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Originally Posted By: keep_going
Originally Posted By: rickb89
The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.


((((((rick))))))

It sounds to me like your latest decision has been "brewing" for some time now and you are taking control of your life and letting go.

Good for you!

PS - are you sure you want to do this w/o your speedos? smile


LABug has forever branded me with the speedo tag!

Seriously, I'm moving forward this way but I have to admit its step by step process. Its one of those things that I believe to be the right course to take and I'm nervous about it, and each step requires me to stay on top of my mindset & emotions, keep in constant prayer and listening for divine whispers. And I feel that she is going to try and turn this around against me but I'm done with being cautious because of other people's issues. I'm walking through a minefield with pepper spray in my eyes but strangely feel good about it.

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Originally Posted By: barely floating
uh... i hope sans speedo isn't a code word for commando.

((((( rick )))))

wow. when you talked about thinking of yourself as not married.. i have been thinking about that too. it's such a strange space because.. yes i am still married.. but it's not a M. and where do i go from here?

it seems like a lot of us are at a crossroad this weekend. lots of things happening and we all seem to be questioning what happens next.

it is possible to love and care about W while moving forward w/ your life. i know you will find that balance.

you are pretty awesome.. with or without those d#mn speedos!


Commando? In the spirit of leaping off the cliff in my new direction I guess I'm open to something new!

Barely...I wish I knew the answer for you, which if I did, would be the answer for me too. I'm going on blind faith here, mixed in with these small whispers I'm getting, and a pinch of logic. Also, I have to share a new lesson with my sons. They've seen me support her all along and understand that I am standing for my M, my love for her, despite the hardships. They also need to see what someone does to regain their own life, in a non-selfish way, and that someone is never too old to face their own issues and decide to grow with them, and take a chance in life. They and I need to see that there's unconditional love, but there has to be self-respect too, just not in an ego driven way.

I have trouble with the thought of moving forward as a no longer married person because I am not abandoning her, nor want this in a selfish way. The truth is though that I am not in a "married" relationship anymore. I'm not so much giving up on her as I am getting out of her way, and tackling the monsters that were in a closet I didn't consciously think about for years. In a way I'm doing the same thing as her, just in a very different way. As far as balance goes, I guess I will have to see how this goes. I really am in uncharted territory here.

Barely...I have a lot of respect for you. To go through this with the little kids has got to be so tough. But at least you have them and will help two more barely's go out into the world someday with all these fine examples of strength and honor from you.

You never told me what country you were born in? Okay, I know its in the far east somewhere...Hong Kong?

(((Barely ....out west))))

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Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.
I think you're reaching DB nirvana, Dude!

I wish you well.


Nirvana? Hmmm....I guess it take a lot of pain and cojones to get there huh?

Wish you well too smooch...smooch

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Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Originally Posted By: rickb89
What do you guys think about this sitch? You all know I have been the one in the M right now who is doing all the planning, the family events, the date nights, the cheerleading, etc.

I won't do it anymore. She just stopped by to see me before she heads out. Usually, as it is the weekend, I would be full of plans and ideas for us to do. I won't do it anymore. She can show me if she's ready to share a life with me. Let her suggest the plans. I know she met her friend this morning to go over some work ideas. Normally I would ask her how it went and do my best to be the rah rah guy for her. I'm not gonna ask anymore. I just spent a year by myself and was never asked once how my life is.

Also, I can see she's sick, run down and hurting. I'm not going to be the nursemaid for her as i normally would have been. I'm not making this decison to go in a new direction because I want to match her point for point. I am taking my life back and not letting her drag me down anymore. I know she's going to turn this all around and say I'm not trying, that I don't care anymore, that this is proof of why we shouldn't be together, that this is proof we can't communicate.

The fact is I do care. I'm steeping out of the way so she has the total freedom to figure her entire life out, know herself, choose what she wants and doesn't want in her life, and if she shows me she wants me in her life then I'm willing to hear what she has to say. Until then I'm walking down a new road and I am going to hit it full blast until my number comes up....sans speedo.


Rick - I think each of us has a breaking point. The point where we each say, ENOUGH! You have a unique sitch. Your W hasn't completely bailed on you, emotionally she has, but her physical presence seems to provide some glimmer of hope that she will eventually come around.

But, there is a limit or at least there should be a limit to how long one should endure a loveless relationship before moving on. It seems t me that you are now at the point and I think it is ok. You've waited a very long time. You've put in the time and energy with no real sense that your effort s being reciprocated.

I think its time for you to step out on that world stage and let everyone see the new and improved you.

I've always felt like we all have to take the last step, the one that says we are moving on, for our WAS to realize it is game time. Sh!t or get off the pot, IYKWIM. For some it happens in a matter of weeks or months. Others it is considerably longer.

