about it. She's just mad most days and lashing out at people. She refuses to see a counselor but may end up with one anyway, time will tell.

For me... well, I don't know. Good days and bad ones. Can run from happy to devastated in very short time frames. Lots of boxes around the house with stuff getting packed make it hard. Lots of memories being divvied up is hard too.

My W... well, she is what she is and will do what she will do. I have noticed the last few days she keeps wanting to draw me closer. Perhaps the thing I find most ironic is that each of the past three days she's felt the need to tell me her Facebook post at some point in the day. Mind you... she's blocked me from seeing her Facebook updates. So what is the point of blocking someone and then just telling them anyway. I really don't get her.

In all honesty I'm really very sad about the coming move. I still can't quite believe it's happening I guess. I can't believe that I'll wake up on a regular basis without my S in the house, or that SS and SD will effectively no longer live here. There are times I wish it was just done already. That the house was mine and the schedule was in place and all that. But that's the "need for routine and safe space" me talking. The other part of me is still very, very sad.

I need to get back to exercising. I need to find my center again. Since W moved to the basement I've lost my morning exercise routine and it's killing me. I'm looking forward to getting that back. GAL tomorrow night, GAL Saturday... maybe some GAL on Sunday too.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2218455 - 02/03/12 10:18 AM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: workinghardguy]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
W is freaking out right now about whether her employer will pay for her schooling this summer. Her whole plan is predicated on this happening. If she can't go back to school then she can't keep her student loans in deferral. If her loans aren't deferred then she's in some serious financial straights. She is not one who deals with anxiety well... so it's going to be a stressful time (as if it isn't already) around here until she gets the news.

It seems the your W is often making choices that require some other person or entity to make it happen for her. Wasn't there something about a loan for her deposit on the house she's moving to? And then she expected you to help her move.

Forever the damsel in distress awaiting the knight to ride in and save the day. She may someday appreciate you allowing her to grow-up.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2218487 - 02/03/12 11:45 AM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: labug]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Yes LA... many of her plans to require an external actor. I have to admit it takes all of my strength not to problem-solve for her, but I am resisting. She admitted her back-up plan, should the funding not come through, is that she will have to work a lot of overtime. This would essentially mean she'd have to work pretty much every weekend.

I wanted to say that this isn't necessary. I wanted to point out that the last six months that with what we've been savings/retiring debt we certainly would have enough to pay for her education. That really, the additional housing costs alone would pay most of her tuition.

But I didn't. I just shut up. I simply said that she did her best on the interview and that's all anyone can do. That I was proud of her for trying and going after it, no matter what the outcome. And that if it doesn't happen, that she'll be able to figure out the next steps. And then I went upstairs and left her to herself.

Realized this morning that it's two weeks now until move out. I am taking son to a two-night overnight at a waterpark resort about an hour away the weekend she's moving. I don't want to be anywhere around and I know I will need something to distract me that weekend so I don't dwell on it. But my head keeps running through that when my W leaves for work that Friday that'll be the last time she "lives" in the house. Once we leave for the waterpark I'll come home to an empty house.

And yes, I know, my W hasn't been "living" in our house for a long time now. But my kids have been. And they won't be. And that hurts.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2219311 - 02/06/12 03:24 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Just popping in... it was a busy weekend. It's so hard right now to not say something, do something towards my W. To just keep being part of the process and not screaming to stop. But I'm not. I do believe I need to be more positive in my attitude towards the move, though I will admit that is hard to do.

GAL'd Friday night with friends from church. Haven't had the courage yet to tell them about things. Took S to his wrestling tournament on Saturday. He got a trophy and was so proud. It made me sad though when we got home and he was crestfallen that his mom wasn't home nor made the tourney. I had thought maybe she would make it, she had been asking questions about the drive and times, but in the end she got home too late/early in the morning to get up and get there and keep her commitments to her friends.

I've been keeping my distance for the most part from my W. As part of the agreement on splitting assets I am providing her money for her half of what she's leaving in the house. I don't have the cash so I'm buying things as she asks on lines of credit I have. Already she is running out of our agreed upon amount. Last night she started hinting that she would need more. I calmly reminded her of our agreement, gave her the updated spreadsheet, and said I would do what we agreed on.

W went all weekend without so much as a call or text to me. Yet today she is sick so I get three texts and two calls because she wanted to know if I could come home early so she didn't have to take care of the kids after school. Yet, she was supposed to work today so that's already set up to happen. I simply texted her back that child care was already arranged since it is "my day" due to her working, and I hope she felt better.

I've also noticed twice in the past two weeks I've saved her from being late for work. I haven't meant to... I've simply confirmed something for the next day to which her reply is "I don't work at X time, I work at Y time." I tell her I got my times from the schedule she gave me... she goes and looks and realizes she had her schedule down wrong. I wonder how this will work when she's alone. I'm not intending to save her from herself... it just happens.

Last night I got a good night from her. When she has been around she's being very friendly. We had this weird word usage thing where she called the rental house, "our house", I mean "yours and mine"... I mean "my house"... that was strange. But all in all these are observations. I'm not hanging on them. Over the weekend I let my son call my W once, after the tourney, because he wanted to tell her about his trophy. I didn't send her pics, videos or anything. I posted them to Facebook and later told her they were there if she wanted to see them.

