Working on LRT to Something else???

[purgatory]

Happy V-Day to an awesome dad and a beautiful soul!

I'm renaming it Victory-Day for all us LBsers!!!

[ces67]

Thanks Purg - Happy "Victory" Day to you too! Except for my kids, I'm ignoring that other "V" holiday thats going on today.

lb - I'd say the things that I am doing for myself are far more internal than external. There are some changes in what I'm doing externally but its being driven by internal stuff.

I've been shown God my whole life. My relationship with Him is the core of what makes ces, ces.

Its extremely frustrating to realize that struggles often are what make us grow rather than easy living. (its one of those "once I'm in heaven" conversations that I'm sure God will finally articulate to me clearly why it works this way).

I work to keep myself centered in the fact that God can use this sitch to help me be better and also that he's walking with my W down a path that she needs to go.

When I really look at who God is, its more clear who He wants me to be. Throughout history, God tells us he wants our hearts and from our hearts our actions will be sound. King David even said that God doesn't want our physical sacrifices but our hearts.

So when I think what my heart needs to be, I remember the story of the prodigal son. He wanted his own way, his own money and he wanted it now. The son made his choice and he went off. Eventually he wasted it all and was left with nothing and no one to support him. At this point he finally decided he'd go be a servant for his dad, not even claiming to be his son but just to work for him and get a paycheck.

Here's the picture... The father "sees the son at a distance and runs to him". The father allows his son to make his own choices but is diligently watching for his return as he lives his life. Then when the choice to return is made, he welcomes his son home and throws a party! And the son is amazed and thankful beyond belief...

That's who I want to be. The father had the strength to live his life AND forgive and restore a relationship very important to him.

And I have to throw this in as well. There's another son. He's not so happy about his brother's return. The whole "party" thing ticks him off and he goes off and pouts. He wants justice. He wants his brother to pay. He wants his dad to show everyone that he's the rightful favorite.

My struggle is I find myself being the brother sometimes. I want vengence. I want people to see me as "right" and as the one who was treated unfairly. But that feeling never brings me happiness and I don't feel like what ces is or can be.

So how does this play out...

When W is bitter and cutting with her words, I choose to respond with kindness because I am kind.
When W is thoughtless and inconsiderate, I try to be considerate because its who I want to be.
When my W tells me all the awful things I am, I remember I have a God who made me for a reason and sees me as "good". I choose to believe the creator of the Universe instead of a hurting and wounded soul.
Being more at peace with myself, I am now more open to new relationships and making friends because I value myself rather than see myself as a failure and someone people wouldn't want to spend time with.
I talk to my kids about as many things as I can and am so thankful that my S13 even tells me about the tough sex and drug topics that come up at school with his friends.
I make a point to check in with friends and see how they are doing, more aware than ever that we all are dealing with crap.

I don't do any of these perfectly and in some cases, I have a long way to go. But these are things that make ces be at peace with ces. thanks for making me ask the question of myself, labug.

I'd love to hear what you're doing as well....

[ces67]

journal entry:

Here's an example of the brain-training.

Son had questions about his data usage last night. So I went online today to check how its been based upon some things he's using his phone for. No issue.

So, here's where I got myself into trouble. Yes, I did it. I checked my W's phone for calls & txt msg activity. Found that W has started txting OM again. Now, this may be no big deal as she now works part-time for her friend and OM (friend's H). She organizes stuff for them and does basic computer input. So its not uncommon that they have to communicate. Also, these txt messages started after she started working for them. No phone calls.

The brain-training here is stopping myself from going down a path of creative stories and thinking I'm being played the fool. This may still be what is happening but it does not change who I am.

So now, instead of driving my own thoughts down into the valley of death, I am making a conscious effort to redirect my thinking to what is fact and fact only. I also am working to accept what I can control and remind myself that her choices do not define me or my value. Another thought is that if I act as if she is trustworthy, will she live up to that expectation or take advantage of me? She has to live with her choice. It won't change me.