You'll know when the time is right and it seems like that time for you is now.

Go embrace your future, Rick!


I'm doing it 2, FWIW I feel pretty good, but there's still a lot of fear and turmoil running through me. And, I have an idea of a point down the road when I will have to take the real big step, which is telling her that I'm moving on alone. Richt now she's just seeing it in the flesh but not with the full act of actually walking away. She's getting kind of the easy version right now.

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Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Oh, and don't forget your speedos. Unless you are going to some nudist colony. wink


Ha ha. Just wait for your beach visits in Madrid!

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Rick, I heard there is a nudist beach in NH...lol

Jokes aside, you're in an incredible and important fork in your life. You wanting to take charge of your life, tending to your own needs and wants in hopes of finding happiness along the way shows how strong you are. And you are right to show your S's not only what it means to be loyal and faithful to your M, but also how to build self confidence and respect. You're a truly amazing person, Rick. It sounds like you've found your path. Now stay on it!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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I have been sticking to my lifeplan at home but it can get weird.

Last night, my W and I were both in the kitchen and I acted according to my decision. I didn't try and plan any "date", did my own thing and kept to myself. So we were both there, both polite, very quiet around each other. It's like a game of chicken, but there's no way I'm going back to the valueless, serf I had become.

I'm not forgetting what she is dealing with on her own, but I'm only going to be with her if she can conguer and live having solved her issues to a degree that she can be loving, non-dependent, not ruled by fear, and be a partner. And I'm not going to be with her either with any of the issues I have worked on. It's not a one-way street. I'm doing my part too.

When I got home from yoga this morning she says "come her I have to show you something". I had no idea what she was referring too. She shows me her wedding rings that are way too big for her fingers and how easily they slip off. She hasn't been wearing them for months. She says she isn't wearing them because she would rather have them at least, than lose them. She says that she is telling me this because she knows I am hurt by her not wearing them. I said "thank you for telling me" and left it at that.

I would normally get sucked back in with hope and expectations, she does have my number FWIW. This time she's going to have to grow up, and chase me if she wants me.

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It's funny how when we make up our minds about something and feel confident about it, and then something is thrown in our way to confuse us.

It's good of you not to read into your W's actions, but FWIW your W did take a step closer to you. She acknowledged that it upsets you that she doesn't wear her rings, that's good. But you still don't know how SHE feels about it. Does she WANT to wear them? If they still fit, would she wear them? Whatever her comment meant, take it as a positive. But you're right, she'll have to do more than just comment on something. Maybe it's the whole distancer/pursuer thing...you're backing off and she's stepping in....the only difference is that YOU know what's going on.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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rick.. you are doing an amazing job.. and being such a great role model for you sons (and also your "daughter").

i don't think your decision to move forward is far from being selfish. in fact, it think it's a gift you're giving yourself, your kids, and your wife. hopefully she'll come to see that and really discover her "truth".

definitely unchartered waters.. but FWIW, we're right there with you. i'm not sure who'll navigate yet.. maybe labug.. but i'll definitely be out there paddling!!

rick, thank you always for your kind words and support. they really do mean a lot to me. i take everything to heart.

as for where i'm from.. from a little country called VN. but, i definitely grew up canandian. when people try to figure out where i'm from they always think i'm korean or japanese. always seem surprised to find out i'm neither! there you have it. i'm a banana.


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You're always our little cherub, spreading encouragement everyday (not just valentines.) smile

As far as being in uncharted waters... save me a seat in the boat and hand me a paddle (and a TON of dramamine for my motion sickness!)

Rick, you give so much hope and kindness to all of us on these boards, I'm assuming you are similar in "real" life- always giving to others.... but I suspect you rarely give to yourself. Your current decision is something that you are finally doing for yourself- and ONLY you. The fact that you feel like you're being selfish is a testament to the kind-hearted person that you truly are, and also how you would rather put others before you.

You are putting yourself FIRST now. There's nothing selfish about that. It doesn't mean that you don't care anymore nor that you are forsaking all of you efforts to repair your M... I think it just means that you are gaining enough self-respect to not be her doormat anymore. I'm sure the concept of self-respect is something that you hope to instill in your children, and the best thing you can do is lead by example.

None of this means that you won't hurt from time to time, but I venture to say that you will cope better than you have in the past.

I too see your W's comment about her rings, as reaching out towards you. She's using a 'backdoor' way of letting you know that she's noticed/paid attention to your feelings about her rings.. which means that she still cares about your feelings (ie: she *cares* about you.) You can't be completely emotionally gone if you still care about hurting someone's feelings.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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