And she keeps telling me about her Facebook posts. I just don't understand her. But I'm having more fun at least. And I still don't want the move to happen, but part of me wants it just happen already so I can get my house back without boxes and stuff everywhere.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2219361 - 02/06/12 05:41 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: workinghardguy]
jbnati Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 2748
Loc: Cincinnati
WHG, I think you're doing reasonably well, all things considered.

It's sad to hear your W didn't make it for your S's tournament. frown

I understand the part about her moving out - it does cut both ways unfortunately.

I'm glad to see you're GAL'ing and having fun. That's very important!
_________________________
BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26

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#2219365 - 02/06/12 05:58 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: jbnati]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Before my W moved out, I had a few days where I was ready for her to go. Then on the day of, I cracked in a bad way. It was a pretty ugly emotional scene. My C suggested that I not be there when she left, and I heeded that, but it didn't make leaving any easier.

At first, the empty house really bothered me, but it was kind of cathartic in a way - I could do what I want and not have to wonder what sort of reaction or lack there of I'd get (or not). I may be romanticizing it, in retrospect.

When she moved back in, I was happy to have my family under one roof again, but it also threw a wrench in my GAL'ing because S was now around all the time instead of just half the time. Like JB says, it cuts both ways. There are pros and cons to both sides, just do your best to MAKE the best of it.

Good luck, WHG. Been following you for a while, my heart goes out to you and this rabbit hole.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2219371 - 02/06/12 06:43 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: tenbusrider]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
Originally Posted By: tenbusrider
I could do what I want and not have to wonder what sort of reaction or lack there of I'd get (or not).


I've actually allowed myself to look forward to this silver lining, and the time apart to grow. And also to restore some measure of black ink ot the balance books after her 7-9 month spending spree.

That being said, I do hope she'll be back!!
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2219452 - 02/06/12 10:49 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: kolja]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
Before my W moved out, I had a few days where I was ready for her to go
I have that moment at least three to four times a day. I know nothing will change in the immediate, so let's just get this over with, won't we? The boxes, the packing, the conversations between my W and the kids about what color to paint a room and so on is very wearing. I am ready for that part to be over with.

Quote:
Then on the day of, I cracked in a bad way. It was a pretty ugly emotional scene.
I am worried about this, I'll be honest. Not this coming Friday, but the next one will be the last time she "lives" here. She'll leave for work that morning and I'll be home with kids since they don't have school that day. When she leaves for work... that'll be it. When S and I get back from our weekend trip I'll drop him off at the rental house and he'll spend his first night there. And I'll come home to an empty house. I have the next day off from work. My plan is to have breakfast with S at his school, spend some time in his classroom and then go home and start picking up and cleaning the house from the aftermath of the move.

As much as I'd like to say I haven't played that Friday morning through in my head... I have. I want to be strong and confident and stolid. I want to simply tell her good luck in the new place, see you Sunday and do it without a tear or a sniffle. But I can't even type it without that so I don't know how I will do it. And lord help me if she starts crying at all...

Quote:
I've actually allowed myself to look forward to this silver lining
I am too. I'm tired of the eggshells. Tired of constantly feeling like she is judging my words on the assumption I'm trying to guilt her or pursue her. And I'm tired of being disappointed in her. I know... that's judgmental and I'm trying not to me. But it is hard. Last night for example... she comes home from work early. She texts me to let me know. I tell the kids. They get excited. Then she calls me a few minutes later to say she's not sticking around... she's going to another town to meet her BFF and her family for dinner. Kids are crushed. She pops in for 10 minutes to change clothes. While walking around the house she tells me, "I figured I was supposed to work late anyway so the kids wouldn't have seen me, so they're not really out anything." Except for the part where the kids heard that and now feel like crap. It's those moments... and while they are less than they were they are still frequent enough, that make me very disappointed in her. And no, I don't suspect she'll be much better on her own, but at least I won't have to see it or act like it doesn't bother me.

Tonight I got home and my W looks like hell. She is clearly extremely ill right now... so much that I am actually worried about her. I have never seen her look this bad before, and that's not hyperbole. She is running a fever, has terrible cramps and pain. I even cancelled my GAL tonight and told her to go to sleep. I know... I'm caretaking. I'm conscious I shouldn't have done it, but she was having trouble even standing on her own. Would I do this once we are apart? I don't know... maybe... if she was this sick... man is she sick.

My GAL tonight wasn't going to start until 9:30 anyway and I have some early meetings tomorrow morning. I was going to sacrifice for it, but I'll get them next time.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2219467 - 02/06/12 11:20 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: workinghardguy]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
On my phone, so I can't typecast long response, but you need to create good memories for her to remember. Be there for her. No matter what, makebthe last time she sees you not be you a crying,kneeling,sobbing wreck.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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#2219468 - 02/06/12 11:27 PM Re: WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole... [Re: tenbusrider]
tenbusrider Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 156
Clarification :not exactly good memories, but positive ones. Take steps to protect yourself as well.
_________________________
Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?

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