Forgiveness

[antlers]

Hi Barb. Fuk court. Fuk lawyers. I don't want anything to do with any of that ever again. Gineen has good points, and ideally that's the way it should go. But this is a less than ideal situation. Neither of us can demand where the kids live.

I do feel like I've extended the olive branch concerning our kids. 

And I feel like she's too busy fuming/festering to react with ANYTHING from me but negatives.

I'm gonna take the high road. I have no control over what she does.

[antlers]

This is what I sent her the night that our daughter left her house.....

"Ex, I know we have been at each other throughout most of this and I'd really like to find some common ground as it relates to our kids. I love them and I know you do too. Here's what I'm thinking....our kids have paid a high price for watching us fight. Before, during, and after the divorce. I hope we can both put our kids best interests above our own. What are your thoughts?"

This is the response I got from her the following day.....

"I think that's possible if you'll stop telling them how I'm the one who destroyed the family and cheated and crap and if your family will stay out of it and stop telling them crap about me."
"You even told them I cheated with Steve. Give me a freakin break. I'm so sick and tired of you telling them those lies."

I have not responded.

My feeling regarding the kids.....I'm not concerned, at all, with focusing on the past. I did what i did, and she did what she did. My concern for our kids now is.....from this moment forward.....to focus on the present and future in order to help them be well adjusted and successful. I want to DO something about the problems the kids are having. Solution building is the goal. 

[antlers]

The reason why you need lawyers and courts is because if they are becoming a serious problem in school, you probably could control where they go under the age of 18.

My experience with the legal system has been that you'll be better off if you can stay the hell out of it. Especially in my situation. Fuk it. "Probably" don't cut it. I want the kids to be able to come and go between their parents without any of the animosity or other erroneous feelings that has been present so far.

[antlers]

IF I responded, I considered this............

"Ex, my feeling regarding our kids is this.......I'm not concerned, at all, with focusing on the past. We both did things that contributed to the ending of our marriage and our family. My concern for our kids now and from this moment forward is.......to focus on the present and future in order to help them be well adjusted and successful. I want to DO something about the problems the kids are having. Solution building, and getting positive results, is the goal."

What do y'all think?

[figgeroni]

well...if where you live is anywhere like where I live and your kids continue to run amuk and the police are ever called on them, you as the parents, can have charges pressed against you for curfew violation as well as truancy from school etc etc

the school can also call social services and if there are problems at school a guardian can be placed, which is what we have done at my school for kids who have had truancy problems or academic problems

so as much as you want to keep the courts out of it, they may come into it anyway

[antlers]

I live in the Midwest. It's not like that here. Some of the kids that our kids run around with.....their lives and circumstances are 100 times more messed up than our kids are. Seriously. That's not OK, but it is the way it is.

Any feedback on the proposed response?

[SunFunOne]

Antlers:

I think you should have responded yesterday. I think you should speak up on the kids behalf without sounding preachy. But answer in a more timely manner - you didn't like it when she didn't get back to you.

FYI - Fig is also in the Midwest (well - sort of).

The point is - if you and ex cannot figure this out between you - the courts CAN and WILL get involved. That part is simple. And Gineen is right - someone needs to put their foot down with son.

But - once again - none of us is experts. There is no "one size fits all" answer here or a handbook for raising teens. I sure wish there was. Single parenting is difficult at best. Somehow I got through it but many times I wanted the answers - & they weren't there so I used my brain and listened to my heart & worked it out.

Not the help you're looking for but it is hard to find the answers.

Barb

[antlers]

Antlers:
I think you should have responded yesterday. I think you should speak up on the kids behalf without sounding preachy. But answer in a more timely manner - you didn't like it when she didn't get back to you.

Barb....I sent her the following message the very night that our daughter left her house.....

"Ex, I know we have been at each other throughout most of this and I'd really like to find some common ground as it relates to our kids. I love them and I know you do too. Here's what I'm thinking....our kids have paid a high price for watching us fight. Before, during, and after the divorce. I hope we can both put our kids best interests above our own. What are your thoughts?"

I was trying to set a precedent. I was doing something that I thought was right, even though she never communicated with me when my son left. Ever. I received a reply from her the following day and I posted it here. It focused on the past instead of the here and now. I typed up a sample response to it that night and posted it here to get some feedback...because I wanted it to be on the kids behalf and not sound preachy. I didn't get any feedback on it yet. It's important and I want it to be good. I'd still appreciate folks here looking at it and letting me know.
Thank you.

[SunFunOne]

My point is simple - respond. Use the tools you've learned here and elsewhere to create a response. Waiting for input here is costing you precious time. Whether she responds or not - it's about YOU that matters. How YOU handle it.

You won't always get input right when you want or need it. You have to do what is right for you. It's like letting someone else "Direct" your life. It's great to get help and input but it's not always going to happen. Some of us are at a loss as to what to say that will help.

So figure out what you think is best and do it. Google some info on helping teens in the situation you describe. There are also Parent Help lines. Not everyone here can relate - we're not all in the same situation. We care though.

Barb

[2thepoint]

Antlers - quick post and then I got to run. I'll check back in later.

First, I like the first note you sent to your W. It was neutral and future oriented and I think it struck the right tone.

Her response below, includes an important opening for you:

"I think that's possible if you'll stop telling them how I'm the one who destroyed the family and cheated and crap and if your family will stay out of it and stop telling them crap about me." "You even told them I cheated with Steve. Give me a freakin break. I'm so sick and tired of you telling them those lies."

Your proposed response is fine but I think you have to acknowledge that she has indicated that she would be willing to work with you regarding the kids, if....... That is your opening. Maybe you include something like, "I agree that our pointing fingers is doing us or the kids, no good and just serves to increase the tension between us. I'll talk to my family. Can we then call a truce and...." then work in your intended response with a few proposed solutions.

Be prepared for more vitriol from your W. Keep your cool and then keep going back, each time acknowledging (not necessarily agreeing) in general her point of view while all the while, keeping the direction of communicating focused on the kids.

Keep your cool, Antlers. Validate the hell out of your wife. And keep your cool.

You have the opportunity here I think to make significant forward progress. But you have got to be willing to swallow your pride some. Remember the kids are the focus right now.