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#2222292 - 02/15/12 01:57 PM Indecision and the affair continues (part 3)
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
I'll start a new thread.

Update...H continues the affair he started back in August 2011. We decided to separate in early January 2012 (after several months of DB-ing by me but H being unwilling to give up the affair and unable to make up his mind)

Since then, H continues to travel to OW's city for work. His work schedule has been insane as well. H has been increasingly reaching out to me and he is trying to be nice when he is home (offers to take the kids places, gives me back rubs, says he loves me, etc) He has made no move to leave the house although we told the kids we are separating.
4
I'm fed up with the situation and I feel "done"...I'm actually not sure if I want my H back at this point. I've lost a lot of respect for H through this process.

I've been having a great time with friends and also met a very nice guy. He's also going through a divorce. Great dad and very patient to see what happens with my situation. Not a great idea to be "dating"...but I believe he was sent into my life to show me why I shouldn't put up with a cheating husband. Life is too short and we are all worth too much!

M: 43
H: 45
Married 12 years
3 daughters: 11, 8, 4
H in affair since August 2011
I've known since 9/15/11
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2222300 - 02/15/12 02:10 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10562
Does your H know about the other guy?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2222309 - 02/15/12 02:25 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: MrBond]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11969
Yes, MrBond, he does - which is why he's suddenly paying a bit more attention to his wife, if you ask me!

Yes, there's something to be said for realizing we deserve to be treated well, isn't there?

I would caution you - don't judge your H just on his behavior in the last year. Even the best of men do absolutely freakin' crazy stuff when they are in the grip of these affair hormones. If he was always a great husband before, there's still a chance he might return to being a great husband later.

BUT - if you're realizing that you've been putting up with unacceptable behavior all along, and the affair was just the icing on the cake - that's a different deal. Sometimes it takes an affair (or two, or three, in the case of my ex) for us to open our eyes and realize what has been wrong with the relationship all along.

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#2222443 - 02/15/12 08:30 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: kml]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Yep, H knows about the other guy. I met him after we decided to separate. I've only gone on 4 dates with him over 6 weeks...but H knows about all of them. H has had some sleepless nights fretting about it, but not enough to stop his affair. It's not all bad...H's main issue with me has been not enough intimacy and I've been the lower desire spouse...so, the fact that I'm generating some interest and may be interested in a guy is a bit eye opening for him.

You have nailed my dilemma. H is kind, very funny, great dad, very successful, and fun. However, he's also a workaholic and there was rarely a night he was home for dinner. He is constantly on technology devices. He's also a big kid at heart which can be charming, but sometimes challenging. And, we are both avoiders...so we have had a very hard time addressing issues. (I'm not sure we've ever had a real fight...even during his affair). I've also realized we might be better friends than lovers. H is very high desire and has a fairly unrealistic view on relationships and great relationships not needing a lot of work. We've always been very comfortable friends rather than passionate lovers.

I've been pushing him to work on things and I've mostly kept the way home smooth...I've told him numerous times that I understand why he did this and I have taken ownership in my role in his affair. (I can understand his anger and frustration with me...I dismissed his sexual/intimacy needs in the craziness of our lives--two big careers, 3 kids under 10, etc. To me, we were like everyone else I knew...) I've shown him that I'm reading books like "when good people have affairs". I've told him I just want him to be happy and I'm also focusing on making myself happier.

Part of me thinks we should split and work on being great co-parents/friends after the divorce. Or, split and see if we realize we should get back together.

Most of me thinks we should try again now. We have never really done counseling and if we put any energy at all into our relationship...it'd be interesting to see where it could go.

But, the problem is, I have continued to lose respect for H and I'm now losing my attraction towards him. I know a lot of it is related to the affair craziness...and all hope isn't lost. I just look at him now sometimes and he is like a shell of who he used to be.

H really wants to remain on a fence with me. He denies he wants a divorce...but he just isn't willing to give up the affair and the potential that it could work out.

The other hard factor is that OW is 2,000 miles away...and so is H's job. He's sort of built a new life for himself away from his family. Part of that is great for him...makes it easy to have an affair. Part of that is very hard...will he eventually realize he wants to be close to his kids? If so, the affair will probably die (OW is very established with 3 kids and a separated husband in her city).

