Learning as I go

[tested metal]

Well today I may have started to hit that "reboot" button.

Last night, as every night, I prayed to God to speak for his servant is listening. I asked God to open my heart, eyes, mind, and soul to Him and for him to guide me to what I need to do to heal, forgive, and learn more about myself.

Today at work we had a speaker who does Mindfulness Therapy. We did a mindfulness exercise and I relaxed so much, but also felt the feelings that I had been bottling up for so long. It was a good thing. Then I learnt that she has a mindfulness class at the university that is free on Mondays! That is one of my nights that I don't have D, so I will be there and will meet new people!

The mindfulness will help me with my listening skills, anxiety, and focusing on the present and not the future.

Then after work as I was driving to pick up D from daycare I saw a sign for Planet Fitness that was offering membership for only $10 a month! I stopped in and got a tour. The place looked awesome and at such a cheap price with no contract deadline I can quit if it gets to the point I can't afford it. Plus the free T-shirt was nice.

The Big guy/gal works in mysterious ways!

I plan on starting to work out tomorrow!

[tested metal]

Workout today was great!

While driving at work today to and from a client's house (it was a long drive) I had a chance to think long and hard about my role in my M with W. I realized that my expectations of W were too high for her. I expected her to change after we had our daughter as she seemed to have changed during the pregnancy.

I focused more on MY reactions to being disappointed by her not meeting my expectations and realized that I could have done better.

On the trip, I stopped at a gas station and found a great book called "Living successfully with screw up people" and it is really good so far! It actually helps you to look at YOUR actions to their behavior and focuses on the changes that YOU have to make in the relationships. I highly recommend it to people as it has been very helpful to me so far.

I consider this a sign from God for me to read as I have been praying to keep my eyes and ears open for me to lead me to what I need to do to make me a better person.

I am currently considering starting a new thread exclusively dedicated to me journaling every day and if people want to comment, they are welcome. I am would be doing it for me to look past and learn my progress, but if even one person could learn from it it would be a HUGE bonus.

[Rick1963]

Let her go and live your life my friend. I hate saying that but it makes more sense everyday. Be good to yourself even if you think it is selfish. You can not help others when you are yourself broken. Heal and move on. I know easier said than done but that is all we have right now. Hope to helP in anyway

[tested metal]

Rick,

I am letting her go. I am not using this to try to get her back. I am using this because whether I like it or not she will be in my life for at least 18 yrs. as we have a daughter together. That means that I still will have to deal with her decisions when it affects me.

The book is to help me with the times that I have to have contact with her and she is spewing or trying to punish me, make me feel guilty, or any other kind of button pushing.

I am using this book to work on myself and cultivate more patience with others in general, including those that may bring a great amount of stress into my life.

[tested metal]

Addition:

The book is also to help me examine MY actions with others and how I may be adding to what I perceive as crazy behavior.

I am looking at establishing how I can implement healthy boundaries.

[tested metal]

Yesterday the W picked up D with OM in the vehicle. W has not said anything to me in the last 2 weeks during the pickups so that is a mixed blessing. I was only slightly unnerved by it, so I must be getting better at detaching. After the pickup, I went to work and went about my daily routine.

When I got off I went out with some friends for a beer and some friendly conversation. It was the first Saturday in 2 years that I had a night off to go out! It was fun.

I really hate that when I picked up my D today that she wreaked like OM's cologne. It's like she bathed in it.

Even after her bath tonight, she still smells. It's almost like either W is spraying her with the stuff, or OM is holding D a lot. I am trying to thought block though with some results.

Otherwise things are going good. I have been working out, reading more, and taking daily vitamins. I have been feeling better the last week.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Tested!

There is something funny about smell. Sometimes once you smelled it, it is gone but you still smell it. Like your brain had a strong reaction and then remembers......

Kinda like smelling cat pee. Then you smell it when it isn't there.

So light a candle that smell good, get that smell out of there and out of your head!

[tested metal]

Wen,

Thanks for the advice I will try that.

I know that the smell is really there though, as my friends all smelled the same thing, and I did not ask them if they smelled anything funny.

You are right about smell trigging memory. It is a psychological phenomenon. If you study for a test and have a certain odor about you, studies have shown that the same odor will help with the memory process.

The sad part is my 1.5yr. old is very affectionate and loves to snuggle with Dad, so that is when I smell it. Unless I bath her in Febreeze (j/k) I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

It is frustrating though.

[Rick1963]

Hey tested hope things are a bit better today. I was wondering if you ever read the works of Albert Ellis? I'm a huge fan of him. I know money is tight right now but hopefully you could go to one of their intensive trainings in the future. I would be great thing for your practice and personal growth. It is in NY but you can awlays go to that web site and down load stuff for free. Just a suggestion. hang in there

[tested metal]

Rick,

I know Ellis's work fairly well and have actually told other's to use it before I even knew what it was. (long story and I was just a kid at the time). But I will look up his downloads for further education.

Ellis's approach is very risky in this situation. Although I know what you are getting at, I am afraid it would just give her more justification to continue on with her behavior.

Things have been good this last week. She has not talked to me in the last 3 weeks, even when exchanging our child. I am mildly OK with that. It is not my ideal, but better than spewing. I still am friendly.

I am taking care of myself and GALing. I joined a gym, am taking vitamins and St. John's Wort, and am reading books that seem to help me improve myself.

I have been slowly learning to control myself and my actions.

The biggest times I feel down are because I miss my daughter and grieve the ideal of being able to be with her all the time (when I am not working).

In reality, this is not the case and I am accepting it. As for W, I take solace in the fact that I am fighting as much for our M as I can by, working on myself, not pressuring her, and not pursuing a D.

I came to the philosophy that I will not pay for anything that I don't want or need. This includes a divorce. If she wants it, she can pay for it.

If it come to the time I want or need it, then I will.

But in the meantime, I will prepare and save for defending myself , if needed.


Thanks for the concern. If you have any other suggestions I am all ears.