This is just some hard stuff but I'm getting better at it. But this is also an example of where I struggle between patience and seeking a catalyst. Should my 180 be confronting my concerns given that I seldom did that in the past? There is such a big part of me that wants to tell W's friend about the picture I found in October and the notes about their online chats back in summer of 2010. But I feel that is seeking justice more than healing. So I don't as my motive is more selfish.

OM's wife is coming Monday to spend the week with us. Not really looking forward to that at all. Very curious to see if this lady notices her husband's pic in the collage frame my W put together and what her response may be.

Wonder what the evening will be like as we celebrate V-Day with kids but not with each other....

[ces67]

Journal entry:

OK, gotta admit I'm a little surprised. Got home this evening and W had prepared steak, sweet potatoes and veggies for dinner. I grilled the steak 7 potatoes for us and we had a nice dinner.

She did a great job getting the kids some fun things for V-day. The funniest was a lighter in the shape of an AK-47 for my son. (miniature of course). It was hilarious and awesome. just want my son would think was cool. She got my D these dry-erase markers that work on glass & mirrors. She'll have a blast with these. I made sure to say how cool these items where and point out that their mom had done it.

The surprising part was that W got me a goodie bag as well. It had mints, chocolates w/ caramel (my favorite) and big bag of peanut m&ms. (another favorite).

She also made cards for all 3 of us. she cut out a heart shape on card stock, did a water color on one side and wrote a note on the other. For mine she wrote "Thanks for all you do for us. Happy V-day".

For a brief moment I felt guilty for not getting here anything but I let it pass. I thanked her sincerely for the card & gift and left it at that.

I cleaned up the kitchen for everyone and once they were settled to watch their TV show, I went for a run.

Its odd, I see what she did as a very nice gesture, but I am not in the least feeling like its an action of reconciliation from her. Maybe that's my detachment working. I was focused so hard this afternoon to get beyond her texting OM, that I was in a good place coming home.

The road is still long and I still need a lot of training.

[2thepoint]

CES - That was a very nice gesture on the part of your W. Could it be that your W's love language is Acts of Service or Gifts? People often speak to others in their own love language instead of the language of the person they love.

So, if your W's love language is Acts of Service, is there something you could do for her that would speak her language? Could you do this in a way that wouldn't be perceived as pursuit by your W but allow you to fill her love tank?

Don't know if you've read the 5 Love Languages but there is a lot of good insight in the book. Check it out, if you haven't done so already.

[ces67]

Thanks 2tp, It may be. My W has always been the type of person who walks into a room and looks to see what needs done.

Its interesting though that she has complained since the bomb that she has "done all these things" and feels disappointed that God has not made her life better. As such, she has stopped these acts of service in a large way.

I have read the book and struggled reading it as it was hard for me to pinpoint what my W's love language is. If I'm guessing, I would say its getting gifts.

Her birthday was last week and while I didn't directly get her a gift, I did help the kids buy her a nice ring she had picked out. She had listed "money for ring" on the b-day list she e-mailed outt to the family. I just had to talk to my D9 to help me pick the right one out. I think she was pleasantly surprised by it and part of me feels this V-day gift is in response to that.

So if getting gifts is her love language, any suggestions on what I could due that wouldn't be pursuing? I'm a little stuck on that one. I'll pull the book off the shelf and brush up.

Again, I acknowledged her efforts both for my gift and what a great job she did for the kids. But I don't want to blow this out of proportion and scare her off. Still feel ike the main area we need to see some progress is just having conversations.

[2thepoint]

Well you definitely would not want to over do it. And gifts can be tricky. I would definitely make sure that gifts was her love language though because what you described sounds more like acts of service to me.

Acts of service are easier to achieve on the down low because it can be something as simple as bringing in the groceries, running an errand, completing a honey-do, etc. And the more of these you can do while still GAL and detaching, the better. You would be kind of filling her love tank by stealth.

The next holiday where a gift would be warranted in mothers day in May. That is several months off. Maybe if you worked through your children as you did for V day then perhaps you could get her another gift.

Anyway just some thoughts that struck me after reading your most recent post.

Good luck!

