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#2192734 - 10/14/11 08:09 PM AtLRT for 4... and more...
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I'm moving here now, from my thread in the "We're Separated" forum:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2178934

AtLRT - After the Last Resort Technique

I've arrived here, very cautiously... I have thought really long and hard and while I have a long way to go, I have begun to remember, realize, and become the person I was before I M... and then some...

But I have a long way to go...

I've realized, or at least I now believe, that I have been selfish... I believe in M and I believe in the welfare and well being of my kids and I love my W...

And I still stand... but I'm ready to move on, now...

I was selfish because I wanted to save my M to a woman who... has decided to travel a new path... I can rationalize and make reasons why I have decided to let her go and move on... and I won't do that because that's not who I am...

I choose to move on. That is my choice and I make it and I will own my responsibility of it and the consequences of it.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make. That almost sounds cliche... Of course it's a tough decision... and I don't think many people make the choice lightly...

I'll chronicle and journal until the D is final. After that... well, who knows... but as I've always said the members of this board mean a lot to me and I will continue to give back as long as I can and as much as I can.

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#2192736 - 10/14/11 08:28 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I will do my best to stay "me focused" during this process. Please feel free to provide me with harsh contributions of 2x4s if it appears that I'm projecting or not moving forward with honour and dignity.

Thx...

What are my goals? Well, first I will say that I have no expectations of a time line... if nothing, I have certainly learned that no one controls time... only their actions, during moments of time...

My primary goals that are not D focused:

+ continue to reflect inwards on myself and be fair but honest about where I should focus on growth...

+ specifically on the above, I do want to become more physically healthy, so I will work on that which will include building body mass and muscle tone, working on my cardiovascular, and also continue to work on becoming a non smoker...

+ I want to work on my spirituality more, not just in traditional religion, but otherwise...

+ I also want to work more on increasing my contribution to others... however that might look... I have a few ideas to start...

+ I will also continue to work on becoming more financially stable... sometimes I forget about my own financial well being, as I'm too focused on contribution to others... Not sure if that means more balanced, or simply more...

+ I really should start looking for appropriate housing arrangements... I can't and don't want to stay where I am longer than I need to, while making sure I don't over extend myself in that regards...

+ oh yeah... forgiveness... I want to really take a good look at that one and make sure that I have truly and lovingly forgiven...

In regards to the D:

+ I have found the resources to begin action towards the D

+ I will remain focused on the kids, what will benefit them, including visitation as well as financial settlement... that neither me nor my W are placed in a negative position financially that our ability to take care of the basic needs of the kids are hindered...

+ I'll probably come up with some other stuff here...

Ok, that's it for now...

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#2193068 - 10/16/11 06:35 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...

That seems to sum up my thoughts this weekend. My life has been full of good people... and a few... maybe not so much...

At 44 yrs old, I didn't think that I would be... how would I say... cleaning my rl "friend list" like that of an early adult...

I group of friends whom I'd known through my life became "seasonal" during my M. These people are folks I've known pretty much all my life, but never really had as close friends. I became friends with them again, because they became part of my W's circle when she moved into the area some 12 years ago...

I don't dislike these people, they just have different... I'll just say "interests..." It's just a little odd... maybe surreal in some ways, that these people encouraged and enabled my W to validate her feelings that I was not a good H and to emotionally invest in the OMs...

Ah well, I've pretty much "forgiven" these people in the sense that, this was the will of my W...

My expectations were that people, even these people (with their close ties and involvement with catholicism) were M friendly... and would have not involved themselves with my W's infidelity, at the least... the reality is, reality and my expectations didn't match... and that is their choice... and certainly my W's intention to leave the M would have not changed just because these people were not part of her life... So its not their "fault"... but I choose to have these people be part of an end to my "seasonal friends", is fine by me... as I mentioned, we truly do have different "interests"...

~~~~~~~

Of my other friends, I am so grateful to have them in my lives... those that have been part of my life over the past couple of years (whether reason, season or life)... even those who I hadn't even been in contact over that time...

I've mentioned before about a good friend that I lost contact with once I became M, because she is an exGF and my W was very jealous of my R with this exGF...

Well, this friend and her husband (whom I also consider a good friend) have opened their home to me into winter. Their house actually has an attached apartment (and otherwise a couple free bedrooms now that their kids have moved out). Their house is in a nearby city where job opportunities for me will be much greater. And given the availability of rooms, will be very beneficial when I start having my kids for visits, again...

My heart just fills with joy and gratitude to know that these lifetime friends not only exist, but they are there for us when we need them... no expectations from them... friends in the most pure sense of the word... they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs...

