Working on LRT to Something else???

[2thepoint]

"She didn't say anything but it seemed to catch her off guard. In the past, I didn't do much outside of family so this is a change for her. I have to admit I enjoyed the surprised expression from her, however brief it was."

Good for you! Keep her guessing, and wondering, and guessing, and wondering......

[BFloat]

ohhh.. i know the vacant eyes. my H use to have that look all the time when he was here. physically he was with us but emotionally.. definitely checked out. it was painful to be around him. i haven't seen that look in a while because now that he's gone.. he doesn't get to see the kids everyday so when he does see them.. he just hugs them really tight and tells them how much he misses them.

yes! make plans for yourself! what do you think you'll do?

[ces67]

Thanks 2 - I've got to figure out some different things to keep her guessing.

Hey bf, you're right. It is painful. I'm thankful she's still in the house, but the daily indifference can be exhausting. Some days I think I'm detaching ok but then others it just drains me.

The party my son is going to is on Saturday so he and I will go out and see a movie together tonight. We'll have fun.

On other matters, I went online yesterday and found several Al Anon meetings that occur in my area. That should give me a few to try out. I probably won't start attending until March at this point due to a busy schedule.

Because of my job, I'll have to go in the evenings. So my question is, Do I tell my W what I'm doing? I don't want to tell her much but at least that I'm going to a meeting that my IC recommended.

Last night at dinner after we prayed W said she wanted to talk to the kids. She talked to them about needing their help. She explained she was working 2 to 4 hours a day now at home helping her friend and she didn't have time to ask them multiple times to do things. She ended by saying she was not their personal servant.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with what she told the kids and I support what she said. Its just that before these would be issues we'd discuss and then talk with the kids. I'd be part of the plan.

Later on, I asked if there was anything I could do to help? She said no and went on to say she was not asking too much of the kids. I agreed with her and just wanted to make sure there wasn't something I could do to help. Again the answer is "no" without looking at me.

W also talked to S13 about some bad grades he'd received. I wasn't aware of these. Typically he's an honor student. The kids school also has an website where we can keep up with our kids grades. The sign on changed for this school year and at the beginning of the term, I'd asked my W several times for the sign on info. She'd forgotten it and I'd got tired of asking.

Last night as I was cleaning the dishes I asked her if she had the sign on info. She said yes and so I pulled out my phone to type in the info so I'd remember (my memory is not the best so I write things down to make sure I don't forget). Well, while I'm getting to the app I need, W blurts our the sign on info. I apologized and said I what I was doing and asked her to tell me again. At this, she got all irritated and told one of the kids "hold on, I've got to repeat myself for your father again. If you'd just listen the first time..."

I remained calm. I'm sure my face showed frustration but luckily she wasn't looking at me, as usual. Then later on is when I asked about assisting with things for her time.

This has been going on for 20 months now. I've seen others finally put a time-frame around their lives on when they will need to move on. Maybe I need to do the same. I still hate the idea of this. I can still look at my wife and feel compassion and think of her as a beautiful woman who is hurting.

But as selfish as this sounds, my 'love tank' has been empty a long time too and she's just shooting holes in it all the time so when it gets anything in there, it seems to leak out quickly.

As I struggle with these feelings, I remember that this isn't who I want to be. I feel good and better about myself when I choose to be strong and stay my course. But some days, that just seems much harder to do. I'm still hoping for some type of catalyst, a change from limbo. I think I'm Ok with whatever direction that catalyst may lead, restoration or separation.

I also need to update my life priorities and figure out what actions I am doing to support these priorities (or am I working against them?) I need to make sure I'm living a life of integrity.

Ok, a little long but I guess that's what happens when you start your day at Starbuck's and a Venti, bold....

Hope everyone in DB land has a great weekend.

[ces67]

Never imagined I'd be at a point in life where the weekends seemed longer than the weeks!

Had a good Friday night w/ S13. Took him and a friend to see Safe House. Good intense, guy movie.