I feel lucky in some ways that I have a great job, good friends, a supportive family and three wonderful daughters. I also have an H who still says he loves me and can't figure out his life. He's been secretly horrible during the affair (taking vacations with OW), but never to my face.

For those who have been following me, I think they generally understand where I am and why I have "lost it". I'm not doing everything right and I'm no longer as concerned about perfectly divorce busting. I guess I've read a ton of stuff and I just feel like I need to follow my instincts. I'm also living more for myself right now.

Thanks for listening...and I don't mind if people challenge me. I know I've lost it compared to some of the people on this board who have put up with a lot more for a lot longer.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2224015 - 02/21/12 06:06 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Quick update,
H came back this weekend and I had plans on both Saturday and Sunday with friends. I did stop by H's parents house on Saturday and helped the girls deliver a cute Valentine's gift to H's mom. On Saturday night, I got home late with D11 and H came in to D8's bedroom (she was in bed with him) at least 3 times to check how I was doing. H tried to be affectionate with me a bit this weekend, but I didn't reciprocate. I'm not unfriendly, I just don't feel like we should be romantic at this point.

H and I talked briefly again before he left this week. He's not sure what he wants. He doesn't like our lack of intimacy. He doesn't feel like it's fun and warm when he's home. He also feels like we're like two ships passing in the night. It is still all about him and what he needs from me. However, I can tell he isn't thrilled with how life is evolving.

I asked H to go look at places on Sunday to start his plans to move out. He wanted me to go along, but I had plans with a couple girlfriends. He looked, but again, made no actual move towards moving.

I believe I have two options:
--Be warmer and friendlier--however, I had been doing this for like 5 months and all it did was help H feel better about his affair and coming home.

--Continue on my separate life path and push him for a separation unless he gives up the affair and is willing to work on our marriage.

I'm still leaning towards option 2. And, it'll prepare me better for a new life if he doesn't change his mind.

H also continues to text a bit from OW's city. He can't seem to let go.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2224032 - 02/21/12 07:35 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11969
Quote:
I believe I have two options:


I think you are correct in your assessment. You already had several months of showing him how good things could be if he came home. Now you're showing him what life is gonna be like when he can't have his cake and eat it too. Interesting, isn't it, how they're drawn to what they can't have? So so predictable.

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#2224097 - 02/22/12 03:13 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: kml]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Agree. Funny that when I'm not really watching for baby steps, they may be happening. Asked H if he wanted to have dinner last Sunday...ended up falling through because D11 was with him...I said she could join us...H said, "I was hoping to just have dinner with you."

H is coming home Thursday this week, "Do you want to have lunch on Thursday?". Turns out I can't because of work.

If I read the LRT chapter, he is showing some signs of being more interested in me and seeming more concerned about what is happening while he is gone. He called me tonight after the kids went to bed on my cell phone...which is rare. He just seemed to want to talk.

Still, hard to know his motives and if we could make things work again.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2224152 - 02/22/12 10:40 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: kml]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4593
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
I believe I have two options:


I think you are correct in your assessment. You already had several months of showing him how good things could be if he came home. Now you're showing him what life is gonna be like when he can't have his cake and eat it too. Interesting, isn't it, how they're drawn to what they can't have? So so predictable.


Yep. Basic human dynamics. Fascinating, ain't it?? smirk


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2224154 - 02/22/12 10:43 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4593
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Nblost


Still, hard to know his motives and if we could make things work again.


Nb,

It's impossible to judge "motives." DB teaches us to monitor ACTIONS, not motives or intentions.

Do you know what your list of "dealbreakers" are, ahead of time, should your husband come to you and ask for reconciliation? Now would be a good time to put together that list, while your mind is clear.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2224288 - 02/22/12 05:20 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Starsky309]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Good point, and I doubt he knows his motives.

Great idea to make a list of dealbreakers:
--End the affair, no further contact.

--Agree to go to counseling. I also think we'd have to be able to establish realistic goals.

--Open records around credit cards, cell phone, etc.

The one I'm not sure about is work travel. He does now need to be in OW's city for his job...but, that will be very hard. However, I think quitting the job he loves and asking him to end the affair could be too much all at once.

Something does have to change with his job though, it's too demanding and takes away too much from the marriage and family.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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