~~~~~~~~

So on the work front, that's already mentioned above in a way. I'm very optimistic that I will have steady employment by mid Nov. Of course, I can't predict the future but I know my capabilities and it's certainly an attainable goal...

~~~~~

On the kid front, while I am still unable to have regular visits with them, I am making contact with them on a daily basis. Maintaining that connection is important to me and I'm sure they appreciate it...

~~~~~

On the D front, of course from my last post two days ago, and being a weekend... there's not much to report... I will continue to follow the resources available to me in that direction...

Although one... wrench... has popped up...

My W emailed me on Friday eve with a "carrot"... to tell me that the SA was completed and that her L would pass the doc on Monday to a lawyer who would review the doc with me and witness my signing...

The temptation again comes up to just sign the doc... and expectations were, and a draft has proven, the doc is very lopsided...

So I have to consider the value of signing a doc I am not in agreement with... there are many down sides... but there are benefits, as well... but the benefits appear mostly "immediate gratification" and not long term...

But I'm thinking too far into the future on information that I can not say is reliable... IOW, until I see the doc... I cannot be sure it is complete and ready to go, unless I see it... So no sense really thinking about it, I guess...

While the SA would seem a step towards the end goal of D, it's not necessary...

~~~~~

OK, I think that's about it...

Hopefully everyone had a great weekend of GAL... I got out quite a bit and had a pleasant weekend, myself... smile

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#2193255 - 10/17/11 06:46 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10953
Choosing to be married doesn't make you selfish. I don't know where you got that idea. Marriage means you stick things out through the good times and bad. She's the one who was selfish enough to leave. You made a choice. She made a choice. Just because they don't match, doesn't make one choice better than anothers.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2193275 - 10/17/11 07:49 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: MrBond]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
OK, I get that and understand. Thanks.

Yes, I had chosen to live the vows of "worse, poorer, sickness..." and now I'm choosing out. And who knows, maybe choosing out no longer matches her choice. *shrug*

Maybe selfish wasn't a word that best describes it my choice to stay M in contrast to her choice to behave single. The choice itself was not selfish...

Rather, my desire and actions to push my will to remain M and attempt to control her desire to explore a different life, were selfishly motivated...

But again, I believe I understand the point.

This is not about selfish or altruistic or right or wrong...

This is just about an individual making choices which reflect my beliefs and desires...

Thanks Bond...

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#2193680 - 10/19/11 04:20 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
ah... the legal dance has begun...

I have made an application for support for legal counsel and it appears that I will be approved. So I communicated same to the L office that I had intended to use and have already had two consults with.

Their office responds to me this morning indicating that they have received notification that I have retained another L office...

???

To recap, my W expressed her desire for me to have the SA witnessed by a L, as apparently recommended by her L. A L office was recommended by my W as apparently recommended by her L. I contacted the L office just to inform them that some documents would be sent to their office.

So from what I gather, the L office I wish to retain had apparently been notified they were no longer part of the L loop...

I've since expressed my interest to retain the original L office and that there was obviously some miscommunication.

I will leave it in their hands...

~~~~~~

On the W front, I get an interesting email from her yesterday. She wants to speak to me directly (by phone) regarding the disbursement of the financial settlement. That she does not want to talk about that by email...

again... ???

At this time, I have not responded. I'm working through whether I communicate with her to let her know that I will not talk to her about that outside of either documented or witnessed convo...

I will seek my counsel in regards to that...

~~~~~~~~~~

On the kid front, I continue to communicate with them daily. Their responses are sporadic, but I will continue to maintain my comm with them, even if it is mainly one way...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Met with my friends regarding the appt and looks like I will be able to move in as soon as I wish. So I have planned to move in this weekend. Looking forward to that...