Today has been blah. Took S13 to a band solo competition (he' plays sax). That was fine. Just me and him. When we got home both kids had friends houses to go to for parties and again both ended up as sleep overs.

I spent the evening doing grocery shopping while W stayed home and did sewing. She's making bibs for our new neice and pillow cases. She plugged in the "Twilight" movies to watch as she sewed. Even when I went up to tell her good night around 11:30, she was watching another one upstairs.

I found several Al Anon meetings that take place in my area so I'm planning to go either this week or next. Also looked into Retrouville. First session available in my area isn't until September. There was one this coming weekend but we already have our D 10th b-day party planned for that weekend. I looked at other towns but since there are 6 follow up sessions we need to go someplace close.

I honestly can't imagine W being willing to go, but maybe if I mention it now and its not until September, it will give her time to actually consider it. I was thinking of framing it up as a way to improve our communication which needs to happen regardless of whether or not we stay together. But I also know that I have to accept the fact that she may turn it down completely.

Still feel like I'm struggling with fear way too much. I don't want to bring up conversations with W because of fear of more set backs. Big topics are finances and church. She's making some money now but contributing nothing to our financial mess.

W continues to avoid going to church and its impacting how I feel the kids should be getting to go more.

Too tired to think much this evening.

[BFloat]

(((( ))))

about retrouvaille.. what's the worse that could happen? she could say no. but if you never ask, she definitely won't say yes. if you mention it now.. don't bring it up again for a while. i asked my H to go a while ago.. he agreed and the session isn't until april. now i'm just laying low so that we don't have a fall out before then. i also presented it as a communication tool.

glad you had fun at the movies. thinking of seeing safe house too.

do you have plans for tomorrow?

[ces67]

Thanks BF. Very glad to hear your husband agreed to go! And you're right. I've faced enough rejection over the course of the marriage, another "no" won't really make a difference at this point!

Today I'm doing the husband/dad thing. I'll go to church this morning (W is actually in the shower now - surprise surprise).

My S has an essay that he needs to write so we'll work on that together. My W's friend gets into town tomorrow so I'll be helping clean the house and get things ready before she gets here. That's about it for today.

Safe House was good. It was also somewhat a "rite of passage" for my & my son. Its the first time I've ever agreed to take him to an "R" movie. I checked out all the reasons for the rating before going though. No raunch humor, nudity or sex. Just a few words (less than he hears at school most likely) and the action/violence was more realistic than the big explosion movies S is use to. It also gave us an opportunity to talk about the ratings and why we were seeing this one as opposed to othter R movies. Gotta take those learning opportunities when they come.

Have a good day. Whats the GAL look like for you today?

[ces67]

OK, so I'm a cleaning machine today. If "acts of service" is my W's love language, I hope today had an impact. If not, I still did the things I want to do.

Cleaned all the bathrooms in the house (and I can clean a bathroom!) Vacuumed the stairs (W's least favorite chore). Cleared the leaves off the patio, vacuumed off the couch that the kids do everything on and also vacuumed another large room as W was finishing up stuff.

Next I noticed where light bulbs were out in the house and the bathroom that her friend would be using so I went to the store so the bathroom was well lit for our guest.

Also, this week, I'm taking the kids to their drum show on Tuesday so W can go out with her friend. The kids also have a second show on Wednesday. We were planning to eat out before the show with all of us. I told W that I would skip out so she could just go with her friend and the kids and I'd meet them at the show. (The show is closer to my office and I live 33 miles from work so it would be extra driving anyway). I'm even considering skipping the show only because I've seen each one (at least 2 more than my W). And with the way they provide tickets I'd be sitting by myself anyway. The kids are performing at half-time a the hometown college basketball game.

So, keeping busy seems to be helping the detachment at least today.

[purgatory]

Since you're on such a good role.... You can come do my house too!!

Her love tank should start to fill up (hopefully) with more days like this!! Keep it up!

[BklynMom]

Please come over to my place, two little girls made my house look like it was hit by a tornado

[ces67]

hey, if it keeps my busy, occupied and feeling needed, why not!