[purgatory]

Acts of service can be easier to achieve, without being too pursuing. Like he ^^^^ said, mothers day is coming up- there's LOTS of opportunities for service gifts. The first thing I thought of- was hiring a professional cleaning service to come in a do a 'spring cleaning'. I know I would love to have my house deep cleaned for me, so all I would have to do is the 'maintaining cleaning'. Massages, mani/pedi's are also good... But if her LL is acts of service, doing something for her so she doesn't have to do it- would speak much louder to her.

(I did a LL seminar with H last summer before the bomb, and something that has stuck with me is the fact that if we use our partner's LL in a negative way- it is like draining their love tank. For example: mine is Words of Affirmation. When my H says: "wow, dinner is great", it makes me feel really good (such a simple statement that usually gets overlooked) but when he says: "uh, next time- can you put more salt in this"- I take it as personally offensive and get really upset, even though he probably intended it as just a simple suggestion. Knowing the LL is important so you can do the things that fill their love tank and AVOID the things that drain it. Just some thoughts I wanted to share )

[ces67]

Thanks 2 & P. I had mentioned earlier that W has recentlys shown an interest in decorating and painting. Now that she's picked the colors, I think a big thing will be getting the painting done. Our entry way is an open 2-story area so that's going to be a little tricky to paint due to height and stairs. I think that will be a good service act. Another is we both hate the tile backsplash in out kitchen. Some of the tiles have little flower pots painted on them. Its just not a look we like. W has said she'd prefer just plain white tiles.

That will be a bit of a messy project to get into and once I do, I'll need to move fast so we can keep using the kitchen. But that's another opportunity.

And more current, our kitchen faucet is leaking so I'll be replacing that this weekend.

I actually had a list of "to do's" from when we first moved and I got through all of those. But at the time, W didn't care much and anything I did would irritate her. Maybe that's changed.

[ces67]

journal entry:

dinners are so weird. All 4 of us sit at the table, same spots we've sat at for years. W sits across from me and avoids eye contact. I make it a point now to talk to the kids about their day and try and pull as much info out of them as possible - in a fun way. We have laughs and do pretty well.

I can't rememeber who on the board first mentioned the "shark eyes". I've definitely seen those when its just us. But at dinner time, they are extremely distant and somewhat vacant in appearance. Not sure where W is going off to mentally but she's going off somewhere. No since in speculating because I have no idea and the stuff I'd come up with wouldn't help me much anyway.

I've seen many fellow LBSers here who have a big challenge of how their S has abandoned their kids. I can be fortunate in that is not my sitch. My W is extremely involved with the kids. Sometimes it appears to the point of a competition.

It often feels like W arranges time so that the activities are just the kids and her and I'm not included. Example was last night she was making dinner and assigned tasks to the dinner so both D9 and S13 were helping her. In a way, this is great, good learning opportunity for the kids. But I'm not included. Later, I see W posts on facebook how she and the kids were having "mongolian beef" for dinner. Even though I was there, to her, its seems I wasn't.

Guess this is yet another opportunity to detach and move on. She will do what she will do. But right now, the pain still hits. Maybe not as bad, but it still hits.

One thing that did catch W's attention. D9 has a school dance this Friday. W is a chaperone. D9 mentioned that the 2 of them are going to dinner afterwards with a friend and her mom. W had not mentioned this.

S13 has a buddy who is having a b-day party. I asked S13 at dinner if it would be Friday or Saturday night. He wasn't sure. W kind of butted into the conversation saying they didn't have details yet and that she'd take care of it.

I responded saying that was fine but if W & D9 are going to dinner and S13 is at a party the same night then I was going to make plans to do something myself.

She didn't say anything but it seemed to catch her off guard. In the past, I didn't do much outside of family so this is a change for her. I have to admit I enjoyed the surprised expression from her, however brief it was.

4 days until W's buddy gets into town. Still not quite sure how to mentally prepare for this. I've spent very little time with this lady. She's not been to our house before to visit and the longest I've ever been with here was a group dinner with the parents of the dance group my D9 was with. That was about 3 weeks before the bomb. It was our 18th anniversary and W still acted very happy to be with me. Ah memories...