~~~~~~~~~~

On the job front... still looking and will make some focused efforts with the anticipated time line of my move and availability...

~~~~~~~~~~

I remain with three choices re: my M...

a) sign nothing, do nothing, comm nothing, and just move forward

b) sign the (still missing) SA and move forward

c) move forward with D proceedings and move forward

I'm still leaning towards C... it just makes the most sense, to me...

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#2194188 - 10/22/11 12:50 AM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
OK, end of week report... boring...

Because I have been living in a "summer house" (light insulation so not winter efficient)...

Getting everything ready for the move and stuff to be left here into "storage", I also have to get this place winter ready... that means keeping the water system open so that on move day, we can clear the pipes and winterize them...

That's about it, everything else same old right now...

But I did get a bit of a lightbulb moment this morning...

Yesterday I was just feeling really frustrated about D proceedings... Whoever said it was easy to get a D, they're lying... especially for someone in a low income bracket... So it's not just a matter of waiting for the process, it's waiting to being able to financially begin each part of the process...

Yes, the frustration on the wait and I really do just want this done, but I couldn't put a finger on why I seemed more frustrated than maybe appropriate...

It came to me that I was actually anxious to get to a point where my W sees the D papers because I have been hoping that would somehow hurt her or finally have her step back and question...

So I have to remember that I'm doing this as a positive for me, not a negative for my W and I should have no expectations on my W's reaction.

It was cleansing for me to have that moment of clarity... Suddenly the anxiety and pressure I felt in me to get this done, dropped... Still moving in that direction, but it will take whatever time it takes... I still move forward on everything else...

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#2194252 - 10/22/11 01:58 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3047
KD, your thought process is amazing. I'm going to go back and read the rest of your threads.

Keep the focus.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2194469 - 10/24/11 06:48 AM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: AJM]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Lol... thanks AJ... I think... grin

I'm afraid that my early posts are probably great example of me being incoherent in the middle of an emotional breakdown... but if you can stomach it... wink

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyhow, the past couple days I've had moments of deep anger and loathing. I've let that work through. Wish I had a punching bag, but I let it pass through me (a... interesting experience to say the least...) and all is well...

It's that moment of questioning how could anyone truly have such utter disrespect for another human being. Not the "how could they leave ME"... but rather, just the disrespectful nature of their departure. The lies, deceit, stringing along... I don't know... it doesn't matter... just an emotion that we must, apparently, go through...

Move went OK. Of course I was in complete panic mode. We all have our challenges through this. Mine is basically with enough gas to get me to my destination, no job, no money, hopefully enough food to get me through the week, and just a pair of friends to open their door to me... Well, I'll figure this out...

Sent messages to the kids saturday and sunday and heard nothing from them... I just wish I was able to get more than just the hollow emptiness from that end...

On my way to my apartment, I stopped at another friend's just to chat. Found out that FS16 has been involved in an interesting situation a couple weeks ago. Apparently one of his friends about the same age ends up rolling his vehicle multiple times and end up having to be taken to the hospital (only one in vehicle as far as I understand; managed to text FS16 for help). FS16 and friend pull him from vehicle and take him to hospital where this kid is laying, apparently paralyzed right now. That could be an exaggeration... Anyhow, I understand this kid then instructs FS16 and another friend to go back to vehicle to retrieve some hard core drugs to dispose of so the police don't find it.

Of course, while morals and ethics might generally suggest the right thing the kids would do is not be involved and rat on this kid... the reality is, most "friends" will have the back of a friend who does something stupid... it just concerns me on a number of levels...

But while there are portions of the above that are no doubt true... it is second hand information... so I spent the rest of the evening wondering about D13 and D9...

Anyhow, just wanted to journal the above... hope the job search goes well this week... I really need to get work so I can finally put this crap to rest once and for all...

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#2194990 - 10/26/11 06:00 PM Re: AtLRT for 4... and more... [Re: ~ kd ~]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2539
Loc: Piney Land
KD that svcks on top of everything else you are having financial issues and no job. I wish you luck in finding work man really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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